The Darkest Night
The night was dark and cold. I huddled down beside Drummer, not daring to touch him lest he turn on me, but wanting to be close. To feel close to my love for one last night.
I couldn't see where the others slept. I think they had arranged it that way on purpose. I was glad. I didn't want to see the looks of betrayal and hurt on their faces. It made what I had done more real, more clear – and more devastating.
The truth always is.
These thoughts were more than I could bare. I huddled closer to the ground, trying to hide from myself. Thoughts swirled round and round inside my head, mixing with the pain from my legs and blurring the images in my mind until I could no longer remember what was real and what was lies and deception. I closed my eyes and tried to take deep breaths to calm myself, but they came slower and slower. The noise around me faded and I drifted further into the dark depths of my mind.
When I woke later it was even darker and colder. My mind was sluggish, but my body felt lighter and freer than it had in years. All the aches and pains I had collected over the years were gone.
Even with the turmoil in my mind I recognized the significance of what I was feeling. Casting around me in the darkness I found the still form of my body below me, dwarfed by Drummer's bulk. Casting out further, I sensed the sleeping forms of my former partners. I lingered briefly over the body of my love, allowing myself one last caress, invisible though it was. Everything I had done was for her, done out of love, but I didn't know how to explain it to her.
As my thoughts and memories muddled further, I found it increasingly difficult to explain it to myself.
I turned away from my love and withdrew back to my body. I had only one chance to explain myself; only one person who would listen to me. I felt myself drawn to her sleeping form even now. But I could sense it was still night, though the darkness surrounding me never changed. I settled down to wait for the morning and the bird I knew would come, with just my guilt and grief for company.