Hey people! New story! WOOT! YEAH! Anyway, this story was supposed to be chapter four of 60 Stupid, Silly Stories, but I had too many ideas for this to put in one chapter. As you can tell, this is just a story bursting to the brink with random comedy. I hope you like it!
There is another thing I need to add. This chapter is kind of like a prologue. I actually wrote a good part of Sasuke's first job. I was going to put it in this chapter, but it was really long, and I knew that it was going to be even longer, so I just decided to make it a separate chapter. That, and I was getting impatient and I just wanted to get this story out. On with the disclaimer!
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Trix cereal, Poke the Bunny, or any thing else mentioned in this story. If I did, then, well, I don't know. Something good would happen. Hopefully it would involve pie. Also, thanks to my friend Kurisutiina who came up with the idea behind the chapter. Onward with the story!
Sasuke's Job Search
Chapter 1: Freedom from Orochimaru
Sasuke started wandering down the Konaha streets. He looked at all of the stores for 'Help Wanted' signs. He really needed a job. Why did he need a job? How the heck did he come back to Konaha? Well, I don't feel like telling you right now.
Nope, not yet.
Not now either……..
I think I'll tell you soon…….
Now is not soon…..
Ok, now feels like a good time for a nice story. It all started about a month ago. Or maybe it was two. Or maybe it was yesterday. Why do you really care? Anyway, moving on……
It was a normal day at Orochimaru's evil layer. Around ten, Sasuke walked into the kitchen. It was an average kitchen, with a table and such. One of Orochimaru's slave people had made breakfast; bacon, eggs, toast, and Trix cereal (it was Orochimaru's favorite). They had set the table for three. As always, Sasuke was last to arrive. Kabuto was already at the table, eating his breakfast, drinking some coffee, and reading the newspaper. Orochimaru was there as well. He was eyeing his toast strangely. This was not uncommon for him, though, so Kabuto and Sasuke didn't really seem to care.
"Morning" said Sasuke, unenthusiastically.
"Hey" said Kabuto, not even looking up from the paper. Orochimaru just continued eyeing his toast. Sasuke sat down, and began to eat. He looked at his toast, then at the butter and butter knife sitting on the table just out of arms reach, then at Orochimaru, then back at the toast, back at the butter, and back at Orochimaru. He sighed.
"Could you pass the butter?" asked Sasuke, still in a monotonous voice. Orochimaru looked at his toast some more, then at the butter, then at Sasuke, then at his toast, then the butter, Sasuke, toast, butter, Sasuke, toast, and then his gaze settled on the butter, but more specifically the butter knife. Rule one of the evil layer: never leave anything around that is or resembles a weapon. Orochimaru picked up the butter knife and studied it for a few seconds.
BAM! BAM! BAM!
Orochimaru began stabbing his toast very violently with the butter knife.
BAM! BAM! BAM!
Orochimaru began laughing manically.
MWAHAHAH!
BAM! BAM!
MWAHAHAH!
BAM!
MWAHAH!
BAM!
MWAHAH!
Then, Kimimaru came in and killed them all. The End.
Not really.
Sasuke slapped Orochimaru in the face with a rubber chicken. Orochimaru stopped his idiotic actions, put down the butter knife, and rubbed his face with both hands.
"Sorry, just a case of early morning insanity." said Orochimaru calmly. He began to eat his toast like a civilized person. Luckily enough, he had already cut it, so no farther contact with the knife was needed. Then, Orochimaru took a sip of his chocolate milk, finished his eggs and bacon, and reached for the Trix cereal box. He started reading the back.
"Damn rabbit. Why can't he just leave those kids alone? He should be arrested, or killed………" Orochimaru trailed off. Then, a random swirling vortex of doom appeared out of nowhere, right behind Sasuke. It began to suck him in.
"NOOOOOOOO! SASUKE, DON'T LEAVE ME! I STILL NEED YOU! I MEAN, YOU STILL NEED ME!" Orochimaru screamed. He dramatically reached out his hand. Sasuke just looked at it, as he was slowly being sucked away.
"I'm not touching you! You're a loser." His last word dramatically echoed, as Sasuke was completely sucked in, and the vortex closed.
"NOOOOOOOO!" screamed Orochimaru.
"Oh please." said Kabuto. "He was just going to die anyway if he stayed here."
"Yeah, but I wanted to kill him." said Orochimaru, with a tear in his eye. Kabuto left the table. Things like this happened all the time. He felt like conducting some evil, deranged experiment. So that's what he did. Orochimaru cried in the kitchen. When he was finished, he drank some more chocolate milk, and then went to his evil lab. He decided to search for the tracking device in Sasuke. His computer was rather slow. So, he played a game of Solitaire. Then, he took a nap. Then, he played 'Poke the Bunny'. That was his favorite game. Orochimaru hated bunnies; especially that stupid rabbit that kept trying to steal the kids' Trix. Deep down, he really feared bunnies. He was afraid that the evil rabbit would sneak into his house one night, kill him in his sleep, and steal his Trix. That was what prompted him to create a defense system. Just in case the bunny survived his henchmen, literal fire wall, spike pit, room of poisonous items, five minutes of staring at a picture of Hinata without makeup, and death, then he had an ultimate defense system. If somebody were to enter his room in the middle of the night, they would walk right into a string, which would cause an orange to fall on their heads (the Health Mart was all out of pineapples), and knock the bunny unconscious. So far, Orochimaru had not needed this ultimate defense, but he feared that one day he might.
Anyway, after an hour of waiting, Orochimaru's computer finally started working. It showed a picture of Sasuke, and a map. Orochimaru's worst fear (or second worst fear if you count the bunnies) had been realized. Sasuke was in Konaha. Dramatic music sounded, and lightning flashed outside.
KONAHA:
"Ahhhhhhhhhh!" screamed Sasuke.
THUMP!
Sasuke landed on the ground, hard. The random swirling vortex of doom had left Sasuke above Konaha, about ten feet in the air. Once he recovered from his fall, he stood up and looked around.
"Where am I?" he said. He was surrounded by people, shops, shoppers, people going into shops, and shopping. He went up to the nearest shop and looked in the window. It was a shop with an assortment of gizmos and high-tech equipment. He walked in the store. He was surrounded by robots and computers and such.
"Are you looking for something?" said a man behind a desk.
"Nope, not really." said Sasuke. He wandered through the shop for a while. Everything seemed so high-tech, so new. Once he got to the back of the shop, he saw something that caught his eye. It was labeled:
Super Technology for Instant Crushing
Also known as S.T.I.C., this amazing device can be used to destroy any opponent, with much ease. Just pull out your S.T.I.C. in combat, apply to your enemy's weak point (eyes will probably be best bet), and you will win the battle!
Ingredients: Wood
WARNING: Do not apply to self. Could result in pain.
Sasuke continued staring in awe. It was amazing! It was slender and brown, elegant yet modern.
'This would be the perfect tool to take down Itachi!' he thought. He walked up to the man behind the desk.
"Can I ask you something?" asked Sasuke.
"Sure" said the man.
"How much is the S.T.I.C.?"
"You mean the stick?"
"No, it's the S.T.I.C."
"Uhhhh, sure; it's, ummmmm, a thousand dollars."
"A THOUSAND DOLLARS!?!" screamed Sasuke in total disbelief.
"YES!" screamed the man. "WHY ARE WE SCREAMING?"
"BECAUSE THAT'S AN AMAZING PRICE! FOR SUCH A PIECE OF ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY, I WOULD IMAGINE THE PRICE TO BE MUCH, MUCH HIGHER!"
"OK, LET'S STOP SCREAMING!" the man let out a sigh. "Does this mean that you're gonna be the idiot, I mean genius, to finally by the stick?"
"Yep, that's me!"
"Ok, so give me the thousand dollars."
Sasuke reached into his pocket. He didn't know how much money he had. First, he pulled out a quarter. Then a penny. Then a dime. Then, he pulled out a nickel, a button, a cat toy, some moldy cheese, a pint of milk, some pie, an alarm clock, a lamp, a laptop computer, a small tracking device, a Hello Kitty 'action figure', a rocking chair, a 32 inch plasma screen television, an armadillo, a pineapple, a magic hat (then he pulled a bunny out of the hat), an American Girl book, a box of Trix cereal, a Kelly Clarkson CD, a piece of paper with Prince Zuko's email address, a picture of Itachi with a mustache and beard drawn on it in black marker, a black marker, one of those big, red, English-style telephone booths, a box of 'I Can't Believe It's Not Edible!', a kunai, a window, a DVD of The Pink Panther, a box of Waffle Crisps, a chocolate chip cookie, the first season of Friends on DVD, an iSasuke, a squirrel, a pink frilly tutu, a winning lottery ticket, Rock Lee (who grabbed the squirrel and ran), a note from Neji telling him to pay a visit to Konaha's Mental Facility, a can of blue paint, a ticket to a Michael Jackson concert, another dime, a snake, a stick, the Eiffel Tower, a black hole, a chinchilla, Beast Boy, a pack of gum, some random wire, a paper shredder, a cup of chocolate pudding, a Barbie 'action figure', a Ken 'action figure', the lost city of Atlantis, an old man, a box of tissues, the world, a hot pink cell phone, a ticket for a free Barbie Girl ring tone, another quarter, a badger, a dog bone, a giant leech, Tom Cruise, a black cauldron, Harry Potter, a peso, the Wonderful World of Disney, and a smores poptart. Sasuke counted the change.
"I have seventy-six cents. Is that enough?" asked Sasuke. The man just stared in shock. He had wondered where his pet armadillo had gone…….
"No" said the man. "I need a thousand dollars. You can't have the stick until you give me a thousand dollars."
"Where am I gonna find a thousand dollars?" asked Sasuke.
"Well, you can either sell some of that stuff, or get a job. How do you have enough room in your pockets….."
"Get a job! What a great idea! Thanks!" Sasuke said. He quickly shoved everything back into his pocket and ran out of the shop. So, now we're back to where we started. Sasuke was wandering down the Konaha streets, looking for a job. What kind of strange jobs await him? Who knows? Well, actually, I know, but that's beside the point. Just what will Sasuke's first job be? What kind of strange people, characters, animals, plants, or even single-celled organisms will he meet? Find out next chapter: Chapter 2: Job 1: Wal-Mart Worker.