So You Want To Be King Of Hell?
AKA, the effect of too much Disgaea
This is the second most insane yet enticing idea for a fanfic I've ever had (the first being Low-Wage Worth). I'm taking the entire Naruto world and throwing them…into HELL (literally!).
And you know what's worst?
A lot, but I'm not going to get into that. Yet, the one thing worst than this idea is what I'm going to do to poor Arashi first. In THIS chapter, you will cry, you will vomit, and you will stab at your monitor as a futile attempt to stab at me.
Ha! Have fun!
The Entire Damn Summary This Damn Site Wouldn't Let Me Use: So, you want to be king of Hell? But you're stuck in a team of messed-up misfits, your dopey dad is dead, you're half fox, and you don't know how to use your weapon of ultimate destruction. Ha, have fun.
Dedication: To Kativa-chan, since she thinks I can write SasuNaru despite how I know I can't, and because I love her. And to Determined, because she rocks my hell-bound world!
Disclaimer (for the whole damn fic): I own not Naruto, I don't want Sasuke, and I sure as hell don't need your damn pity for what I don't have (kidding! Shower me with pity if you want!)
Chapter One: So you're pregnant and a guy?
Once upon a time, in a land deep, deep, deep under ground, there was a little place called Hell.
Scary, yeah?
Well it shouldn't be, after all, you've never been there and you don't have a first person account of what goes on there, now do you?
Thought not, now on with the story.
In Hell, it was very hot, considering its closeness (by closeness I mean inside) the earth's core. And since it was very hot, it was also very chaotic because there was only one air conditioner in the place and that was in the king's castle. Many a times did the demons and denizens of darkness beg for entrance to the castle so that they'd be allowed to cool off for a bit. And each time, the guards would scoff and write them off with one simple statement.
"Oh suck it up!"
And the king watched this with piteous eyes. He wondered day and night, if you could tell the difference in the dark fiery pit of HELL, what he could do to help his people.
"What can I do to help my people?" He asked. A tall white-haired demon sighed in exasperation next to him.
"Arashi, are you beginning to care again?" The demon asked, stretching his large, leathery, jet black wings. King Arashi nodded forlornly and the demon growled in frustration.
"Oh for whatever's sake, you shouldn't be giving a care right now! I mean, dude, they're demons, they should be used to the heat by now!" He snapped. King Arashi pouted and poked at the demon's chest.
"Yes Jiraiya, but summer is approaching, and everyone's restless towards whether or not we shall get rain this year." King Arashi explained. Jiraiya was shocked and stumped speechless, seriously. King Arashi sighed once more and looked out the window of his French designed Gothic castle only to see another demon be rejected for some coolness.
"What ever can I do?" He asked again aloud. Jiraiya glared at him and began to study his long claws.
"How about kill yourself, and then we'll see where we get from there." He growled. King Arashi laughed.
"Oh Jiraiya, you're so funny!" He exclaimed and Jiraiya laughed sarcastically.
"Ha he ho, how about you laugh with these nuts in your mouth?" He muttered. King Arashi's super keen hearing (brought on by his pointy ears) caught what he said and he looked disapprovingly at his former teacher.
"What did you say?" He asked. Jiraiya stared at him like he was stupid, which wasn't too far off the mark.
"I said: How about you laugh with peanuts in your mouth? Are you deaf?" He retorted. King Arashi chuckled good naturedly and Jiraiya groaned at the absurdity of it all.
And then entered Count Orochimaru.
"King Arashi, I couldn't help but get utterly annoyed with all your grating whining for pitiful useless demons so I came up here with a solution." Orochimaru explained. King Arashi was awed and Jiraiya was amazed that the dull-witted king didn't catch the blatant insult to his intelligence.
"Really? May you please tell me, Count Orochimaru?" King Arashi asked excitedly. Orochimaru smirked in his sly manner and nodded.
"Deep in the crevices of Hell, there is a group of demons called the Youkai. One of those demons will have the answer to your problem, his name is Kyuubi. Go to him, and fix your problem so we won't have to listen to your annoying whining anymore!" Orochimaru said, and King Arashi nodded excitedly. Jiraiya looked at his partner incredulously, but the black-haired demon just winked and held a finger to his lips.
"Okay Count Orochimaru! I'm off to fix my problem! Take care of the castle for me!" King Arashi announced suddenly, spending his wings to their full length (and effectively smacking Jiraiya in the process). He jumped out the window and soared across the evil and morbid terrain.
"Why didn't you tell him what Kyuubi usually wants in exchange for a solution?" Jiraiya asked Orochimaru warily. The other demon shrugged.
"It's funnier this way."
"I love you so much right now dude, seriously."
"I love me right now, so I can understand."
-----H+E+L+L-----
King Arashi's large black wings flapped smoothly as he dwelled deeper into Hell. He looked curiously at the sleazy hotels and orphanages that littered the streets and shrugged it off as something he'd deal with later. Coming up to a huge black demonic seeming building, he got the feeling he reached the right place.
No, it wasn't the large blaring neon sign that said "YOUKAI". Do you think he's observant or something?
The demon king folded his wings back to his back and walked inside the building. Despite expecting an even darker internal area, like that human-world game he loved (Devil May Cry 3, he may have been slow, but at least he had good taste), he was greeted with a white, impeccably clean lobby, with a secretary and everything!
"Thank you for choosing Youkai Interprises for all your sinful and demented needs. My name is Sasori, how may I help you this moment?" Sasori, as it seemed, asked in a monotone and deep voice. King Arashi tapped on his chin in a pensive manner and grinned.
"I'd like to see a 'Kyuubi', for I have a problem that I'd like to get solved," said the demon king. Sasori's eyes widened and the happiest gleam came into his eyes.
"Of course sir! I'll let you in right away!" Sasori exclaimed, somehow still in monotone, and slammed the red button next to him. "Please go onto that elevator and press nine."
"What does nine look like?" King Arashi asked immediately. The gleam in Sasori's eyes dimmed.
"Like an upside-down six?" He answered.
"But what does a six look like?" Sasori twitched.
"Can't you count?" He questioned. King Arashi shrugged.
"Not in the least. I'm the king of Hell, I don't need to count." He said. Sasori sighed and pointed in the direction of the elevator.
"You know what? Just press whichever button suits your fancy. If I'm lucky, you might kill yourself." The redhead demon muttered. King Arashi chuckled on his way to the elevator.
"Oh I never knew my citizens were so darn funny!" And he walked away for the metal contraption. A long-haired blond popped up from his spot underneath the desk.
"Why didn't you tell him what Kyuubi wants when he solves a problem, yeah?" The demon asked. Sasori grinned.
"It's funnier this way. Now Deidara, it's time for you to get back to work. It isn't going to suck itself, now is it?" Sasori commanded. Deidara grinned and made a fake salute.
"Yes sir, yeah!"
-----H+E+L+L-----
King Arashi did exactly what the nice and funny secretary had told him to do. He randomly pushed a button and hoped for the best. The first three times he had ended up in various rooms with a few demons. Rokubi, Gobi, and Nibi, their names were.
And finally, he reached what looked like Kyuubi's office. Walking out the elevator jubilantly, the blond demon skipped to the big, pretty mahogany desk with a backwards business chair facing him.
"Good whatever-the-fuck-time-it-is-now, what have you come to the Kyuubi for?" A deep sultry voice asked from the other side of the chair. King Arashi scratched the back of his head and smiled dopily. Like always.
"I'm trying to get my problem solved, and my advisor pointed me out to you!" said the demon king. The chair swiveled around and King Arashi blinked as a long red haired demon with blood red wings and fox ears instead of pointy ones leered at him.
"Really, then tell me your problem," Kyuubi said, grinning perversely. King Arashi smiled back at him, all too unaware towards what Kyuubi really wanted.
"Well, I want my people to be happier with their lack-o-lives, but to do that I need something that would help them cool off effectively." He explained. Kyuubi looked sympathetic and nodded.
"Cute and noble, I like that. All right, I'll solve your problem, free of charge!" Kyuubi said, leering again. King Arashi clapped his hands together and squealed.
"Really, you'd do that for me? Thank you so much Mister Kyuubi!" King Arashi exclaimed. Kyuubi almost creamed himself, but held back as he reached into a desk drawer and pulled something out. He handed it to the demon king, who accepted it with a confused face.
"What do I do with this contraption?" The blond demon asked, fiddling with the thin paper object. Kyuubi chuckled.
"Its called a fan and it's very effective in cooling off!" Kyuubi said. King Arashi made an 'o' with his mouth (which Kyuubi found to be the perfect shape for whatever was going through his sick demented head) and grinned. But then he frowned.
"Yet I need enough of these for all of my citizens though…" He pouted, making Kyuubi's eyes roll to the back of his head as he practically drooled at the situation. The fox demon grinned at him lecherously and got up from his desk, stretching his wings to make him look much more threatening. And sexy, which wasn't required because for whatever's sake he was KYUUBI.
"I can get you enough to help all of your citizens, TENFOLD, and all you have to do is one simple thing for me," Kyuubi began, stepping closer to King Arashi. The demon king nodded frivolously and grabbed Kyuubi's surprisingly soft hand.
"I'll do anything!"
That was the biggest mistake of the idiot king's life.
Later that day/night/what-the-fuck-ever, King Arashi was soaring through the skies with an aching ass. He crash landed onto the top of his castle, and stood up woozily only to fall over on the roof. The demon rolled down and would've fallen to his repeated death if it weren't for Jiraiya's instincts. Which he hated more than he hates Orochimaru's poetry.
And Orochimaru's poetry sucks.
"Yo, brat! Are you all right!" Jiraiya asked, shaking the poor demon's body more for kicks than to see if he was healthy. King Arashi opened his eyes and smiled.
"Hey…Jiraiya?"
"Yeah brat?"
"Guess what?"
"What?"
"I just save more than 15 percent on my car insurance by switching to Geico…"
And the king passed out. Jiraiya blinked confused.
"What's a Geico? In fact, what the fuck is a car?"
-----H+E+L+L-----
"Arashi, you're kinda pregnant." Tsunade said as she slapped some gloves onto her clawed hands. Jiraiya and Orochimaru shared a secret high-five as King Arashi gaped.
"I'm pregnant?" He asked slowly. Tsunade nodded.
"Pretty much."
"There is an infant in my stomach?"
"Kickin' like a soccer player."
"And I'm going to be okay?"
"Not in the least, the moment this baby is born, your body won't be able to handle it, and you will die. And despite being in Hell, you will not be coming back." Tsunade explained. King Arashi pouted and began to curse whoever got him pregnant.
Kyuubi sneezed as he masturbated idly.
"Right, so when the fledgling is born, will you tell Sarutobi to take over?" King Arashi requested. Orochimaru scowled.
"Why Sarutobi? Why not Orochimaru? Why can't the BLACK-haired guy rule Hell? Damn racists…" Orochimaru mumbled and muttered under his breath. Jiraiya smiled and patted his best friend's should in a reassuring way.
"Don't worry; he's going to die anyway."
And Orochimaru suddenly felt a little better.
"Oh, and when the fledgling is born, can you also have Iruka of the Umino clan take care of him?" The demon king asked as well. Jiraiya nodded but frowned.
"Yeah, sure, but why him?"
"I'm having a sudden flash of canon, okay?"
"Damn, don't get pissy at me Preggy!" Jiraiya growled. King Arashi looked shocked.
"How DARE you—"
"How dare I what? Tell the facts? Dude, you are PREGNANT, you are a FREAK of NATURE, and you must LIVE with it! Well, not as much live with it anymore, 'cuz we all know what's going to happen soon!" Jiraiya said, sharing another secret high five with Orochimaru. Tsunade held up her hand and they high five'd her too.
"But I still love ya kid." Jiraiya said, ruffling the demon king's hair. King Arashi smiled.
"Okay, I'd like some time by myself right now." He announced. The three much older demons shared equal grins and walked out slowly. And before the last of the trio, Orochimaru, closed the door, he smirked and looked at the king with amusement.
"Goodbye… King Preggers…"
-----H+E+L+L-----
"So…that's how I was born?" A blond demon with large black wings and a long fox tail narrowed his bright blue eyes. His teacher nodded with an uncertain grin, scratching the back of his brown haired head.
"Yeah, I didn't really know how to break it to you Naruto…" Iruka said. Naruto scoffed and scratched his naked chest idly. Normally male demons wore a tunic, but Naruto rejected that idea immediately. All he wore was his long tattered cloth that wrapped around his waist and reached down to his clawed toes.
"I really don't care, except what does all of that have to do with the exam coming up?" He asked with a canine poking out of his mouth. Iruka sighed.
"Well, your idiotic father left you a weapon for when you prepare for the exams, and I wanted you to at least know how you came into being before you go off and kill yourself. The blond fledgling chuckled.
"All right, I don't understand in the least, but hey, a weapon. Gimme."
"It isn't that simple Naruto…"
"Aw fuck! A cliffhanger!"
Indeed Naruto, a cliffhanger just for you!
END CHAPTER ONE
I hope the first chapter of this insanity induced crap was okay. I'm almost proud of it, in a sick and demented way.