Chapter 1

Shannon rubbed her chin. "But Jared's coming around… two-ish." Shannon said.

"But when will you be able to get groceries?" My mom asked Shannon, my twenty-two-year-old sister. "You need groceries."

"It's noon. Wal-Mart is about half an hour away." Shannon complained.

"Yeah." I said. "Going there and back would take an hour, and that means that Shannon would only have an hour to shop. You know how she is." Shannon had a Wii and I was playing with her. But Mom insisted that she needed groceries.

"But Shannon, you need groceries!" Mom shouted. "How will you live without groceries?"

"I have a friend that lives next door." Shannon said. "She'll be more than happy to give me stuff to eat."

"Then what if your friend doesn't want to feed you, like if she got sick of you?" Mom asked. "Then what would you do?"

"Get food from you." Shannon rolled her eyes. "Where else?"

"Oh, yeah? With… two kids, plus five others… with seven kids, me and Matt, how do you think you can get food from us? Who do think we are, Santa?" Mom asked.

"Mom, you forgot Closet Girl." I said.

"Oh. So with eight kids, plus Matt and I, how are you going to get food?" Mom asked again.

"Not from me." Theodore said. "She's never going to get any food from me."

"We all know that." Alvin said. "She asked you for a fry from McDonalds once and you said, 'Go get your own!' You made her so mad."

"She had her own, though. Why didn't she just eat those?" Theodore asked.

"It's called you ate them all!" Shannon said. "No wonder you weigh a whole fifty pounds."

"He doesn't weigh fifty pounds." I said. "He weighs thirty-three. He was thirty-two last night, and thirty-one the night before, and thirty before that. So, by last week, he weighed exactly twenty-six."

"Seven pounds is a lot to gain for a week." Mom said. "What do you feed that thing?" She asked me.

"Nothing. I don't have to. He feeds himself." I replied.

"What do you eat?" She asked Theodore. "Elephants?

"No. I eat candy, breakfast, lunch, dinner, more candy, then I eat leftovers, then I eat more candy, and then I–" Theodore was interrupted by me.

"Maybe we should throw out all the candy then!" I said. "No wonder you're so fat."

"My youngest one's not fat." Matthew, my little brother, said. "She weighs ten pounds."

"That's because you don't feed her." I said. "She lives in a closet. I'm sure someday she's gonna die."

"It's a wonder she didn't yet." Simon said. "She was in there since September, and it's June already. She only lives on breadcrumbs. I wonder what she drinks."

"Beer?" Alvin asked.

"Alvin, we don't have any beer." I said. "Where would she get it? There aren't any bars around anymore, and Matthew wouldn't let her out of the closet for… uh, the world."

"I let her out once when she had to go to the bathroom, in January." Matthew said. "Before I installed the bathroom."

"The bathroom, made out of newspapers." Mom rolled her eyes. "No wonder it smells in there."

"Are you sure she's not dead yet?" Theodore asked nervously.

"She isn't dead, yet." I assured. "I checked. She was dehydrating though. She was begging for water from me."

"Then why didn't you get her any?" Simon asked. "That was very mean of you, Lindsey!"

"I can't bring water upstairs!" I said. "Not after Alvin wet the bed."

"I was too thirsty!" Alvin said. "Sorry."

"Well, we'd better get going." Mom said. "If Shannon doesn't want any new groceries!"

"Let's get going." I said.

"Carry me?" Theodore looked up at me with his arms outstretched.

"I always carry you." I said. "You should be surprised my back doesn't hurt."

"Is that a no?" He looked disappointed.

"Yeah." I said. "Now that was a yes."

He walked over to Mom. "Carry me?" He asked. "Please?"

"Now how can you say no to him?" She asked and picked him up.

"Easy." I said, and walked over to him, looked into his big green eyes, and said, "No, no, no, no, no!"

Shannon rolled her eyes at me. "Sometimes you're so mean to your little guys." She picked up Simon.

"Shannon's favorite." Alvin whispered angrily. "I'm nobody's favorite!"

"Alvin, be quiet." I said. "You should know better."

Alvin rolled his eyes at me.

"You'd better watch before I punch you so hard on your butt that you'd be crying!" I yelled at him.

He started crying a little, so I gave him a hug. "Is that better?" I asked.

"Mommy hates me!" He cried.

"I don't hate any of mine, except my youngest." Matthew said.

"That doesn't make sense." I said. "You act like you're in love with the cartoon her, but when she's sort of like your kid you act like you hate her."

"I DON'T ACT LIKE I'M IN LOVE WITH HER!" Matthew screamed.

"Then how come whenever I say he name, you keep saying it?" I asked. "No wonder you lock her up. You're afraid you'll marry her!" I laughed loudly.

Alvin, Simon, and Theodore laughed. "Matthew and Closet Girl, sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" They sang.

"SHUT THE HECK UP!" Matthew screeched. "And don't call her Closet Girl. Her name's Eleanor."

"Look, I'm Matthew!" Alvin said. "Someone say her name, like you're reading it and it has nothing to do with Matthew's girlfriend."

I picked up the newspaper. "Eleanor Roosevelt died this morning of heart failure!" I said, laughing.

Alvin whispered, "Eleanor, Eleanor, Eleanor…" He had big dreamy eyes and a big smile plastered on his face. He kept saying her name until Matthew screamed in angry frustration.

"AAAAHHH!" Matthew screamed. "I DO NOT DO THAT! YOU JUST MADE THAT UP!"

"Prove it!" Theodore said. "You can't, can you?"

Matthew's eyes softened. "I guess not… but I still hate her more than anything!"

"Sure you do!" Simon said. "Then you're gonna go home to YouTube and watch all the videos about her. Then when you go to bed you'll hear her crying in your closet, and then you'll say 'Music to my ears!' "

"It's true!" Shannon said. "Wait, how do I know that?"

Matthew was so angry. "I'll squish Lindsey's youngest!" He screamed. "Then you'll see how much I hate my youngest."

"That just shows jealousy." Simon said. "You'll only kill a woman's boyfriend if you're in love with her in your case."

"DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT AGAIN, MATTHEW! If you do that, I'll squish your oldest!" I screamed angrily.

"NO! NOT JEANETTE!" Matthew screamed, running around in circles.

"No, Brittany's oldest." Shannon said.

"No she isn't." Matthew said. "Jeanette's tallest, thus making her older than Brittany."

"That doesn't have anything to do with it." I said. "I'm almost taller than Shannon! Does that make me older?"

"It could if you were Matthew." Shannon said and laughed.

"WAAA! YOU HATE ME!" Matthew shouted.

"Lindsey, do you want to take him now? We have to get going." Mom said.

"Sure, give me my baby." I said, taking Teddy from her tired arms.

"Am I your baby?" Alvin looked up at me with innocent eyes.

"No, you're my big boy." I said. "Unless you want to be my baby."

"YES!" Alvin said. "Babies have to be carried. They also have to be bottle-fed. They even have to ride in car-seats!" He went on and on about things babies needed to do.

"Okay. Just remember, Teddy doesn't have to do all that stuff. He just gets the occasional carry in someone's arms." I said and laughed. Alvin was probably just trying to get attention, I thought.

"Do you promise that when we get home you'll feed me?" Alvin asked.

"Whatever." I said. "But you're not going to ride in a car-seat."

"I have to!" Alvin shouted. "I'll talk baby talk, too! It'll be so much fun!"

I scowled. "Come on, guys. Bye, Shannon!" I shouted.

Everyone said bye, and Shannon didn't have to buy groceries.