Hey everyone, I usually don't do author notes in the beginning but you may find this useful. If you've ever been to Lemmy's Land, you're familiar with story formats where it's written like a script. This is exactly how this story is written. Secondly, I use characterizations from Lemmy's Land. For example, Mario can be a bit stupid, Yoshi speaks broken English often, The King can be a little slow, Bowser isn't always so menacing, and Peach and Daisy often fight over princess-ness. If you're curious about the Lemmy's Land world, I suggest you visit the website. It isn't updated anymore but has fantastic fan-written Mario content.
Also, I wrote this in one sitting basically so I'm sorry if I forgot anything or dropped off somewhere. Expect updates, but not necessarily soon because I do have college work to contend with. I'm excited about this story and will be updating, so if you're interested, give me a follow!
PurpleRose15
It's a sunny day at the Mushroom Kingdom, where sixteen Mushroom citizens are standing along with two others and a large crowd about to see them off. A big event is about to take place that has been like none other that has ever taken place here…
Morton: Hello, one and all, and welcome to the Great Mushroom Kingdom Race! Over the next many, several, plentiful weeks, eight teams, or a baker's dozen…or maybe just a dozen, I don't remember..
Lakitu arrives and punches out Morton.
Lakitu: Morton, you're not in this, remember? Remember what happens when the author gets annoyed by your antics?
Morton: I get duct tape over my mouth? I get fried? Something bad happens to me, only I can't remember what because it's been a long time since this author wrote a story about us-
Out of nowhere, a big flame similar to Bowser's fire breath fries Morton to a crisp.
Lakitu: Right. Now that that's out of the way, allow me to introduce our twelve teams. First, we have none other than the Mario Brothers!
Mario: It's-a me, Mario!
Luigi: And it's-a me, Luigi!
Random Goomba in the crowd: Who?
Luigi: Sigh…
Mario: Don't-a worry, brother. They'll know who you are after we win- ooh, cheese! I like cheese!
Mario runs toward the Goomba after noticing he's eating a cheese stick. He doesn't look where he's going, runs straight into the Goomba, and turns into small Mario.
Mario: Owowowowow!
Luigi rolls his eyes.
Luigi: Oh, boy, I-a know how this is going to go…
Lakitu: Second, we have the Perfect Princesses, none other than Peach and Daisy!
Peach waves to her citizens, watching her and applauding from the stands.
Peach: Are you ready, Daisy? I can't wait to spread good will toward my kingdom with our win.
Daisy: Hmmph. They didn't mention anything about my kingdom. All they care about is Peach, Peach, Peach! What I put up with for interland relations…
Lakitu: Thirdly, we have the Kool Koopas, Larry and…Wendy? What an unusual combination.
Wendy: We're going to take this thing, girl power style! By roping Larry into doing it with me, I ensure that I have team help while taking the glory for myself!
Larry: And then you won't force me into doing your chores for the rest of your life?
Wendy: Exactly. See, the girl power is working already.
Larry: *sigh*
Lakitu: Fourth, we have the Goofy Goombas, otherwise known as Goompa and Goombella.
Goombella: I don't understand why I'm being made to enter a race with my old grandpa as partner. We're Goombas! How much farther can we get? We have the smallest legs of all, and all my friends will laugh at me as soon as we're eliminated!
Goompa: Now, now. When I was your age, little Goombas respected their elders and treasured every opportunity to spend time with one another!
Lakitu: Fifth, we have The Twins, Iggy and Lemmy!
Iggy: Oh, boy, I can hardly-
Lemmy: Wait to start! Racing and having fun-
Iggy: -is our idea of a good time!
They high five.
Lakitu: Is this how it's going to be all race long? You finishing one another's sentences?
Iggy: Only sometimes, but-
Lemmy: -not always.
Lakitu rolls his eyes.
Lakitu: This is going to be a long race at this rate. At least they're actually positive about the whole thing. Anyway, team number six are the Hammer Brothers, Hammer Bro and Fire Bro.
Hammer: Oh yeah! I can't wait to give my brother a good pounding and show who's boss.
He throws his hammer to the ground, shaking all the contestants off the ground.
Fire: You…do mean the other teams, right?
Hammer: Sure. Heh heh.
Lakitu: Seventh are the Roving Rulers, Bowser and The King!
Bowser: I can't believe I have to compete with this guy. I want his kingdom, not a million coins!
The King: Now now, lad. Look at this as a positive experience for team bonding!
Bowser, evidently furious at being called "lad," roars a fiery roar.
Lakitu: And finally, for team number eight, we have the Lovely Yoshis, Yoshi and his girlfriend Pink Yoshi!
Yoshi: Pink Yoshi not Yoshi girlfriend! Pink Yoshi…casual acquaintance!
Pink Yoshi: Are you suurreee, Yoshi?
She moves closer towards him, batting her eyelashes as she does so.
Yoshi: Eww!
Morton stumbles back to the stands, still burnt.
Morton: I must say, Lakitu, our contestants seem most happy, displeased, that they are participating. I think you should kindly, nicely, allow, let me to participate, try my chances…
Lakitu: Shut up before I put my cloud in your mouth.
Morton: But seriously, you'd think that they were forced to participate or something!
Lakitu: No worries, Morton, it's just a fun competition. Now shut up!
Lakitu quickly hides green flyers, reading "YOU ARE BEING ASKED TO PARTICIPATE ON BEHALF OF YOUR KINGDOM OR YOU WILL FACE HEAVY PENALTIES" behind his back.
Lakitu: Now, here is what you are going to do. On the count of five, you will each race into your Mario Kart Certified Karts and proceed to Warp Zone 5 at the kingdom's edge using your kart's GPS system. The instructions have already been typed in for you, all you need to do is turn on your kart and it will start.
Bowser: Obvious product placement is obvious.
Lakitu: You know, with Mario Kart Certified Karts, you will be able to use your GPS systems with the best accuracy of all Mushroom Kingdom vehicles, allowing you to reach your destination with more efficiency. You may also notice the light handling, allowing for easier, quicker travel!
The King: He's right, you know.
Lakitu: But that's all I have to say about that. Instructions will be explained to you as you go along; I assume that nobody is too stupid to actually be participating.
Mario: Let's-a go!
He takes off, leaving Luigi to hold him back and drag him to the start.
Lakitu: Halt! For that false start, you will be awarded a five minute penalty.
Mario: Yippee!
Luigi: Mario, that's a bad thing! We will now-a start in last place! *to himself:* There goes my chance at publicity…
Lakitu: Is everyone ready?
Everyone: YES!
Lakitu: I can't hear you!
Mario: Aye aye, captain!
Luigi gives his brother the stink eye as the crowd begins to count down.
Lakitu:…and ONE! Everyone off!
Everyone except the Mario Brothers run towards the row of karts.
Perfect Princesses
Peach: I'll drive!
Daisy: You? You're awful at driving! I'll take the wheel!
Peach: Ha ha! Fat chance, Daisy!
Two two spend the next four minutes arguing over the wheel, not moving anywhere.
Kool Koopas
Wendy: Okay, Larry, I want you to drive for me!
Larry: But..Wendy…
Wendy: What, and do all the work myself? Besides, female Koopas are bad drivers! I don't want to wreck our chances.
She lays back in her seat, beginning to paint her nails. Larry just stares at her in disbelief.
Wendy: Well, what are you waiting for? This is a race and I wanna win! WAAAAHHHHHH!
Larry starts to sweat, but his nerves prevent him from turning the key in the ignition.
Wendy: Weren't you *sniff* listening to Lakitu? Just turn it on! Even I could do that!
Larry: Then why didn't you?
They glare at each other, slowly and hard, but Larry turns on the kart so Wendy won't explode.
GPS: Welcome to the new Mario Kart GPS. To listen to a brief demo, press 1. To listen to your provided directions, press 2.
Larry: Now what?
Wendy: You never listen, do you? Maybe I'll make you do my chores for life anyway! You can even be my servant when I have my own castle.
Larry starts to tremble even more, and his finger accidentally presses 1.
GPS: Welcome to the Mario Kart GPS System Tutorial! Please enjoy this five-minute presentation explaining all our features.
Larry: No! No!
They scramble to press buttons to go back to the menu, but alas, they are left waiting an extra few minutes.
Larry: Crud.
Wendy: LARRY!
Larry: *gulp*
Goofy Goombas
Goompa: Now Goombella, you just got your license, didn't you?
Goombella: Yes, Grandpa, but I'm not sure I'm very good yet…
Goompa: Good, because I don't trust new drivers. Let me take a crack at the wheel.
Goompa climbs into the front seat of the kart.
Goompa: Let's see, what is this "GPS" that Lakitu was on about?
Goombella *sigh* Here, let me help you with that. It's a computer that gives you directions to where you're going.
Goompa: These newfangled inventions! Lakitu is making our lives so much harder!
She reaches over and hits the ON button.
Goompa: Why don't I just consult my map?
Goombella: No, they want us to use the GPS. Besides, it could get us there faster.
Goompa: Modern technology only slows things down. My Mushroom Kingdom map has never failed me!
Goombella ignores Goompa and proceeds to listen to the directions.
Goombella: Grandpa, it's giving us directions. We should go.
Goompa: Just a second, I need to find our route. Now, where is Peach's Castle on here?
Goombella: This is going to take a while, isn't it?
Two minutes later, Goompa is still trying to locate Peach's castle. Exasperated, Goombella reaches over and points it out.
Goombella: It's right here! The big red castle symbol, see?
Goompa: Ah, I see now. Thank you. Now, let me see which of these three possible routes is faster. Let's see, if we take Route Mushroom toward Starman Boulevard, that should take us about 25 minutes, but if we use Fire Street…
Goombella: We're gonna be here a while. I knew it.
Hammer Brothers
The karts are generally smaller than both Hammer Brothers…a lot smaller, in fact.
Hammer: These puny little karts. We're supposed to drive one of these, eh?
Fire: I suppose so. We'll manage.
But as soon as they get into the kart, they crush it.
Fire: Oops.
Hammer *growling*
Fire: Wha? What did I do, bro?
Hammer: You said it yourself! "We'll manage!"
Fire: But…even you were questioning…forget it! Now what are we supposed to do?
Hammer sees a small piece of paper in the midst of the rubble.
Hammer *reading*: This cart is specially designed for Iggy and Lemmy Koopa.
Fire: I didn't see no directions!
Hammer: Neither did I, bro! But then, where's our kart?
The two brothers look around dumbly at the other teams. Suddenly, they see a slightly larger kart with the Twins inside.
Fire: Eh, what about that one?
Fire points out the larger kart.
Hammer: Huh, not bad. But who…how dare they hijack our kart! They outta be penalized!
Fire: Let's go show em who's boss!
Hammer: Me. You stay outta the way!
Fire eyes his brother, but stops when Hammer eyes him back.
The Twins
Lemmy is trying as hard as he can to reach the steering wheel from his seat.
Lemmy: Can't…quite…reach…wheel…
Iggy: Need a little help there, bro?
Lemmy: I hate being the smallest Koopaling! I need my regular kart!
Iggy: Let me try.
As much as Iggy tries, he cannot quite reach the wheel either. As they are twins, they are both about the same size.
Iggy: Argh! We're going to have to stand up! Lemmy, why don't you stand on top of me?
Lemmy: Sure thing.
He tries to climb on top of Iggy, but falls down immediately and the brothers land in a heap.
Iggy: Why can't we be like the Goofy Goombas? They have a specially made kart!
Sure enough, the Goofy Goombas are preparing to drive away, in a little kart just their size.
Lemmy: That's not fair! How come they want us to be tall?
He kicks the floor angrily, and a piece of paper falls out. He picks it up and reads it aloud:
Lemmy: This kart is especially made for the Hammer Brothers.
The twins look at each other.
Twins: Oooohhhhhhhhh…
A shadow falls above their kart, where Hammer and Fire Brother are looking down on them, breathing heavily.
Iggy: Uh oh…
Lemmy: Let's get out of here!
The two run back to the row of karts trying to find their own, which is hastened by the angry Hammer Brothers chasing them down. They finally find it- one of the two karts not occupied yet…unfortunately, it is crushed beyond a recognizable shape.
Iggy: Quick, get in and let's go!
Lemmy: I can't find the wheel! I don't know what happened to this kart, but it's in bad shape!
Iggy: In front of you? See, there!
He points to a small wheel that is hidden under rubble.
Lemmy: That Lakitu. We're not even at the first challenge and we have to drive a broken kart?! Geez.
Iggy: Well, you ride that ball all the time on a very short range of motion, so driving a small wheel should be…
Lemmy: …no problem at all. You're right. I got this!
Roving Rulers
Bowser: I kart frequently, so I'm gonna be the one driving!
The King: Now hold on, good sir. That doesn't seem like a fair way to distribute leadership.
Bowser: O_O
The King: I propose that we take turns driving. You drive halfway, than we will stop and you may drive.
Bowser: Are you kidding? You wanna waste time or what?
The King: Okay, fair point. What do you suggest?
Bowser: I say I get to drive or I'll fry you!
The King: Isn't that the author's job? She already fried Morton!
Bowser: She's not gonna fry me because it's not part of the plot. But seriously, you're not afraid of me? You're the weirdest ruler I've ever seen.
The King: Threats are not an adequate way of conflict resolution. It makes you look bad.
Bowser: Really? It's worked for me.
The King: Anyhoo…any thoughts about our strategy?
Bowser: Well, I really don't know what to do anymore now that conflict resolution makes me a bad ruler….ROOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!
The King, like Morton, is now burnt into a fiery crisp.
Bowser: You didn't really think I was going to fall for that tactic. And I don't feel like driving anymore, so now you can 'take your turn!' So there!
The King: Meanie.
But The King is not fit for driving at the moment, so they end up sitting there like everyone else.
Lovely Yoshis
Yoshi: Yoshi good karter! Yoshi take the wheel!
Pink Yoshi: I think the song is called Jesus Take The Wheel?
Yoshi: Well, Jesus not driving! Yoshi driving! So it called Yoshi Take The Wheel!
Pink Yoshi: There's something I want to do first. You know what karts are good for?
Yoshi: Kart racing?
Pink Yoshi: Yes and no.
She grabs him into an embrace and he struggles to break free.
Yoshi: ACPTH!
They roll into the backseat, turning it into a makeout session of sorts.
Yoshi: This ridiculous! Yoshi think it plot device for having everyone take forever! Yoshi sue!
But he barely has enough time to get the words out before Pink Yoshi takes control again.
Pink Yoshi: We won't be last, so who cares? The Marios will take forever!
Yoshi: Sigh…
Mario Brothers
After Lakitu sends them off after their penalty, the Marios are running as fast as they can toward the only unoccupied kart.
Luigi: Come on-a, brother! We need to catch up. You got us into this mess!
Mario: Sorry…
Luigi: Well, if we hurry…whoa-a, what's this?
Luigi pauses to notice at all the other teams, who have not yet left the castle. Teams are either trying to pull out, arguing, burnt, or distracted by maps. But clearly, nobody has left yet.
Luigi: Did I miss something, or…
Mario: Yippee!
He runs into the cart, grabbing the wheel.
Luigi: Oh no you don't. I'm going to do the driving! I..er, we can't afford to get behind again!
He takes the wheel from Mario and pulls into the stand, Mario being thrust aside and struggling to pull himself into his seat. Before they know it, they're in first place.
Meanwhile, other teams are taking notice.
Daisy: Peach, shut up and get going! Even the Mario Brothers are ahead of us!
Peach: Wha….? Oh!
She slams on the brake, Daisy resigned to her place in the passenger seat. And they're off.
Meanwhile, Goompa is still trying to figure out his map.
Goompa: I think that the best way to go is to take Starman Road and go onto Mushroom Circuit! What say you, Goombella?
Goombella: I say time to put down the map! Everyone's leaving except us!
Goompa: Well, we didn't take any longer than anyone else, did we? I told you that the map never fails!
Goombella: -.-
Goompa: And you didn't believe me!
The Goofy Goombas leave the castle. Meanwhile, everyone else has noticed the arrival of the newcomers, the King has recovered from burns, and are heading to Warp Zone 5 as fast as they can…
Coincidence and a traffic jam on Starman Road (Goompa: This stupid map! I trusted you! Goombella: See, GPS' can predict these things! And you didn't believe me!) has everyone pulling into Warp Zone 5 at the same time. Everyone climbs out of their karts and runs to Lakitu, who is standing by a green warp pipe.
Lakitu: Well, I must say that I didn't expect so much trouble simply pulling out of Peach's Castle!
Morton: Well, maybe it's because you neglected, forgot, let it slip by you that there were instructions for which kart that teams should utilize, use-
Lakitu: Fine, I forgot, okay! Now you need to be quiet or else you can't be co-host anymore.
Morton: Gotcha…fine…okay…I'm done, I'm done!
Lakitu has threatened to punch Morton into Kingdom Come but ceases as Morton says that he's done.
Lakitu: Anyway…as I see it, the logical thing to do is to give everyone your clue at the same time so you are all in the same place. Here is how things are going to work. I will each hand you a clue for where you are going to go, and when you get there both team members must complete a challenge in order for them to advance and get their next clue. The last team to arrive may be eliminated, so go as fast as you can! Here are your clues now.
Everyone gets their clue, which they prepare to open…