The Amazing Yehak and the Mysterious Conrad
It was a sunny day in New Makoku or Shin Makoku, depending on what Shinou had decided it was called that day, but all was not well regarding the hearts of the inhabitants. In the Maou's office (a.k.a that random room with the desk in front of the window where Yuuri occasionally signs papers and Gwendal sits and frowns), Yozak lay on a plush divan, his fiery hair gleaming in the sunlight, Gwendal, Wolfram, Yuuri and Günter standing around him. Conrad is nowhere to be seen.
"Yozak, why is your hair so shiny today? It's blinding me!" Yuuri complains, shielding his eyes.
"I borrowed Günter's demon-banishing shampoo to entice Conrad. Why don't you love me?!" Yozak screeches, bursting into tears.
"Don't worry Yuuri," says Wolfram enthusiastically "wear these sunglasses. Look – I have a pair too! Now we match!"
Wolfram passes a pair of Bob-style shades to Yuuri and puts on an identical pair himself.
"Wolfram, we're married now – you can stop trying to force me to wear the same hat or glasses as you due to some perverse notion that it's a declaration of my love!"
Wolfram gives Yuuri his best evil glare and Yuuri moves away from him with a look of disconcertion on his face.
"He may be a wimp, but he's my wimp!" Wolfram concedes, kissing Yuuri, who blushes profusely, on the cheek.
Yozak bursts into fresh floods of tears and screeches a series of incoherent noises.
"What did he say?" asks Wolfram.
"After that time Heika went off gallivanting instead of doing his magisterial duties and I had to fill his place, listening to the citizens complain about their love lives, I have learned to translate the cries of the lovesick," Gwendal replies.
Yozak continues to squeal incoherently.
"Roughly translated, he said: I can't bear to be around this loved up couple! Conrad, why don't you love me?! I worked out to get these superbly sculpted biceps for you and you don't even notice! Blah blah blah…Knitting is the most macho thing ever and is in no way an indication of a warped childhood, a mother complex or an actual emotional side," Gwendal says.
"Gwendal, even Yuuri didn't believe Yozak said that last part," Wolfram replies.
Yuuri gives Wolfram his best attempt at an evil look, which is not particularly esteemed amongst the judges of the Annual Mazoku Glower Award – Gwendal has one this award an innumerable number of years in a row.
"Ah, it was worth a shot," Gwendal says, smiling before resuming his renowned evil glower.
Yozak finally regains composure.
"Where is my beloved Conrad anyway?" he asks.
"Oh, Yuuri and I told him there was a "Guys Who Make Dubious Jokes About Alaska and Looked Better with Their Old Haircut" convention in the main city," says Wolfram "he's on his way now."
"Won't he be disappointed when he gets there and there's no-one else there?" asks Yozak.
"No, we paid Dorcas and his friends to dress up and pretend they also share a passion for supposedly "amazing" jokes."
"Dorcas has friends?" Yozak asks, looking flabbergasted.
"I was surprised too. They're actually members of his "Bald Mazoku Guys Who Used to Have Even Worse Haircuts and Have Been Accused Of Having Stubbly Heads" club. They meet on Wednesday s."
"Back to the actual point of this meeting," says Yuuri, "what are we going to do about Yozak?"
"I have to tell him straight. All my life I've been trying to get his attention by wearing a sweatband into battle or these extremely attractive bandage socks. The only reason I got the job dressing as Miss Biceps was for him – he's really into…"
"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!" scream Wolfram, Gwendal and Yuuri simultaneously.
"Fine, I won't tell you, but I do need to confess my undying love for him."
"On a slightly unrelated point, where do you live anyway Yozak?" Gwendal inquires.
" I can't tell you, but there is absolutely no truth in the rumour that I hide in the tower opposite Conrad's room and watch everything he does. No truth whatsoever. Shifty look, shifty look!" Yozak says in an attempt at being sly.
"One: I did not want to know that either. Two: that would work better if you didn't say "shifty look"," Gwendal replies.
"Really?" pipes up Günter, "You watch Conrad from a tower? I do the same to Heika! Oh…such a beautiful body!"
Günter lapses into a dream-like trance again, mumbling "Heika" every so often and squirting blood all over the floor from his nose. Gwendal tries to combat his extreme unease at these various revelations by taking out his knitting, Yuuri shudders and Wolfram lunges at Günter.
"He's my Heika!" Wolfram screams.
"Wolfram, he can't hear you," Yuuri points out.
They all look at Günter, who mumbles a little more, flicking his hair like a fangirl.
"Anyway…" says Yuuri, "back to the main point – how are you going to convince Conrad you love him. He seems pretty oblivious right now despite your obvious advances, like jumping out of his birthday cake dressed as Miss Biceps."
"You're one to talk, Yuuri," retorts Wolfram, "I used the word love in conjunction with our relationship a million times, I said I'd die for you, I kissed you and you still didn't get it!"
"I'm sorry."
"How did you actually get him to realise?" Yozak asks, looking expectantly at Wolfram.
"I decided to organise a ceremony for that weird Earth tradition "Valentine's Day". I put rose petals and baseball related things everywhere and then made a list called "Things I Find Kawaii About You". Then I locked him in the room with me and read the list to him," sighs Wolfram, with a look of nostalgia on his face.
"And I finally realised when he read the last thing on the list to me through a megaphone – "Kawaii no. 566. The fact that you haven't yet realised I'm in love with you"."
Yuuri and Wolfram look dreamily at each other, holding hands.
"Anyway…" Gwendal begins, now knitting a tea-cosy that says "KNITTERS DO IT 24/7", "You could announce it in public – that might get the point across."
"That's a good idea, but you can't use a megaphone because I did that," says Wolfram.
"You could try planting a message in that flower Conrad Stands Upon the Earth," suggests Yuuri.
"I already did that," sighs Yozak, "but Ryan's panda dug through the soil so instead of saying "YOZAK LOVES CONRAD", it looked more like "YO C-RAD". Conrad still thinks he has a very flamboyant stalker."
"If only there was another way…"
On cue, Anissina leaps into the room, accompanied by Greta, wheeling an exceedingly frightful contraption behind her.
"Introducing the "Maryoku Conveying Stuff Kun"," Anissina bellows.
"Tada!" Greta chimes in.
Wolfram, Gwendal, Yuuri and Yozak peer at the bizarre invention before them; Günter continues to mumble. The Kun is actually just a box with a screen with soe rather unnecessary sharp protrusions.
"That looks like that "TV" thing Yuuri has on Earth," says Wolfram.
"It can't be as good as my invention – you simply stand in front of the sister invention – the "Maryoku Converting Stuff to be Conveyed Kun" – turn both of them on and you appear on this screen, for whoever's watching to see and hear!" Anissina announces.
"Does it work?" Yozak asks apprehensively.
"What do you mean does it work? Of course it does!" booms Anissina, pressing the button to turn the machine on, only to be confronted with an abundance of purple smoke and a whirring sound that fades into the distance.
"Well, maybe there are a few things that need sorting out. To the laboratory! Experiments Ahoy!"
Anissina and Greta sprint out again, leaving the others looking decidedly bemused.
"You know," says Yuuri, "if that invention actually works, we could use it to help Yozak!"
"Really? No!" Yozak replies sardonically.
They all descend into thought, except Günter, who squeaks "Heika!", blood squirting from his nose once more.