A/N: Here's another crack fic that people requested! Hope you all enjoy it! Check out my other stories as well!

Disclaimer: I don't own Kuroshitsuji

NOTE: I updated these chapters to fix grammar errors

Ciel Phantomhive

"Bocchan, it's time to wake up now," said Ciel's butler Sebastian. Ciel jumped up as soon as he heard his voice.

"Sebastian!" he said relieved, "I'm so glad it was only a dream!"

"Was it the one with the unicorns again?" he asked.

"…Yes," Ciel replied embarrassed.

"Let's get you ready. You have a long day ahead of you," Sebastian said.

'Great,' Ciel thought, 'Just what I need after another unicorn nightmare.' As usual, Sebastian dressed and prepared Ciel to look suitable for the Phantomhive Earl. Ciel personally thought it was creepy how Sebastian had to dress him like he was a toddler. He was a big enough boy to pull up his pants and he didn't think a grown man should do so unless it was his father. 'I just need someone to tie my shoes for me.' he thought.

After he was dressed, he went down to his regular dining room for his breakfast tea.

"Today's tea is a soothing chai with honey to calm your nerves," his butler said with a smile.

'Tch, is he trying to make me feel like a paranoid freak?' Ciel wondered. Before he could think of something nasty to reply back with, he mumbled: "Thanks." Ciel was not one to be polite or smile, he did not quite like it ever since he'd lost his parents. He felt there was not a reason to smile.

When he'd finished his tea, Sebastian said: "Let's begin with some morning lessons."

'Weeee,' Ciel thought sarcastically

"We'll begin with math."

"Whatever," Ciel sighed.

"Now Bocchan, at your age, you should be learning basic Algebra. Today we're going to learn about slope," Sebastian wrote an equation on the board.

"Whoa, whoa, what happened to 2 + 2? I liked that math!" Ciel complained.

"Just go with it." Sebastian continued. "The equation for slope is y=mx+b. Now-"

"How can y=mx+b? They're not the same thing!" Ciel questioned.

"No, see, the letters are variables and they represent numbers, so let's say this. M is slope. B is the y-intercept. And y and x are the points. So let's say you have m=5 and the y-intercept=2. Where would you put them?"

"Whaaa?" Ciel said hopelessly confused. Sebastian had to explain everything to Ciel over 17 times before he finally understood it.

"So b equals?" Sebastian said waiting for an answer.

Ciel stared at him for a second. "B is Bocchan."

"What? I thought you understood it Bocchan!" replied Sebastian.

"I'm slow in math! I forget things easily! Why does y=mx+b? Because it JUST DOES!" Ciel yelled frustrated.

Sebastian sighed. "We'll pick up on this tomorrow. Again. After four months!"

"Geez, don't be so harsh, I'm trying my best!" retorted Ciel, "I bet you're just a bad teacher."

"Keep on believing that. Let's move onto music lessons."

"Uhhhh," Ciel sighed.

"Come on! Don't put it off Bocchan!" Sebastian tried to encourage his master.

"But the violin's a chick instrument! I wanna be a drummer!" Ciel replied.

"Bocchan, you are the Earl of Phantomhive. I don't think the leader of a toy company should be a head bagging, drum slamming freak."

"Yeah, but I hear you at night playing loud music and I know you head bang!" Ciel replied. "Finny told me!"

"THAT'S A LIE!" Sebastian protested. "Come on, let's just get this over with." For the next hour and a half, Ciel went through his suckish violin lesson with Sebastian screaming at him to NOT headband while playing the violin.

Afterwards, it was time for work. Ciel had been working on a case for the queen for quite some time now and he finally thought he found the criminal.

"Let's go Sebastian!" Ciel ordered.

"Where to Bocchan?" his butler asked.

"To the scene of the crime," he replied. Sebastian readied the carriage. Ciel was all alone in the back, thus Sebastian was driving. 'Man, I should have brought some sweets,' he thought to himself. Ciel, being the kid he is, got bored quite quickly, so he decided to look out the window.

"Look at them all," he said aloud, referring to the people in the city. "They're all worthless." Ciel began scratching at the seat of the carriage until chips of wood came off. Ciel smiled, for this amused him. He took the chips of wood and began throwing them out the window, hitting nearby pedestrians.

Ciel laughed out loud. He didn't know why he felt the need to throw things, he just did. That was Ciel randomness for you!

He continued to throw chips out the window. On one wood piece, his ring apparently got hooked on and flew out the window along with the piece of bark.

"NOOOOO!" Ciel screamed. He slammed open the carriage door and jumped out, while it was still in motion, and landed on the hard, stone ground.

"Where is it? WHERE IS IT? Ciel panicked. In a second he saw the shiny blue stone ring on the ground. "RINGY!" he squealed and put it back on his thumb. "I'M SORRY!" he cried, "I PROMISE NOT TO LOSE YOU AGAIN!" Ciel laid there on the ground for a minute until another carriage came charging at them.

Ciel gasped. "Well ringy, at least we'll die together. AHHH!" Ciel prepared for the impact but felt nothing. He opened his eyes- well, eye, and saw that Sebastian had come back and redirected the carriage.

"Sebastian!" Ciel rejoiced.

"What were you doing, Bocchan?" he asked.

"My ring fell out the window!"

"Yeah, 'fell'," Sebastian smirked.

"Sebastian!" Ciel complained.

"Don't worry, Bocchan. In my absence, I took care of the criminal, so you need not worry now. We shall go home for our dinner now," Sebastian said.

"Are you asking me on a date?" Ciel asked.

O_o "NO!" Sebastian replied sternly.

So Sebastian took Ciel back to the mansion for diner. Then he got Ciel ready for bed.

"Sleep well, Bocchan," said Sebastian.

"Yeah, whatever," Ciel replied as he drifted off to sleep.

"AHHH!" Ciel screamed. It was 3 o'clock in the morning.

"What's the matter, Bocchan?" questioned Sebastian.

"I had this dream that you, me, the Undertaker, and Grell went on a journey to the top of a mountain where there was this fairy boy and a carrot head that I killed! But the worst part was THERE WERE UNICORNS!" Ciel screamed.

Sebastian had to hold in his laughter.

"What?" Ciel asked.

"I think this means you should be nicer to me," Sebastian said.

Ciel stared at him. "Shut up, retard."

Sebastian signed. "Yes, my Lord."

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