All warhammer 40K related items shown are property of Games Workshop. I do not own them. Becuase if I did, I would have already made my staff to reintroduce the Squats. Blah,Blah,Blah - assorted legal mobo jumpo.
Anyway, this is a series of random funny tales based of the Warhammer 40k universe. Enjoy - feedback (of any flavor)and ideas are welcome.
Tale 1- Kharn Football
It was on the plains of Kaldore V that Kharn had assembled his mighty legion of Berserkers for a then unknown purpose. With a snarl and an occasional decapitation he had gotten his horde to construct a massive pole, 50 meters tall with a unusual u-shaped construct placed directly on top and afixed with duct tape. Then Kharn commanded that all of the melta-bombs of the horde be placed together in a large oblong shape and be held together with additional duct tape. Having done so, the horde then placed the oblong-bomb a distance of 100 m directly in front of the the large construct.
The horde was then ordered to form two parallel lines that ran the length of the area marked out by the bomb and the construct. Kharn then gave instructions that the horde was to remain completely still and silent until he gave the signal. Kharn then ran off, laughing like a maniac, off into the horizon. The horde, afraid to even move and worried that the warp had finally driven Kharn bat-fucking-insane decided to do exactly what they were told... no matter what.
Some two hours later, the dazed and confused horde heard the sounds of Kharn's heavy boots as he ran at neck-breaking speeds straight at the oblong-bomb. At the last meter, Kharn came to a stop and administered a mighty kick to bomb, sending it hurling direct over the U-shaped construct and quickly out of sight as it continued to rise into the sky. Kharn had immediately put his unarmored hand over his eyes as he watched the bomb's progress, even as it left his sight.
The horde was unsure as to whether the signal had been given, but the fear of the Betrayer and the fact he wasn't currently killing anyone cowed the horde to follow his edict no matter what. Kharn and the horde remained in this position for three hours as the subtle sounds of the prairie took over and a type of peace descended once again. However, soon the horde began to hear a small roaring sound from the direction the melta-bomb had gone and soon turned their eyes to the sound.
Then, in a blaze of white heat, A Emperor class Imperial Battleship broke through the atmosphere and cloud cover and descended down towards the plains. It ran on a direct collision course to the assembled Berserkers and soon came into contact with the ground in a huge boom that toppled the U-shaped construct and the horde, but Kharn continued to maintain his post, hand still shielding his eyes from the sun. The battleship continued to crave it's way to the assembly as huge valleys were created in it's wake and huge chunks of the battleship were sheared off with tremendous cacophony. The horde got back to it's feet and continued to gape as the battleship continued it's collision path to them, not even appearing t slow down in the slightest bit. One berserker decided that he wasn't insane enough and had tried to run, but Kharn's plasma pistol made short work of him as Kharn never took his gave from the fixed point he had been watching for over three hours.
As the battleship continued to close the distance between itself and the horde, it slowed down at an increasing rate that when it finall came to rest, the tip of the prow was directly at the spot that the construct had been erected. Several secondary explosions continued to detonate within the Battleship as the oblong-bomb's effects and the crash landing combined to cause the entire ship to suffer critical failures. The berserkers soon noticed that the bridge of the ship had a large hole in it that suggested... an external force had gone right through the void shields, had torn its way through into the very bridge of the craft, and exploded. As one, the horde soon realised that Kharn's punted bomb had escaped from the planet's gravity, traveled on a perfect collision course with the bridge, and had enough energy to rip right through the ship's defenses to finally bring about it's crash landing on Kaldore V by eliminating the bridge.
One by one, the berserkers (who were so amazed that not even the word killing would have registered in their brains) tore their eyes from the destroyed battleship back to Kharn, who remained at his position for another five minutes as he inspected his handy work. Then, he slowly put both of his arms straight up and shouted "GOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL." The horde, realising that this was the signal, instantly broke out into wild cheering and chanted Kharn's name as they left the field.
Kharn, what a great guy.