As if things couldn't get weird enough, I had an amazingly weird idea – while listening to music in reverse-English! Yeah, odd hobby, right?

Anyway, I'm a fan of horror movies – and I've been contemplating recently what it would be like if you took RE characters and put them in other horror movies… And since it's almost Halloween, great opportunity to write about some of my favorites! This'll be one of… well, the longest of my short stories – instead of being a few pages, it's a few installments. But it's always good to try something new.

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Retarded Horror Review

By Burning Bridges

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this, unless otherwise stated.

It was a cold and cloudy autumn day. Wesker was out doing something he really couldn't stand doing – shopping. But as much as he hated shopping, it had to be done, because tomorrow night he was throwing a party – something else he didn't like to do, but that needed to be done if he intended to ever kill off all the people who were stopping him from achieving his ultimate goal… Whatever that would end up being, since he couldn't make up his mind.

But that didn't matter – it would all be over soon, and then he'd have plenty of time to figure it out.

He only had two more places to stop, and the first of them was right across the street: the chainsaw store. He walked across the street casually, paying no mind to the people screaming at him from their cars that there was a crosswalk about two yards down. On the sidewalk, right beside the door, there were two little girls in white dresses singing 'London Bridge is falling down' happily, while they jumped rope. Of course, being himself, and having no interest in anything so innocent, he completely ignored them.

The chainsaw store was full of… what else, chainsaws… And a seriously weird looking Saddler. I say weird, because he was wearing a disco get-up that should have been banned after the 70s. "Hello, what can I help you with today?"

"I need a chainsaw," Wesker said, receiving a funny look from Saddler.

"That's pretty obvious – since that's all we have here."

"Then why did you ask what you could help me with?"

"Well, how do I know you didn't just want to use the phone or something?" Saddler pointed to a decrepit payphone on the back wall, with a large "Do Not Use" sign.

"For one, it doesn't look like it's working. For two, I still need a chainsaw," Wesker responded, starting to get a little annoyed.

"For what?"

"I'm having a party."

"What kind of party do you need a chainsaw for?"

"A party where I'll kill people."

"Ooh, can I come?"

"No."

"Then I won't sell you a chainsaw."

"Then I don't need one."

"How will you kill people then?"

"I don't know… With music," Wesker said dismissively.

"Oh, like the golden oldies?" Saddler said, taking a quick glance into the dark room behind him. After a moment, he reiterated. "I SAID the golden oldies?"

Without any warning, a chainsaw revved and Dr. Salvador came running out of the back room, somehow tripping over the door stop and slicing Saddler's hand off.

"Uh oh," Saddler muttered, "Looks like I've got to take another trip to the hospital…"

Wesker didn't waste any time getting out of there. He could kill people just as well without a chainsaw, but he still needed to stop by his last destination: the supermarket.

The supermarket was packed, with the exception of the one-hour photo place (conveniently, where he was headed), where Wesker spotted his old friend William Birkin leaning against the front counter and looking at photos with a faint smile on his face.

"Hey, Will," Wesker said, and Birkin jumped.

"Ah, Albert. For a moment, I thought you were my boss."

"Have you been making extra copies of photos again?"

"… Just a few, here and there…" he said, looking around for anyone in the vicinity who shouldn't hear this.

"What are they of this time?"

"People that would make good experimentation subjects," Birkin replied, like it was no big deal.

"Of course." Wesker rolled his eyes. Since Raccoon City, William had never been quite right in the head. "Are you coming to my party tomorrow night?"

"Absolutely."

"Great, I'll see you then."

Wesker walked out, feeling like tomorrow was going to be the greatest day ever. That is, until he noticed two little girls in white dresses singing happily, while they jumped rope.

"Take a key and lock him up, lock him up, lock him up. Take a key and lock him up, my fair lady…"

Wesker paused. "Why does this seem familiar?"

With that, he continued on his way, disregarding the whole déjà vu incident.

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Well, that's the end of part one – hope you liked it! The end wasn't so well-planned, since I had to finish it at the library, but it was okay.

This chapter's horror movies were: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (the original), One Hour Photo, and Strait Jacket (which is from 1964, so the 'London Bridge' reference is probably not very familiar).

Leave me a review, and let me know what you thought! And maybe a cheeseburger, 'cause I'm famished…