"We can't be together"
That was it. Alex saying those words. My world just crashed, my entire world crumbled at the moment my one and only love pronounced those four words.
I can't handle it. I can't deal with it, not now, not ever.
After packing my things, after leaving her, after leaving my home, my love, my happiness. After leaving the person I wanted to be alive for, I had the feeling that anything wouldn't be the same anymore. That was it.
That was like when you rip a page of a diary you are ashamed of having written, or something you don't ever want to read again. That feeling.
She ripped off a page of my life. She ripped off a part of my heart. That moment marked the day I completely shut myself down.
I don't know how I got here. I don't know how I managed to find this place. My colleague accepted to let me crash on his couch. His name is Matt, he is about forty years old and we usually get along at work.
"Maggie…" he said.
I couldn't talk. I hardly could move and breath. The situation had emptied me. No feelings of thirst, or hunger, or even fatigue. I kept looking at my finger. My bare finger. No more ring, no more Alex, no more love, no more hugs and kisses.
Matt had seemed to understand since I didn't see him anymore. I don't know what time is it. I don't know what day it is. I've lost every notion of time or space. I could be in National City as I could be in New York City. The world didn't stop when my heart broke. But inside of me, everything had stopped working.
I hadn't eaten in days. But the worst thing about it, was that I didn't even realize it.
Matt had called doctors and friends, and even our boss at the NCPD. He had also tried to reach my papa, but nothing. Nothing worked.
"I am sorry Maggie but it can't just continue. I'm not armed to deal with this" Matt tried to tell me but nothing he would say could make me react. I was dying, physically. But more importantly I was already dead. Inside.
The things that happened after that, were just a series of stays in the hospital. My case was serious and machines were needed to feed me. Despite all of this, nothing had changed inside. I still felt deeply empty.
The thing is, I didn't even think of Alex. I just couldn't. I was too weak. And thinking about where she could be, what she could be doing, who she could be talking to, was too hurtful.
2 months later
If I continue to eat at least one time a day, the doctors will probably congratulate me and send me home. But what is home? Alex was home. But Alex isn't mine anymore. What can I do?
I suspect Kara to come and see me at night when I am asleep.
I still can't deal with this.
I still don't talk.
It is going to be okay. It is going to be better. I trust you Maggie, you can do this.
6 months later
I got out of the hospital about two weeks ago. I could eat and drink normally. I could handle my emotions, I still had trouble speaking but it got better with time.
Matt was nice enough to visit me during those eight months.
Eight months. I can't believe it is already been eight months.
As my relationship with Matt developed into a more friendly one, he offered his guest room for me to stay in. We both know that it is temporary. I need to fall back on my feet, to get my job back and to find a little apartment for me to settle.
"Hey Maggie! I'm going to the shop, you need anything?" I heard Matt say as I was reading my book.
Reading had helped me a lot thought my recovery. Reading had allowed me to be free, to see how beautiful life could be.
"That's okay Matt, thanks." I answered.
The problem with being out of the hospital was that I was terribly alone. Matt worked every day, except on Sundays of course. That is why I needed to get my job back. That would help.
"Oh Matt! Could you just bring me some tiramisu please?" I asked him, giving him a note.
"No problem Magg" he said and went away.
That night, I ate tiramisu and I've never felt this good for months. I am sure, I am convinced that I am getting better. I trust me, I trust myself. I know I can do it. I just need to hold on.
3 years later
"Maggie, you should really think about moving on. Go out, have fun, find a cute girl and you know" Matt told me with a wink.
"I am not ready yet. I still need time."
"Maggs, it has been almost four years since it happened. You can't just stop living. We're going out tonight, whether you agree or not. I want to introduce to somebody" Matt tried to convince me and I had no other choice than to just accept it.
The thing is, I was almost ready to go out, to go clubbing, to find some chicks. The problem is that National City is pretty small. And I am still scared to run into Alex or even Kara.
In four years, it hadn't happened one single time. Supergirl was still active so I knew that Kara was still in town, but Alex… I hadn't heard anything. Every alien case I encountered was Alex-less. She didn't seem to be in town anymore.
Now was the time to show Matt how recovered I was and how I could totally seduce a girl and even bring her home for some vegan ice-cream. I had my own place even if I spent a lot of time at Matt's who had still no girlfriend. I was grateful, he had been the friend I needed. He had been one of the reasons I went back to the surface.
Matt brought me to a pub downtown, and it reminded me of the Gaylien Bar I used to go before all of this. Despite the memories and the feelings I had a great night with my friend and with Anya - the girl Matt wanted to introduce me.
She was nice and actually caring.
Surprisingly, she was more than just a one-night stand. Matt was proud of how he got two people together and couldn't stop shouting out about it.
I don't know if I was happy but I was better. I have done it. I had found the courage to smile, and to think about something else than Alex.
Anya was pretty understanding and we both knew that this wasn't anything serious. We spent great moments but love wasn't there. We had been sincere from day one that this was just a way to spend quality time with someone and not to feel alone.
One night, as I was alone in my apartment, I had decided to drink some Scotch. It had got me emotional and I couldn't stop thinking about how I was almost thirty-five and that I had no idea of what to do with my sentimental life. I broke up with Anya that night.
Work had been a way to stop thinking about anything. I didn't think of running into Alex Danvers anymore.
I was healed. I was fine. I was almost happy.
1 year later
"Matt I swear if you don't pick up I'm gonna…" I said, holding my phone, angry.
Matt had decided to throw a little party at his apartment with some colleagues including me. He had charged me of doing the shopping. So there I was, shopping for Matt, not even knowing what to buy.
Right in the middle of the snacks alley, I tried one more time to call Matt again.
"Matt, it's Maggie, please pick up I need you !" I almost shouted.
It got me looking around me just to see one little girl trying to reach some snacks which was on the upper shelf. The girl was about 7 years old and had long chestnut hair. Nobody else was in the alley so I decided to just help her.
"Hey" I slowly told her, not wanting to scare her.
She didn't respond, probably by fear.
"I will get that for you sweetie, hold on" I said, reaching for the snacks.
"Here, what's your name ?" I asked, suddenly feeling concerned and interested in this little girl.
"I'm Chloe but my mom calls me Supergirl" the girl said, all smiling and proud.
I thought about how proud Kara would feel right now, knowing that all over National City, parents nicknamed their children by her name.
"Where is your mom by the way?" I asked her.
"She is in the alley next to this one I think" she suddenly took my hand and guide me towards the alley but her mother wasn't there.
I felt really strange holding Chloe's hand as if I knew her or as if I… I don't know.
We went all through the whole shop and Chloe was getting nervous about not finding her mother. When suddenly,
"Chloe!" we heard in our backs.
Chloe let go of my hand and turned back, to run back to her mother.
I followed her with my eyes just to land of the woman enlacing the little girl.
"Alex…" I whispered, not sure of what I had just see.
I made some steps towards the family who was standing in front of me.
"Mom, this woman helped me get that" she showed her mom the snacks. Alex watched her daughter as she pointed Maggie out.
"Maggie?" I heard her say.
No.
No fucking way.
Once again, my world stopped. Or should I say that my world started revolving again.
Alex Danvers.
My Alex.