We were in Amsterdam filming with Willem Dafoe for the Peter Van Houten scene. Amsterdam was beautiful and I was grateful to the crew for letting us explore when we weren't busy working. Ansel and I would spend most of our time together wandering through the Red Light District which was both really cool and scary at the same time. Scary, I guess, because you hear so many stories about Amsterdam's famous Red Light District, but the stories didn't bother me that much because I was with Ansel. I still get so surprised when I get asked for my autograph or my picture and I especially loved it in Amsterdam as I was constantly referred to as "The Divergent". As much as I enjoyed working on The Fault In Our Stars, these moments I got to share with Ansel were so magical and we had grown so close. He was my best friend. Most people ask me if it was weird for me to go from playing his sister in Divergent to playing his girlfriend in TFiOS and still remain so close to him in reality and it honestly wasn't. He's just my lanky, crooked smiling, fun loving best friend Ansel Elgort who I couldn't quite live without. It was midday on one of our days off filming and I had invited Ansel to my hotel room so we could Skype Nat together.

"Hey guy-"

"Amsterdam is A-Mazing!", Ansel smirked, cutting him off. Nat raised his eyebrow at him accusingly.

"Do you have to rub it in?", he asked. Ansel nodded, bearing a goofy grin. I playfully nudged him in the ribs.

"Ow!", he exaggerated.

"Pain demands to be felt", I winked.

"Anyway; have you guys heard from Josh yet?", Nat asked. Josh was the director. Ansel and I shook our heads in unison. "You're doing the sexy scene tomorrow", he told us, pulling kissy faces as he hugged himself. I had gotten so caught up in the beauty of Amsterdam that I had completely forgotten about the love scene. It was no big deal, but I couldn't help but be nervous. We had only just filmed our kiss in the Anne Frank house the day before and even though we managed to get through it in one take; I could feel my insides squirming and my pulse racing, but I suppose that's what it feels like when you have to kiss someone for the first time. I just couldn't shake the fact that I didn't feel that way when I kissed Theo James for the first time. Ansel seemed overly confident about the love scene as a whole. He'd make the odd joke about accidentally-on-purposely forgetting to wear underwear on the day to embarrass me. I would just laugh him off nervously.

"How do you know that before us?", Ansel asked.

"Josh called John and John texted me", Nat smiled proudly. "I just finished reading that chapter for, like, the third time? You guys are gonna have fun"

"A love scene with me? Of course its going to be fun", Ansel winked at me. I shook my head at him as I laughed.

"You're rather quiet Shai?", Nat addressed me.

"Just thinking", I smiled.

"About my biceps", Ansel whispered, loud enough for me to hear. I playfully nudged him in the ribs again.

"Okay, well I'm gonna go read over my lines for when you guys come back. Two days to go! Although I hate to admit it; I miss you Elgort", Nat jokingly forced his last sentence.

"What about Shai?", Ansel asked.

"Well, I don't hate to admit that I miss Shai. She knows", he winked at me. I blew a kiss to him before Ansel and I waved and ended the video chat.

"So, are you feeling okay about tomorrow?", Ansel asked me. I nodded quickly. I could talk to Ansel about anything, and I mean anything, but I chose not to talk to him about this particular situation. I already felt nervous, I didn't want to throw awkward into the mix. I laid back on the bed and Ansel laid down next to me, just inches away. "You're nervous aren't you?", he asked me, staring at the ceiling. Goddammit. That boy can read me like a book.

"A little bit", I said quietly.

"Its okay you know. To be nervous, I mean. You wouldn't believe how nervous I was before the kiss yesterday", he told me.

"Really?"

"Yeah! So much goes wrong when I'm kissing someone in general! I just kept thinking 'Don't forget to brush your teeth! Don't over think it or you'll end up biting her! Don't drool!'". I laughed, my nerves calming down a little. "Violetta goes crazy when I bite her by accident". Violetta was Ansel's girlfriend. She was a sweet girl and she and Ansel had been dating for years. My laugh came to a sudden stop at the mention of her name and the nerves came flooding back. I'd be filming a love scene with someone's boyfriend. I couldn't help but wonder if he'd told her about it. Or whether she'd even read The Fault In Our Stars and knew about it anyway. But then again; Ansel had done a sex scene before this. And it was way more graphic than what we would be doing. What did I have to be nervous about? "Okay?", he asked.

"Okay", I said. We'd been doing that ever since we got our parts in this movie. It was our vow that we'd always be friends (as cheesy as that sounds).

...

The next day came quicker than I had wanted it to. Ansel was knocking on my door by 8:30am and I had just gotten out of the shower. I answered the door dressed in an old baggy tee-shirt and some baggy pants with my hair wrapped in a towel. "Hey", I smiled.

"Morning", he smiled as I stepped aside to let him in. "So, we're gonna go film on the canal at 9:30 and then we're in my hotel room for the love scene at 12:30", he smirked.

"Okay", I smiled at him. "I've just gotta go get dressed and we can make our way down to the canal", I told him before disappearing into the bathroom to get changed. I wore my Ceci n'est pas une pipe tee-shirt with some ordinary denim jeans and dried and styled my hair. Ansel was laid out across my bed on his stomach when I re-entered the bedroom, he was nose deep in one of my magazines. "Ready when you are", I told him. He quickly shut the magazine and sat up to look at me. He had a thing for doing that whenever I got changed into a new outfit, and he particularly loved the This is not a pipe tee-shirt.

"You look ravishing", he smirked. Sometimes, he was so like Augustus Waters that I wanted to look around the room for a camera as if we were being filmed.

"Why thank you", I fake curtsied. After that we left for the canal. We were half an hour early but it was nice to relax and watch the water flowing past us before having to get to work.

…

It only took us two takes to film Ansel and I side by side in the boat on the canal which left us with some time to kill before filming the love scene. I had already done some filming with Tanner (Ansel's body double) so Ansel and I decided to hang out in my hotel room for a while.

"Are you feeling better about the whole thing today?", he asked me. I nodded. It wasn't a lie; I did feel a little bit better about it. "Good. You're an amazing actress, you can do anything", he told me. I loved how he could make me feel so confident about myself. The whole hour we spent time killing we spent just talking about random stuff. Nat, John, Insurgent, life. Its all we ever did when we weren't working, and I loved it. "Its gonna suck when we finish this movie", he suddenly said.

"Why?", I asked.

"We're not going to spend as much time together", he told me.

"We will. Insurgent's coming up", I told him.

"I hardly saw you when we did Divergent. We didn't have the time", he said sadly. I sighed sadly before putting my hand on top of his.

"Then we'll make time", I smiled. He looked into my eyes. God, his eyes were such a soul piercing shade of blue. He half smiled at me before taking his hand from underneath mine and taking hold of my hand, giving it a slight squeeze.

"Guys? 5 minutes!", Josh called from outside the door.

"Okay?", I asked Ansel.

"Okay", he smiled back. My hand still in his, we left my hotel room and made our way to his for the scene.

"Are you wearing the purple bra?", Josh asked me. I nodded, trying not to smile as I watched Ansel stifle a laugh out of the corner of my eye. Ansel sat on the bed and I straddled him nervously.

"Hey," he said softly. I looked at him, my heart racing in my chest, "its okay", he smiled. I smiled back at him, exhaling dramatically. And then, we began. Saying all of our lines correctly and in the right places, the whole thing felt like a blur. He proceeded to take my shirt off, allowing it to get stuck like it was written in the script. My hands met his jawline as he looked at me with such love in his eyes when I realized; I wished it was real love. I wished he was longing for me like Augustus longed for Hazel. And when our lips met, and I could feel him pressing his body up against mine I knew; I was falling for him, and I didn't mind. And in that moment of realization, nothing else mattered. Just him and I. And I wanted to be there with him forever. I forgot about the cameras and the people watching us. I forgot everyone on the entire planet. He was all that mattered.

"And- cut!", Josh declared. Ansel grinned at me as he pushed my hair out of my face. I grinned back at him as brightly as I could. The moment was over.

…

We had finished filming TFiOS. We had premiered it in New York, LA, pretty much everywhere. It was over. And Ansel was right; it sucked. I longed to see him everyday. I wanted to be back in that hotel room with his hands roaming up and down my bare back as I just looked into his eyes. But then everyday would be the same. I'd think about him and then the guilt would come. Violetta. He has Violetta. And I cant feel this way. He called me though, at least once every two days. And although it wasn't everyday, we spent a lot of time together; going to the park, the beach, getting a bite to eat, hanging out in my apartment. And even though we were already pretty close, something felt different, like, since Amsterdam, I felt so much closer to him. And not just because of my realization, but I felt like he had grown closer to me in return. I fought it with everything that I had. I pushed my feelings as deep down as I could and told myself that that's where they would stay. One day, Ansel came over to my place to hang out and watch a couple of movies. I say watch them but really they were just on in the background while we talked and talked and talked.

"So, Violetta hasn't spoken to me for a week", he suddenly said. Without saying anything I just stared at him, waiting for him to explain. "We had an argument about me going to the UK for the TFiOS premiere. It was totally stupid but I don't know how she puts up with me sometimes", he said.

"What? Put up with you?", I said in shock.

"Yeah. I'm not the best guy in the world. I can be a real jackass sometimes; as surprising as that sounds", he winked. But I couldn't help but be annoyed. He's a human being and human being's have a habit of doing and saying the wrong things at times, but I was not about to sit there and let Ansel Elgort; this kind, caring, loving, funny, wonderful person, down talk himself.

"Ansel, you're amazing!", I half laughed from disbelief at his own words. He looked me right in the eyes, the same way he would when I said something that captivated him. "I know how that sounds but I mean it. You're so wonderful Ansel. People fuck up sometimes, that's life. But that doesn't make you a jackass. I agree that you're not the best guy in the world but that's only because I don't think such a thing exists. As people; we're all the best in our own way! And I-", I was cut off by his lips suddenly crashing into mine. He was kissing me. He was actually kissing me! I could feel the warmth of his fingertips against my scalp as he held the back of my head in the palm of his hand. My eyes shut as I felt his lips move against mine, and not like we had done in the Anne Frank house or in that hotel room in Amsterdam. This was real. And suddenly, my eyes snapped open. This was cheating. I had just let myself become The Other Woman. I quickly pulled away from him and placed my hand flat out on his chest in an attempt to push him away. His eyes widened as he saw the horror plastered across my face. Silently, I picked up the controller and turned off the TV.

"Shai. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"I think you should go", I said breathlessly, showing no emotion. Without another word, Ansel took his jacket from the back of the couch, got up and left. I didn't know what to feel; my heart was still racing from the way he had held me and the way his lips felt against mine, but I was furious. I had just fought his corner, explained to him why he wasn't a jackass and then he went and did that! I didn't know what to think or how to feel. Apart of me wished I hadn't pushed him away, whilst the other part of me wished I had slapped him instead.

…

I didn't speak to Ansel for several days. I ignored his phone calls and his constant texts.

Shai. Please talk to me.

Shai, I'm sorry.

I just want to talk. I'm an idiot. I'm sorry.

Please Shailene. (he rarely called me Shailene)

I wanted to text him back. I wanted to tell him how angry I was. I wanted him to know that I enjoyed kissing. But how does that sound really? I really enjoyed making out with you but I'm really pissed at you! So I just ignored him. And I ignored him for two weeks straight, his calls and texts as constant as they stayed. On the sixteenth day I hadn't spoken to him, I was taking a walk through Central Park in New York, my baggy hoodie on, covering my face as much as I could, not wanting to be disturbed. To kind of quote TFiOS; the only person I wanted to talk to about making out with Ansel Elgort was Ansel Elgort. And so, I hadn't spoken to anyone. Nat wanted to know what was wrong and texted me every day.

Ready to talk yet?

To which I would reply;

No. Sorry :-(

He had figured that Ansel and I had had some sort of fight since we hadn't spoken in over a fortnight but I just didn't want to go into it. So I walked through Central Park, silently and alone, on that cold Sunday afternoon, staring at the concrete floor as I took each step when suddenly; my head hit something hard. I couldn't see what I had hit because my hood had dropped over my eyes but I knew it was a person as I stared at someone's legs in front of me. I took down my hood only to be stood in front of Ansel. How stupid I felt. I was walking through Central Park, in New York, his hometown. I had subconsciously walked through here, not even thinking about the possibility of running into him. His eyes widened as he just stared at me. Not knowing what to say I pulled my hood back over my head and walked past him at a quick pace.

"Shai. Shai!", he called after me. I ignored him, although I could hear his footsteps catching up with me. He was silent for a moment as he continued to follow me. "Hey! You kissed me back!", he suddenly said. I came to a sudden halt. He was right. I did nothing to stop him from kissing me in the first place. It had took me a good 2 and a half minutes to actually stop anything. I turned to face him. His eyes looked glossy and I couldn't work out whether it was because of the miserable weather or whether they were tears.

"Okay", I said quietly.

"Come back to my place. So we can talk?", he asked. I nodded before following him back to his place. I loved his apartment. Every room smelt of him and I had longed for that scent for sixteen long days. "Do you want a drink?", he asked. I shook my head as I took a seat on his couch. He sat down beside me. "What are you thinking?", he asked after a long silence.

"You shouldn't have kissed me. And I shouldn't have kissed you back", I said without looking at him. I could feel his eyes on me. "You're dating Violetta. Its wrong". I heard him sigh heavily before seeing him pick up something out of the corner of my eye.

"You should really go on your laptop more", he said before handing me his open laptop. "Google me", he said.

"What?", I asked.

"Just Google me", he said again. So I did. The first few links that came up were about Carrie and Divergent and The Fault In Our Stars. I was utterly confused.

"I don't understand", I admitted.

"Click on news", he said. So I did. Ansel Elgort and childhood sweetheart break-up, several of the links read. Most of which were dated back to 6 days ago.

"Ansel. This doesn't mean anything. You were with her when you kissed me. It wasn't right", I told him.

"Just listen to me. Please", he said. I stayed silent to hear him out. "Violetta and I haven't been great for a while. She hardly spoke to me in this past year-", he began, sighing before he continued, "She was so supportive before Carrie and when I got the part she just- stopped. I invited her to premieres, I called everyday but; nothing. Do you know what she said to me when I got the call about getting the part in Divergent?", he asked. I shook my head. "'Oh. Cool'. I know its no excuse but, I just fell out of love with her a long time ago, and I think she felt the same way about me. And then- then I met you. And at first; you were just the pretty girl I got to work with on Divergent that I only really knew as Tris Prior; My On-screen Sister. But then TFiOS came along and I got to know this really awesome, sweet, funny, caring, thoughtful, creative, talented and beautiful girl. And I just couldn't stop myself from falling for her". At that point, I decided to look him in the eyes as tears rimmed my own. "I wanted to break up with Violetta and then tell you how I feel; I had this whole plan worked out. But then, you said those things to me and it just made me realize how much I was falling for you and then- I dunno. I just let my heart rule my head I guess". He then began to rush his sentences in an attempt to keep me hooked on what he was saying. "And I told Violetta and said that I was sorry and she understood and said she forgave me and-", I cut him off by crashing my lips into his. His right hand became tangled in my hair whilst his left hand found its way to the small of my back. I held his face in my hands as I kissed him helplessly, allowing the tears that rimmed my eyes to fall freely. I pulled away, slowly this time, our faces mere inches apart.

"You're an idiot", I sniffed, smiling at him as I looked down at his lips.

"I know", he said.

"But- I love you", I told him. He gave a sigh of relief.

"I love you too", he smiled that crooked smile. "Okay?"

"Okay".