Monsters and Closets

Summary: Michael used to be afraid of the monsters in the closet now that he's older knows where the real monsters are. Why Michael is the way he is and what he is really afraid of. He wasn't young anymore, but he still couldn't sleep at night.

Michael: When I was young, I couldn't sleep at night. Because I thought there was a monster in the closet. But my brother told me there wasn't anything in the closet but fear. And fear wasn't real. He said it wasn't made of anything, it was just air. Not even that. He said you just have to face it. You just have to open that door, and the monster would disappear.
Sara: Your brother sounds like a smart man.
Michael: He is. In here though, you face your fear. You open that door, and there's a hundred more doors behind it. And the monsters that are hiding behind them, are all real

- 'Cell Test' 1x03

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Michael used to be afraid of the monsters in the closet when he was young. He would check the back of his closet every night with a torch to make sure that there was nothing there. Of course, that was aside from his dingy pants from the secondhand shop and his older brother's hand-me-downs which he loved. He couldn't get over it. That was until Lincoln talked to him. He told him that there wasn't anything in the closet. It was only fear and that wasn't real. It couldn't hurt him. Michael believed Lincoln because Lincoln knew everything. He helped Michael finish homework and he also knew how to get Mom to give them pizza for dinner. He helped Michael get back his favorite tennis ball that the next-door neighbor's brat stole. He helped Michael do things that kids did with their dads. Lincoln knew everything.

That was until their Mom died and everything good died along with her. Lincoln didn't know the answers to everything anymore. He couldn't keep their Mom from dying. He couldn't keep them from being hungry when there was no food. Michael found out that there were a lot of things that his brother couldn't do. His older brother, whom he'd idolized for so long, couldn't even keep his promise. He couldn't even keep them together. So Linc went to Juvie while Michael was sent to the foster home.

At Pershing Ave, it was all too painful in so many ways. Michael found out that Lincoln had neglected him. His older, knowledgeable brother had neglected to tell him about where the monsters really were. They weren't in the closet. They were outside the closet. Once the closet was opened, it was like opening Pandora's box. The monsters didn't disappear. They multiplied. They were real. They were hiding, hiding inside people. Michael believed that people were like closets with all these monsters harbored within them. Were the monsters all lurking somewhere beneath the friendly smiles in everyday life?

For months after his foster placement, Michael was afraid of people and afraid of himself. It took years of tranquilizers, antidepressants, hypnosis and talk therapy to convince Michael that he had to face everything like he had when he was younger because he couldn't live life being afraid of people all the time. But no one could truly convince him of the knowledge conceived in childhood wisdom. While real closets no longer bothered him it was the figurative closets that bothered him. No amount of reasoning or drugs could sway his opinion. He could live among monsters but their shadows still haunted him.

Lincoln tried very hard but eventually his frustration overtook his concern. Lincoln thought that Michael was most afraid of his own brother turning on him but really he was most afraid of himself. Of his own monsters inside his head. Michael hadn't seen bits of monsterness leak out of him. No green goo and random fits of violence. Except for the L.L.I. It worried him because he wasn't sure if it was indication of monsterness. He was afraid it would come and take over. He was afraid of losing control. He wasn't sure what caused monsterness but he was afraid that if he was bad or thought something bad or saw something bad…it would somehow tip his scales over to the dark side and unlock his inner closet. That was why Michael could never see himself as worth anything good. He could never be a good guy. He was tainted inside. He'd seen something bad and he had done bad things. He had to keep himself locked up, imprisoning himself in a mental purgatory.

The more he thought about the closet, the more it resembled his jail. Were the real monsters inside or outside? 'The Company' wasn't in here with him but they couldn't be worse than the supposed monsters in Fox River State Penitentiary. He would rather face down a Fox River inmate over a Company agent any day. He thinks about all the bad things he's done to deserve going to jail. In order to be amongst monsters to save his innocent brother, he now has to face one everyday when he looks into the mirror. So when he told Sara he'd like to face the monsters on his own, he was telling the truth. He just hadn't mentioned himself. He was scared but it wasn't that he wasn't man enough to admit it; it was that if he admitted it he would be giving up on himself. He can't even lock himself up anymore because someone else is locking him up. It's out of his hands.

He wasn't young anymore, but he still couldn't sleep at night. Even his dreams are about monsters. They are figures in black chasing him all the time and he can't get away. He opens door after door to try and run from them but there are always more monsters. It all feels so very real even when he's awake, his prison clothes clinging to his sweaty skin in the early hours of the morning. He's in his cell but he's not safe. Every night, it feels like the monsters are closing in on him. He's worried that if he gets too tired, if he doesn't want to run anymore – he might be tempted to just let them take him. So then he has to run, run, run from himself but where you hide? He knows instinctively once it takes over, he can't go back. But he wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore because once he was one of them, they couldn't hurt him.

In the early hours of the morning, Michael contemplates all the good things he's done for those he's loved – he wonders about whether its really the monster's doing. He has to be ruthless to be successful. He'll use a mafia boss, a rapist, a thief – whoever will ensure his plan's perfect execution. He knows he'd do anything to make sure that Lincoln is safe and alive but he hopes he won't be tested on that. His heart is still pounding in his chest and he wonders about the monsters closing in on him, about the real monster he's become.

And you become a monster
So the monster will not break you – U2