Jackie bounced down the stairs to the basement in a huff. How dare someone say that to her Steven? Specifically someone who was supposed to swoop in and love him unconditionally. The way a father should love his child.
A love that Steven had had to go his whole life without. That is until he moved in with the Forman's and got a small piece of Red's.
The thought made Jackie's eyes sting, but she knew that she would only make things worse if she cried. She only wanted to make Steven feel better, so if that meant she had to deflect the situation with humor and physical affection then that's what she'd do. No matter how badly she wanted to talk.
Steven was on the couch staring at the blank TV when she arrived downstairs. This was usually how she found him when he was tense or upset. Wide knees, sunglasses on, and his elbow propped up on the couch with his temple resting on his fist. Looking straight ahead.
Yeah he was pissed.
"Hey." She said calmly, as she sat on the other end of the couch and pulled her legs up and tucked them underneath her. She carefully glanced at him to her left, trying to gather any clues she could find about how he might be feeling about tonight's disastrous meet and greet.
It took him a second to acknowledge her, but he looked at her and shot her the smallest smile one could give.
"Hey baby." He said as he breathed heavily and looked back to the front, his head settling more heavily on his hand.
Her breath caught slightly in her chest at that. He hardly ever called her baby. He usually only said that when he was trying to comfort her, or if he was choosing to let his guard down more than usual that day. Was it possible he was trying to comfort himself? Or was it her? Leave it to Steven to sense that she's trying not to cry from a whole building story away.
She waited to see if he would start the conversation, but after a couple of minutes of silence it was clear that wasn't going to happen. So she let out a sigh.
"I'm just so mad at that William Barnett. I mean - thinking you wanted something from him. Everyone knows I'm all you ever desired." She slightly grinned there at the end, trying to peel off his stoic outer layer by making him laugh.
He had turned to face his body toward us, and he offered her an eye roll. That was better than nothing.
"Look," he started "if I was in his place I probably would have thought the same thing you know."
His voice sounded defeated, and it left her with a horrible ache inside her heart. She had to shift her eyes away from his. Not only did his pain feel heavy because of her deep love for him, but it reminded her too closely of her own pain from her parent's abandonment. She wanted nothing more than to soothe his ache, but she knew better than anyone that that was a void she would never truly be able to fill.
He could sense her sadness, so he softened the blow.
"Look it's not a big deal. I just wanted to meet the guy and find out if he looked like what I imagined my father to look like." He took a beat. "By the way - no." He said matter of factly. This caused the corners of her mouth to lift to a tiny smile.
He was so good at that. Making her feel like everything was going to be alright, when one second earlier she felt like the world was crumbling around them.
She nodded her head slightly and tapped his hand.
"Well who needs a father anyway? You know what, I've been doing just fine since my Dad disappeared into the jungle to bring freedom to the grateful natives." She switched her tactic back to trying to shed the weight with humor and teasing.
"Jackie, your father's in prison for embezzling 60,000 dollars from the city." He said plainly.
"I'm pretty; don't contradict me." She countered, annoyed that she wasn't managing to make any difference in his spirits.
These orders made him chuckle slightly and with that she was encouraged. She had an idea.
"Why don't you go to your room, put on your trashiest old t-shirt, and I'll grab us a few beers to drink while we listen to whatever loud music you want." She suggested with a teasing smile of a back-handed compliment. She knew Steven would appreciate both her gesture and her evil delivery of it.
He responded with a flirtatious grin. "One change. How about you put on my trashiest old t-shirt."
At this she tossed her head back and laughed. She loved it when he wanted to play.
She leaned forward and kissed him briefly on the lips before climbing the stairs up to the kitchen.
—-
Jackie pranced down the stairs with a beer in each hand and in a much better mood than she had before. She called out to Steven when she got closer to the door to his room.
"Ok Steven I'm ready. Make me into your white trash princess." She said, pretending to sound put out.
She was surprised to see Steven still dressed in the same nice button down he had been wearing earlier, standing while he looked through his crate of records. Although she bought him that shirt, and he looked handsome as hell in it, it was disarming that he was still wearing it. Steven valued being comfortable over being fashionable every time.
He looked over his shoulder and stepped toward her.
"Hey thank you," he said as he brushed his lips against the corner of her mouth and took one of the beers from her hands. He cracked it and took a long drink before he turned back toward his records.
She sat on the edge of his bed and waited for some insight on what he wanted to do, slipping off her wedges while he did that.
"Do you mind if we just…lie down? Just for a little bit." He asked, trying his best to sound nonchalant about wanting her to hold him.
She lifted her head from her shoes to look up at him. His back was still turned away from her, like he was embarrassed for not seeking comfort from her in a more physical or "masculine" way.
"Of course was can, Steven," she said softly. "I'm actually feeling a little tired anyway so that'd be nice." She knew he'd feel better if he felt like he was doing it for her rather than the other way around.
With this he nodded his approval of the activity and settled on a record. He slipped off his boots and slid onto his cot behind her, draping his arm around her waist.
Without talking she lifted his arm, slid up the bed to where her head was at the very top, and lied down on her back. Steven had lifted his upper body off the bed while she situated herself, confused with the position she was taking.
She then wordlessly softly grabbed at his curls and pulled his head down to her chest, encouraging him to drape his right arm across her waist with her arm.
Sighing in defeat he relaxed into this spot that Jackie and set up for him and closed his eyes.
Her manicured nails scratching lightly at his scalp was his favorite sensation in the whole world.
Not that he'd ever tell anyone that.
Lost in her own thoughts, Jackie was pulled out of her bubble by the music circulating in the room.
"Steven…are we listening to country music?" She asked perplexed. When did Steven get a Willy Nelson record?
He cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable and shifted his head.
"Yeah I mean…I just…wanted somethin' different is all." He said quietly.
After a few moments of silence, Jackie surrendered the topic. "Um…ok!" She said it as though she didn't quite understand, but wasn't going to press it.
He sighed. She was so kind when it came to him. Unwilling to use any matters of his heart for something as small as a burn.
"Jackie…if I tell you somethin' embarrassing. You gotta promise to keep your mouth shut." He warned.
Jackie's eyes lit up. Steven always told the best secrets. It was always something that revealed his true nature. Gentleness.
"Hey - mum's the word with me!" She rebutted. She knew that he knew she wouldn't tell anyone. He was just buying time because he's nervous.
Steven sighed. This chick would be the death of him.
"So when you and I broke up last year…I was pretty sad." He started hesitantly. His voice was deep and low like it always was whenever he talked about his feelings. She put her hand back in his curls to encourage him to continue. "When you got out of the El Camino that day, I turned on the radio, and it was country. And the music sorta…sounded like I felt I guess. So now whenever I'm sad, I listen to country music." He confessed, glancing up at her with his baby blue eyes to gauge her reaction.
She just nodded like she understood.
"So…you feel sad right now?" She pried hesitantly. Steven couldn't tell if she was trying to get him to talk more, or if she was worried he was unhappy here with her.
"Well…I mean right now," he started, "things where I'm layin' look pretty good." He said flashing her a smile.
She beamed down at him, gently kissing the top of his head and stoking his jaw. His eyes floated closed at this. At her loving him this way.
"But…" he began again, knowing that if he could tell anyone it would be her, "it wouldn't have sucked for my Dad to have liked me."
This hit Jackie where it hurts.
She wrapped her arms around him tighter and lifted her eyes up to the righthand corner and tried to blink her tears away. One slipped out and landed in his hair, but he either didn't notice or just didn't feel called to address it.
"Steven?" She asked him quietly.
"Hmm?" He responded, his eyes were still closed while he concentrated on the tiny patterns Jackie was drawing on his arm with her finger.
Her eyes squeezed shut, tense with the desire to say the right thing. Say anything that would make him feel valuable. Make him feel loved.
"You know that I love you, right?" She asked nervously. She felt his cheeks rise with a closed mouth smile, and he lifted his head up slightly a placed a kiss on her chest through her shirt. Right where her heart was.
"I do, baby." He whispered.
This time she smiled. He called her baby again.
"Because I do, Steven." Jackie told him, as she rested her cheek on his head. "I…I love you so much."
Steven felt his throat tighten. He wasn't one who would cry, but Jackie had him pretty damn close. In that moment, it was as if this love radiating from her was enough to fill the void of a thousand lost fathers.
"I hope he comes back and apologizes, Steven. And I really think he will." She confessed to him. "But if he doesn't…just know that I'm here. I'm always gonna be here." She finished, hoping that the warmth of her words was enough to thaw the icy pain of his abandonment.
At this he just lifted himself up off her chest and kissed her lips gently, keeping his mouth inches above hers when he broke it.
"I know, Jackie. Know that I'm here too."
The warmth of his breath tickled her face and she closed her eyes in contentment as he went to kiss her on the forehead.
"So," he said hovering over her, "you still willing to play dress up? I'm sure I have a plaid shirt you could tie up if you wanna play farmer's daughter."
She laughed hard and opened her eyes to see his smug face chuckling with her. She grabbed his head and pulled his face closer, as they began, amazingly enough, to make out to Mama's Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys.