This is just my little take on a conversation that may have taken place and a month after the baby has been delivered. A discussion over Patrick's choices I thought was relevant and his beliefs and wishes were important.
So hopefully you enjoy.
I don't want to get married. My life is bound to you in the most profound way already. And I want you to know, I choose you. I choose you.
I choose you too.
Together they lay in bed. Their eyes trained on each other. They were in a moment of pure bliss.
Everyone had gone home and the paper lanterns and streamers situated themselves in their perfect moment of pure love and bliss. Their portrayal of what would have happened in their fake fantasy and she had to admit, she quite liked that version of the fantasy.
Her belly was pressed up against his and the baby was in overdrive kicking in rhythm to her beating heart and because her love was in the room. The person she chooses over everyone else.
The sound of his voice or his presence would make the baby respond and after today's scare she was more than okay with the baby stretching and kicking, keeping her awake but it was all for a good cause. She would only be pregnant for a little while more and she would have to soak in the fact of this being her first pregnancy but hopefully not her last. She'd have to be the judge of that after the baby came.
"I think we should get things in order. You never know what could happen." He says.
"But is being prepared tempting fate?"
"Isn't it better to tempt fate than to be left in the dark?" He asks. "I mean just in case something happened and one of us would have to make a medical decision about ourselves or in worst case the baby."
"So get our own priorities straight?" She asks.
"Yes and you know how strongly I feel about organ donation."
"I do."
"I also think we should organise our wills especially with the baby. I want our decisions to be set in stone and not our families left without a clue." He says. "I think Billie and Mick should be the guardians in case something happens and second choice maybe Kate or you're Mum."
"Well we need to approach them first. I know they'd drop everything for the baby but I don't want the baby to burden their lives and careers or relationship."
"I do want to be cremated though."
"Patrick do we have to talk about this just now?"
"Yes because we will never talk about it again." He tells her. "I don't want you to be left with any burden if something happens. I want you to know deep down to the bare detail of what I want done with my affairs, estate and how my funeral choices. I want you to know because partners are supposed to talk about this stuff and with the baby I want you to know because I don't want you and the baby to suffer if I suddenly pass away."
"I think we're still tempting fate." She says. "It's such a taboo subject."
"But we will benefit from it." He says. "I want you to be prepared."
She doesn't say anything and leans in and kisses him. "Let's talk about something else now. No more tempting fate because I want to think about the positives and the beauty of what is going to happen."
"Nursery ideas?"
"No big theme. Just a plain and simple gender neutral nursery. The baby isn't going to care what coloured walls it had or what bedding. It just needs to be comfortable and welcoming."
"What colour yellow or green?"
"I don't know."
"Okay baby names?" He asks. "Will it have your last name or mine?"
"Yours definitely."
"Traditional or modern?"
"Modern like Saxon or Logan."
"Zack?"
"No that's Billie's name, so is Ava." She says. "Olivia, Ellie or Brianna."
He doesn't speak and she watches as he contemplates and thinks.
"What do you think it will be?"
"I really can't pick it. The suspense is killing me but we're going to be surprised which is a magnificent feeling because then we can fight over baby names and middle names and all those other things." She says leaning in and kissing him. "I'm excited to have this baby with you." She tells him.
"Me too. All those fears are gone and I can now picture our life together."
"You can?"
"Yes." He says. "I can picture us in a few months' time just after the baby has arrived. It will be just as the sun is rising. The baby will be asleep soundly beside us and we'll be overjoyed with the baby. Your family will drop by constantly because that's what your family is like. The baby will perfect and you are going to fall so madly in love." He says. "A perfect addition to the start of our own little family and we'll be so in awe with the baby. You'll occasionally deliver babies but mostly focus on our own child. We'll move into a bigger, more child friendly house with a backyard and we will watch this child grow from a tiny baby to being this wonderful child who is exploring what life holds for it and testing its limits and learning right from wrong. We will be so happy."
"Would you want more children?"
"Should we wait until we have this one?" He asks with a smile and places his hands on her belly.
"I suppose but all I can think about is us with the house and not just one child but maybe two or three. At least another one so the first isn't lonely and we don't spoil it."
He smiles at her and kisses her lips. "You amaze me." He says.
She smiles against his lips after his comment. "I love you."
She jumps with a jolt and sees Billie sitting on the end of her bed.
"Hey are you alright?" She asks moving to her sisters' side quickly.
Nina places her hands on her stomach and instead of feeling the bump she felt the post baby belly and everything became reality again. Patrick was gone but they're little girl was here
"Yeah I'm fine." She says. "I just had a dream about Patrick." She says as her eyes scan the room for any sign of her daughter. "It was a conversation we had before the baby was born after he raised the subject of marriage and we agreed on the situation we already had. We chose each other."
Billie smiles at her and squeezes her hand. "I have a cup of tea and there is breakfast. Will you be fine today?"
"Yes."
"You sure, you don't want a repeat of yesterday?"
"Billie."
"Okay. Just call me if you need anything. Or Mum or anyone else."
"I know. You can go now Billie."
Billie leans down and kisses Nina's forehead and leaves her to check on the baby before leaving the house.
Nina checks her phone leans back against the pillows. She still felt completely numb but it was easing as the days went on by. It had been 5 weeks since Patrick's tragic death and their daughter had softened the blow but made it harder due to the fact that she would never meet her father or ever had him hold her and tell her how much he loves her. Her fantasies had helped her get by and she was grateful for what Patrick called her 'active imagination' because at the hardest of times he would appear and for just one moment everything felt right.
She heard the whimpers of the baby and climbed out of bed to go and get her daughter and hold her.
She entered her daughter's room and heard that her daughter's whimpers had been soothed by Patrick who cradled their daughter and rocked her side to side soothing her tears.
She opened her closed eyes and saw her daughter staring at the photo of her father in the crib fussing over wanting to be let out and held by her mother.
"Morning Em." She says placing a hand on her stomach and making her aware that her mother was here. "You're missing daddy as well? Me too." She says to her daughter who stares at her mother with a smile on her mouth forming. The past few days she would wake with a smile on her face which really helped Nina in moving on. "Come on Em."
She picked her up from her crib and carried her downstairs to the kitchen where breakfast was left and a note from her sister.
She picked up the note and read aloud.
'Nina, it's been a month since Emerson Reid was born and I would like to say that I didn't need to cover for you one bit. The moment she was placed in your arms you loved her without a doubt and I could see that in your eyes. This child will bring good things for you and the two of you will be fine. All that fear and doubt of not loving her was gone the moment she was placed in your arms. You should be proud of what you are doing and love her with all you have but don't worry Emmy loves you already so much. You are her world. The whole family is so proud of you. Keep your head up high Neens. You're doing okay."
Nina felt a tear run down her cheek and she smiled. "I don't know what I would do without my crazy family." She says. "Or you my beautiful girl."
Those negative feelings she had about the baby just after Patrick died made her feel like a terrible mother. She felt like she had let her unborn daughter and Patrick down for even thinking it.
"I'm so sorry for ever thinking and wishing that your father was here instead of you. Now that you're here I completely regret thinking those things. I do love you immensely and over everyone I choose you. My life is bound to you now and forever you'll be my little girl and I will love you endlessly and I promise I will never let you down."
She kissed her daughters head and looked up and saw Patrick standing against the bench smiling.
She smiled back at him and she knew deep down how overjoyed he would be at her. Pushing past everything to do whatever it takes to love their daughter.
"I want you to know, I choose you Emerson." She whispers.