My eyes open as I try to adjust to the light. The room is familiar; I realize however it is impossible. I was in Noah's room. I was tangled in his sheets.

I'm dreaming. Of course I'm dreaming. What other logical explanation was there?
And yet I cling on to the hope that I'm not. How pathetic.
My eyes scan the room hoping to find a familiar blue-eyed blond boy. I look towards a corner of the bookcase and see Noah standing there. Shirtless. I have in fact seen Noah shirtless before. But the sight still makes me catch my breath.

He was standing there skimming through the book spines, as though looking for a specific title. I could see the lines of his back tensed. His arms were on the bookshelf supporting his weight. It was nice to be able to look at someone without their consent. Like having a secret that would never be shared. His architectural built was amazing. He looked almost like Michelangelo's David. Beautiful.

I pushed myself up into a sitting position. The bed creaks under me. I look up and I see him smiling at me. It was the kind of smile that just made you want to crawl up in him and die.

My thoughts were quite muffled. Blurred, sort of. Like I couldn't focus on anything. There was something I was supposed to remember. But it never came up.

Instead I focus all my attention on the beautiful broken boy now sitting in front of me. He's still smiling at me. Beaming almost. His hair was disheleved. Bed head hair I realize. He must've been lying next to me earlier. The thought sends blood rushing to my cheeks.

I look down at my hands on my lap, I look at myself and see that I'm wearing a lilac tank that I don't remember owning. Actually I don't remember anything much before waking up. I feel Noah's hand in mine daring me to look up.

I want to I want to look up at him and get lost in him. A siren goes off in my head at this. Like I said the wrong words ... to my own brain. It hurts. I'm trying to remember something but there's a wall shielding me from it.

"You okay?" I must've looked uncomfortable because his voice is etched with concern. I shake my head unsurely.

At this he leans in impossibly closer. He slightly grazes his lips over mine. My body immediately reacts to his. My lips move more alarmingly against his. Like he might disappear if I stop.
I make an effort to keep my hands to myself. Clearly failing at it, my hands were in his hair.
His hands drape on my waist. I feel his hands rubbing against my waistline through the thin material of my tank.

Usually ,Noah would stop at about now.

He would soon begin to inch further away from me. My body was begging that he wouldn't.
But somehow, this time he doesn't. In fact his body is responding to mine.

His lips were working against mine . Like I was the finest delicacies to a starving man.
I

realize I'm now above him. My knee in between his legs. And my hands tracing over his torso. His hands under my shirt, trailing down my spine.

My body starves for his. It's like a craving I can never satisfy. I need to feel him all over me throughout me. I need to feel like i-i-... inhabit him... just like he said. I see colors beaming everywhere. Blue ,yellow red. Elements working against each other Noah and I were like fire and water land and sky. Complete opposites. Yet we balance each other.

Or maybe we don't.

I feel my hands being tugged from behind me. Pulled and held against my back. I open my eyes only to realize that I'm being pulled away from the bed . Pulled away from Noah. I panic. Noah was sitting there. Not noticing that I'm gone.
"How's it going sweetheart?"I feel the bile rising in my throat. My body is tensed.
No it can't be. It just can't.
Jude was standing there. My back pressed to his chest. His lips next to my ear. His voice was in a whispering tone but still rough. Still Jude.

Panic roused in me. I begin to fight , but he just holds me tighter. Pressing my arms to my back .it hurt like hell. " No point in fighting and no point in imagining me dead."

"We both know how it's going to end". I try to imagine his face as he says it lips at my ear. I feel disgusted just at the thought.

I try to remember the details of our previous encounter since our little trip with Rachel and Claire. But i can't seem to remember anything. It's like my brain is willfully blocking my own memories. A minute has past and I still haven't answered his question. "Now don't be like that Mara. You don't want to end up like pretty boy over there. Now don't you?.. " I stopped listening. I'm staring at Noah. His immaculate form that never moves since Jude pulled me off of him.

My thoughts are fogged. I'm pushing against the barriers in my head. Its cracking I feel it slowly cracking.

I take advantage of the moment to look at Noah carefully. I see his eyes stone closed. And his delicate lips. Slightly bruised. Slightly blue.

The realization hits me . The horror. I'm standing there wailing my arms ,kicking my legs. Anything to get away from Jude. Anything to get the boy I loved. To the boy I just killed.

My heart was pounding in my chest. I was trembling. Tears swelled up in my eyes. An ache so severe just hit me like a speeding train. I would've preferred to be hit by a speeding train. I felt Jude's lips on my ear again. "Did it feel good sweetheart? Did it feel good to torture him?" He paused."Cause I know you enjoyed it." I wanted to scream at him. To spit in his face. To cry out. To run to Noah and beg him to heal.

I did none of those things. I just stood there staring at Noah. The beautiful broken boy I just killed.
I wanted to imagine Jude on the floor. Dead. Bleeding out like an animal. Like the animal he is. But every time I see it. I see myself lying in the ground. Bleeding out. Like an animal. Like the animal I was. Jude wasn't the monster.

I was.

I'm suddenly back in the asylum. With Jude. Pressed up against me. I'm crying . My voice so small. Jude is fumbling with the buttons of my pants. I try to push him away. He doesn't budge.
I felt so scared. I hated myself for it

I was so vulnerable. I wish i wasn't.

I hear a shifting of gears. And a sudden crashing sound. My body falls apart and I couldn't care less to hold it together. I hear Jude screaming in the noise of the building collapsing. I don't open my eyes. I try to think of his face in this moment. His pain. I laugh. Aloud. He deserves it.
Doesn't he?
Inside I'm crying. I'm screaming. I am howling in pain. But nothing seems to be coming out of my mouth. Except that laugh.

I wake up gasping for air. I was back in the mental institution was admitted into.
I was crying noiselessly. Crawled up into a fetus position.
Every inch of my body feels like it's being torn apart. Every fiber of my being is screaming out in agony against the pain. The pain of realization. The pain of truth. The pain of deception. And most importantly, the pain of loss.

'Pain is like fabric, the stronger it is the more it's worth.' I read it from somewhere a while back. It seemed so irrelevant at the time. So unnecessary. The stronger the pain, the more it's worth. I hope mine is worth something.