Darth Sidious Gets a Job

Darth Sidious was sitting in an office where an employee was interviewing him for a job.

"Well, your résumé is impressive," the employee said. "20 years as a Sith Lord, Senator, Chancellor, Supreme Chancellor...so, why did you decide to leave politics?"

"My apprentice threw me down a 280 mile shaft directly into the main rector of the Death Star."

The employee stared at Sidious for a minute. "…Okay," he finally said. "Well, the good news is we here at Temp Core pride ourselves on finding jobs for people just like you. People who want a job that perfectly fits their skill set."

Sidious clasped his hands together. "Good," he said in a menacing voice.

"What would be just the job for you? Do you like dogs?"

Sidious hesitated for a minute. The truth was, he didn't really care for dogs. "Yes."

Darth Sidious sat in a backyard when some people came out. "So, is the invisible doggy fence done?" said the man.

Darth Sidious swirled his chair around. "It was I who completed the installation of your shield generator."

"Good; now Fluffy can run free again," the woman said, scratching the dog on the chin.

Darth Sidious pulled out a dog bone and put it on the armrest. "You want this…don't you?" he said, stroking the bone. The dog whined. Sidious looked up at the dog. "Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and invisible doggy fence!"

He threw the bone and the dog ran after it. A few seconds later, an electric shock was heard and the dog whimpered and fell dead. Darth Sidious laughed. "Good!"

"Okay, so you're not a dog lover," the employee said. "Maybe you're more of a people person."

Darth Sidious nodded his head.

A man was laying down in a couch with Darth Sidious acting as his psychiatrist.

"You know, sometimes I get so angry at my father that I just wanna kill him, you know?"

Darth Sidious nodded. "Good. Use your aggressive nature, boy. Let the hate flow through you."

The man looked at Sidious. "Really; are you telling me to kill my dad?"

"Show no mercy, do not hesitate and your transformation to the Dark Side will be complete!"

Back at the office, the employee looked at a newspaper. The headline said, "YOUTH KILLS ENTIRE FAMILY IN BLOOD-THIRSTY RAMPAGE. 'PSYCHIATRIST TOLD ME TO DO IT.'" He groaned.

"Okay, so that didn't go so well. Telemarketing; it's simple, easy and no one could possibly get hurt."

Darth Sidious nodded again.

Darth Sidious was on a phone, talking to a man on the other line.

"So if I was to go with your wireless plan, what are some of the benefits?"

"POWER! UNLIMITED POWER!" Force Lightning blasted from his fingertips and shocked the phone. The man screamed and the phone went dead. "I mean minutes, unlimited minutes! Hello?"

The next job he had was an air traffic controller.

"Air traffic control, come in…oh, God, we're running out of fuel! Give us a place to land now!"

"Oh…I'm afraid all the runways are quite occupied when your plane arrives."

"For God's sake, we're going down!"

"And now young pilot…you will die." He pulled a lever and heard the pilot scream.

The employee read the newspaper, where the headline was "PLANE CRASH: 400 KILLED IN WORST PLANE CRASH IN HISTORY." He sighed.

"We don't even temp air traffic controllers; how did you get that job?"

"Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design."

The employee stood up. "You are mistaken…because what you did was criminal!"

"No…it is you who is mistaken…about a great many things!" He left and went outside, pointing at the building. "Every single person in that building is now an enemy of the Republic!"

The employee came running out the door, pointing at Darth Sidious. "Hey, I said get the heck out of here!"

Darth Sidious started running. "I no longer work here anyway!"