When it's all over and the storm has finally subsided, Shaw wastes no time hanging around. Within seconds of the last standing Samaritan agent hitting the floor of the old, abandoned factory he and two others had chosen to use as a safe house, Shaw is leaving. She doesn't stay to watch the men take their final few gasps of air, she doesn't collect their weapons and she doesn't take any of their phones, which probably have the last few secrets that Samaritan has managed to hide from them. Instead, she leaves, her feet determined to take her to the only place on her mind right now... Root.
It has been almost two years since she was last able to freely roam the city. Two years of the usual jumping from safe house to safe house and changing identities every few days. Two years of not being able to go to the places that she wants. All the times she has imagined this day, she has imagined herself shooting off to her favourite restaurants, bars, going to the park with Bear, she's pictured it all. But now that she truly is free there is only one place she wants to be and even though she has every intention of taking complete advantage of her new found freedom, there is something that she must do first.
It's almost two in the morning and Shaw is well aware that this can wait, but she has never been patient and she never will be. She also has a strange feeling that this is exactly where she is meant to be, regardless of the time, or the threats the weather man has been making all week of the impending snow fall.
050313.
Shaw stares down at the number, her hands stuffed into the pockets of her duffel coat to keep her fingers from freezing off. Nothing has changed. And she doesn't know what she was expecting, but for some reason, the fact that everything is exactly the same displeases her. Maybe she has been allowing a part of her to believe that the next time she was able to come here, the headstone would be gone, but Root would not. Or maybe everything displeases her now and she just hasn't stopped and realised just how truly displeasing everything is until now.
"Samaritan's dead. Killed the last agents on my list about an hour ago." She feels strange talking to someone who is no longer here, talking to a headstone, but she feels like this is necessary. Root was a part of the team, she would want to know how things ended.
Shaw looks down at the icy looking grass around the headstone. The grass that Root was put to rest under. It feels weird to be so close, yet so unbelievably far away from her. And after all of this time running around, fighting and then preparing for the next fight, she starts to feel old wounds open. Wounds that she thought she had closed off long ago.
"It's over." She looks at the stone again. "I just thought you'd want to know."
She has said what she wanted to say. She has let Root know that the world is safe again for now. She has done what she set out to do and she has completed her mission. She has so many places to go after so long avoiding them in case she was being watched, so many things she wants to do, like go to her favourite burger place where her and Reese used to always go after an all-night stake out. Or go to her favourite steakhouse and make a double order to make up for lost time. So much to do and yet she can't seem to walk away.
"You're the reason I'm still alive, you know." Shaw waits a few seconds and then rolls her eyes. She can't believe that she is actually doing this. She can't believe that she is actually about to tell Root this, whether she is here to listen to it, or not.
"I was going under. There was no where to turn and I was going under... then I got your message." Shaw huffs in amusement. "Four alarm fire." She thinks back to the first time she said those three words and she has to put a considerable amount of effort into forcing away the smile that threatens to show on her face.
Four alarm fire. They were just three stupid words at the time she said them, they meant nothing, just part of a silly made up metaphor to keep Root at bay. She could have never guessed just how important they would become to her in the future. Shaw runs her teeth over her bottom lip as she looks over the graveyard. She can barely see anything in the pitch black, but what she does see is the small snowflakes start to fall from the sky.
Shaw looks up at the sky for a moment and watches as the flakes of pure whiteness fall down. There is something peaceful and tranquillising about the snowfall that allows her to let go of some of the tension in her body that has been building since the moment she stepped into the graveyard. She looks back down at the six numbers on Root's headstone.
"I'm not going to promise I'll come back because I probably won't." She's lying and she knows it. "But you're more than six random numbers on a headstone, Root."
She isn't sure if what she has said makes any sense, but she leaves it at that. She takes one last look at the grave and starts to walk away. As she walks away, she thinks that her words probably don't make sense, but she doesn't mind. She knows what she was trying to say and she thinks Root would have understood as well; she always did. That's all that matters.
/
Honestly, Shaw did not expect that she would ever come back here. But here she is. Stood at Root's headstone once again. It's almost midnight and she wasn't intending to come anywhere near the graveyard, let alone actually come in and visit again. She was supposed to go on a run, tire herself out, go home, shower and climb into bed with Bear. But that part of her that enjoys pain and likes to experience the torture of a Root-less world dragged her here and she just didn't have it in her to turn back.
She pulls the hood of her jacket down and pulls down the zip to reveal her black vest. The cold, icy air hits her chest and it will probably cause her to get the flu at some point, but she doesn't mind. It is better than the sharp pain she continues to get in her chest, and sometimes the coldness is just what she needs to keep herself from falling into the painful spiral of thoughts that have been surfacing recently. The kind of thoughts that make her want to put her head into a blender.
"I don't know why I'm here." She tells Root, her left hand on her hip while the other hangs by her side.
A small smile creeps up on her and she doesn't hide it like she usually would.
"For someone who doesn't feel anything, I'm sure doing a lot of sentimental shit, huh." It sounds like she is asking a question, but she doesn't mean for it to be one. She knows that even if it was that she wouldn't get an answer.
The smile vanishes just as quickly as it arrived and Shaw looks around at the snow covering the graveyard. It's light and fluffy and it reminds her of Root. Because even though Root was a killer psychopath filled with an amazingly dangerous skill set, almost as dangerous as Shaw's own skill set, she was kind and caring too. Her words were mostly light and the way she would touch Shaw was gentle and soft when they weren't rolling around in the sheets, or sparring.
Shaw looks down at the headstone and shakes her head.
"I don't know why I keep doing this. It's not like you can actually hear me." The words hurt her chest and she isn't sure how much she believes that, but she says it anyway.
It wouldn't surprise her if Root can hear everything that she is saying. She doesn't think that she can, but it definitely would not surprise her. Root was extraordinary. She could find a way to achieve the most unachievable of things and Shaw should of admired her more for that when she was here. She isn't sure if she feels regret, but she wishes that she had of admired Root and her skills more.
A strong feeling of anger suddenly hits her and as unexpected as it is, it is comforting. This is one emotion that she can handle quite easily without the unsettling feeling that comes along with it.
She glares across the graveyard and lets out an annoyed sigh. There are many reasons why she is angry. It's the same few reasons that it usually is. She is angry because she wants to say something, but she doesn't know what she wants to say, she doesn't know what would be the right thing to say. She wants to be able to come here and not feel the pain in her chest that grows with the words that leave her mouth, to not feel the pain that makes her throat feel tight every time she thinks about Root. But most of all, she is angry because she wants Root.
All she wants is Root. She isn't sure why she wants her, maybe she misses the annoying, flirty comments, or maybe she just misses the sex. It could just be the sex. That wouldn't surprise her. It was mind-blowing and she doubts that she will ever find anyone who pleasures her quite like Root did. But Shaw knows that saying it is just the sex would be her lying to herself. She doesn't just miss the sex because it was always more than just that with Root. That became clear very quickly when Root would started randomly turning up at Shaw's apartment and deciding that she was going to stay the night. And Shaw would let her.
And she will never tell a soul this, but she thinks she misses the way Root would touch her. Just little touches, here and there that meant nothing to Shaw at the time, but now they mean something. She isn't sure what they mean, but they definitely mean something. In fact, she just misses Root being around in general. Misses her popping up on missions, duelling guns and being the definition of a safety hazard. A sexy safety hazard. She misses her voice in her ear. Yes, the machine still uses Root's voice and it is still as annoying as ever, but it isn't quite Root's voice anymore. it sounds more robotic now and Shaw really dislikes it.
Shaw blinks twice and looks back down at the headstone.
"I don't know what missing someone feels like, but I'm pretty sure this is as close to it as I will ever get." Shaw admits because she knows that those words would make Root smile. That smug, dopey smile that she would put on when Shaw would say something that indicated she cared.
Shaw never realised just how much she did care until it was all over.
Her phone starts vibrating in the pocket of her black jogging bottoms. She sighs, annoyed by the interruption. She is tempted to let it ring, but it could be something important. Even though Samaritan is gone the numbers are still coming as frequently as always and with her currently being the only one who is able to deal with the numbers full time because Fusco refuses to quit his day job, she can't really afford to ignore her phone.
Shaw pulls the phone from her pocket and looks down at the phone for a few seconds before she answers and brings it to her ear. The Machine gives her a number, a place and a time. She hangs up as soon as the message starts to repeat and puts her phone back where she pulled it from.
"Sorry, Root. I've got to go."
She leaves it at that and starts to walk away. She wishes that she was better at this kind of thing... she really does.
/
There is blood leaking from the bullet hole in her left shoulder as she climbs into the car Fusco has just pulled up in outside of her most recent number's house. There is also blood dripping down her cheek from where her number managed to slash at her with a razor sharp piece of glass from the bottle she had smashed over his head. Fusco doesn't have to tell her that she looks like shit, Shaw can tell that she does by the look on his face as he gives her a once over before starting the engine.
"Guessing he wasn't the friendly kind then," Fusco comments, focusing on the road lit by the bright streetlights ahead of him.
Shaw doesn't respond. She stares out of the car window and watches the world pass by. There isn't much night life outside considering it is a Thursday night in New York City and if Shaw cared, she might wonder why. But she does not care. The only thing she does care about is getting home so that she can shower, patch herself up and pet Bear. She doesn't like leaving him alone for too long anymore. She knows that he can cope being alone, but that doesn't mean that she likes the idea of leaving him.
"Finch called me this morning." Shaw knows where he is going with this. "He was asking about you."
Shaw rolls her eyes.
"I'm fine."
"Yeah, yeah, we know, we've heard it all before." He is starting to annoy her already and she could easily lean over, press the blade of her knife to his throat and tell him to shut up. It would certainly stop him from having this conversation with her ever again. However, his next words stop her from doing so. "He suggested we meet up at that steakhouse you love so much."
Just the thought of sitting in a booth and having to not only put up with Fusco's annoying small talk, but also Finch's constant questions and inquiries about her life is uncomfortable. But she knows that Finch will be paying and it is really hard for her to turn away free food, especially when it is steak on the menu.
"I'll think about it," Shaw says, not giving him any hope with her answer.
The car in front of them puts their breaks on unexpectedly and Fusco has to break hard. The force of is causes them both to shoot forward in their seats slightly and the action causes Shaw to feel a sharp pain shoot up her arm to her shoulder. Her number was a terrible shot. It took him four bullets just to get her in the shoulder, while Shaw waited him out and managed to shoot him in the stomach with just one. Finch would have been horrified.
Traffic starts to move again and to her surprise, Fusco stays silent. He seems to have finally realised that Shaw isn't exactly in the mood to talk. Not that she is ever really in the mood to talk anymore. She has never been one for talking actually, but recently she seems to have gotten worse. Fusco thinks that it is like she is drowning and she can't quite reach the safety of the lifeboat. Or she doesn't want to. He isn't sure which it is and he doesn't think he has the mental strength to argue with Shaw tonight, so he tries his best to keep his worries to himself.
Shaw looks down at her wounded shoulder and moves her hand up to touch the hole in her leather jacket. She purposely pushes a little too hard on the wound and grits her teeth when another wave of pain shoots up her arm. She prefers this pain to the pain that resides in her chest. She looks out of the window again and frowns. Something about this feels familiar.
Non-lethal bullet wound, left shoulder, leather jacket... Root.
"Stop the car," Shaw says suddenly.
Fusco has learnt not to hesitate when Shaw tells him to do something, so without questioning her, he starts to look for a parking spot. He finds one a few seconds later and he pulls into it straight away. He is about to ask what is going on, but Shaw is out of the car and the door is being slammed shut before he can even open his mouth. He considers going after her, but he knows better.
After twenty minutes of walking, Shaw arrives at Root's grave. And as usual, she has no idea what she is going to say. All she knows is that this is exactly where she wants to be right now, even if the cold air is starting to make her injured shoulder hurt even more.
"I was going to kill you." Shaw admits. "I aimed for the centre of your chest and I was just about to pull the trigger when I changed my mind." It's the brutal truth and Shaw knows that Root probably already knew this, but she wants to say it anyway.
She stuffs her hands into her pockets, feeling stupid with them dangling by her sides. She then looks down at her wounded shoulder again before returning her eyes to the headstone.
"My number shot me in the shoulder." Shaw bites her bottom lip for a few seconds, wondering whether the next few words she is about to say are worth saying at all. She figures she might as well say them anyway.
"We match now." She tells the grass under which Root is buried.
Shaw knows how much Root would have loved hearing those words. She probably would have been the one to say them if she was still here. She would have taken great pleasure in stroking the scar that will surely form in almost the exact same spot that was once on Root's left shoulder, while muttering about how they belong together and this is proof.
Shaw rolls her eyes, but her heart strings tighten an almost unbearable amount and she knows that it is time to go.
"I better go, Fusco's waiting for me." She isn't sure if he is, but she really hopes so. She doesn't fancy walking home tonight.
Shaw takes one last look at the numbers displaying on the headstone. She hates those numbers, but somehow they are also her favourite numbers on the planet. Not that she would ever admit that to anyone. Not even to Bear.
"I'll be back." She isn't sure why she says that, because she has never said it before.
She doesn't dwell on it. Instead, she walks back towards where she left Fusco waiting.
/
Shaw comes to stand in front of the headstone with Bear by her side this time. She has her gloves on and the hood of her jacket is covering her head from underneath her coat. It's another cold winter night and she should probably be at her apartment, tucked up in bed with Bear lay beside her and the heater as close to her as it can be without setting alight to her bed sheets. But she would much rather be here, with her.
She lets go of Bear's lead and watches him as he wanders a few feet away from her, still close enough that if anyone was to try and attack her he would be there in a second. She knows that she shouldn't let him wander around the graveyard freely, but she trusts that he won't pee on anyone's grave, and even if he does, as long as it's not Root's, Shaw doesn't care. Also, she doubts anyone will be here at this time to see him and complain. Even if they did, one glance from Shaw and a growl from Bear would very quickly shut them up.
Shaw looks down at the headstone and stuffs her hands into her pockets, as usual. She doesn't know how she ended up here. She had only intended to take Bear for a walk to try and wear off some of his restlessness. But somehow, no matter what destination she has in mind, she always seems to end up here. She always ends up coming back to Root.
Maybe Root was right, maybe they do belong together.
Bear returns to Shaw's side and she looks down at him to see that he is looking at Root's headstone, his head tilted to the right slightly. He takes three careful steps forwards, his front paws on parts of grass that Shaw is sure Root is under. Shaw watches him curiously, wondering if he knows where they are, or why they are here. She doubts it. She doesn't doubt how smart he is, because for a dog, Bear is incredibly wise, but there are some things that even the smartest of animals can't quite grasp.
Bear raises his nose from the spot of grass he was sniffing and looks at the headstone again. He then turns his head to look up at Shaw and if she wasn't a sociopath, the look in his eyes would break her heart. He lets out a short, soft whine before he moves away from the headstone quickly, walking behind Shaw and then nuzzling her legs apart so he can stand in between them.
Shaw no longer doubts him.
"He misses you" Shaw says. She still isn't use to talking to a grave, to someone who can't actually hear you and respond, but she has done it enough times now that she no longer thinks about it. She just does it and says whatever comes into mind.
"Sometimes, he wakes up in the night and looks around the apartment for you." Shaw pauses to wet her slightly chapped lips. "He always looks so confused when he can't find you."
Bear lets out another quiet whine and lowers his head closer to the floor in a sad motion. Shaw wonders if he will stop looking for Root now that he understands why she is never there anymore. She quickly dismisses the thought; she knows that he will never stop looking for Root, just like Shaw wouldn't.
"He waits for you to come home too." Shaw continues. She briefly realises that she just called her apartment a home, Root's home. She decides to pretend it never happened. "Sometimes, I catch him staring at the door with big, sad eyes." She looks down at Bear, who is still stood in between her legs. "I think he knows you're not coming back. He just doesn't know how to let go."
Shaw looks up at the six numbers printed on the headstone.
"Neither do I," she admits.
Letting go has never been hard for Shaw. She has seen so much death in her life and never once has it affected her. Not until Root. Then again, she has never met anyone quite like Root. She was special in a way that Shaw can't put her finger on. She was somehow worth more than all the others and Shaw can't understand, or even begin to find the reason why.
It wasn't love. Shaw knows that it wasn't love. She isn't capable of it. But maybe it was something close to it. Something that is able to cause this terrible, constant aching in her chest.
Bear whines again, slightly louder this time and Shaw decides that it is probably best if they leave. Bear is obviously uncomfortable, Shaw is also uncomfortable with all the thoughts that are running through her mind and it is probably starting to drop below freezing point now. She isn't quite sure she has done what she came here to do, or say whatever it was she wanted to get off her chest, but at least she came back. There was a large part of her that did not want to come back, despite the promise she made the last time she was here that she would; coming here only hurts her chest more and brings up old memories... painful ones.
Shaw sighs. She will never know the right thing to say to Root. Surprisingly, knowing that she won't get a flirty reply doesn't help.
"I'll see you around" She settles for, despite knowing that she won't be seeing Root again.
She leans down and takes a hold of Bear's leash with one hand while she scratches his chest with her other. He looks up at her with his sad eyes again and she can feel something clawing at her insides. She isn't sure what it is, but she thinks that it means it's home time.
"Come on, buddy."
He doesn't have to be told twice. He moves from in between Shaw's legs the instant the words leave her mouth and he starts to walk. He pulls on the leash which he usually doesn't do that much anymore, but Shaw doesn't tell him to stop. She wants to get away from the graveyard just as quick as he does right now.
/
Shaw tucks her hands into the pockets of her jacket as she comes to stand in front of Root's headstone once again and she sighs. Visiting the graveyard is becoming a habit that she was trying to avoid. It's become a big enough of a habit that Finch has now picked up on it. But Shaw thinks that the only reason he really knows about her visiting Root is because Fusco figured it out after that night in his car when she bolted to see Root.
The snow is starting to fade now, but the cold is not. And Shaw isn't sure whether it's the weather keeping her temperature from rising anymore. All she knows, is that she is always cold.
For once, she is here during the daytime. She has been avoiding coming during the day due to being seen, or overheard by someone, but the area seems empty. Apart from one couple stood at a grave by a tree, far enough away that Shaw doesn't have to worry about them hearing anything she might say to Root. She doesn't want anyone to know what she says to Root, not even if they are complete strangers.
They are staring down at a grave and the man has his arm around the woman's shoulders. They don't look too sad so Shaw assumes that whoever's grave they are looking down at isn't someone too close to them. Shaw tilts her head curiously and watches as the woman looks up at the man. Even from where she is stood, Shaw can see the look of love the woman is giving to the man and for a second she thinks that she might have to look away as the pain in her chest threatens to tighten. But then, the woman looks down again and nestles her head against the man's chest, like she has just found herself the perfect place to call home.
That thought hurts Shaw's chest a hell of a lot. Because that's what Shaw was. She was Root's home. She realises that now, even if it is too little too late.
Shaw sighs and looks down at the headstone. She rolls her eyes at what she is about to say because she already hates herself far too much for even thinking it. But now that she has this one particular thought running around her mind in circles, desperate to escape, she knows that she has to let it out. It will only hurt her chest more if she doesn't.
"I think we would have been okay together." Okay is an understatement. "It would have been catastrophic and I doubt any of us would have survived it... but I think we would have been a hard fire to put out." She knows Root would not have survived having all of Shaw, but now that she really thinks about it, she doesn't think that she would have survived giving all of herself to Root either.
It was always going to end like this. They both knew that right from the start. One of them was always going to end up six feet under while the other looked on, unsure of what to do with their-self. But Shaw never thought that it would be her. In fact, she had hoped that it wouldn't be her.
"But, even if a fire can't be put out, they all die out eventually."
If she was anyone else, her tone would be shaking and her eyes would be watering. But she isn't anyone else. And she barely feels anything, even now while she is stood over Root's grave, once again, admitting such... intimate things. The only thing she is aware of, the only thing that she can feel, is the pain that latches onto her chest like a newborn baby would latch onto it's mother. It is a tight, uncomfortable feeling and she thinks that too much of it might kill her.
Shaw considers carrying on, telling Root some more of the thoughts that are currently non-stop swimming inside of her mind, but she stops. She isn't fully sure why, but she thinks that she has given Root enough of herself for one day. Or maybe she hasn't. She doesn't know and no matter how much she gives, she will never really know if it is enough.
"I didn't love you." Shaw says, setting the record straight before she gives Root one last admission before she leaves.
"But my heart hurts sometimes when I think about you." She would describe the pain if she knew how, but words have never been her strong point. But it doesn't matter, because she knows Root would have been happy with what she was hearing regardless of whether she could explain it, or not.
Shaw looks around the graveyard again. The couple have gone and there isn't another person in sight. That helps with some of her body's tension. She then looks down again and frowns slightly as she reads the numbers on the headstone again, the ones that she has reread so many times now. And with the pain starting to tighten in her chest again, Shaw knows that it is time to go.
"I wish we could have had more time, Root." She says. "I really do."
She turns away from the grave and starts to walk away. Something inside of her tells her to look back, begs her to turn around just for a few seconds. But Shaw keeps walking.
/
Five weeks of constant working, barely sleeping, and barely eating, much to Shaw's dismay, the team finally get a rest. The Machine tells Finch that they can all have two days off because she has recruited a new team member and Shaw doesn't wait around to ask any questions. It is six in the morning and there is somewhere much more important that she needs to be.
As usual, Shaw comes to stand on the now damp grass before Root's headstone. Another shower of rain starts to fall from the skies above and she pulls her hood up before she tucks her hands into the pockets of her hoodie. She is not exactly dressed for this kind of weather, but it has taken her five weeks to finally get the chance to be here and there is no way she is leaving now just because of the slight downpour of rain.
"I haven't been around much lately." She says it like it's an apology, even though she never apologies for anything. "The Machine's been keeping us busy."
Shaw bites the split on the right side of her bottom lip, not for any reason in particular, just to feel the pain. Or maybe, she does it because that pain sure as hell beats the pain that is about to expand in her chest with her next sentence.
"Could really use you, or John right about now." She pauses, suddenly remembering about the Machine's mention of a new recruit. "The Machine says she's found us some help. We haven't met whoever it is yet, but I already know that they won't be anywhere near good enough to fill the hole you guys left." She doesn't mean it in a harsh way, just stating a fact.
She also knows that this new team member won't look anywhere near as hot as Root did when she would come bursting into a room with wavy kinks in her hair, a sway in her hips and a pistol in each hand. However, that is a fact that she keeps to herself.
The thought of someone else joining the team suddenly sits uncomfortably heavily on Shaw's chest. Inviting someone new into their small circle of bandits could be the Machine's way of trying to replace those that they have lost. And that thought does not sit well at all with Shaw. No one they lost was replaceable. Especially not Root.
"Whoever joins us, they won't replace you... no one could ever replace you, Root." She says it because she knows that the Machine is probably listening in to what she is saying and she wants her to know that if her plan is to replace what they lost, then it won't work. She also says it because it would only hurt her chest more to store something like that so close to her heart.
Shaw shivers; the wetness and the cold is finally starting to get to her.
She looks around the graveyard to see that just like usual, she is alone. She isn't surprised. This is weather that she would normally avoid coming out in as well, but recently it isn't her head that has been controlling her actions.
Biting at her split lip again, Shaw looks down at the headstone. 050313. The numbers never change and neither does her reality.
"I'll be back when I can." Shaw says and turns to walk away.
Just like the last time she was here, something tells her to turn around, begs her to turn around and this time, she does. But she sees nothing. She doesn't know what she was expecting, but she certainly was not expecting the hallow, empty feeling that comes as she continues to walk away.
/
Shaw pulls the front of her beanie down to just above her eyebrows before she tucks her hand back into the deep pockets of her duffel coat. The weather may have changed for the worst again, but she is still here. A bit of cold weather won't stop her from visiting the graveyard. Especially when she knows how much all of these visits would have meant to Root.
Slowly, she scans the area around her. As usual, she is alone. And recently that is all that she has wanted after the training that she has been giving to their new team mate. To Shaw's surprise, The Machine hired another woman. Well, she is more of a girl considering how young and inexperienced in this particular field she is, but still, Shaw can see why she could be valuable to them. Especially with her rough background and her even rougher upbringing. Orphans always are the best soldiers.
One thing Shaw had not been expecting when she was first introduced to the new girl was that they would have so much in common. They both love food, especially steak, and they both prefer dogs over other human beings. Another common trait they share is their coldness to the world and their heartlessness. The new girl isn't quite a sociopath, but she certainly shows some of the same traits as Shaw. And Shaw was definitely not expecting to have to restrain the girl on their first real mission out because she was about to strangle their number's enemy to death. She is usually the one being restrained. Even though that could be something for them to worry about, Bear approves of her so, Shaw does too.
"The new girl's not too bad." She starts. "She's called Shay. She was part of an illegal fighting ring until one of her bosses screwed her over. Guess The Machine offered her a way out."
Twenty years old and she already has ten years of perfected fighting skills under her belt. Shay reminds Shaw of herself, but she will never admit that.
"She's reckless, but I'll knock that outta her." Shaw says, smirking because she means it literally.
Shaw licks her dry lips.
"She's the complete opposite of you." She says. "I think that's the real reason why The Machine chose her. Finch says I'm wrong, but we both know I'm usually not."
It wouldn't surprise Shaw if that was true. The Machine could easily have picked someone exactly like Root to try and give them something they were use to, but instead she gives them Shay. Shaw thinks that The Machine is trying to give them some kind of fresh start, or she is trying to encourage them to move on. Little does she know, Shaw has no intention of moving on.
Shaw smirks slightly as she looks down at the headstone.
"Don't worry. She's got nothing on you, Root."
She knows that Root would have been jealous if she was here to hear Shaw complimenting the new girl, or see them training together. To Shaw it is just part of the job. If she trains Shay well then she will have a lesser chance of getting injured, or dying and Shaw will have someone to watch her back. But to Root, seeing Shaw getting physically with anyone who wasn't her, or an enemy would have been a reason to be jealous.
"No one's got anything on you." Shaw says, quietly.
Recently she has thought about this quite a lot. About if she could ever move on from Root. Of course, she doesn't mean relationship wise; Root was the one and only exception to her no relationships rule. But she has been wondering whether it would feel right to ever sleep with anyone else after what she had with Root. The answer is no. She feels stupid for it, but she knows that she will never be able to be with someone else the same way she was with Root and feel any kind of pleasure. Whether it's her undying loyalty to blame, or the attachment to Root that she still can't seem to break, she will never know.
The pain in her chest is starting to become unbearable again and she feels the need to run. She doesn't want to go, not really, but when it hurts this bad, being here with Root won't help.
"I've gotta go. Bear needs a walk." It's the lamest excuse ever, but it feels wrong to just leave.
Shaw walks away quickly. She is displeased when her chest still burns as harshly as ever even after she has left the graveyard.
/
Shaw takes up her usual place in front of Root's headstone and does her usual check of the surrounding area. Two men, possibly brothers, are walking along a path to her right and an older woman sat on a bench in front of a grave to her left. They are all well out of earshot, so their presence doesn't irritate her like it usually would.
Her chest has been none stop hurting since the last time she visited and she is clueless as to how to stop it. Usually, she can cope with the pain, it stays with her always and it hurts, but it is never strong enough to make her feel like this. This level of pain is making her extremely uncomfortable. She doesn't feel like herself when it hurts this much. And after her dream last night, the pain has only grown.
Her dream where Root was alive and she was lay there beside her, chatting nonsense into her ear while running her fingers up and down Shaw's bare ribs. Her hair tickled Shaw's shoulder, her breath was warm against Shaw's collarbones as she spoke and her touch was electrifying. It all felt so real and yet, when Shaw opened her eyes, it was all gone. Until she closed her eyes again and she could have sworn that she could still feel Root lay there with her.
She didn't sleep after that, she physically couldn't, and since that moment, the pain has been borderline crucifying.
Shaw closes her eyes and breathes in through her nose and out through her mouth, her right hand rubbing her chest, right above her heart. She knows that this won't soothe the pain, she's tried it before, but it does help release some of the tension in her shoulders. However, having her eyes closed for too long is not a good idea. Not after last night.
Shaw opens her eyes again and looks anywhere but at Root's headstone.
"My chest hurts." Shaw tells her, still rubbing at her chest. "It hurts so much, Root."
Shaw stops and clenches her teeth together as she deals with a rather large burst of pain around her chest.
"Maybe I was more attached to you than I thought." Shaw says, more to herself than to Root.
Sociopaths can care. Shaw is living proof of that, but what she wasn't aware of until now, was that they can become emotionally attached to a person. Maybe that is what this pain is. Maybe she is finally emotionally realising that Root is gone and that she isn't coming back. Whatever it is, it hurts and she hates it. And unfortunately, being here is not helping.
"I have to go." Shaw says, even though she doesn't want to.
"I need some time. I have to figure this thing out." She bites her lip hard and looks down at the headstone.
050313.
Shaw turns and walks away. She doesn't say when she will be back, she doesn't look back and she doesn't stop.
/
It's been three weeks since Shaw was last here, but as always, nothing has changed. She sighs and looks around the graveyard, doing her usual scan of the area. When she is satisfied that she is alone, Shaw looks down at Root's headstone. There is a leaf on it and that displeases Shaw completely. She bends down and brushes it off the headstone before standing up straight again and tucking her hands into her hoodie pockets.
She feels awkward, like she is starting all over again and she isn't sure what to say. The pain in her chest is still there. It's always there. She could start with that, but then the pain might get worse and she isn't sure if she can handle worse right now. Not while she feels so broken and empty.
"I saw a man and woman find each other after three years of searching today." She isn't sure why she wants to tell Root this, but she knows that she wants to. "His number came up and after we got him to safety he asked us to find his wife. I don't know why they had to split up to begin with, but I guess it was kinda nice to see them reunite."
Shaw looks down at the damp grass.
"It kind of made me think of us." She says, quietly. "We found each other again, even after all of that Samaritan shit."
Shaw swallows as she feels the pain bubbling in her chest, waiting for the perfect time to strike. This is really not what she signed up for when she decided to let herself get to know Root.
She looks up at the headstone.
"I'm not sure how much I believe in all this afterlife stuff, but I think we'll find each other again." Shaw says. "Maybe we'll be born again and we'll meet and things will be different." She pauses and looks across the graveyard as the pain squeezes tightly around the muscles in her chest. "Or, maybe this is it... maybe this is all we get."
Shaw clenches her fists in her pockets as she feels her anger start to build along side the pain. This had better not be it, especially not when she barely even had the time to realise just how much she appreciated Root and wanted her around. She didn't even have time to allow herself a real relationship with Root. All they had was sex, sleepovers, tiny amounts of cuddling and a week without boundaries after Shaw came back from Samaritan.
"Either way, you better be there, or I'll be taking off a lot of heads." Shaw says, trying to lighten her own mood.
It doesn't work. Shaw sighs and looks up at the cloudy sky. It is a terribly depressing day and it suits the mood of the graveyard. If she was a poet, this would be the kind of thing she would write about.
"I don't know who I am anymore." Shaw looks back at the headstone. "Since you left I'm not the same. Everyone says it and at first, I didn't believe them... but now I see it."
Fusco was the first to point it out. He said that she was acting weird when she didn't finish her burger on their first stake out not too long after Root's death. She said she was full, glared at him and told him to shut up. She was lying.
Finch pointed it out when he caught her staring at a pair of handcuffs in the backseat of his car after a number. The same pair of handcuffs that Root had used to unsuccessfully tie her to a bench when her cover had been blown. She told him she was fine and made a joke about his and Grace's kinks, watched him go red as he denied it. She was lying again.
Shay has been the only one who hasn't commented on her change, but then again, she didn't know Shaw before she lost Root. She has nothing to comment on and that is why right now, she is Shaw's favourite to partner up with, besides Bear of course.
"Maybe I need a vacation. A few weeks some place sunny couldn't hurt." She likes the idea of leaving the city for awhile, but she despises the fact that she can't take Root with her.
"I could explore a new city, somewhere in Europe maybe, drink scotch straight from the bottle and get a tan all in one. Only problem is I can't take Bear." That is a big problem. "It's not like he wouldn't have anywhere to stay, Fusco and Finch are happy to have him... I just don't know if I should leave him."
Shaw isn't the only one who has changed since losing Root. Bear seems the same as usual, but he has these new little things that he does, things that he never use to before, like stare at the door until Shaw has to tell him that Root isn't coming home. Even after his visit to the graveyard he doesn't fully understand.
Her phone vibrates in her back pocket and she rolls her eye. She pulls it from her pocket and sees a message flashing on her screen from The Machine. Fusco needs her help with a number, urgently.
Shaw sighs and puts her phone away.
"Sorry, Root. Fusco needs me." She explains.
Shaw walks away, thoughts of a much needed vacation filling her mind.
/
"It isn't fair."
Shaw doesn't know why this is her opening statement, but it is. There are so many other things she could have started this visit with, but that was the first thing that sprung into her mind. Mostly because it's true. It isn't fair. Life isn't fair and anyone who says different is stupid. Also, she has seen couples reuniting around her all week and she hates it.
"A week... How is that fair, Root? A week. All we got was a week." She is angry again, but unlike this morning in the subway while training with Shay, it is tamed anger. Because she could never let her rage loose whilst being stood here in the graveyard.
She is angry at the world, at the people in it and at anything and everything that isn't Root. She is that angry that Shay is lucky that she escaped with her life this morning. However, what Shaw refuses to acknowledge is that she is angry because of the pain that resides inside of her chest. The pain has not stopped rising and gets even worse every time she stops to think about Root, or sees something that reminds her of Root. And recently, she is sure that it is trying to kill her.
"How is this fair?" She repeats her question that will forever be left unanswered.
Shaw looks across the graveyard, needing to break whatever trance she has fallen into. The same trance she always falls into when she is here.
"I had so much I wanted to tell you, Root. And telling you like this just isn't good enough." The pain grows even more as she speaks and she regrets ever even opening her mouth. And if Root can actually hear her and has been listening to everything she has said over the last few months, she will forever be banging on heaven, or hell's (no one can truly be sure where she ended up) gates to let her go. To let her come home.
Shaw looks down at her feet and shoves her clenched fists deep into the pockets of her leather jacket. She feels a lump in her throat and she tries to swallow it, but it doesn't go. There has only ever been one time that she has felt this lump before and that was a one off. She was caught off-guard by Root's message that The Machine delivered in the subway all them months ago. She is not about to let this lump get the better of her again.
It hurts her chest a lot to do so, but she looks at the headstone again. Her eyes slowly filling with tears that she will never let fall as she stares down at the number, her most and least favourite number.
050313.
It isn't supposed to be like this. It's suppose to hurt less with time, not more.
"I didn't love you." It sounds harsh, but Shaw does not mean it to be. "I won't lie to you and pretend I did. But if I could have loved someone..." She stops to take a much needed breath. "It would've been you."
Shaw doesn't tell Root about how she plans on leaving the city at midnight. She doesn't tell her where she is going. She doesn't tell her that she isn't entirely sure when she will be back, or if she ever will. She lets out a shaky breath, starts to walk away and doesn't tell her anything... accept one thing.
Shaw stops and stares at the ground ahead of her, desperately trying not to think about this too much. It really hurts her heart far too much when she lets things like this get stuck inside of her head. Especially this one thought. The same thought that has been driving her insane for the last few nights. The only thought related to Root that she wants to eradicate completely.
"I guess..."
She turns back, just enough to see the grave.
"I was getting kinda use to being someone you loved."