S'Ridiculous
S'my weak attempt at catharsis for 704. S'unbeta-ed and spur-of-the-moment, so take it as you will.
Lorelai blinked groggily, squinted at the pale gray light filtering in through the curtains, and cringed.
This was why she'd put it off so long. This was what she'd tried to avoid; what she'd known was coming…
The weight of Chris' arm across her side was far more than any human arm should ever feel. Or wait, maybe that was the guilt weighing down that felt so oppressive.
It wasn't the same room, it wasn't the same sheets, it wasn't the same annoyingly cheerful bright sunlight streaming in the room to wake her up. It wasn't the same. But it was. Waking up next to Christopher in the bed, in the room, in the house, that had been meant for the non-existent Luke and Lorelai Danes was no different from waking up next to Christopher the morning after-
The breakup, the fight, the end of the world as she knew it… Any number of trite descriptions could have fit into place in that sentence, but in Lorelai's mind, there was no need for elaboration. The Morning After, capitalized and everything, said it all.
For there was no longer a 'Before,' not one that she allowed herself in her daily life, anyway. It's the only reason she was even able to be in the – well, she hesitated to call it a 'relationship,' but after last night, she doubted Chris would settle for anything less than a full-blown relationship. Ok, fine – relationship that she'd found herself in for the past 6 weeks.
She'd never done the rebound thing before, not in the traditional sense. Normally she'd be right there with Sookie, screaming at herself that the absolute last thing in the world that she needed after ending things with Luke was to throw herself into something with Christopher, of all people.
But honestly, the last six weeks with Chris had probably been the best thing that could have happened to her. There was a reason they were still friendly after knowing each other for thirty years, and it wasn't just Rory. Chris had been there for so much when they were younger – who else would have gotten as much of a kick out of Emily in jail as he did? Having him there was priceless, and even had she still been with Luke, or anyone else, Chris was the only one who she'd have wanted to be there to be able to see Emily barefoot in a jail cell. They had a history.
Which is what had made it so easy to be with him for six weeks, just seeing movies, gorging themselves on candy, hanging out. It was so easy to pretend that they were fourteen year-old Chris and Lorelai again – no sex, no strings, no kid together, no kid with some woman who ran away to Europe, no fiancé left in the dust, no second fiancé left in the dust…
No sex made it seem something it wasn't. It made it innocent, carefree, fun, just like in high school, where the emotional baggage had still been carry-on sized. It was easy.
So innocent, carefree, and fun that she'd let herself get carried away last night. She hadn't meant for it to happen, it just did. Yesterday, Luke had been the only man she'd ever been with in her house. This morning, not so.
Christopher shifted in his sleep behind her, subconsciously pressing himself to her, bare skin to bare skin. She had to fight the shudder that threatened.
Dating Chris was fun. This was not.
Would she ever, Lorelai wondered, be able to wake up next to this man and not have Technicolor flashbacks to the unceremonious conclusion of her relationship to Luke? Would she ever be able to wake up next to him and not feel the horribly stifling waves of rage, hurt, anger, regret, guilt, and self-loathing that she'd first felt on that Morning After? Would she ever really be able to roll over and wake up to a goofy-looking, sleepy-eyed Chris and not be haunted by the pained expression that had washed over Luke's face when she'd stood on her front steps and had finally been honest and put the final nail in the coffin of their relationship?
No, probably not, the little voice in the back of her mind nagged as the beginnings of tears sprang to Lorelai's eyes.
And it was probably ridiculous to think that she ever would be completely past all of that. Ridiculous to continue to dwell on anything even remotely related to Luke anymore – he himself had as much as told her to forget about him, even as she'd stood there clutching the pint of Ben and Jerry's earmarked specifically for wallowing.
She quickly wiped away the tears when she felt Christopher's lips brushing over her neck, and forced a giggle when he landed on a particularly ticklish spot. That, of course, only elicited more of the same from him, and rather quickly, the artificial laughter faded into more breathy sighs of pleasure. Ok, so the actual sex part with Chris technically did go along quite well with the other stuff – it was fun too…
Was it ridiculous to think that they could really build something lasting on their silly Chris-and-Lorelai brand of fun?
No, Lorelai assured herself resolutely as Christopher lips began trailing further down her body. No, it wasn't ridiculous to be with Chris. She was confident that they could, and would, make it work. Like she hadn't been able to make it work with anyone else.
But, funny… She didn't feel quite so resolute when Chris later slipped from under the cover to head to the bathroom – the one with Luke's sink next to hers. Luke.
The gut-wrenching shame was back – Gigi might as well have appeared in the doorway yammering about nightgowns and being sick.
Oh, who was she kidding. She didn't feel confident. She felt stupid.
She just felt ridiculous.
S'The End.