Just a silly one-shot, a warm-up and a break from more mentally straining writing projects. XD
NO pairings. I just felt like writing something kind of cute and amusing.
I tend to have a soft spot for cowardly or sensitive characters, they're a lot of fun to write.
~Swaben
There's no Daiquiris in the Lawless Zone
Rating: T (Language, Alcohol)
"Chickens? I can't believe that guy sometimes!" A long-nosed man muttered to his smaller friend beside him, who was anxiously clutching the brim of his large, pink hat. "I'm really tired of being labeled like a useless ninny when it comes to things that don't really matter."
"Oh, Zoro was just joking around," The fuzzy reindeer simpered with an amused expression, waving his hoof. "Kind of like how he comments on me crying all the time."
"There's a grain of truth to every good joke, Chopper, and I'm… I'm feeling totally unlike myself today, so… So unlike myself, I'm insane enough to wander into the Gutted Grouper. This is exciting! This is, this is invigorating!" Usopp's thrill dwindled as the usual pessimism set in. "Oh, I, I can't believe you agreed to this, Chopper—we're going to die."
"N-not if we're real pirates! Come on! At least get me distracted about it! We're going to be real men!", he squeaked, his eyebrow-whiskers furrowing.
"A real deer-man…Creature, thingy. That's the spirit!"
Chopper shot a disgruntled look towards him, and the frizzy-haired teenager responded with a sympathetic, dorky grin.
"I'm sorry. You just don't look as much like a hairless monkey like the rest of us. That's all."
"Asshole," smirked the little deer-creature.
Usopp slapped his shoulder lightly. "We'll look so brave, the girls will beg to kiss our hands—and more, you get what I mean, stuff like that."
"Do you really think there would be any does around to be impressed by that?" Chopper looked doubtful and unimpressed.
"I'm sure anything's in there, Chopper." A morbid cloud descended upon the young marksman, and a warm bead of sweat startled to wiggle down his face. "Ooh, I have a bad feeling, I'm going to get beat up so badly… Seriously, we should just walk away from this, and get some ice cream, or rent one of those cool-looking bubble bikes to make them all jealous—"
"USOPP!" The deer scolded, astonished at his lack of resilience. "We can't go back now! We're—we're standing like dweebs right in front of it!"
It was true.
They were surrounded by intimidating men with large biceps and larger kill-counts, shrewish women openly armed with guns and knives, with their only defining characteristics being a soft pink hat with underdeveloped antlers, and a lengthy nose attached to a lanky body.
"St-stand up straight!" Chopper slapped his friend's knobby knee with his little hoof.
They felt incredibly small among the wild world of true crime.
"You're right." The shaky man puffed out his chest. "Who cares if the customers have an average bounty of 80 million, right? Who cares if they're murderers and muggers, and… MURDERERS, right?"
Soon enough, they entered the bar, their eyes sucked into their own sockets, lips taut with insecurity, and the two made their way to the bar section.
"We'll come back with one of those," Usopp whispered and pointed to a signature cup that stated "I slaughtered the Demon", with a sign underneath it challenging whomever conquered its associated drink.
"Pick yer poison, little man." The barkeep confronted the little doctor, and his steel grey hair was receding, lying leagues above his narrow, brown eyes.
"WH-WHAT? You serve poison here? Wow, that's terribly unhealthy, I mean—you guys must be really tough! That's horrib—" Usopp's hand shot over his mouth and all that followed was a dimming mumble.
"Don't worry about him, sir. He's just so excited to have some rum, he gets a little delirious. We just... Came back from doing a lot of drugs, so he might be a little delusional!" The long nosed boy's lying grin teetered.
The bartender gave the bluffing teen an odd, slightly irritated look, and knew more than enough about his customers to know that they were entirely sober. He pointed to the bottles of rum lined behind him.
"Alright, which one do ya want, then? Make it quick."
"IDIOT!" The young reindeer shouted, smacking his friend's shoulder. "I'M UNDERAGED! I WANT A VIRGIN DAIQUIRI!"
"Daiquiris? Underaged? Kiddo, this is the Lawless Zone. Specifically, the Gutted Grouper." The impatient bartender patronized him under a raspy tone. "There are no sugary 'daiquiris' here, let alone service to some child's attempt at trying to feel like an adult. I think you're more suited for a harmless little place called Sabaody Park."
The reindeer's ears flickered and he sniffled up his offense. "I was—I was just kidding! Can't you take a joke?"
"Really?" The barkeep was unconvinced. "That's one weird joke. Anyways, our rum can come in many flavors; it can do a guy real good when it suits his palate. What flavor would you like?"
"Cotton candy."
His ears rolled back innocently.
"… What?"
"Cotton candy! Should I speak louder?"
"What the hell makes you think that we have anything sweeter than a mango in here? Cotton candy." The middle-aged man repeated him snidely. "That's not an option."
"Oh, I'm…" Chopper paused, staring at the table, nearly whimpering an 'I'm sorry'. He took it to a dramatic turn. "I'm very disappointed! If it's not an option, than make it one!"
Lazy-looking yet astonished, the barkeep was taken aback, and placed his hands on his thin hips, rolling his jaw to one side and furrowing his eyebrows.
"Do I look like I have a magic wand? I have some brass knuckles in my cabinet."
Usopp gasped, eying the bartender's 110 million bounty poster on the back wall, and nudged the deer-boy's elbow clumsily.
"… N-no, I know you don't! What kind of sissy claims to be magical in here!" Little Chopper's hoof pounded against the table, and he was caught in the moment of believing his own bluff.
"Chopper!"
"I mean, if you serve the toughest of tough guys, than prove to me that you can actually satisfy your customer!"
"Ch-Chopper!" Usopp was sweating beneath his clothes in pure dread.
"Oh, crap!" The deer boy whispered shakily to his accomplice, clutching him, and falling out of his own front.
The bartender aggressively handed him a glass.
"Mint flavor. Deal with it."
The younger pirate hastily handed him a handful of Beri.
"YES—I mean, good, this'll do, I guess, er—THANK YOU, SIR!" Chopper swiftly pulled his glass towards himself. "We're alive."
"Yes, we are." Usopp muttered. "Hey. Speaking of dealing with it, I'll take the strongest stuff you've got." The long-nosed pirate challenged the bartender, his fingers tapping nervously on the table, and pointing towards the challenging sign of the 'Demon' drink.
"You mean a glass of the Fire-Tailed Demon Slaughterer?"
"… Yes." Usopp tentatively drew his head back at name. This drink didn't sound approachable. "You… Speak my language. Oh! The Fire-Tailed Demon Slaughterer! Definitely! What a name!"
"Yeah, did a number on someone the other day. Actually, some girl killed her best friend for a glass of it. Hilarious, right?"
"H-heeeeh." The two turned to each other and began an awkward, monotonous banter of false, terrified laughter.
"Hahaha."
"Haha-he-ha."
"Hah-ah-h—oh, God. I'm just wondering, why… Why is it called such a crazy name?" Usopp's teeth chattered.
"Oh. Well, you see, there's an orange peel that I put in the drink that kind of sticks out, and…" He pulled up the glass of the menacingly acidic brew, with the signature strip of orange peel rising up from its depths. The barkeep flicked the lighter, setting the tip of it on fire, and the intensely alcoholic surface of the drink aflame.
"Ho—oh—a-a-ah! H-ha, wow." The marksman stuttered fearfully, his eyes reflecting the tiny tongue of fire. "Oh, wow."
"O-oh my God!" Chopper pointed, gaping. "LOOK AT THAT THING! Jeez! You drink that?"
"Yes, Chopper…" Usopp sniveled. "But I'm going to do it. It's my rite of passage into my transcendence from being a complete and utter coward."
The fiery drink had attracted a crowd of common bar-goers, and the fearsome coterie of ruffians awaited his next move. Its elongated plume flickered and jumped aggressively towards his lengthy nose.
"YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!", Chopper cried. "L-let's go home! Please!" He turned hysterically from side to side, surrounded by rouges of all shapes and sizes, and felt like crying when surrounded by so many scary people. Putting both of his tiny hooves on the sides of his glass, he started sipping his drink rapidly while avoiding any eye contact, and gagging at its taste. He barely drank any of it since he arrived, and actually found the alcoholic taste revolting.
"I told you we were going to die! I PREDICTED it!" yelled Usopp in plain sight, his shout angering the flame.
"You're timed. If you drink it all without setting your entire oral cavity on fire and shooting flames in the face of whoever's near you, you win this here glass cup, a damned novelty around here. Use it for any bluff."
Click.
Usopp swallowed.
"You've always got to be prepared for the unexpected, Chopper."
He pulled out a tiny, crumpled straw from his pocket.
"Whoa! But… Where did you get that? That's… Genius!" whispered Chopper.
"I, ehehe, I don't exactly remember. But that's not the point." Usopp murmured low, and then raised his head again, confronting the drink with a façade of confidence.
"Alright! F-for what you all came for! The great King of Snipers will conquer the demon through his own impeccable wit!" A resounding smack bounced off of the table from his shaking hand.
The barkeep rested his knuckles onto his chin and leaned a ways away, with raised eyebrows and an unimpressed stare.
Then, the young pirate inhaled slowly and shakily, running a few fingers across the straw in his pocket. He lifted the heated, boiling drink near his face.
"'Orange peel side's towards you. That's the only rule."
The pirate boy nodded while repressing his quiver, turning it and feeling the intensity of the small fire that was dwindling the frothy surface of the drink. He got entirely terrified over the prospect of one stupid, insanity-borne drink burning his face off.
Chopper stared at it intently, eyes widened, clenching his teeth, nose twitching.
Usopp then slammed the glass down, frantically sipping through the straw in a matter of seconds while the fire was eating it up quicker than he was drinking. His eyes were intensely focused on the task, and beads of sweat rolled down his face.
The rough crowd gaped in amazement and exasperation.
The drink was finished, and Usopp's frenzied hyperventilating doused the remaining licks of flame.
"I feel awfuuuuul," he moaned, suddenly becoming somewhat sick.
"YOU DID IT!" Chopper shook him. "In your faces! Hahaha!" He taunted, dancing impishly, and was possessed by excitement.
"Certainly unconventional. Pretty spineless too." The barkeep confronted him, taking his glass. "Drinking it with a straw ruins its intensity. I'm afraid it's not allowed."
"What do you mean?" Chopper whined. "You lied to us!"
"I didn't lie. I just didn't expect you," he pointed to Usopp. "To whip out some old straw to dance around the challenge."
Usopp stood up slowly while languidly holding his head. "If I know my directions, this is the Lawless Zone. LAW-LESS!" His voice dribbled, slightly slurred. "Therefore, I can use any dirty trick that I wanted. I don't care if you bounty's 110 million—I don't care if it's 200! I found your loophole, YOU'RE JUST TICKED!" His noodle-like arm flew up while his skinny index pointed aggressively, and his knees were wobbling.
The sundry crowd behind him clapped and cheered.
The older man's eyebrows flashed with surprise.
"Boy. You know what? You deserve it just for having the stones to say such a thing." The tall, thin glass was being washed out in the sink, and was soon handed to the sniper.
The glass was crystal-clear and impressive-looking, and absolutely free, with the signature challenge tag-line towards its bottom. The two pirates stared at it in amazement, and looked around territorially.
"YEEEEES!" Usopp shouted, stumbling out of the bar. "WE DID IIIIT!"
Chopper went into a fit of triumphant laughter, skipping. "WE SURVIVED!" A squeaky hiccup escaped his mouth.
They returned to the ship clumsily, and the remaining hour consisted of Nami screaming at them for their idiotic behavior, Luffy laughing and clapping (practically in stitches), and the rest of the crew taking some sort of twisted form of amusement while their worries were doused.
"Usopp…" Zoro stared as if his supposedly cowardly crew mate was insane for going to such strange levels. "You, uh, didn't really need to do any of that, if it really scared you that much."
"Hahaha! Please, I wasn't afraid at all! They kneeeelt at my feet, you should've seen it!"
"Uh-huh." The green-haired fellow ran a cloth over one of his swords distractedly. "That's a beautiful glass, though. I'm impressed. Heh." A dark aura fell upon him. "You know… I just might have to go there myself."
"A-AH! ZORO'S GONNA DRINK TEN!" Chopper covered his face with his hooves, dreading the medical implications, even if the gutsy swordsman seemed to be invincible when it came to alcohol. Observing from afar, Robin almost managed to giggle, but it carried over into a simple amused smile.
"Don't you dare think of stealing my limelight!"
[END!]