Author's Note: Random fic I just came up with. I thought it was about time to write something more for SG-1, and what better than a lovely Daniel/Vala humor story:D Rated for coarse language in one section.
--
"Vala, this is not funny!" Daniel hollered, striding up to the woman's door and yanking it open. "You can't just –"
The room was empty.
"Vala?" He took a hesitant step forward, frowning. I could have sworn I saw her go in here…
There was no answer. He pulled back the covers of her bed and even checked under it, but there was no sign of the woman anywhere.
Groaning in frustration, Daniel stalked out of the room, muttering under his breath, "I am so going to get you back for this."
"Daniel?"
The archaeologist turned around, flushing ever so slightly as he caught sight of Sam. His friend was eying him with a curious look on her face.
"What are you doing?" she asked, glancing at Vala's door.
"I was looking for Vala," said Daniel grumpily. "I thought I saw her go in her room, but she's not there." He narrowed his eyes. "I don't suppose you've seen her anywhere?"
"I don't pay attention, Daniel."
"No. Of course not," Daniel muttered. He waved a hand at Sam and departed quickly, trying to ignore the feeling of her eyes on his back.
Behind him, Sam was hiding a grin beneath her hand. She bit back a laugh before turning to go back to her lab.
The next place Daniel tried was the commissary. Vala liked her food and especially her jello, and it was almost lunchtime, so if she was anywhere else, this was the most likely place.
Teal'c was sitting at SG-1's usual table, chowing down comfortably and basically ignoring everything around him. Daniel approached him.
"Hey, Teal'c."
"Daniel Jackson," Teal'c responded, bowing his head.
Daniel slid into a seat across from Teal'c. The Jaffa eyed him curiously, probably wondering why he wasn't eating. Clearing his throat, the man tried to ignore the odd look. "Have you seen Vala?"
"I have not," said Teal'c.
"D'you have any idea where she might be?" Daniel wanted to know. "I know she's not exactly your top priority, but if she mentioned something to you…"
Teal'c tilted his head, looking apologetic, or as close to apologetic as Teal'c ever got. "She did not," he said.
"Okay. Well, thanks anyway." Daniel stood up quickly, his face hot with embarrassment. He hoped his friends were intelligent enough to realize that he was looking for Vala to berate her about playing with his artifacts, and not because he liked her.
Which he didn't.
Teal'c watched Daniel leave the commissary, his eyes unreadable. Then, slowly, he smiled, before turning back to his food.
In the hallway, Daniel ran into Cameron. He stopped the colonel with a raised hand.
"Jackson," said Cameron, looking a little bewildered. "What's up?"
"Have you seen Vala?"
Cameron blinked. "Vala? Last I saw she was with you."
"Oh. Okay." Daniel hurried past before the other man could give him an odd look, but he wasn't fast enough.
"Hey, Jackson!"
Daniel stopped and turned around again with a sigh. "Yeah?"
"Why're you looking for Vala?" Cameron wanted to know. "I thought you were mad at her from that last mission."
"Oh, I got over that, but now I'm mad at her for playing with my stuff," Daniel explained.
"Ah." Cameron grinned and gave a little wave. "If I see her, I'll let you know."
Daniel nodded to him and hurried away, towards his own quarters. He hadn't thought to look there, but it wouldn't be the first time she'd snuck into his bed without his noticing.
Cameron watched him go, the grin on his face broadening. "He is so clueless," he murmured to himself. After a moment, he shrugged and went to get some lunch.
--
The previous day
Vala was wolfing down her blue jello with glee when Sam plopped down in the seat across from her in the commissary.
"Hey there," said Vala brightly, in between bites.
Sam raised an eyebrow at her companion. "Hi," she said, a little awkwardly.
Vala finished her jello and put down the cup on her tray, grinning at the other woman. "How's it going?"
"It's going great," said Sam, faking a friendly smile. While she did enjoy Vala's company at times, the woman could get very trying very quickly.
"Good." Vala picked up her jello cup again and turned it over in her hands, pouting at its emptiness. She looked at Sam's tray, which also held a cup of blue jello. "Are you going to be eating that?" she asked, gesturing to it with an innocent smile.
Sam grimaced and pulled her jello closer to herself. "Yes," she replied. "And no, I'm not going to trade," she added, when Vala opened her mouth.
Vala pouted again. "Fine then."
"What's with the pout?" Cameron wanted to know. He set his tray down next to Sam's and sat, eying Vala warily.
"She wants my jello," Sam explained.
"Ah." Cameron nodded sagely. "No, you can't have mine," he said quickly, as he saw the woman eying his own cup.
Vala slumped in her seat, looking dejected.
"Oh, stop it," Sam muttered. "We all know you're faking it."
"It's just jello," Cameron added.
"It helps me think better," Vala said, conversationally.
Her two companions exchanged a glance. "You've already had one jello," said Cameron. "Aren't you thinking better now?"
Vala thought about this for a moment. A mischievous look crossed her face. "Yes, actually. I have a really good idea," she said, bouncing in her seat.
Cameron and Sam exchanged another glance, neither sure what they had just gotten themselves into. "Do tell," said Cameron finally.
--
Now
Daniel was beginning to worry in spite of himself. Vala wasn't in his quarters or in any of the other various places he'd checked.
After a while, he checked his watch and saw that it was nearly one o'clock. It was about time he had some lunch, he thought ruefully, his stomach rumbling. Maybe Vala had found her way to the commissary by now?
Vala wasn't there, but Sam was. Probably she'd been working on some project, Daniel thought, as he came to sit at the table with her.
"Hey, Daniel," she greeted, putting down her sandwich. "Did you find her?"
"No, she seems to have gone missing," Daniel replied. He took a bite of his own sandwich and made a face. Someone needed to check the expiration dates of the lunchmeat.
Sam raised a brow. "Missing?"
"Well, relatively speaking," Daniel clarified. "I've been looking for the better part of an hour and she still hasn't turned up. Of course, she could be in any number of hiding places."
"She has hiding places?"
Daniel shrugged. "It's always possible. I've had this problem before." Although, granted, he hadn't looked for her really seriously any of the other times this had happened.
"Uh-huh." Sam looked unconvinced. "You don't seem too concerned about it."
"Oh, I'm not," Daniel assured her. "She'll turn up." He turned back to his food.
Sam watched him for a moment, trying not to grin. She'd be able to point and laugh at him later.
I hope she's okay… and didn't get left alone for too long. She could make trouble.
"Whatcha doing?" Cameron asked.
Daniel jumped. He hadn't noticed the colonel standing over his chair. "Um, eating?"
"I was just finishing up," said Sam quickly, seeing her chance to escape. She took one last bite of her jello before rising and going to clear her tray.
Cameron watched her go, rolling his eyes. Daniel looked up at him, confused.
"Did you want something?"
"I was wondering why you two hadn't been at lunch. Teal'c said you turned up but didn't eat anything."
"I was looking for Vala," Daniel explained.
"And you gave up?" Cameron plopped into the chair next to his.
Daniel shook his head. "No, just got hungry. You eat already?"
"Yeah," said Cameron, offhand. He stole a chip from Daniel's plate and munched on it thoughtfully.
Daniel glared at him. "That was mine."
Cameron grinned. "Yeah, I know. So you haven't found her yet? Where'd you look?"
"Her room, my room, here, most of the labs, my office, Landry's office, control room, 'Gate room…" Daniel ticked them off on his fingers.
"Whoa, okay." Cameron held up his hands, smirking. "That's a bit much, don't you think? Just to yell at her for playing with your rocks?"
"Artifacts," said Daniel automatically.
Cameron's hand snaked back over to his plate, but the archaeologist slapped it away. "Whatever. Where else are you gonna look?"
Daniel shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe I'll go over everything again, see if she hasn't turned up since I looked before."
Cameron stood up. "Well, I'll leave you to it." He made as if to walk away, but at the last second he doubled back and stole two more chips from over Daniel's shoulder.
"Those were mine," Daniel called after him, sounding cross.
"I know," Cameron called back over his shoulder.
--
The previous day
Sam and Cameron sat there looking at each other, digesting the elaborate plan Vala had just unveiled to them.
"Did you think that all up just now?" Cameron asked finally.
"Yep." Vala looked proud of herself. "What d'you think?"
"I think it's completely insane. Let's do it." Cameron grinned.
Sam shook her head. "You're right, it is insane. Is there any purpose to this plan of yours?" she asked Vala.
Vala shrugged. "Not really. I just want to prove that Daniel likes me." She bounced in her seat.
"I don't think he does," said Sam, hiding a smile. She did think Daniel liked Vala, but she was curious what Vala's reaction to her words would be.
Pouting, Vala fell back in her seat. "Yes, he does. He likes me. He wants to fuck me," she added happily.
"I think there are a lot of guys out there who'd love to fuck you," Cameron began.
"Oh, really? You too?" Sam raised a brow.
"I'll fuck you," said Vala instantly.
Cameron made a face at the two of them. "Guys who'd love to fuck you if you hadn't already screwed them over a couple of times," he finished. "And no, I don't want to fuck you."
"So help me with Daniel," Vala responded, sounding only a little put out. "Come on, you know you want to."
"I already said I want to," Cameron pointed out. "Sam?"
Sam sighed and shrugged her shoulders. "I guess it can't hurt. It will be pretty funny to see his reaction." She smiled at Vala. "And actually, I think he does like you."
"Why did you say he didn't, then?" Vala protested.
"She wanted to see your reaction," Cameron guessed. Sam only grinned.
"Okay." Vala bounced back upright and leaned forward conspiratorially. "Let's plan."
--
Now
Daniel was by now very worried. It had been several hours since he'd started looking for Vala, with only a brief break for lunch, and there was still no sign of her.
Why am I looking for her anyway? he wondered, leaning against a wall as he thought. All I want to do is yell at her for playing with those artifacts. It's not worth a three-hour search.
"Jackson," said Cameron, leaning against the wall next to him and peering sideways into his face. "Whatcha doing?"
"Searching," said Daniel with a sigh.
Cameron raised an eyebrow. "Still?"
"Yeah, I'm starting to get a little worried. You sure you haven't seen her?" Daniel watched his friend anxiously.
Cameron gave a noncommittal grunt. "I haven't seen her."
Daniel frowned. "That didn't sound very convincing."
"What? I'm serious." Cameron gave Daniel his best innocent look. After a while, the archaeologist looked away.
"Do you think something could've happened?"
"I think we'd have heard about it," said Cameron dryly. "If she snuck offworld, it'd be unscheduled 'Gate activity. There are guards around the facility…"
"So she can't leave. Yeah…" Daniel shook his head, chewing his lip. "I still can't get over the feeling that something might've happened. Maybe she got beamed out or something."
Cameron snorted. "Who would beam her out?"
"I dunno, but it's always a possibility. And it's one I'm starting to seriously consider." Daniel let out a long sigh and pushed himself away from the wall again. "I'm gonna go search some more."
As the man walked away, Cameron turned his head to see Sam approaching. She leaned against the wall where Daniel had been.
"He looks worried," she remarked.
"Yeah, I guess Vala did have a point," Cameron replied. "I can't wait to see his face when he finds out it's a joke."
Sam raised her hands. "I have nothing to do with this."
"Oh, come on. You were there, you heard the plan."
"I didn't help implement it." Sam smiled impishly. "That was all you and Teal'c."
"And Vala," Cameron said grouchily. "You were still in on it. And I'll make sure he knows it."
Sam made a face at him and moved away.
--
Several hours earlier
"Colonel Mitchell, I still do not understand why we are doing this."
Cameron sighed and rubbed his head. "Vala wanted to prove a point, that's why."
"What point is it she wanted to prove?" Teal'c asked.
"Daniel won't admit to liking her. She wants to get him all worried so he can't avoid the fact that he does," Cameron explained.
Teal'c nodded, though he still looked confused.
A moment later, Cameron was saved any further awkward questions by Vala, who bounced into the room, grinning from ear to ear. "Hello, boys," she said brightly. "Are we ready?"
"Yes," said Cameron before Teal'c could speak, "we're ready." He looked at Teal'c. "You know what you're supposed to do?"
Teal'c bowed his head. "I shall distract Daniel Jackson." He walked out of the room.
Cameron turned to Vala. "Well, then. You ready to get beamed up?"
Vala nodded, still bouncing. "Absolutely."
"All right." Cameron gave a slight sigh before picking up the Asgard communicator lent to him by the Daedalus, which was currently in orbit around Earth. He wasn't sure where Hermiod had come up with it, nor exactly why the Asgard seemed so willing to help them, but…
"Why did Hermiod agree to this?" he asked Vala, instead of using the communicator.
Vala grinned. "He likes me." When Cameron raised a brow, she clarified, "Oh, not that way, not the way Daniel does. But he likes how friendly I am and how I treat him like he's not any different from I am. Well, that what he says," she added, when Cameron looked unconvinced.
Cameron shook his head and held up the communicator again. "She's ready. Beam her up."
A second later, the transport beam from the Daedalus glowed around Vala for a moment and then disappeared, taking her with it.
"I hope you know what you're doing," Cameron muttered, before dropping the communicator into his pocket.
--
Now
"Yo, Jackson, why the fuss?" Cameron wanted to know. Daniel was pacing in the middle of the corridor, looking frustrated, confused, and anxious.
"She's not anywhere," Daniel complained, not ceasing his pacing. "I've looked everywhere at least three or four times. She's completely gone. I think we need to send a search team, oh and see if there are any hostile ships hiding in the solar system…"
"Jackson," said Cameron. When Daniel didn't stop, "Jackson!"
"What?" Daniel paused to look at him impatiently.
"She's right there." Cameron pointed over Daniel's shoulder.
Daniel turned around. "I don't see –"
Just then, the transport beam sent Vala to the area to which Cameron pointed. He'd been holding onto the communicator in his pocket, so that Hermiod would be able to tell where to send the woman.
Vala grinned at the shocked Daniel. "Miss me?"
Daniel groaned and covered his eyes. "Oh, please tell me this wasn't a joke," he said dismally.
"It wasn't just me," said Vala innocently.
"I was following her," Cameron said instantly. "And Sam and Teal'c were in on it too."
Daniel rubbed his face. "I suppose that whole question-and-answer session was a distraction."
Cameron blinked. "Question-and-answer session?"
"Teal'c came and starting asking me a bunch of totally random questions about Earth that he said he'd never gotten answered, like –"
"Yes," Cameron interrupted. "That was a distraction." He pulled the Asgard communicator out of his pocket and tossed it to Daniel. "Here, you can talk to Hermiod. I'm gonna eat some dinner." He strolled away.
Daniel stared at the communicator, confused. "Hermiod? What's Hermiod got to do with any of this?"
"He was in on it too," Vala explained. "He agreed to beam me up to the Daedalus for a little while."
"He agreed to this?"
"Yes, he likes me." Vala bounced on the balls of her feet. "So do you. You were worried about me!"
"No," said Daniel instantly. "I wasn't worried, just… just…"
"Worried," Vala supplied.
"No!"
"You know you were."
Sam was about to walk down that particular corridor, but when she saw Vala and Daniel arguing in the hallway, she quickly passed it by, again hiding a grin. She couldn't wait for him to try to defend himself at dinner in front of all of them.