"It hurts…"
"Hey, don't cry now… You're a big girl, aren't you? Brave and strong like Aveline in that story I told you last night. Isn't that right?", he patted my shoulder, glancing nervously at the menacing Templar that strode past us.
"A-huh…" I sniffed, rubbing my runny nose.
"Come, show me where they cut you. They just took a bit of your blood for safe-keeping - they do that with all of us." he took my bandaged hand gently in his, looking earnestly into my teary eyes, "You mustn't be sad or scared, all right? This is your home now. The Templars watch over you, and I will always look after you."
-o0o0o-
"Illya? Illya Surana? Helloooo?"
I jerked out of my reverie, and lifted my eyes dazedly to Alistair's. He lifted an eyebrow quizzically and I looked away, blushing furiously. He must think I'm such a dolt.
"Welcome back to reality," he said, giving me that adorable grin, "You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Umm… lost in thoughts, you know?"
"You want to talk about it?"
I looked at him, and he looked back at me. Straight into my eyes, unflinching. Strange that it would occur to me then - only one other ever looked me in the eye like that. Most people simply sneered at me for being an elf, or avoided me entirely for being a mage. I guess the shadowy tattoos that sprawled over my face didn't do much to put others at ease either. But as Alistair's beautiful golden eyes met mine steadily, I felt my throat constrict and my cheeks grow warm. I was about to say something, anything, when my mabari suddenly licked my ear, dribbling saliva all over my shoulder.
"Doug! You silly little mutt, what do you think you're doing?" I hooked my arm over his thick neck and ruffled his ears, trying to laugh. Trying to appear unshaken. Alistair grinned at us, reaching over to add some more fuel to our dying campfire.
Ugh, the stupid campfire. Here I was, sitting at a fire in the courtyard, too intimidated to spend the night in Redcliff Castle. Oghren and Morrigan were inside, sleeping in soft feather beds no doubt. But stupid old Illya, so awkward and bewildered, had to insist on sleeping outside. Bann Teagan must've thought I'm immensely rude. Or just crazy, who knows? And of course Alistair insisted on joining me. He'd been following me around like a puppy the last couple of weeks. I didn't know what to make of it. As Doug snuggled up next to me I glared at the flames.
"You know, if you don't want to talk I could just tickle you as a distraction." Alistair teased, eyes glinting merrily.
I giggled nervously. "I'm sorry… its just… I'm not feeling myself tonight."
"I… Is it about that mage in the dungeon? What was his name? He looked like he knew you." His eyes captured mine again, serious this time.
"Jowan. His name is Jowan." the words escaped my mouth, involuntarily. "I knew him. He was my friend. My only friend…"
Sudden tears blurred my vision and I turned my face away quickly. What was this pain I felt? I thought I had left it behind when I drank from the goblet Duncan had offered me, when I left behind my former life. Yet here it was, that all too familiar burning wound in my heart. The sensation crawled upward, choking me, clawing at my brain… and then I felt Alistair's hand on my shoulder. The pain diminished to a dull ache. Green eyes met gold.
"He was all I ever had, and all I thought I'd ever need. Then he… left me, for that silly Chantry girl! We weren't together like that, I know, but still. Why? I thought we would always be together…" words were bubbling from me and I took a shuddering breath. Alistair looked slightly shocked at my sudden confession, but he put his arm around my shoulder, offering a shoulder to cry on, so to speak.
"I thought we would grow old together in that tower," I said more slowly this time. "Why did he mess it all up? Why couldn't he be content with the life we had?"
I was blaming Jowan, out of need for someone to blame, I knew that. He had been such a gentle child. The first day I arrived at the Circle he took me under his wing. He told me stories when I was scared or sad. He played silly games with me. He got into trouble with me. I usually got us out again, and then he'd swear never to do anything with me again - say I was too irresponsible - but he'd be right there with me in Irving's office the very next time. When did we drift apart?
Jowan never was very talented, not like me. Was he that convinced he'd be made Tranquil? Or did simple jealousy awaken the darkness in him? Is that why he was tempted to try the forbidden? Just to see if there was something he could do well? Did he even really love Lily, or was it just an excuse to get me to help him escape?
"Maybe you should ask him." Alistair suggested tentatively, as if reading my thoughts. I stared at him incredulously - the ex-Templar had yelled at Jowan, proclaiming to all the world how he felt about Blood Mages. And now he wanted me to ask Jowan what his motivations were? My face must've said as much, because he added hastily: "Look, I hate seeing you like this. You can't just ignore him like you did this morning. Tomorrow we leave for Kinloch Hold. Who knows what could happen to him while we're away. You might never have the chance to find out why he did what he did. You can't just run from the past, Illya."
I'd never had such a serious conversation with Alistair before. He was surprisingly… wise.
"Traveling with you, being a Warden and fighting for my life every day - its taught me how short life is, You have to take your chances while you can."
"Thank you, Alistair." I said softly.
I rested my head on his shoulder, only for the briefest moment, before lifting my chin resolutely. I kissed him on the cheek and stood up, stretching my stiff joints.
"I'm going for a walk." I winked at him as he dazedly touched the spot where my lips had touched his skin.
-o0o0o-
The sickening smell of bodies and human excrement flooded over me as I descended into the darkness of the dungeon beneath Redcliffe Castle. The air was thick and close, and what little lightness I felt after my exchange with Alistair was consumed by it.
Come on, Illya. You can do this. You've stared down an ogre, why should this be any scarier? But it was. I would face darkspawn gladly, for I knew that enemy well, but I knew not this enemy. I knew not what I would find in this darkness. I was terrified.
A single torch was burning across the hallway from Jowan's cell. In the dim light I could see that he was sitting with his back to me, his head buried in his arms, knees pulled up under his chin. He did not stir as I approached.
Taking a deep breath I I gripped the bars of the door for support, the torch behind me flickering an eerie shadow over him. He was covered in dirt, his clothes rumpled. I did not know what to say.
"Are you here to kill me?" he asked, without looking up.
"No, Jowan." His head jerked up, disbelieving eyes wide.
"Illya…" The name escaped in a sigh of relief. "You came back. I thought… when you were so cold before… "
We stared at each other in the flickering light. The silence between us stretched out, and the knot in my stomach only grew more oppressing. Eventually, he stood up.
"Illya, I thought you were dead, or worse… I thought they'd sent you to Aeonar for helping me. And now you're here - a Grey Warden. I suppose that man had recruited you then, saved you from Greagoir's wrath. I'm so sorry… " he took a step towards me, hands reaching for mine. His fingertips brushed over my white knuckles. I released my death-grip on the bars of his cell and took a step back, drawing a shuddering breath.
"A bit late to be sorry now, isn't it?" I said bitterly. "You didn't consider my fate when you asked me to help you escape, did you? Didn't consider what might become of those you left behind, did you? Jowan… why?"
His eyelids fluttered as tears welled up on his black lashes. For a moment he seemed even more lost than I was. It angered me, rage bubbling up to replace the heartache. How dare he? I was sick of his weakness. He had ruined both our lives, and I wanted him to stand up and own up.
"What is wrong with you?" I yelled then. "Why did you do it? Was our life really so bad? Huh? Tell me, Jowan. You were always better at telling epic stories than anything else. So tell me our epic tale of tragedy and heartbreak and loss… " my yelling broke of into sobs, as tears ran wildly down my face, "why..? Did you even love that silly girl? How could you? You hated the Chantry… always said so… was I not good enough… didn't you…"
I gulped up the foul air, my knees suddenly shaking. Jowan straightened his back and gripped the bars separating us.
"I loved you, you stupid girl. " Came Jowan's sardonic reply, "Yet you flirted with every man in that tower. When I saw you kissing that Templar… I thought my chances were gone. You were so much better than me, you must've known you deserved better. I started resenting you for that. You were perfect, a bird in the sunlight, and I was a fish in murky water. Every day I looked up at you from the darkness. Darkness became my friend then. And Lily… She liked me, laughed at me, listened to my stories, like you used to. How was I not to fall in love with her? What did you expect?"
The venom in his words were laced with despair and regret. I was shocked to the core… I had never known… never thought he might give up on me. I had flirted with other guys, especially Cullen… So sure that I had the rest of my life to be with Jowan, to make up if I screwed up. My blind confidence and selfishness had driven him away. And then suddenly there was no time left to find out that I had messed up, no time to fix it again. It was my fault. The churning of emotions was unbearable. Rage turned to disbelief turned to sorrow.
I crumpled to the floor as the last of my strength deserted me. How was I to fix this? Because of my thoughtlessness, because Jowan had given in to the darkness… here we were. Him in a cell, a malificarum caught. And I a Grey Warden, sworn to stop the Blight, cheating death every day. How had we fallen so far?
"As for the blood magic… I was desperate to be good at something, anything. I was tired of feeling like a complete failure all the time. And I was good at blood magic, I really was. So I couldn't stop, even though it tore me apart…" Jowan knelt, reaching an arm through the bars, grasping my limp hand. "Illya, I am truly sorry. Everything turned out wrong. I never meant for it to end like this. Please say something…"
Slowly looking up, I laced my fingers through his. Tears stained both our faces. I stared into his impossibly dark eyes. A ghost of a smile flitted across my face.
"This isn't the end."
"But I…"
"I don't care about the blood magic. Never was one for rules, you know."
"Illya, the Chantry isn't really overly forgiving. Even if you break me out of here, I'll just be caught and sent to Aeonar eventually."
"This isn't the end. I am going to save you."
-o0o0o-
We were pulling on the last pieces of armor, strapping on weapons and sorting rations for the journey to my former home. I sauntered over to Alistair, handing him a packet of dried meats to put in his pack. I casually picked at my nails.
"Say, anyone can be conscripted into the Grey Wardens, right?"
"Yup. You remember Daveth, don't you? He was about to be hanged when Duncan recruited him. Made my neck-hairs itch, he did."
"And Warden's are to use any means necessary to stop the Blight, right?
"Yes, of course. Look, you should know all this already, why ask?" he asked suspiciously, cramming the last health poultice into his bag and turning to face me.
"Just making sure, " I grinned at him brightly. He must've seen through my act, otherwise the thought had occurred to him too, because he suddenly scowled darkly.
"You can't seriously be considering this! As if we aren't already dragging a mass-murderer and an assassin around… a blood mage? Really? They are evil, Illya. Besides, he'll never survive the Joining!"
"Oh, he will. Alistair, I know him. He is a good person."