READ AUTHOR'S NOTE FOR DISCLAIMER AND "APOLOGY"

This was it.

Matthew Williams stood on the edge of a really high bridge with tears in his eyes, because he was just that sad. Below him was a lot of really cold water and sharp rocks and other dangerous things like sharks and crocodiles because why the hell not? His wrists were patterned with crisscrossing scars and fresh cuts that he'd given himself over the years because of his depression. He was depressed because nobody seemed to notice him ever, and it made him feel useless, so he was going to kill himself right now, and nobody would stop him because nobody cared. He was going to die.

He took a step forward, but then he heard somebody yell something.

"STOP!"

He turned around. Behind him was the most awesome and popular kid in school, Gilbert Beilschmidt. He looked worried.

"What are you doing?"

Matthew sniffled and started to cry.

"I'm killing myself! Nobody ever notices me! Nobody remembers my name! And you don't care, either!"

"But Matthew," Gilbert said, taking Matthew by the hand and looking deeply into his eyes. "I do care. And you shouldn't kill yourself."

Matthew stopped crying immediately. "Really?"

"Really."

Matthew smiled and kissed Gilbert, and Gilbert didn't think it was weird at all that they had only known each other for literally two minutes and yet Matthew was kissing him.

They broke apart, and Gilbert smirked.

"I love you, Birdie."

Matthew didn't question the completely random and unexplained nickname. "I love you, too, Gilbert!"

And then they fucked, and lived happily ever after as boyfriends because Gilbert saved Matthew from killing himself, which practically counts as a love confession in the fucked-up world of bad fanfiction.

The end.

A/N: READ BEFORE YOU HATE Let it be known that I don't actually write like this.

I don't know how much hate mail I'm gonna get for this, but I'm ready. Bring it on, motherfuckers.

We're learning about satire in English, and I've decided that I needed to address this issue within the PruCan ship through humor. Like A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift. It's about eating babies. It was funny.

Mmm... Baby bacon...

...Anyway.

As I search through the 73 (so far) pages of PruCan fanfictions on this website, I have noticed two greatly reoccurring themes: depression and suicide. This wouldn't normally upset me. I understand that cutting is not funny (I have a friend who cuts as well, and I hate myself for being so helpless while I see more and more scars on her wrist when her sleeves accidentally ride up.), and that many members of this website are struggling with depression and use writing as a release for their emotions.

HOWEVER.

Writing takes originality, and originality means not using the same overused plot line that almost every other popular PruCan fanfiction uses. Sure, you'll get reviews, and sure, you'll feel better about yourself because of those reviews, but wouldn't you rather work for your success? Wouldn't you rather go through the process of coming up with an original plot? Wouldn't you like to really get to know these characters rather than mindlessly pouring out your own life and problems into their personalities? (That's called Mary-Sue, by the way, and nobody likes her.)

This is just my two cents, though. I only get a penny for my thoughts, so I'll stop overthinking and focus on where that extra penny went. I suspect the government.

TL;DR: Quit writing depressing fanfics. Write some poetry or shit and go to a poetry slam. If you really wanna write, do your research. Look for the most frequently used plot line and then DON'T WRITE LIKE THAT. Be original. That is all.

This has been a highly controversial rant by Sweet Jelly Hearts. Thanks for putting up with my crap. (Wow, this note was longer than the story itself.)

~Jel