A/N: This is written merely for my own amusement. Edited and continued only on Ao3.

Typing in his password, Alfred scrolled through the various chats. Choosing the third one Hetalia he saw, he typed in his first message. And waited patiently for an answer.

You have entered the chat "Hetalia". Type your first message!

The Hero: Yo, is anyone even in this chat?

Someone named Gentleman replied. Yes, you dolt.

Another user, Pasta!, immediately answered. That's rude, stop it!

Gentleman fired back an answer. It's a chat, what do you expect? Of course, there are people.

Another icon appeared, this time named 'Order'. Doesn't mean you have to be rude. I agree with Pasta!.

A person named Panda appeared. Calm yourself, Order, it doesn't mean you need to go ballistic.

I agree with everyone but Gentleman. Sunflower replied.

I regret my entire existence, Order said.

Gentleman snarked back. Join the club.

Three dots appeared as a new icon appeared. 'Tomato'. Stop wasting my battery, you bastards

Y did I join this again? Alfred typed in and waited for an answer.

Gentleman shot him an answer. Because you're an idiot.

Sunflower protested. Leave 'The Hero' alone. Just because he joined the most terrible chat doesn't mean he's an idiot.

And by that logic, Gentleman, you are also an idiot. You joined the chat too, Panda replied.

Ha! exclaimed Alfred. He sipped his Fanta contentedly.

Twats, Gentleman grumbled.

Pasta! started screeching. ORDER! GENTLEMAN INSULTED ME!

Panda seemed to roll their eyes if that made any sense. Calm yourselves.

A mysterious new person appeared, named Maple. guys, please.

Bear sent a quizzical emotion. Who are you?

Maple answered. I'm Maple.

Order screamed at the chat. EVERYONE SHUT UP!

Gentleman sent an eye-rolling emoticon. You are all twats, I'm signing off.

Pasta! sent a question. But Gentleman, don't you want PASTA?

Sunflower rolled its оeyes and sent a praying emoji.Боже мой

Gentleman answered Pasta!. No, of course not.

Maple also sent a praying emoji. God, save us all.

Alfred had no idea what was going on. what?

Prussian Dude, a new icon, appeared. The awesome me is here! What did I miss?

Alfred sat back in his chair and spun around for a moment. Turning back to the computer, he blinked as a thousand messages flicked across the screen from the 'Pasta!' person.

WHY DON'T YOU LIKE PASTA? PASTA IS THE BEST THING EVER, WHY DON'T YOU LIKE IT? ORDER! WHY DOESN'T GENTLEMAN LIKE PASTA? BUT PASTA IS SO GOOD WHY DON'T YOU LIKE PASTA?

The messages continued on, and Alfred scrolled to the bottom of the page. Sunflower, whoever he was, had interjected.

Sunflower tried to diffuse the situation. Pasta!, calm down. Gentleman's just a jerk.

Gentleman was insulted. HEY

Order rolled their eyes via emoticon. Why on earth are you all like this?

Prussian Dude answered. Because! And I am awesome!

Panda sent Alfred a question. Hey, 'The Hero', want to know how to annoy Gentleman?

He did. YES.

Panda told him. Just horribly misspell things and use the wrong "there" and "your".

Gentleman tried to stop it. NO

Alfred was prepared. Well, if u insist.

Gentleman also sent a praying emoticon. (Where did they all get those?) Oh dear god.

Alfred's fingers moved quicker than light. It's been Amazon to meet Y'all. Except for ya, Gentleman, your a jerk.

Sunflower sent an inquiry. Are you American? That looks American.

Of course, Alfred was. It was the best country in the world. You bet I am! Best country in the world.

Gentleman sent an eye-rolling emoji. I beg to differ.

Damn, you into DDLG or something? Alfred sat back in his chair, satisfied.

Pasta! sent a question. What is DDLG?

Alfred spat out his soda. You really don't know?

Order again tried to stop him. Do not tell him.

Sunflower disagreed. Definitely tell him.

Gentleman agreed with Order. Of course, that meant Alfred would definitely tell. NO, he is too pure.

DDLG is "daddy dom/little girl". Alfred answered Pasta!.

Pasta! sent him another a girl and her dad?

Well, not exactly... Alfred was astounded at the fact Pasta! didn't know.

Gentleman came to the rescue. Pasta!, it's a kink.

Pasta! asked another question. Oh. Like how Order likes BDSM?

Alfred reached for the can of soda he kept by his desk and dropped it as he read the latest message. Americat, who was purring by his feet, hissed as the soda sprayed over his back, staining it Fanta-orange. He hastily typed a response.

DUDE. TMI, he said, Americat still hissing.

Order sent a skull image. I want to delete myself.

How do you delete someone else's messages? Panda asked.

Gentleman sent them all a message. I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL HIM, OH MY GOD.

Shut up, I dropped my soda on Americaamlkhdsfcdvayat- Alfred started.

We're speaking English here, right? Sunflower asked.

Alfred was too busy to formulate an answer. Americat, in a vengeful mood, was currently clawing his way up his leg. The most painful thing was that Americat insisted on jumping on each claw upwards, digging in. Alfred yelped. Americat finished by leaping onto his lap and doing 'happy claws' with gusto. After a few minutes, the devil of a cat jumped off and left the room, tail high and face smug.

I dropped my soda on Americat and he clawed his way up my leg. He finished.

Consider it endurance training. Order suggested. Damn, he was really into that, wasn't he?

Tomato appeared again. We can't all be hardcore and into BDSM, potato bastard!

Alfred pulled up his pant leg and looked at the damage Americat had done. Twelve punctures dripped blood down, staining his formerly perfectly white sock. He groaned in pain and irritation. He had spent thirty minutes on cleaning out the last bloodstain, dammit!

Prussian Dude sent a hands-up emoticon. Calm yourself, Tomato, it's only a chat of the awesome me's.

I swear to god Gentleman said.

Maple tried to get everyone to chill again. Guys, calm down...

Gentleman sent some jibberish. Tha mi airson bàsachadh

what Alfred asked.

Sunflower sent Gentleman a message. Stop speaking Gaelic, we're not all Scottish

Garlic isn't a language. Alfred pointed out.

Gentleman sent an eye-rolling emoji. GAELIC, you ignorant twat

You really should work on your insults. Alfred mentioned.

Sunflower asked, How did he make it italicized?

Gentleman sent a hair-flipping gif. I'm special.

Yeah, special ed. *snorts* Alfred actually snorted. Not just in the message.

Sunflower asked a question. Why the asterisks?

Alfred was blown away. You use them to say you're doing something. Sorry, your.

Sunflower replied. I see. *flips you all off through the screen*

Alfred clapped his hands, pleased. There you go! *returns the favor*

This isn't a roleplay site. Panda informed them.

Alfred cackled. For some it is. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

What is that face? How did you make that face? Sunflower asked.

Internet secret. Alfred replied.

Is no one going to comment on his innuendo? Gentleman asked.

Order answered. We all noticed it, just decided not to answer.

*waggles eyebrows* Alfred typed.

Alfred checked out the other chatters. Then he severely regretted his choice, as Pasta!, whoever he was, had somehow put a lot of BDSM images on his page.

Alfred sighed. He really needed to clear his history.