He drove feeling the wind in his hair; the night sky filled
with stars, the red moon full hidden partially behind clouds. With one arm
hanging on the side of the car, the wind making it dance against the door. The
music played loudly, he found himself singing along with the words. Nn one else
was on the road with him so he sang
loudly. Driving in the middle of the lanes, taking up both.
He was running, he knew it and didn't give a fuck about it.
Their last argument replaying itself over and over in his mind; his singing was
not able to quiet his thoughts, they still plagued him.
I"Why, tell me that, why? Why him, why now?"
"I can't tell you what I don't exactly know. It just was."
"How could you? Both of you, I thought you loved me!"
"I do, but you don't exactly make it easy for me you know."
"I will never forgive you, get out, GET OUT NOW!"/I
And he had gotten out, left his clothes, left his sword and just got the heck
out of there. Gotten into his car and drove away, and that had been four days
ago.
He was in the middle of the desert, on a lonely stretch of
road, hearing nothing but the wind and his music. It wasn't a stretch of the
imagination to see why his thoughts had finally caught up to him.
They tore at him, ripping his mind to shreds. His guilt began to build even
further. He was in the wrong, his actions were wrong, the motivation though,
that was both of their faults. It took two to be in a relationship and if one
of them ceased to work at keeping it alive the other began to look at other
options, even if just to assuage a quick need. Still, seeing his face, seeing
that deep well of hurt and betrayal. He felt it deep inside his soul.
He hadn't wanted that pain to be there, hadn't meant for it to happen. Hadn't
meant for his lover to find out, not like that especially, but still, it had
happened and some how he wondered if deep down he *had* wanted it to happen in
just that premise.
Not seeing any cars ahead of him he laid his body back against the headrest of
the car, stretching his long body the best he could without actually pulling
over and getting out of the car. He looked up at the midnight blue sky, the
stars winking at him. He wondered if he were to die, if he could be
reincarnated as one of those stars, no worries, no stress, simply looking down
upon the universe, possibly laughing behind it's back.
He chuckled at his whimsical thoughts. Oh wouldn't others have a field day with
that, the great Seifer Almasy having a whimsical thought.
He sighed, pushing the guilty feelings aside. He wondered what he was doing,
what they both were doing. He'd left them both. Run into the night and hadn't
looked back. He missed them, missed them both for different reasons.
His bright and happy Zell, whose smile filled him with sunshine and hope, whose
exuberance for life always left him bemused. He watched Zell run though life happily. Watched how he affected
others, gave others joy and laughter. Zell always made him feel special, as if
he were necessary to the smaller man's happiness, that is, before Zell got
wrapped up with work.
His darkly beautiful Squall, who when he was with made him feel strong as if he
could divide and conquer. Squall always made him think, made him work for any
kind of victory. He was his closest friend, understood him on so many levels,
and could sit in silence when needed and push when warranted. It was still a
surprise when they'd ended up in bed together one lonely night, sort of like
tonight.
He missed them both, but he was tired of being stuck in the middle, was tired
of the lies, the hiding, and the hurting. Maybe if he stayed gone the hurt
would be less, since neither of them had won, had gotten their man. He wryly
chuckled at that thought, wondering as well, where he was going. Where he would
end up.
And frankly he didn't care.