Unlike its usual acidic-red, the Earthly sky was strangely blue, that day. The sun was also being oddly forgiving. It wasn't frying the planet like so many greasy french fries in a vat of bubbling oil. The earthmonkeys were snickering and cackling like the pea-brained beasts they are. And, being easily-amused, they were flying diamond-shaped pieces of paper with strings around in the air. A breeze carrying the stale, smelly odor over from the nearby city wafted through the park.
It was a day that you humans might call 'beautiful'. However, it only made me, ZIM, want to enslave the human race even more!
But, even for such a 'beautiful' day, an odd amount of humans had swarmed into the park. Perhaps they were conspiring against me! Perhaps they were growing suspicious of the almighty ZIM!! I took GIR and donned my bearded-human disguise. Then, we went down to the park to investigate.
The human-smellies, however, were none-the-wiser to Zim. In fact, they'd gathered for a completely different reason!
I read the banner hanging between two sickly trees, once Gir and I had arrived.
'Father-Son Cook-out'.
I tossed my head back and LAUGHED!! Haha! HahahahahaHA! The pitiful humans had gathered only to celebrate the pathetically weak bond between a worm-baby and his beastly creator. Not to conspire against ZIM!!
"Come, GIR," I informed my SIR unit disguised as a dog, "let's return to the base. I think I know of a way to use this worthless holiday against--" I broke off when I turned to GIR. He was nowhere to be found. How frustrating that little robot can be! However, fortunately for Zim, he had not gone far. He had wandered past the banner to a hotdog stand smeared with grease and other sandwich condiments.
"GIR!!" I shouted, storming over to him.
He was reaching for a cylinder of ground-up pig innards between a hard, crusted-over bun. It dripped with brown-and-maroon chunks of sauce--probably some unidentifiable secretion from a hog. And he took a large bite out of it, sending juices spraying.
"Gah!!" With my innate Irken reflexes, I dodged the meat slime. Then, I began disciplining GIR. "GIR!! Don't eat that filthy...filth!" Like usual, GIR ignored me, making lippy-smacky noises as he ingested the sloppy hotdog. The sight alone was enough to make lurchy feelings deep in my squeedly spooch. "GIR!!" I shouted again.
GIR's posture became straighter and he brought a hand up to his head in salute. "Yes, master?"
Satisfied that he was listening, I spoke. "GIR, we need to return to the base. I have an insideous plot formulating in my 'amazing' mind..."
GIR's posture slackened and his hand dropped.
"But, master, the kite battles were just about to start," He whined.
"Kites?" My eyes went to the floating papers in the sky. "Humans battle 'those' things?" Images of the humans soaring through the air and attacking the little pieces of paper began playing in my mind. It all seemed very moronic, to me.
"Nooooooo!" Gir howled. "They make 'em hit eachother! And the last kite standin' is the winner!"
"Hmm...winner, you say?" I asked.
GIR bobbed his head. "Yuh-huh. And da winner gets a big ol' 'PRISE!!"
"A 'surprise'?!" Immediately, I knew that I, ZIM, could be the obtainer of the surprise! "What is it, GIR? Tell meeee..."
GIR shot me a look. "I can't tell you, mas'ah! It's a 'PRISE!!" He wailed. I gave a growl. I don't like surprises, but I was certain I was capable of acquiring such a thing.
"GIR, we shall enter the kite battle and win that prize!" I declared, GIR giving a squeal of excitement.
I walked over to a stand that said 'SIGN-UP' with a smelly, sweaty human sitting behind it.
"Sign-up beast!" I announced, "Sign Zim up for the kite contest. Do it! Nowww..."
The stinky human shook his head. "No can do, little man. You'ns gotta have a kite before you'ns can sign-up," He snorted what I assumed to be mucus down his throat.
"We got a kite! We got a kite real good!" GIR said, extending a red kite into the air.
"GIR, where did you find that?" I asked him.
"In the sky!!"
I turned my attention to the sign-up beast. "There is our kite, human. Now, sign-us-up!" I ordered. He snorted and nodded, scrawling our names down on a sheet of paper. Then, he gave me a sticky note with a number on it. "Wait with the other contestants over der..." He pointed to a crowd of stink-humans on top of a hill. It wasn't long before we had reached them.
That's when I saw him...The human that made my squeedly spooch turn worse than when I watch GIR eat chili dogs; the Dib. His floaty-computer-head father hovered beside him.
"Zim! Entering the kite contest, I see!" He said.
I smirked at the human. "You see right, Dib-stink! I'm going to win the surprise and be CHAMPION-OF-ALL-THAT-IS-FLYING-AND-PAPERING!!" How 'stupid' he was for trying to compete against me! Dib-human, foolishly, looked undaunted.
"This is 'my' entry, Zim," Dib held-up a kite that was 'supposed' to look like an alien aircraft. "Where's your's?"
"Gaze upon it and tremble, Dib," I stepped-aside to allow the lowly human's eyes to behold the glory that was my kite. Dib burst into his annoying pig-laughter.
"'That'? What's it made-out of? Tissue paper? Honestly, Zim. That's pathetic," He said with a cocky little grin. "'I'm' going to be the champion, today!"
I merely scoffed. 'Dib' the champion? The very idea!
"Think again, Dib! For I, ZIM, will be the champion!" I grabbed the odd wooden thing with the string wrapped-around it from GIR and brandished it into the air.
"Whoa-whoa-whoa! You're not going to fly the kite yourself, are you?" A tall, pencil-y human asked me. I turned to face him.
"Mind your own business, pencil-human! And, yes, yes I am," I replied.
"You can't do that. Your son," the human shot GIR an odd look, "is the one who's supposed to do that,"
"WHAT?!" I demanded as GIR squealed with delight. Was GIR capable of piloting such a foreign, Earthly tool while taking down so many others, all at the same time?
"Sorry. It's the rules. ALRIGHT, everyone! Ready your kites!" Pencil-human cried. Quickly, I turned to face GIR, handing him the wooden doodad.
"GIR, listen to me, and listen to me carefully! You must pilot the flying paper and destroy everyone else's! We 'must' obtain that surprise! Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, sir," GIR answered, gazing up at me.
"ON YOUR MARK!" Pencil-human bellowed.
"Get ready to taste defeat, Zim!" I heard Dib say.
"...Get set...!"
"Prepare to gorge yourself on your own defeat, Dib-monkey!" I said.
"GO!!"
A myriad of kites flew into the air, including mine and GIR's. A quick look to Dib's kite told me his was air-born, too.
"GIR. Destroy them all," I coached. GIR tugged at the string with a black paw, sending it smashing into a nearby kite. It wobbled, and I feared that our kite may go down, as well. However, GIR maintained control, and the opposing kite went down alone. I looked on in amazement as GIR continued bringing down kites. One-by-one, my robot dispatched them, and they all thudded to the ground.
Soon, all that remained was the Dib's ridiculous kite.
"Take him down!" I ordered.
GIR performed a sidestep, jerking our kite with him. It careened over to Dib's, but the human dodged our attack.
"Good work, Son," I heard Dib's father give an offhand comment. I snarled.
"Attack, GIR, attack!" No matter how many attempts we made at attacking, Dib-stink dodged them all. Then, 'finally', he went on the offensive. He jerked his kite toward our's, aiming to destroy our kite.
"You're going down, Zim!" He declared.
I smirked. I had a little trick up my sleeve. "GIR, activate the missiles!" I declared.
"Missiles?!" I heard the Dib-smelly shout. Soon, little mini-missiles emerged from our kite, going straight toward Dib's. They made an explosive impact, as my 'ingenious' mind had calculated. Dib shouted. His kite burst into flames. Then, it drifted to the ground as pitiful, useless ashes.
"We have a WINNER!!" Pencil-human proclaimed.
"Missiles?! There's gotta be some rule against that!" The Dib exclaimed. I only snickered at his obviously idiotic words.
"So sorry you lost, Dib! Oh, wait a second--I'm 'not' sorry! Hahahahahahaha!!" My musical laughter filled the air, and all the humans went quiet in rapture of its sound. "Shouldn't you be gathering-up your ashes, Diblet? It's not nice to litter, you know," Grumbling, Dib slunk-off down the hill after his fallen ship. I could hear his father reprimanding him, as he went. Something about 'that ship, with its impractical paranormal likenesses, hadn't been well-suited to the battle' and 'my poor, insane son'.
GIR's voice came to me from below, "Did I do a good job, mas'ah?" I turned to him with a grin, resting my hand on his head.
"Very nicely-done, GIR," I stated. GIR clapped his hands, succeeding only in entangling them in the kite string. I turned away from him to face the crowd of human-stinkies. "NOW, pitiful humans, I HAVE WON THE KITE FEUD!! Award ZIM with the surprise!" I demanded, whipping around to pencil-human.
Pencil-human nodded. "Congratulations, contestant number fourteen and son! Your award is..." I could feel my extended hands trembling in suspense. I involuntarily let out a sound of anticipation as I awaited my prize.
"...Your award is two free chili dogs compliments of Rabe-E's Hotdog Stand! Congratulations!" Pencil-human said. Then, he plopped two revolting chili dogs into my outstretched hands.
"Eh?" I inquired. I heard GIR squeal, and one of the chili dogs left my hands. Soon, I could hear the lippy-smacky noises returning.
"CURSE YOU, pencil-human! CURSE YOOOOU!!" I howled. Pencil-human took a step back. Then, I turned to watch the Dib scooping up the ashes of his kite. Smirking in satisfaction, I went back to watching GIR eat his rightfully-deserved chili dog.
You know, perhaps that little robot isn't such a bad evil minion, after all.