Seceding Link

By Somebody's Angel

"You know, for the record…the boat was named after you."

The corners of my lips turned up slightly at Seth's revelation, flattered and scared at the same time. For him to have named the boat after me meant that his feelings for me went deeper than I had imagined, and the fact that he had gotten it for his twelfth birthday meant those feelings had existed long before I had any semblance of similar feelings for him.

As I watched him watch the grass I wished I had the courage to stay. To sit beside him and take him in my arms in an attempt to comfort him, even though I knew it wouldn't help. To tell him that I knew I would never replace Ryan as his best friend, but that I would try my damndest to try and make things better for him. To tell him that when he was ready we could both go say goodbye to Ryan, and that I would be there for him while he dealt with the pain of his brother's leaving. I had tried to convey this before, but I knew that Seth's usual perceptiveness was a tad skewed and he hadn't understood what I was trying to say. And I didn't have enough courage to say the words out loud.

So I walked away.

I gave Ryan the message and left him and Marissa alone to deal with whatever was going to happen between the two of them. As much as I loved Marissa, sometimes I wished she wasn't so annoying – all she was doing was crying silently and holding tightly onto Ryan, no thought to what Ryan himself was going through.

I watched Mr Nichol on the dancefloor as he danced with his new wife, then his two daughters, then his new stepdaughter Caitlin. I watched Julie watch her new husband, her eyes twinkling, but I knew the twinkle came more from the size of his wallet rather than the man himself. She really is just a gold-digger, I thought. I watched Mrs Cohen – Kirsten, I mentally reprimanded myself for addressing her so formally, even if it was in my head – watch Marissa and Ryan dance, and could almost feel the sympathy she was feeling. I watched Mr Co-Sandy as he held his wife close, knowing what she was feeling without her having to express the words, and wished that someday I would find someone who knew me that well, who loved me that much even after decades together.

Watching Seth's parents made me think of Seth, and I wondered if he and I would ever be like that – hopelessly in love and able to know what the other is thinking – and I knew the only thing holding him back from declaring the full extent of his feelings for me was me. My 'bad girl' reputation had frightened him into insecurity over my feelings; the problem was that I myself didn't know what my own feelings were exactly. I knew that I cared for him, more than I had ever cared for anyone, but was that love?

A hand on my shoulder brought me out of my thoughts and I looked up to find Mr Cooper looking down at me.

"May I have this dance?" He asked, holding his hand out for me to take.

I smiled, but I knew it was only a contortion of facial muscles with no emotion behind it. I took his hand and allowed him to pull me to my feet and lead me to the dance floor.

He stiffly put a hand on my waist and began to lead me slowly. I remained silent and unemotional, and it was only when I realised he was speaking that I looked at his face.

"…it's going to be ok you know." He was saying, and I knew he was just trying to make me feel better. "Just because Ryan's going back to Chino doesn't mean he's leaving forever." I was surprised he knew about Ryan's leaving, and supposed Marissa or Mr Cohen must have told him.

"I know." My words were so soft I barely heard them, but Mr Cooper must have read my lips because he seemed to understand. "I just wish I could make them understand that." I didn't have to elaborate on who the 'them' was, he had seen me watching Ryan and Marissa on the dancefloor.

"You're going to have to let them figure that out on their own," was his response, and we both fell silent.

In the break between songs Mr Cooper and Mr Cohen switched partners so I was dancing with Mr Co-Sandy and Mr Cooper was dancing with Mrs-Kirsten. I was still having trouble remembering to call them by their first names as they had insisted, and I knew it would be a long time before I did so to their faces; the one time I had called Mr Cohen 'Sandy' was in front of Anna, and it was merely to show her up, not because I was in any way comfortable doing so; my father's instilled dogmas forbade me from calling any adult by their first name unless we were related. If Cohen and I ever get married they'll be mom and dad, the random thought popped into my head and I blinked it away. Aside from the fact that the mere thought of marriage scared the hell out of me, it was way too soon in our relationship to be thinking about those kinds of commitments.

I shook my head slightly to erase the frightening thoughts, eliciting a bemused glance from Mr Cohen. I gave him a slight smile to show that everything was all right…except it wasn't really.

"Seth's worried." His voice was quiet, audible only to me.

I looked up at him questioningly. "About what?"

"You." Was the simple answer.

"Me? Why would he be worried about me? Ryan's leaving and both he and Marissa are all depressed – I'm worried about him. I'm worried Marissa's gonna go into a downward spiral now that the 'love of her life' is not gonna be around 24/7. I'm worried that Cohen-Seth's gonna hole himself up in his room and ignore everyone for the entire summer. I-" I realised I was rambling and quickly stopped myself. "I think I've been spending too much time with Cohen." I mumbled.

"His babbling is contagious." Mr Cohen agreed with me. He ignored the content of my ramblings and answered my question, "He's worried that you're going to break up with him."

"But why…" I trailed off, knowing it would do no good to ask Seth's father the question I should be asking the boy himself.

Mr Cohen nodded, "That question can only be answered by Seth." We fell silent, listening to the lyrics of the song we were dancing to.

When the song ended I thanked both adults for the dances and excused myself in search of Marissa.

I found her in the first place I looked. That was how well we knew one another…or at least how well I knew her. I doubt she would have been able to find me if I had been hiding, no matter how hard she searched…that was the discrepancy in our relationship; I knew almost everything about her, while she only knew part of my life, the part I was comfortable with sharing. Ever since my parents' divorce I hadn't let anyone get to know the real me, at least not all of the real me. Seth and Marissa had seen some parts, different parts, but never the whole fucked-up package that was Summer Jordan Roberts.

Marissa was at the bar, downing vodka-and-Cokes. From her eyes I could tell she was well on the way to becoming completely smashed.She didn't know any other way to handle the kind of feelings she was having at the moment. Not only was her mother now the most powerful woman in Newport, her boyfriend was leaving town to live with another girl who may or may not be having his child. I had to admit, if I was Marissa I probably would have been throwing back vodkas too. Nevertheless, I knew I had to at least try to keep her sober.

"I think you've had enough, Coop." I said gently, prying her hand off the glass.

"No." She fumbled for the glass, tipping it over and spilling its contents on the bar. We both watched as the brown, almost black, liquid travelled slowly to the edge of the bar and off onto the grass.

"Coop, come on." I tugged her arm, and succeeded in turning her towards me, but she resisted actually moving her feet.

"Sum. I can't." He words were simple, but I instinctively knew what she meant. She couldn't face her mother and Mr Nichol in their just-married 'bliss'. She couldn't face Ryan, knowing that he was leaving in a few short hours. She couldn't face Seth after he had blamed her for everything related to Ryan's leaving. She couldn't face her father, so happy with her new step-father's daughter. The only way she knew how to cope, how to deal, was to drink it all away. I knew from experience that while alcohol did make you forget, the memories came back once the hangover faded. Apparently Marissa still hadn't learnt that lesson.

"'k we don't have to go back to the party. How bout we go home?" I asked, tugging her arm again. This time I succeeded in making her take a few steps. She could still walk – albeit slightly wobbly – that meant she hadn't yet gotten to the completely incoherent stage of drunkenness.

"Home." Marissa mumbled. "Dun wanna go home." She practically spat the word out and, for the first time, I realised exactly how much Marissa loved her father. She had basically given up her freedom to save her father. Moving in with the newlyweds would be no less than hell, yet Marissa had done so to allow her father a new start. I doubted I would ever do that for my own father, despite how much I loved him.

"Let's go to mine then. OK?" I didn't wait for a response, pulling Marissa towards the parking lot.

"Wait." Marissa extracted her arm from my grip and turned back to the party. "Wanna see Ryan."

"Ryan? But you just said…" Marissa didn't seem to hear me, so I gave up and followed her back to the party. Drunk-Marissa often did this; said one thing then did a complete 180 ten seconds later. During a party in eighth grade she and I had fought and Marissa had stormed off vowing never to speak to me again, only to come back and kiss me five minutes later. Can't let Cohen find out that Coop and I made out, he'd either get freaked out or want to watch us do it again…would have never happened if we weren't completely smashed…what is it about guys and lesbians anyway? What's so damn fascinating about being unwanted by the opposite sex? Except if the girls aren't really lesbians, only drunk, coz drunk girls might be persuaded into a threesome – every man's fantasy. I shook away the disturbing thought of threesomes and cursed Seth yet again for his contagious rambling habits – I was even doing it in my head now.

I sat down on a chair and watched the adults dancing and talking. Mr Cooper was now dancing with Caitlin, while Hailey watched. Funny, I never had any problem calling Hailey by her first name…maybe it was because she never acted like an adult – in some ways she was more of a teenager than we were. I reckon Hailey and Mr Cooper make a good couple; they balanced each other out, with Hailey's wild side being tamed and Mr Cooper's straight-laced side becoming a lot looser. I could totally see them walking down the aisle next. If they did that the Cohen-Cooper-Nichol clan would be completely intertwined and Seth would have a field day trying to figure out the relationships. He had enough fun with the 'Julie-Caleb union', as he called it, and I could just imagine what he would do if Marissa became his step-cousin as well as his step-aunt. And then it would be even more screwed up if Marissa ever married Ryan. And I'd be the only one not related by birth or a piece of paper…then again, that could change if I married Seth. And again with the marriage thoughts! My inner voice scolded me, and I mentally shut and locked the door on those thoughts…again.

Seth was back at the party, dancing with his mother. His heart wasn't in it though, and I knew he was only participating to keep his mother happy. No-one wanted to get on Kirsten Cohen's bad side. I watched as he moved to the music, and was startled by the resemblance I saw between mother and son. I had noticed Seth's resemblance to his father before – the hair and the mouth and the ears – but I had never looked at Seth and Mrs Cohen side-by-side before…they had the same eyes. Not the same colour, but the same shape and expressiveness. Seth had also inherited his mother's slim build, although his height was closer to that of his father. I watched and realised it wouldn't be long before I lifted the sex-ban…he was just too damn hot. And what made him even hotter was that he didn't know how attractive he was – aside from joking around about being a 'stud', he had always seen himself as a dork, a loser. I was embarrassed to admit that until this year I had seen him the same way – as someone not worthy of my time. But now I realised that it hadn't been because of his looks, it had been because of his reputation. I was pretty sure he had looked this attractive for a while now, I had just never realised it until lately.

The song must have ended, because Seth's voice startled me out of my thoughts. "…to dance?"

I smiled up at him and took his outstretched hand. He led me to the dancefloor and pulled me close, trapping our intertwined fingers between our bodies. I wrapped my other arm around him and lay my head on his shoulder. We didn't say anything, just enjoyed the physical closeness that said more than words ever could. I listened to the lyrics of the song and was amazed at how well they related to me and my feelings for Seth. It was if I had written it.

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time
And hung me on a line
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl
Who's in the middle of something
That she doesn't really understand

I didn't understand what was going on inside my head and my heart. My head was screaming for me to get out, get away, not get too close. But in my heart I knew I was already too close, and that I could never leave. These feelings were different from the feelings I had for my father, and Marissa, and everyone else I had ever cared about. Not only were they stronger, but I had never felt so…complete with someone. With Seth I felt like I could be whoever I wanted to be, and I didn't have to hide behind my 'Newport bitch' mask. I could be myself…not that I knew who that was.

Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man
Who could ever help me
Baby, won't you help me understand

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're with me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I leave you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song
Right me when I'm wrong
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

As the song drew to a close I realised how much I needed Seth in my life and held him even tighter. Everyone else I had ever cared about had left me, either physically or emotionally, and I trusted Seth not to do the same. He was always so concerned about other people, like when he tried to sell his boat so he could give the money to Ryan for Teresa. That was so sweet of him, especially since I know how much he loves that boat.

I pulled back to look him in the eyes, and there was so much love and sadness in those chocolate orbs that I just had to kiss him. His lips were soft and pliant under mine, but he resisted my attempts to deepen the kiss. I pulled away and realised he was right; the dancefloor really wasn't the place for a make out session.

We walked to a table and sat down. I pulled my chair as close to Seth's as I could, and rested my head on his shoulder. Marissa and Ryan joined us, adopting the same positions as Seth and I. I looked over at another table and saw Seth's parents watching us; they looked as sad as I felt.

The four of us sat there in silence, watching the other guests moving around, dancing and talking. The daylight slowly dimmed and as it grew darker the crowd thinned out until finally there was only the Cohen-Cooper-Nichol clan, Ryan and myself.

Ryan checked his watch, "It's almost 5:30, I have to get home and finish packing." They weren't the greatest words to break the silence, but they did nevertheless, and not one of us missed the significance of Ryan's use of 'home'. It emphasised, to me at least, that he really didn't want to do this, but felt that it was his duty. He always did have a 'hero' complex – he was always looking for someone to save. Marissa, his mom, Luke, now Teresa.

We got to our feet and I moved to hug Ryan. "I'll miss you, Ryan." I said simply when we pulled apart, and he looked shocked at my use of his name. "And thanks." I didn't have to explain what for, he knew. Thanks for helping Marissa, thanks for bringing Seth out of his shell, thanks for forcing me to look past people's reputations.

Taking Seth's hand I led him away, leaving Marissa and Ryan to say their own private farewell.

We walked to the carpark and stopped next to my silver BMW convertible. I leaned against the driver's door, pulling Seth to stand in front of me. I wrapped my arms around his waist and looked up at him. He was far away, and barely registered what I was doing.

"Hey." I said softly, breaking him out of his thoughts. He smiled slightly and enclosed me in his arms, holding me tightly. "It really will be OK." I briefly contemplated asking him why he was worried I was going to break up with him, but decided that now was not the time.

"I know," was Seth's response. I don't think I've ever seen him this quiet, and it's kinda scary. Seth always has something to say, even if it's mindless chatter intended only to fill a silence. His lack of words told me that he was hurting even more than he was letting on.

"Do you want to come over for a while?" I asked, even though I knew he would reply in the negative.

"I have to say goodbye to Ryan." Again his answer was short, simple and to the point; three things I had never before associated with Seth.

"I'll see you tomorrow, ok?" I said and lay my head on his chest. He didn't reply verbally, but I felt his chin move as he nodded.

We stayed like that for a few more minutes before Seth slackened his grip, then released me. He stood in front of me, seemingly at a loss as to how to say goodbye, as if I was the one leaving town. I took his face in my hands and brought his head level with my own, pecking him twice before capturing his lips in a longer, more passionate kiss. He responded in kind, and neither of us pulled away until we were both gasping for breath.

"I l-" Seth caught himself before he could say the words, and all I could do was look at him sadly. We both knew what he was about to say, and we both knew why he had stopped. He wouldn't say it until he was sure I would say it back.

I pecked him on the lips again, before getting into my car. Seth motioned for me to wind down the window and I did so, even though the hood was down.

He leaned on the door and traced my face with a finger slowly, almost as if he was memorising the contours. I didn't pull away, or ask why, merely giving him a smile, the one I reserved for him. He smiled back, and moved away from the car.

I started it, and drove away, watching Seth's lone figure in the rearview mirror until I turned the corner and could no longer see him.

Not sure if I should turn this into an alt. ending to Ties That Bind or Summer's POV over the summer that Seth's away…which will show her transformation into the bitter person she is in the S2 premiere…your opinions?

And yes I know that the song Maybe I'm Amazed was used in the episode at the beginning of the reception, but I wanted to use it later too, coz I really feel that it expresses Summer's thoughts/feelings.