When Johnny died he died very gallantly. He died because he saved those kids in the church. When Johnny died he took a chunk of my heart with him. I loved him, not in the romantic sense, but rather in a brotherly way. Johnny was the light in my life after my parents died. I tried to move on but I couldn't live without him. I will forever have a gaping hole in my chest. I was torn from my thoughts into a cold, dreary world in the form of my living room when a voice spoke out, "Ponyboy, Pony, are ya there?" I recognized that deep voice, it was Soda.
"Of course, where else would I be." I replied halfheartedly. Soda was lost for words, so depressed that not even a joke would come out. These are the moments that remind me that I am not the only one hurt, broken, and depressed. Everyone was affected by Johnny and Dally's deaths. But, no one feels the gaping hole in their hearts like I do in mine. Soda cleared his throat and I looked up, meeting his gaze. In it I saw questions that couldn't be answered, promises that couldn't be kept, and uncertainties that couldn't be put to rest. They had all the right to be worried about me, Darry and Soda did. I thought, felt, and did everything that they suspected. Even that forbidden word that hid the action…the word no parent wants to hear about their child. I thought about it, quite often actually. It was my way out of the pain, the torture, and the after effects of Johnny's leaving. It would be so easy…like falling asleep. But what about Darry and Soda? What would this do to them? It would probably send Darry over the edge, forever losing himself in alcohol and Soda, forever depressed and in pain. The gang wouldn't care, they were falling apart anyway. Like Two-Bit who was sitting in the far corner of the room with a tortured expression on his face, nothing at all like the old Two-Bit who laughed and joked around. Or Soda who was seated next to me in Dad's ratty old chair, losing interest in girls, cars, and just life in general. Or maybe Darry, who was coming home later at night, drunk, because he couldn't deal with the mental anguish we all felt. But, they would wonder why this happened. I'll write a note to explain to them how this is for the best, I would be happier this way. I stood from my place in the chair and began walking away, down the hall, to a better life. On the way through the kitchen I grabbed a bottle of water and the aspirin and continued to Soda's and my room. Once there I went over the desk and sat down to begin my letter. I poured my heart into it telling all of my story, from how empty I was after Mom and Dad died and how Johnny brought me back to life through his words and friendship to how empty I was after he died, like falling into a never ending black hole that sucked that life out of me. I set the letter next to me on the bed and made the needed preparations before closing my eyes and falling into an everlasting sleep. I'm coming Johnny, I'm coming…