I laid my head down in Ludwig's lap, startling him. "Feliciano, what are you doing?"
I giggled as I looked up at him, his eyebrows were furrowed as he eyed me; which always amused me because he did it a lot, when he was annoyed, confused, or thinking really hard. This time I could tell he was confused, which was silly, wasn't it obvious what I was doing?
"Hey, Luddy, you're upside down!"
He rolled his eyes at me and focused back on the football game.
On normal circumstances my eyes would have been glued to the screen but here - in my super comfortable position on Ludwig's lap - I had more distracting things on my mind.
Like how he says my name, everyone else calls me Italy or Veneziano or Feli; Ludwig is the only one who doesn't, he makes me feel all adult! And even though he's always done that, it still surprises me - and more recently, it's just made me happier that he calls me something different. It makes me feel important and special.
His fingers drummed on his kneecap and he growled under his breath in German as the team he was not rooting for scored.
It made me laugh how invested Ludwig would get in a game. Don't get me wrong, I love football. But if your team loses it's not the end of the world, you move on and eat some pasta, drink some wine- not sulk for a day and a half like Ludwig does.
I absentmindedly started to play with the dark green sleeve of Ludwig's army jacket that he had draped over his broad shoulders. I loved how strongly it smelt of him, it was one of the best scents in the whole world.
"Mein Gott!" Ludwig exploded at the T.V., frightened by the outburst I buried my head against him.
Ludwig's entire body tensed up. "Feliciano, please remove yourself from my lap."
I peeked out. "Why?"
His face was red like how it gets when he's really angry with me, but his eyes weren't flashing like they normally did. . . in fact, he was trying to not look at me, almost like he was shy or-
"Now," he ordered.
I scrambled into an upright position and pouted. "What's wrong?"
"I. . . it's. . . more comfortable with you over there." He was really awkward, shielding his body off from me. Which is weird for him, but lately he's been doing that more and more.
A horrible thought struck me.
"Ludwig?"
"Ja, Feliciano?" Ludwig took his sights off the television screen to eye me.
How do I say this? I had to phrase it just right, but what else could I say besides: I'm scared that you don't like me anymore, do you still love me? Are you better friends with Ivan or Kiku than you are with me now?
"Ludwig, are you mad at me?" My lip quivered.
His face softened. "Nein, Feliciano. I'm sorry I upset you."
I scooted closer and he didn't flinch away from me. "Can I please go back to lying on you? You're very cozy."
"I don't think that's such a good idea. . ."
"Oh."
He opened his mouth to speak but then just stopped and turned back to the game.
I looked down at my hands. He wasn't mad at me but I couldn't get anywhere near him? That doesn't seem right. Something had to have happened to him.
"Ludwig?"
"Mhm?"
"Do you have a girlfriend?"
Ludwig looked taken aback as he stared at me. "What?!"
"Is that why you're acting all funny? Because you have a girlfriend now?" I pressed, biting my lip and hoping that that wasn't the case.
"Uhh, nein, Feliciano," his eyebrows did the perplexed thing as he looked me up and down. "Why. . . why would you- Nein, I'm not," he started turning that shade of red again.
"Not what?"
Ludwig didn't respond right away and I thought I would have to remind him to answer.
"I'm, uhh, gay, Feliciano. . . I don't want a girlfriend."
"Oh." I cocked my head. "That's nothing to be angry about."
He seemed to be struggling for words. "I'm not angry."
"Then why is your face all red?"
Ludwig looked down.
I reached over and lifted his chin up with my fingers. "I don't care that you're gay Ludwig."
The corners of his lip twitched upward. "Danke."
I beamed. "No problemo! So you having a girlfriend is not the reason you won't let me touch you?"
"Is this what all of these questions are for? Finding out why I don't want you on my lap?" Ludwig seemed slightly amused, which I didn't think was fair, this was a worrisome concern!
"Si!" I nodded persuasively.
He looked conflicted, I could tell he wanted to say something but there was some barrier that he couldn't force himself to get through.
I stayed quiet, I knew from past experiences that if I said anything it would be the deciding factor of if he was going to tell me or not - most times he would lean in the direction that I didn't want him to go. It was best to just let him decide on his own. Even though the silence was near unbearable. Seriously, I thought that if he didn't say something soon I would die of anticipation!
"Feliciano. . . why don't you have a girlfriend?" He was testing the waters, working up to that magical secret he was keeping bottled up.
I paused. I hadn't really thought of that. . . honestly, women had been the last thing on my mind since I had moved in with Ludwig.
"I don't know. . . I don't need one, haven't wanted one."
"Und why is that, do you think?"
Why was Ludwig asking me such hard questions? My feelings were all muddled! Why do I have to sort through them? I'm completely okay not understanding the reasons for my actions.
"I don't know, Ludwig." I put my head in my hands. "You're making my brain hurt!"
He reached out and put his hands on my shoulders. "Please, Feliciano, try to think."
"Why?" My eyes started to tear up. I cried when I got stressed or scared or happy, it just happens, and Ludwig's the only one who didn't make me feel utterly stupid for doing so.
"It's important," he met my eyes, they were so earnest - his icy blue eyes, but there was a twinge of hope - and instantly my concern went to not disappointing him, not making that sweet shred of hope leave his perfect eyes. I just didn't want to give him the wrong answer either.
"I- I have you, there hasn't been a girl that I have wanted more than you," I said carefully.
Ludwig looked relieved and I relaxed.
"But are you. . . how do I put this delicately. . . as fond as men as you are of women?"
I watched his expression carefully, hoping for a hint to reveal what he was thinking, but there was nothing, his face was devoid of emotion. Only his shiny eyes revealed that he wasn't just a hard, cold, mask.
I had no feelings for men - well not in the way I do for pretty girls. There's only been one man that caught my attention, one who gave me unexplainable desires and thoughts, one who kept me up all night, one who I would give anything for to hear him cry out my name-
"Feliciano?" Ludwig questioned softly.
"No."
"No. . ." he seemed to be tasting the word, his face falling as he did so.
"Not men. Just you."
Ludwig was speechless, but I knew I said the right thing because the ice in his eyes melted and his hand had a slight tremor as it reached for mine.
I took it without hesitation, his hand was warm and strong, heavily calloused - everything I expected but to actually feel it. . .
He rubbed his thumb over the back of my hand and he seemed uncertainly delighted. "Feliciano, I'm. . ." he looked at a loss so I jumped in.
"In love with you?" I smiled kindly.
He nodded and returned the smile. "Ja."
"Then how come you wouldn't let me near you?"
Ludwig blinked before laughing loudly. "You're still on that?"
I shrugged.
He watched me in a way I could only take to be amazement. "Isn't it obvious?"
I grimaced. I hated that question, if it was so obvious I wouldn't be asking now, would I?
Ludwig noticed my face and smirked. "I guess not?"
"No, it's not."
He took my hand and migrated it down toward his waist. My eyes grew wide and I grinned. Of course! I was in his lap!
"Oh!"
Ludwig chuckled. "Now that we have that settled-"
"I love you too, Ludwig."
He paused and a smile stretched across his features. Then, very gently, he pressed his lips against mine.
I pressed my body against his until I was back in his lap, our chests touching as he rubbed my back with his hand and sent chills up my spine.
His tongue brushed against my bottom lip and I welcomed him in, stroking his cheek with my thumb.
He pulled away to kiss down my neck.
I relaxed into him. "Ludwig. . ."
He rubbed my thighs and laughed breathlessly in my ear before pressing his mouth to the top of my jaw line.
I tried again but my voice came out no louder than a murmur, "I'm so glad you told me."
"Me too, Feliciano, me too," he nuzzled.
I cuddled into him and we went back to kissing, paying no attention to the soccer game that played on the television in front of us.