Remy's Present

by ElvenMuggle

Oneshot Rogue has a present for Remy but won't tell him what it is. Remy goes ballistic trying to figure it out, driving Rogue insane in the process.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Except for the plot…Marvel owns the rest. How great for them.

A/N: *Sigh* it seems like I can't go too long without writing something. I have serious problems. Anyway, I've never written so much dialogue for anything, but I just kind of let it tell the story in this case. Hope you enjoy!

…

Rogue smirked.

The sight before her was one that she found adorable, funny, and slightly gross all at once. The previous two far surpassed the last of the three, as was usual when gazing upon her husband while he was sleeping. Remy was stretched out on his back across their bed. One arm was hanging off of the bed while the other was slung over on the other side where she would have been if she hadn't decided to get up early that day. Both of his legs were tangled in the sheets at the bottom of the bed where he had kicked them around during the night, and to top this whole image off, a little dribble of drool had escaped the corner of his mouth and was currently working its way down his jaw and onto his neck. Hence the fact that this image was slightly gross.

But just because the drool was there didn't change many things. It didn't change that she loved him more than anyone else in the world, it didn't change the fact that he was still cute while he slept so soundly, and it certainly didn't change that today was Remy's birthday.

Quietly and with a sly grin on her face, Rogue crept around to the empty side of the bed and crawled over until she was hovering over Remy's sleeping form. Really, there was no point in trying to stay quiet. Remy would have kept on sleeping even if she had decided to come in with ten guys on tractors, the Tran Siberian Orchestra, a thousand roaring bears, a truckload of screaming orangutans, a guy in a sabreliner jet, and two gangs firing sub machine Uzis at each other.

Remy was a deep sleeper.

And so she got no reaction when she climbed onto the bed and then stared down at him. It always took a lot to wake him up, even on his best of days. But today was his birthday and he deserved to be woken up in a nice manner. Actually, since today was his birthday, Remy deserved to sleep in, but Rogue was bored and missed her husband's company.

Maybe this was evil. Maybe she just needed to go find something more entertaining to do. Maybe she should quietly get up and…oh who was she kidding? MAYBE she didn't care.

"Remy," she said quietly and leaned a little closer.

As she had expected, Remy continued to snooze comfortably. Noting the drool on his chin, Rogue tugged the sleeve of her shirt down and wiped it off gently. This did nothing to wake him either, not that she had ever thought that it would.

"Mm," Remy grunted sleepily.

"Remy," Rogue whispered and leaned down until her lips brushed his cheek right under his left eye. "Wake up Remy," she placed a kiss on his left eyebrow, "it's your birthday," this time her lips found the space between his eyes. "I know you don't want to sleep all day on your birthday," she murmured softly as she placed a kiss on the tip of his nose.

Remy's brow creased and he made a sound of irritation. One of his hands came up to rub his nose before falling back onto his chest as he resumed sleeping.

"Remy," Rogue tried louder this time and leaned down to kiss his right ear. "Wake up, pickle brain." Just as her lips pressed gently over his closed eye, Remy's hand came up again to sit on her face. She drew back to look at him, seeing that he was still asleep but nearing consciousness. "Remy!" She said a little louder, but still in a low tone. "You have to wake up now! I just found out that I'm pregnant! And it's twins!"

Nothing.

A low, annoyed groan at the back of his throat was all she received for her efforts and a little push with his hand that was still pressed to her cheek.

"The house is on fire!" She tried.

Nothing.

"I'm naked!"

Nothing.

"There's a big, hairy, leggy spider crawling on the pillow towards your head!" She said, knowing full well about Remy's aversion to spiders.

Nothing.

Sighing, she propped her elbow up on the pillow next to him, setting her chin in her palm and looking at him in boredom. "You know, I've always liked how you look when you sleep. You're so cute and you look ten times more innocent than you really are." She was met with steady breathing a little more drool.

"And you sleep so soundly," she remarked as she reached over to wipe up his drool again. "I could do all kinds of horrible things to you while you slept and you would never know. Well, you would know after you woke up, I suppose. But you wouldn't know I was doing them while I was doing them and then you would wake up and be surprised that I had done them. Yep…"

It was barely a movement, but one of Remy's eyelashes twitched. This caused Rogue to sit up in excitement and to loom over him again.

"Are you waking up now? Come on, I bored. Let's go get some breakfast, I'm hungry too. Remy," she said and moved in closer until her lips pressed into his firmly.

Nothing.

Drawing back, Rogue huffed in annoyance.

"Fine, if you're going to just keep sleeping, I'm not going to give you your present."

Rogue wasn't sure how it happened or how fast it had happened, but it had definitely happened. One moment she had been leaning over him and he was asleep. The next moment she was flat on her back and blinking in surprise as Remy bent over her with an almost…insane look in his eye.

"A present?" he asked, sounding excited but still half asleep. "Did you say something about a present?" He blinked rapidly and seemed to be trying to focus on her face.

"Remy, you're crushing me." She gasped.

"Oh, sorry," he eased up on the pressure but didn't let her up. "Now what's this about a present?"

She grinned. "Happy Birthday, Remy!" Her arms found their way around his neck and her lips sought his and pressed to them happily. But he seemed too preoccupied to respond in kind.

"Thanks," he said dismissively. "Now, present?"

She harrumphed and let out a short breath through her nose. "Form a proper sentence first and then maybe."

"May I PLEASE have my present?" He asked politely.

"No."

"WHY!" He whined, sounding very much like a child.

Rogue stared. "You can have it later. I don't even have it right now."

"But I want it NOW!" He continued to whine but then suddenly he stopped and fixed her with an intense stare. "What is it? Tell me what it is! Tell me! Tell me now!"

"Um…no."

"Why not?"

"Because it's a surprise."

"Now look whose not forming proper sentences." He said, earning himself a jab in the ribs. "Fine," he sighed. "Don't give it to me now…just…TELL ME WHAT IT IS!"

"NO!"

"You're being very mean," he pouted. "It's my birthday."

"I know, but you need to stop acting so...weird."

"I just want to know what my present is. Now...what is it?"

"Remy!"

"Is it a new shirt?" he guessed, and Rogue glared at him. "OR a new toothbrush? I need a new toothbrush. Or…or…OO! Are we going fishing? Or bowling? Or to that new arcade? Or-" he gasped. "It's sex! It's sex, isn't it? I knew it! Thank you, honey, that's exactly what I wanted."

"Remy," he growled and punched him in the shoulder. "It's not sex."

"What?" his face fell. "No sex?"

"I didn't say no sex," she reassured him with a pink face. "You'll get that too…But that's not your present."

"Really?" he brightened.

She froze. "Oh hell, I shouldn't have said that."

"So, what could it be, what could it be? What. Could. It. BE?"

Rogue groaned.

"It must be something big," he continued without acknowledging her. "It's got to be for you to be so secretive."

"I'm hardly being secretive."

"But what big thing is there that I want?" He ignored her as he kept talking in thought. "Hm…is it…a new…" His eyes widened and he leaned down until their noses touched. "…POKER TABLE?"

"Remy, you're making my eyes cross." She said normally and blinked at the dizziness he was causing. "And NO, it's not a poker table."

"Oh…ok then…"

"Stop trying to guess!"

"Lemme think…"

"Stop it!"

"Is it…"

"Stop!"

"A brand-"

"No!"

"-spanking-"

"Cut it out!"

"-new-"

"Shut-up!"

"-car!"

"Oh," she relaxed. "No, it's not a car."

He cried in dismay and pressed his face into her neck. "Rogue," he wailed in a distraught voice, "please! If you love me, you will tell me what it is!"

"Remy!" She said firmly. "Get AHOLD of yourself!"

He sat back up to look at her to argue. "But I HAVE to know what you got me!"

"No you don't! Calm yourself down."

He whimpered sadly before rolling off of her and straight out of bed to stand on his feet.

"Ok," he said steadily, "when do I get this present?"

"All in due time," she replied as she stood up on the other side of the bed. "Get dressed."

He immediately perked up. "Why? So you can give me my present?"

"Uh, no," she said slowly and ignored his sound of protest. "We're going to lunch with John, remember?"

Remy, who had been heading towards the dresser, paused in mid-step. "John isn't my present, is he? I see him all the time."

Rogue sighed as she began making the bed. "No, Remy."

"Where are we going to lunch?"

"We're going to that Mexican place."

"Is that my present?"

"NO!"

"Fine," he said sadly and walked into the bathroom.

Rogue sighed in relief when she heard the water running. If he kept pestering her so much she might accidently let the surprise slip. It wasn't even that big of a deal. Maybe a little expensive, but it certainly didn't warrant this reaction. She had only been married to Remy for three months and this was the first time they would be celebrating his birthday together. Now she wished that someone had told her that he was like this when he knew he had a present coming.

This was insane.

This was scary. Rogue was worried about her husband's sanity, and also worried that he might pry the surprise out of her. No! She wouldn't let him ruin it for himself! If it was the last thing she did, she would NOT let Remy find out what his present was! Until it was time to give it to him, of course.

Remy's shower seemed to go quicker than was normal and soon he was out and dressed and pestering her again. Rogue ushered him out the door and into the car. She climbed into the driver's seat, scared that he would be too busy talking to her to be able to drive safely.

"Why won't you tell me?" He asked sadly as they pulled up to a red light. "It's eating me up inside!"

Her hands tightened on the steering wheel. "What the hell is wrong with you, Remy?"

"I don't like not knowing things!" He said desperately, "It drives me crazy knowing there is present out there for me and I don't know what it is!"

She gaped at him but then looked back out of the windshield when she noticed the light had turned green. As she drove through the traffic of downtown Bayville and to their designated restaurant, Remy of course continued to pester.

"Tell me."

"NO!"

"Just tell me!"

"NO!"

"PLEASE tell me!"

"NO!"

"I don't understand why you just won't tell me."

"Because it's a surprise!" She sighed. "Remy please, I'm getting a headache."

"Me too." He crossed his arms and pouted out the window. "Won't tell me what my present is," he muttered.

Rogue glanced over to shoot him a look, only to see that he wasn't buckled up. "Remy! Put on your seatbelt!"

"No!"

"Remy…" she said warningly.

"You can't tell me what to do!"

"Oh yes I can! Put on that seatbelt right now Remy Lebeau! Don't you make me pull this car over!"

"Or what? Is mommy going to spank me?" He asked but then he brightened and jerked his head to look at her. "Hey! Is that my present?"

"NO!"

"Meany…"

Rogue growled but didn't say anything else. At this point she was just about ready to one) crash the car just so he could see the dangers of riding without his seatbelt, two) tell him what the damn present was just to get him to shut up or three) drive faster to the restaurant because she knew they had a bar in there, and Rogue could use the drink right about now.

She chose the third option, pressing her foot down onto the gas a little harder and earning a look from Remy. But she didn't care. At this point she almost regretted waking him up. No, what she regretted was telling him that she had a present. That turned out to be the worst thing she could have done.

The rest of the ride was mostly silent, except Remy kept muttering things under his breath and everytime he did, Rogue would shoot him a glare.

Finally they arrived at the restaurant and walked inside. John was already there, sitting at table near the back and munching on the complimentary chips and salsa.

"Remy mate, happy birthday!" He shouted and waved them over, causing several other people to turn and look.

"Thank you, John," Remy said stiffly as he slid into the booth across from him. "At least someone thinks it's a happy day."

John just looked confused. "Well I didn't say that exactly but…wait, what's up with you two?"

Rogue decided against her better instincts and sat next to Remy just as he answered John.

"Rogue won't tell me what my present is."

"It's a surprise!" She hissed and fought not to slap him over the head with the menu.

John lifted an eyebrow. "OO a prezzie? Well I can't argue with that. She can't tell you if it's a surprise."

"Thank you John," Rogue said in relief.

"Screw you John," Remy said at the same time.

Rogue gaped at him but John just smirked and started chewing on another chip.

"Hola!" the Mexican waiter appeared at the end of the table and smiled at them all. "Señores, Señora, what would you like to drink?"

"Water," John answered before shoving another chip in his mouth.

"Water," Remy answered and then glared at Rogue.

"How about a double vodka martini?" Rogue asked the waiter sweetly. "With a cherry."

The waiter nodded, looking a little concerned, and then walked off.

"Wow Rogue, you start drinkin' early," John remarked. "I like it."

"I don't," she replied flatly and glanced over at Remy.

"Um…"John glanced back and forth between them. "Ok then…"

"And what's this about you taking her side, hm?" Remy glared at John, but he just looked at Remy in confusion.

"Hm?"

"You took her side," Remy leaned over and grabbed a chip. "You said she couldn't tell me if it was a surprise."

"Well, she can't." John pointed out.

"And I'm not going to tell you." Rogue added firmly.

Remy slammed both of his palms down on the table (causing people to turn and stare again) and turned pleading and desperate eyes on Rogue. "You HAVE to tell me! I HAVE to know what it is! PLEASE!"

Rogue and John stared at him in silence.

"Remy…" she said slowly. "I don't know what happened to you while you were sleeping but…stop it. You're creeping me out."

As if to prove her point that something was wrong with him, Remy's hands found their way to his hair and pulled on it anxiously. "PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE!"

Before an equally worried Rogue or John could answer, the waiter appeared at the table and set their drinks down in front of them. With a breath of relief, Rogue picked up her martini and took a huge gulp, earning another concerned look from the waiter.

"Are you ready to eat?" His gaze slid from Rogue, drinking like a fish, to Remy, pulling his hair out of his head, and then to John, who had a spot of salsa on his chin and several chip crumbs on his jacket. "Oh, ok, I give you another minute," he said quickly before turning on his heel and running off.

"Rogue," Remy said slowly and he calmly lowered his hands from his now insane looking hair to the table. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm sorry, I just…I've always been like this. I go crazy when I know someone has a present for me and I don't know what it is."

Rogue eyed him over the rim of her glass. "That's a serious problem. And when I say serious, I mean it's seriously annoying."

"I know," Remy hung his head. "But I swear every time I think about the present-" he winced, "I go crazy. I'm sorry but please, for my sanity and yours, please, please, please, just tell me what it is."

"Remy!"

"What?"

Rogue stared at him. Remy stared back. John stared at both of them and then dipped another chip into the bowl of salsa. The waiter across the room stared at them and said to the guy next to him, "I think those people are high." A few people at the surrounding tables stared at them and wondered what was wrong with that crazy Cajun man. A bird flying past the window stared at them and then dived for the ground to find a worm.

"Why do I feel like everyone is staring at us?" John muttered as he suspiciously glanced around the restaurant.

"Fine Remy," Rogue sighed, not even hearing what John had said. "Stay here and I'll go get the stupid present!"

Taking another gulp from her drink, she set it down on the table as Remy perked up.

"Really?" He nearly shouted he was so excited. "Thank you! Thank you! I love you! Thank you! Hurry up."

Growling under her breath, Rogue slid from the booth and walked away. Once she was out of earshot, Remy, now filled with more panic that ever before, turned to John.

"Let's go." He said quickly as he pulled out his wallet and started throwing money on the table.

"Er," John stared at him, his mouth still full of tortilla chip. "What?"

"We're going to follow her!" Remy said and stood from the table. He reached over and took hold of the Australian's sleeve, tugging him up while ignoring his muffled protests.

It was a long moment before John was able to finish chewing and then swallow, but by that time they were halfway to the door. "What the—Rems what're we doin?"

"I can't wait for her to get back, I'm too anxious!" he explained as he dragged John out of the restaurant. "Look! There she is!" He pointed out an unsuspecting Rogue as she was pulling out of the parking lot. "Where's your car, John? Hurry, we have to go faster if we want to catch up!"

John sent him an incredulous look. "Mate, you do have problems."

Three minutes later, Rogue was driving down the road and listening to the radio. As she pulled to a stop sign, she had the most peculiar feeling that she just couldn't shake. It was that funny feeling that you got after watching a horror movie that really scared you. It was that feeling you got when you watched that scary movie and then went into a room all by yourself and you just KNOW that someone is watching you.

But that was absurd. She was driving down the road on the outskirts of the city, who would be watching her? Shrugging, Rogue pulled away from the stop sign and kept driving peacefully. She turned up the radio to keep her company but didn't really listen to anything anyone was saying.

Humming quietly, she slowed down for another stop sign (this road seemed to have plenty of them) and drummed her fingers on the steering wheel as she waited for another car to cross the road in front of her. It was at that point that the funny feeling returned. Someone was watching her. She couldn't explain properly HOW she knew that for certain, but she knew. Rogue leaned over to turn the radio down and looked around her.

Where she was at right now was just a peaceful and mostly empty road. There were a lot of trees on either side of her so unless someone was in there watching…perhaps a squirrel…

Completely convinced now that she was just making things up in her head, Rogue sighed to herself and rolled her eyes, catching a glimpse of her rearview mirror as she did so.

Only to see John and Remy in the car behind her. She gasped and gawked at her rearview mirror.

"What the hell-" she turned sharply to stare at them. Remy, who was driving was looking positively insane and leaning over the steering wheel while staring at her intensely. John was in the passenger seat and shaking his head while covering his face with one hand.

Turning around, Rogue glanced around them to see that it was only their two cars on this road at the moment. Growling, she put the car in park and pulled out her cell phone, viciously punching in John's cell number.

She could see John in the rearview mirror, looking embarrassed as he pulled his phone out of his coat and answered.

"Hiya Rogue."

"John! What the HELL!"

"Remy made me do it!" he insisted. "I'm sorry I-" And then his voice was gone and Rogue could see that Remy was jerking the phone out of his hand.

"Don't worry, chérie, Remy's just-"

"What is WRONG WITH YOU?" Rogue asked worriedly. "What happened to my husband?"

"I've always been like this."

"Since when have you EVER been like this?" Rogue shrieked. "I'm really worried, Remy! You're acting like some kind of deranged monkey!"

"I'm…I'm sorry. I'll just follow you now…"

Groaning, Rogue hung up on him. There was no point in fighting it anymore. Remy was going to keep acting like this no matter how many times she blew him off or told him to stop. And honestly she was starting to become worried about his sanity and the quicker she could make him act normal again, the better.

So it was with this thought in mind that she pulled the car away from the stop sign and kept driving. But at least the martini seemed to be doing its job. She hadn't drunk so much that she was intoxicated, but it had calmed her down a considerable amount. She was almost starting to feel like she really didn't care anymore. Remy could have his present now and that was fine.

But then a horrible thought struck her. What was she going to do at Christmas time? If Remy was this bad over one present, how would he react knowing that he had more than one coming? Well…the solution to that problem was simple. Remy wasn't getting any Christmas presents this year.

Rogue drove for a few more minutes (glancing every now and then in her mirror to see Remy still looking absolutely crazy and driving as close as he could to her back bumper without hitting her) before she finally arrived at her destination. The Xavier mansion.

Earlier that month, Rogue had ordered Remy's present but had it sent here where Kitty was keeping it safe and hidden for her. She hadn't planned on coming by this early to pick it up, so she hoped that Kitty was home.

Luckily, she was. Rogue dragged herself out of the car and walked slowly into the house with Remy following two inches behind her and telling her to hurry up.

Kitty was coming down the stairs as they came in the front door and looked at them with some surprise.

"My spirit is broken!" Rogue wailed, causing Kitty's eyebrows to shoot up. "I need the present, Kitty." She said sadly. "Please."

"Uh-" Kitty looked to Remy, breathing down Rogue's neck and looking anxious, to Rogue, looking stressed and slightly drunk, and then to John, who stood behind the others, waving and grinning at her. "Ok then…" She said slowly before turning and heading back up the steps.

"I know!" Remy gasped as soon as Kitty was out of sight. "You got me a puppy, didn't you? A puppy! I've always wanted a dog."

"Yes, Remy," Rogue replied dully, "You guessed it, it's a puppy."

They stared at each other for a moment before Remy broke out into a grin.

"It's not a puppy!" he laughed.

"Oh God…" Rogue started out pretending to laugh along with him, but ended with a strangled wail into the hands she had placed over her face.

Remy didn't notice. "I wonder what it is…"

"Maybe its Bob Barker," John offered seriously.

Remy looked at him confusedly. "Why would my wife buy me Bob Barker?"

"Mate, why wouldn't she?"

"…"

"What?"

"…What?"

"What the hell…" Rogue said incredulously into her hands.

They waited for a few more moments before Kitty finally came back down the stairs, carrying a flat rectangular sized box in one hand and looking worriedly at Rogue. Remy bounced on the balls of his feet, waiting impatiently as Kitty walking down towards them.

"Rogue, are you ok?" Kitty asked as soon as she had approached them. Remy reached out and grabbed the box from her, not even noticing the look that Kitty sent him.

"I'm fine," Rogue sighed, almost happy that this was nearly over. She didn't care what happened now; she just wanted her husband to be normal again. "Open it Remy," she said calmly, "Happy Birthday…"

Remy tore into the box, ripping the bow in half and sending the paper flying in a million different directions. When he took the lid off, he almost dropped it he was so excited and he gasped as his eyes lit up.

"It's-" He pulled it out of the box to hold up in front of him. "It's a new leather coat!"

"Yes," Rogue smiled. "It's just like your old one except without all the tears and stains and the part where you scratched my name into the collar—OOF!"

"I'll have to scratch your name into this one too," Remy said happily as held her in a bone crushing hug.

"Remy," she gasped, "I can't breathe!"

"Oh, sorry," he let her go and kissed her long and hard, prompting to John and Kitty to throw the torn remnants of wrapping paper at them. When he finally pulled away he continued hugging her. "Thank you Rogue, I love it, you're the best wife ever. I'm sorry I was difficult, I love you!"

"That's enough!" John complained. "Making me sick…"

Remy ignored him.

The next morning…

Something was touching Rogue's face. It was incredibly annoying because it was waking her up, but on the other hand, it somehow felt very nice. She didn't want to wake up yet though and swiped a hand blindly in front of her. The feeling stopped for a moment, only to continue as soon as she had just started to drift off…

It touched her cheek and her chin and her forehead and the space between her nose and her top lip before it landed right on her mouth. Groaning, she opened her eyes to see Remy above her, pulling away and grinning broadly.

"Good morning," he grinned.

"Mmm." She grunted in response. "Go away." She groaned before closing her eyes again.

"But chère," he said lightly, "if I do that, you won't get your present."

Rogue cracked an eye open. A present? Remy had a present for her? Why? Why would he do that? What was it? Where was it? She had to know.

"Gimme," she said and held out a hand.

His weight disappeared from the bed and he was walking away, calling over his shoulder at her—"It's in here; I guess you can just come get it when you're ready to get up." He walked out of the room, leaving her to watch after him. She could go to Remy out in the living room and get a present…or she could go back to sleep. Oh the choices. The answer was obvious.

With a smile, Rogue rolled over, snuggling into the covers and drifted back off into a nice, happy sleep.