I Dream Of Kites And Carousels
By Maddy
Summary: Buffy dreams of the perfect life every night, a life she can never have, it's slowly driving her insane
Rating: PG13, maybe more. It gets a bit dark.
Spoilers: NFA, general Angel season 5 and Buffy season 7. And as nearly always, general B/A history.
Timeline: Seven and a half months after 'Not Fade Away'
Disclaimer: I do not own anything from Buffy/Angelverse. Joss does and if I can deal with that, so can you
Distribution: If you want it, just ask. If you already have any of my other fic, just take it
Dedication: To Rebecca, who got to read it first
Feedback: I'm a feedback junkie, give it to me. Good and/or bad. Criticism welcome.
Author's Notes: This is the first of two parts. Title comes from a quote; I don't remember what quote or who said it, or where I found it. Enjoy!
PART ONE: Wednesday 12th January 2005
Every night she has the same dream. Every night for the past six and a half months. Every night. It was slowly driving her insane, but she was proud to say she wasn't crazy yet. Luckily, she didn't need much sleep, she only got a few hours each night; one of the perks of being a slayer…and those she could count on one hand.
It was just another morning for Buffy Summers, but unlike most people, her mornings started whenever she woke up from the dream. At the beginning she would try to go back to sleep, but after a week she gave up trying all together. Buffy moved out of her home with Dawn within three months. It was getting difficult for Buffy to hide the fact that she wasn't getting much sleep. Sure, she didn't need the sleep, but without at least three layers of makeup; Buffy looked dead.
Dawn visited her sister every week, on a Wednesday. The youngest Summers loved Buffy's villa apartment over looking the bay of Naples, but Dawn also loved the independence that came from living with her best friend Josie. Buffy never went over there; she didn't go to anyone's house anymore. She only left here's when she needed to shop, or when Dawn managed to convince her. Buffy stopped patrolling three months ago, two weeks after moving out.
So, another morning. This one began at 3:18am, it didn't bother her. What bothered her was the fact that it didn't bother her, it did at first of course.
Buffy rolled out of bed and turned on the nearby lamp. It instantly burned her eyes; she blinked several times before her eyes adjusted. After turning on the main light in her bedroom, Buffy turned off the small – but very bright – lamp She should do something about that; get a bulb with lower watts or something. Next time she goes shopping she planned to talk to someone about the brightness of her lamp.
Buffy wouldn't eat for hours, her stomach couldn't handle having food this early, even after all this time. Six and a half months of perfect dreams. Yes, they were perfect. Content and happy, only splintered by the occasional serious moment. Her real life was full of serious moments; sometimes she wished a demon would attack her, just to break to monotony. Buffy hadn't seen a demon since she stopped patrolling. Three months ago.
Instead of having breakfast like normal people would have done, Buffy changed into a tank top and sweatpants and began to train. Some part of her knew there was no point to training if she didn't patrol and fight the forces of darkness anymore. But training hadn't lost its cathartic therapy effect, unlike patrolling. It had simply lost all the fun there was to be had – if there was any in the first place – Buffy no longer got that sense of satisfaction, that she was doing the right thing, by protecting people from things that went bump in the night. She was no longer making a difference. There were three fully capable Slayers in Rome to protect the largely populated city. That's more than the entire world had three years ago.
Buffy lost a lot that morning in May of 2003. Spike, Anya and too many ex-Potential Slayers. She also lost her identity, her reason for being in this hellish Earth. Buffy loved the idea of being an actual person and not the Slayer, but in truth…Buffy didn't know how to be anything but the Slayer.
Then the dreams started.
Today was the day of Dawn's weekly visit. After training in the second bedroom that had been converted into a fully fitted training room, Buffy took a long shower then began tidying up the apartment. It was never overly messy; it was only her living there. But she liked to have it clean for Dawn, her sister was worried about her a lot, Buffy didn't blame her.
Dawn would get there around 9:30am and wouldn't go home until after dinner. Buffy had hours to clean up the little mess that was in her home. She owned a lot of stuff, ever since Sunnydale got sucked into the Hellmouth; Buffy has been very reluctant to get rid of her belongings. Her apartment was fully furnished and a bit on the cluttered side, but she loved it that way.
At 9:28am Dawn Summers knocked on the front door. Buffy quickly answered it; they hugged as Dawn crossed the threshold.
"How are you, Buffy?"
Buffy shrugged, as they pulled apart. "The same."
Dawn's mood darkened considerably, she put her carry bag on one of the hooks by the door. "Are you still having the dream?"
"Yeah. Still. The same one."
"So, what do you want to do today?" Dawn smiled, trying to lighten the mood and change the subject.
"I just want to stay in."
"When was the last time you shopped?"
"Yesterday, the fridge and cupboards-"
"Oh, no. Not for food" Dawn gave a dismissive wave of her hand. "For clothes, for things you don't really want but buy anyway."
"Two visits ago."
"Great. We can-"
"No!" Buffy yelled louder than she intended. Dawn flinched, but quickly recovered.
"Buffy…you need to get over this."
"I want to." Buffy's eyes glistened with unshed tears. "Of course I want it. But I can't. I keep dreaming of something I can never have, not just with-" She couldn't bring herself to say his name. "Not with anyone. You live with that for seven and a half months, then we can compare notes."
"I'm sorry, I didn't-"
"No, it's okay. I don't feel like going out. Can we stay in?"
"Sure." Dawn reached for Buffy's hand and grasped it tightly. "I love you."
"I love you, too."
"What do you want to do?"
"I'm-I'm not sure. I didn't really have anything in mind."
Dawn nodded, taking that in. Buffy had her requisite three layers of make-up on, Dawn could tell she wasn't getting enough sleep. The make-up hid much of the lines and the dark circles beneath her sister's eyes, but no amount of anything could cover up or erase the haunted look in Buffy's eyes.
"I don't think you have any fun stuff here, mostly you just horde things."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "I don't horde. I collect."
"Crap. You collect crap. Now, what do you want to do?"
"Nothing Dawn." She sighed at Dawn's abashed expression. "Something, I guess. But inside, you know."
"Yeah. But there's not much to do."
"How about a vid fest?" Suggested Buffy, knowing Dawn's weakness for movie-thons. Buffy couldn't think of anything better than sitting curled up with a blanket and a bowl of popcorn. Luckily, neither could Dawn.
"Sure, what theme? Trashy teen movies? Horror, action or comedy?"
"Not horror or comedy. Or romance." She added after a beat. Dawn nodded sympathetically. "Action is good."
"Okay, you get the food, I'll raid your movie collection."
"Right." Buffy gave a mock salute.
Dawn was momentarily relieved that Buffy had attempted some kind of humour. But Dawn knew Buffy's mood could change on a whim. She deliberately avoided certain topics, and tried to keep her sister's mood as happy as the circumstances would allow. Which wasn't very happy.
Dawn watched Buffy walk into the kitchen. She didn't know what Buffy dreamt every night; surprisingly the blonde never disclosed the details. All Dawn knew that it was about Angel and the dreams were exactly that, they were dreams – they weren't nightmares. Buffy was dreaming of something happy, it was something happy with Angel.
Dawn couldn't begin to grasp what this was doing to her sister. Aside from the obvious reclusive lifestyle and the lack of sleep, Buffy remained similar to how she was before the dreams started. Just more pale, with bags under her eyes large enough to carry the luggage for the Italian football team, and didn't laugh or smile as much. Or laugh or spend time with her friends…okay, a lot has changed, but she was still Buffy. At least Dawn was trying to convince herself of that everyday.
Buffy and Dawn watched a total of four movies, they ate morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea and dinner. All conversation was kept light and void of anything related to Angel, or Buffy's dreams. When the dreams first started, Dawn, along with Willow, Xander and Giles constantly tried to coax Buffy to talk about it. She never opened up to any of them and hasn't since. Dawn was the only one she still saw, and even then their conversations were never revealing. Dawn would do most of the talking and Buffy would add her input occasionally.
At 7:30, Dawn left. Buffy walked her little sister to the door and after a quick hug Dawn said that next week she would take Buffy shopping whether she liked it or not, as it was Buffy's birthday in a week and two days.
"We'll see." Buffy replied, giving Dawn a smile, a smile saying: 'I'll be okay, don't worry.' But Dawn did worry, as did the others. Dawn, Willow, Xander and Giles lived in constant fear that one day the would receive a phone call or get a knock on the door, and a person would tell them that Buffy Summers was dead.
As Buffy went to bed later that night, she knew that within five to six hours she would be awake, startled by the abrupt end to her dream. The dream always ended the same, at the same instant. When the dreams first began, Buffy wanted to know why she was having them; on the third day Spike arrived in Rome.
According to the blonde vampire, the battle had been brutal, the enemy unforgiving, and of seemingly endless amount, but somehow they – Angel, Gunn, Illyria and himself – had managed to defeat the forces of the Black Thorn, a group of mega bad guys. Gunn didn't survive, Illyria did, as she was a demon or something, and had disappeared off the face of the planet. Spike survived and made his way to Rome by hiding on long distance flights.
He wanted to be the one to tell Buffy that Angel had died, fighting the good fight, fighting to his very last moment. Dying a hero. Buffy didn't care if he had died a hero or not, he was dead. Dust and ash. Angel had been a hero, a champion…but he was dead and she wasn't, and neither was Spike.
She hated Spike for surviving what Angel had not. She beat him to a very bloody pulp before screaming at him: 'I wish it were you that were dust! I wish you were dust and he was still here!'
They hadn't seen or spoken to each other since. Buffy never asked Dawn how he was or what he was doing. She didn't care, she didn't want to know.
The dreams started the night Angel died and they haven't stopped since. Seven and a half months of dreaming of a perfect future; a perfect future she was never going to have.
He was dead and she wasn't. Buffy closed her eyes and slept, waiting for the dream to begin.
"Hello, beautiful," said Angel as he greeted his wife. Angel was feeding their eleven-month-old daughter. "Isn't she beautiful? Isn't your mommy beautiful?"
Katherine Joycelyn Tara Summers laughed and pointed to the spoon in her father's hand. "Beautiful!" she cried, but it sounded more like 'boo-a-full.'
Buffy smiled at the 'boo-a-full' scene playing out in front of her. Her eldest child, three-year-old Liam Alexander Doyle Summers was proudly feeding himself and he would remind all those in the room by shouting 'see' after he swallowed each mouth full.
"Did you have a good sleep?" asked Angel, taking another spoonful and putting it near Kathy's mouth so she could reach out and take it herself.
"Yep. As always."
"See!" cried Liam.
"Not as always." Reminded Angel. Buffy knew he was right.
She didn't say anything else. It would have been a stupid move to try and argue that she always got a good night's sleep. Because she didn't, her dreams would sometimes plague her. Apocalyptic nightmares, mostly, and sometimes she had normal Buffy dreams. They weren't as much fun as she would like them to be. "So what are you doing today?"
Buffy laughed, Angel very well knew the answer. "Absolutely nothing." She continued to smile as her gaze fell on her growing stomach. Baby number three. She moved her hand gracefully and lovingly across her bulging belly. Seven and a half months along.
"Here, sit down." Angel pushed out the chair next to him; Buffy slowly sank herself into it, her body instantly glad to no longer be standing. This pregnancy had been the hardest so far.
"See!" cried Liam.
Buffy continued to watch her family have breakfast. She never ate with them. Angel would go to work in half an hour and he would take Liam and Kathy to day care. They enrolled Kathy in Cabbage Patch with Liam under doctor's orders. Buffy needed to have quiet and stress-free days.
Buffy preferred to watch the perfect moment rather than join it, put her full and total attention on her family and soak up every instant and try to imprint it in her memory. Throughout her life, Buffy had learnt one very special lesson: to hold on with both hands the good things in her life.
"See!" cried Liam.
And this Slayer was holding on tightly.
"Have you eaten yet?" asked Buffy to Angel.
"No, I'll finish with little Miss first. Are you sure you don't want to join us?"
Buffy smiled and shook her head. "I'm sure. I get more out of watching."
"Has anyone ever told you how strange you are?" chuckled Angel, scooping another spoonful of food for Kathy eat. To Buffy, Angel was a natural at being a parent, so loving and caring. H treated their children like precious treasures, they were. Liam and Kathy were miracles.
"A few people might have mentioned something."
"See!" Cried Liam.
Buffy brushed her fingertips along her son's arm. "We see, honey. Are you finished? Are you done?"
The little boy with dark brown hair and green eyes looked down at his plate then back at his mother. "Yep. Done." He wasn't, but Buffy stood up and pulled him free from his high chair.
"Let's get you dressed then."
"Buffy, I'll do that. You go lie down."
Buffy's heart swelled with love at the concern in his voice and on his face. She truly loved that man.
"I'm still a Slayer, Angel. I can dress Liam. I know you worry." Buffy shifted Liam so he was sitting above her hip, which is harder than it sounds due to her pregnancy. "But don't. I'll be fine." she smiled at her son and tickled the base of his foot. "I'll be fine." Liam laughed and kicked his feet away from his mother's hands.
Angel put the spoon down, left the chair and walked over to Buffy. "I'll always worry about you." He softly kissed her forehead. "I love you."
"I love you. But-"
"Don't worry." He finished.
"Yeah. I'm tough."
"You're also a human being, they're not invincible."
Buffy laughed at the irony. "Says the one who used to be immortal and now has no superpowers."
"Hey, are you trying to bruise my ego?"
"I couldn't do anything bad to your ego." Buffy said, giving her husband a mischievous grin. "I'm gonna change Liam, you finish feeding Kat... Oh."
'"Oh.' Oh, what?"
Buffy pointed past Angel at the little girl, Angel turned in time to see Kathy pick up her bowl and throw it across the table.
"Oh, no." Angel rushed forward. "Kathy, no. Don't do that."
Katherine hadn't only discarded her bowl, but had smeared its contents all over her face. Buffy turned and walked towards the staircase as Angel began cleaning up the mess.
She truly loved that man.
Buffy walked into Liam's bright sunlit room. That was one thing their house was always filled with – during the daylight hours – sunlight. Angel loved it; Buffy could remember when she practically had to force him to layer on the sunscreen. She wasn't going to have him die of skin cancer; they were going to have a long, happy and healthy life together. Nowadays, she didn't have to force him; he always covered up in the sun.
"I want to see my children grow up." He had told her, when they found out Buffy was pregnant with Liam. "I want to watch my children's children grow up. I wanna grow old with you."
Buffy placed Liam on the floor next to the dresser, pulled open the second top drawer and began choosing his outfit. Already. At only three years of age, he didn't like to wear certain colours. Red, yellow and black. Black's not really a colour, but anyway. Buffy and Angel found that quite bizarre. But he refuses to wear those colours and they haven't figured out why.
"What do you want to wear today, sweetie?" Buffy pulled out a pair of overalls and showed them to her son. He scrunched up his face and shook his head. "No. Okay then…" she returned her attention to the drawer and rummaged through his clothes. "What about these?"
"Tay." Liam reached for the pair of jeans and plain dark blue short sleeve shirt. "Now?"
"Yes, I'll dress you now." Buffy took Liam's hand and walked him over to his bigger bed. The little boy climbed up and faced his mother. Liam didn't sleep in the single bed; he still slept in the crib on the other side of the room. He liked to move around a lot in his sleep and would sometimes wake up during the night and wander around the top level of the house, but thanks to the stair barrier, Liam was safe from falling down the flight of stairs.
Buffy pulled off Liam's pajamas and put on the approved clothes. He was one picky kid.
"Done." He said after Buffy finished straightening out his clothes.
"Almost. Shoes and socks to go."
"Tay." He sat down a stuck out his feet. Buffy chuckled and got his shoes from inside the cupboard and his socks from the top drawer. After putting them on, Liam leapt off the bed and ran out of the room. Buffy walked as quickly as she could, though she knew Liam would be waiting at the top of the stairs, ready to be carried down.
When Buffy reached Liam, Angel was walking up the stairs with Kathy in his arms.
"Daddy!" Cried Liam. "See."
"Yeah, you look nice." He smiled up at Buffy. "Our kid's such a show-off."
"No he's not." Said Buffy, defending the three-year-old. She picked him up and struggled to keep him supported.
"Hey," Angel reached for Liam. "You rest. I'll do it."
Buffy sighed and nodded dejectedly. "Here, go to Daddy." Buffy handed Liam over to Angel, who grabbed him with his free arm.
"We'll let Mommy rest now." Angel leaned forward – and down – to kiss Buffy briefly on the lips.
"Thank you," she breathed once they had parted. "I'll be down in the living room."
"Okay," he smiled at her again. Buffy felt her heart skip a beat. Even after seven years of marriage, he still had that effect on her "Go. Put your feet up."
"Sure thing, boss." Buffy gave Angel a mock salute, who gave her a kiss on the forehead in return.
"Go. Now."
Buffy sighed. "I'm going, I'm going." She muttered as she began unlocking the childproof barrier, and slowly walked down the stairs.
Buffy walked straight into the living room. On top of the mantle were her favourite family photos. Angel and herself on their wedding day, it was a beautiful sunny day on the beach. Liam's first Christmas, Kathy's christening and lastly the four of them together. It was only taken a month ago; it was one of the few professionally photographed photos, as Buffy and Angel preferred to take all the photos themselves.
Buffy walked over to the long lounge and was very glad to get her feet off the ground, Angel was right she did need to rest. Everyone had been saying she needed rest, the doctors, nurses, her friends, co-workers…even Liam said it if Angel told him to, she only liked it when Liam said it. He looked adorable no matter what he did.
"Okay, we're ready to go." Said Angel, walking into the room with Kathy in his arms and Liam by his feet. "Say 'bye' to Mommy."
Buffy grinned as he ran over to her and she sat up. "Hey, sweetie."
"Bye, Mommy." He held out his arms, she had to lean over so her could put his little arms around his mother's neck. "See you." He pulled his arms free.
"See you." She kissed him on the forehead. "Have a good day and look after your baby sister."
"Yep." He smiled a toothy grin and walked back over to Angel, who then in turn walked over to his wife.
"Say 'bye'." Angel instructed Kathy as he placed her in Buffy's waiting arms.
Kathy, however, was not in the mood to talk. Buffy hugged her daughter, kissed her on the cheek and handed her back to Angel.
The former vampire leaned forward to kiss his wife. "We'll see you when we get back. Call if you need anything."
"I will. You call if you need anything."
Buffy and Angel shared a smile; he reached out and placed his hand on Buffy's swelled stomach. "You look after your mom in there, make sure she doesn't-"
"Over-exert herself. I've only heard everyone say it all the time."
"Must get tiring." Deadpanned Angel.
"It is." Smiled Buffy. "Now go, before you're late."
"We're going, we're going." He turned his attention to Kathy and Liam. "Okay, guys, time to go."
TBC...
So here's the first part of a four part fic. The dream ends here, just so everybody is clear. I'll add the next part soon. Hope you all like it, Maddy (I always reply if given some way of contacting you).