Pretty Magical Soldier Knights SeeD
Episode 1: A New Dawn! The Birth of the Soldier Knights!
By: Eric A.
(The setting is Balamb on a beautiful spring day. The wind blows gently from the sea, people move from place to place, doing their day to day tasks, and low level monsters wander outside the town, waiting for young SeeDs to come and draw useful magic from them.)
Selphie Tilmitt, Rinoa Heartilly, and Quistis Trepe walk into town together. They are wearing their usual outfits and a variety of expressions. Selphie is her usual bouncy, cheerful self;
Rinoa looks wistfully over her shoulder from time to time, and Quistis' expression is close to bored.
Selphie (in a loud, happy tone): Booyaka! Here we are!
Quistis (looks around, slightly irritated): Balamb? This is your great idea, Selphie?
Selphie: Well, it's not Esthar, but it is a town, right? And every now and again it's okay to get out and have fun, and stuff!
Quistis: You can't have fun in Balamb. There have been studies.
Rinoa (sighing): I wish I were back at the flower field, waiting for Squall.
Quistis (irritated): You just saw him fifteen minutes ago. Selphie said we were going to Balamb and he rubbed his head and said "Whatever."
Rinoa: I know…and that's why I love him.
(Quistis counts to a high number. Meanwhile, a very pretty girl in a pink dress and a red vest walks up to Selphie. She is carrying a basket filled with flowers.)
Flower Girl (to Selphie): Miss, would you buy a flower? They're only a gil.
Selphie: A gil? You won't make any money that way.
Flower Girl (thinks about it): You're right. Twenty gil.
Selphie: Twenty gil? For a flower?
Flower Girl: Hey, some of us come from places where you don't make money by just wandering around the world map. (walks away in a huff.)
Selphie: Huh?
Quistis: Selphie, why are we here?
Selphie (shakes her head to clear it.) Oh, right. We're here to have FUN!
Rinoa: I wish Squall was here.
Quistis (ignoring Rinoa): And I have responsibilities as an Instructor. Classes to teach, tests to grade, Triple Triad cards to take from freshmen…
Rinoa: Oh, don't worry about grading tests, Quistis. You'll just write "Study hard and have fun" on all of them and give everyone a B+ anyway.
Quistis: WHAT!
Selphie (stepping between Rinoa and Quistis) C'mon guys, this is exactly my point! You, Rinoa, you need to get a life other than being joined to Squall at the hip. And you, Quistis, if you got out more often, you'd find a boyfriend, like Rinoa and me.
(Rinoa frowns)
Quistis: I don't need a man to be happy, Selphie.
Rinoa: That's good for you, since you never have one.
Quistis (menacingly): You know, I could very easily kill you, Rhino.
Rinoa: It's Rinoa! (stamps her feet) Don't call me that. All the Trepies call me that!
Selphie: Hey, it gets them extra credit.
Quistis: And don't think you're safe, Selphie. You'll be waiting for Slot to get you something other
than " Cast Firaga 1 time " while I'm dancing a jig all over your @$$.
Rinoa (puzzled): I thought you played the bass.
Quistis: That was the second time the writer played the game. The first time he had me tap-dancing up a storm
Selphie: Look, everybody, let's not talk about school or Squall or any of that. You don't hear me talking about Irvy-poo, do you?
Quistis (rolling her eyes): Yeah, right. Where is Irvine, anyway?
Rinoa: He's tomcatting in Dollet.
Selphie: That isn't funny, Rhino.
Rinoa: It's true! I'm Squall's secretary, and, you know, I do things for him. Keep up his paperwork,
make his appointments-
Quistis: Rotate his tires.
Rinoa (ignoring Quistis): -so I have to have access to all you guys calendars, the ones in the network. Today's schedule for Irvine says "8:30-lie to Selphie, 9:30-go to Balamb and borrow boat, 12:30-arrive in Dollet, 4:00-12:00-troll for chicks"
Selphie (anger rising in her voice) THAT NO GOOD S.O.B.! HE DID IT TO ME AGAIN!
Quistis: Again? This has happened before?
Selphie: HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO BUY A NEW COWBOY HAT!!
Rinoa: Well, Quistis, I guess Irvine has needs-
Quistis: What kind of moron writes in his calendar that he's going to cheat on his girlfriend?
Selphie (producing Strange Vision from seemingly nowhere): AND HIS GUNS NEEDED CLEANING!!!
(Selphie pegs a sign on the side of a building through the window of the Junk Shop.)
Rinoa: yes, he has needs. And if you had a boyfriend, Quistis-
Quistis: (raising a fist): Don't even go there, Rhino.
(Selphie puts a dent in Ma Dincht's door.)
Rinoa: Like I have Squall, you'd understand that.
Quistis (furious): THAT'S IT! YOU'RE GOING DOWN!
(Selphie bursts into tears and falls to her knees.)
Selphie: Now you sound like Irvine!
(Rinoa and Quistis stare at Selphie, puzzled)
Rinoa (coughing into her hand): Where were we?
Quistis: I was getting ready to hand you your @$$.
Rinoa: Yeah, right! First off, I'm a sorceress, and I'll go mushroom cloud on you if you mess with me!
(Everyone in earshot hears "sorceress" and runs away screaming. The flower girl, who just lost four customers, gives Rinoa a one-fingered salute.)
Rinoa: And second, you wouldn't dare offend Squall 'cause you think I'll dump him someday for some other scarred man with no personality and you'll get to comfort him-
(Quistis drops Rinoa with one punch.)
Selphie (sniffling): You shouldn't do that, you know. She spends enough time unconscious as it is.
Quistis: I'll just tell her Adel possessed her. She'll buy it. Well, now what?
Selphie (cracking her knuckles) We're going to go to Dollet and clean Irvine's clock. Let's go get a boat!
Quistis: Why not take the Ragnarok?
Selphie: Because the next plot point is at the docks, silly! Now pick up Rhino and let's go!
(They pick up Rinoa and, carrying her between them, leave)
(Behind them, on the roof of Ma Dincht's house, a mysterious shadow appears. Beside of it is a small, cute shadow that is clearly that of the GF Carbuncle)
Mysterious Shadow: I know that they seem unsuited for the task, but only they can become the
Magical fighters that we need. The time has come to awaken them!
(Quistis and Selphie carry Rinoa onto the docks.)
Rinoa (regaining consciousness): W-what happened to me?
Quistis (soothingly): I think you were about to be possessed by a sorceress. You were talking crazy, so I knocked you out.
Rinoa (rubbing her head): There wasn't a sorceress, was there…I mean, we were just talking about my sweetie Squall and you punched me!
Quistis: Ah, well, when you said you could beat me in a fight, I must have overreacted. I mean, you beat me in a fight…. right.
Rinoa (stepping away from them): I guess that is kinda silly of me…what are we doing again…?
Selphie: We're getting a boat and we're going after that dirty S.O.B. Irvine!
Quistis: (bored): Lovely.
Selphie (elbows Quistis in the ribs): I'll let you shoot the deck guns.
Quistis (sheepishly): I can't. I forgot to bring my glasses.
Rinoa (frowns): I didn't think you really needed them.
Quistis: Come to think of it, I only wore them in the FMV at the start of disc one. Maybe I don't need them.
Selphie: I thought you did. That would explain your haircut.
Quistis: Would you mind repeating that?
Selphie (grabbing one of the long locks that frames Quistis' face): I mean, what are these? Bookmarks?
Quistis: You're one to talk, Selphie. What's up with those wings you got going there-use them to fly when the Ragnarok's down for repairs?
Rinoa: Yeah, how much hair spray does that take, Selphie?
Selphie: Shut up, Rhino! At least I just don't have that basic, straight no frills hair like you do.
Rinoa: It's Rinoa! And I could do something with my hair, but Squall hid my curling iron.
Quistis: I know I'm going to hate myself for this, but why did Squall hide your curling iron?
Rinoa (hesitates): Because I set the fur collar of his jacket on fire.
Quistis: How the hell…(raises both hands). Never mind. Let's just go.
(A bright ball of energy suddenly appears on the docks in front of the girls, its radiance blinding.
The girls shield their eyes and can discern that there are two figures there, one tall and female, the other short and cute. As the glow fades, it becomes apparent that the woman is Sorceress Ultimecia, along with Carbuncle.)
Quistis and Selphie: ULTIMECIA!
(Rinoa faints dead away.)
Ultimecia: Stay your wrath, young SeeDs. I come in peace…
Selphie (tapping at Rinoa with the toe of a boot): for crying out lot, she's not in a coma again, is she?
Quistis: I hope not. (to herself) Maybe this is my chance!
Selphie: Man, if she's out again, I ain't giving her a piggy back ride to Esthar.
Quistis: I know. Poor Squall's back was tied up in knots for days.
Selphie (looking sidelong at Quistis): How would you know that, Quisty?
Ultimecia (clears throat): Young women of SeeD…
Quistis: Look, I'm just assuming here, Selphie. I mean, Squall carried her all the way to Esthar-
Selphie: On his back. Hardly romantic. Makes you wonder how he'll carry her over the threshold.
Quistis (slightly irked): and I'm sure it bothered him.
Ultimecia (irritated): SeeDs….
Selphie: Must've been hard unknotting all those hard muscles.
Quistis: It was-eep! (covers mouth with hands)
Selphie: AH-HA!
Quistis: It's-it's not what you think! I just rubbed his shoulders when we were on our way to the Sorceresses Memorial to get Rinoa.
Selphie: Man, you work quick, don't you? They were sticking Rhino in a tube and you were trying to get funky with Squall.
Ultimecia: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
(Ultimecia grows to a height of twenty feet tall, greatly resembling Adel. Selphie and Quistis go superdeformed from sheer panic)
Ultimecia: OH, GIVE IT A REST, GIRLS! YOU BOTH HIT ON SQUALL AT THE PARTY AFTER DOLLET AND ALL HE DID WAS SAY "WHATEVER!" HE'S NOT WORTH IT!
Selphie: What just happened?
Quistis: We got superdeformed. Common trait to most shojo anime.
Selphie: It hurts!
Ultimecia (back to normal): There, that's better. And Mss Heartilly, you may wake up-I don't intend to possess you.
(Quistis snaps her fingers and swears under her breath)
Rinoa (sitting up): You tried to get funky with Squall while I was in a test tube, Quistis?
Quistis: Later. What do you want, Ultimecia?
Ultimecia: I come bearing grim tidings for your world, girls. A threat approaches your world, one that only a special power can defeat.
Selphie: Excuse me? Aren't you the bad guy?
Ultimecia: I once was. But it suits the purposes of the writer to completely ignore the ending of the game and use me here.
Quistis, Rinoa, and Selphie: Oh.
Ultimecia: At any rate, a threat approaches your world, and only you can stop it. You have been chosen to face this enemy with the gift of magical powers.
Quistis: We already have magical powers. And I have a useful Limit Break-
(Rinoa and Selphie stick out their tongues at Quistis.)
Quistis: -and we all have weapons. So is that what you are talking about?
Ultimecia (shakes head): No, the power you must defeat requires a power that is similar to it.
And only you girls can wield it.
Quistis: Why?
Ultimecia: The fans don't know enough about Ellone, Xu, and Fujin. Now, are you prepared to receive this power?
Selphie: We'd better be or this will be a short fanfic.
Ultimecia: (raises arms over head) Then receive this power!
(Quistis, Selphie, and Rinoa are surrounded in light as a fairly standard magical girl transformation sequence begins, complete with enough hints of nudity to make the guys watching the show leer yet demure enough to keep a 13 and up rating. Each girl winds up in your basic stylized sailor dress, pretty much in the color schemes the girls prefer. Selphie winds up with cute
knee high boots, Quistis gets the ankle boots of Sailor Jupiter, and Rinoa winds up with high heels.)
A group of fishermen on the docks notice the girls. Among their number is Raijin.
Raijin: (stunned): HOOTCHIE-MAMA!
Fujin (appearing behind Raijin): RAGE!
(Fujin knocks Raijin silly)
Ultimecia: There! Your transformation is complete!
Rinoa: Oh, I'm so cute! Squall will love it!
Quistis: I look ridiculous.
Selphie (tugging at the hem of her pleated skirt): My skirt's too long.
(Quistis and Rinoa stare in disbelief at Selphie)
Quistis: What?
Rinoa: She's got a point. I'm amazed she can walk in that little yellow dress without putting on a show. And she's always jumping up and down…must be fun to be next to her in the battle order.
Quistis (to Ultimecia): Now, let me guess…Carbuncle is the obligatory cute animal side kick,
right?
(Carbuncle lets out a cute sound and jumps over to the girls)
Selphie: Oh, wow…I gotta catch it! (She produces a red and white ball from behind her back)
C'mere, little fellow…
Quistis: Knew we couldn't get through this thing without a Pokemon joke.
Ultimecia (imperiously): Now, you are no longer mere mercenaries. You are now the Pretty Magical Soldier Knights!
Rinoa: Sure, make the lawsuit really big.
Quistis: Say, Ultimecia, is there some silly thing we have to say to change into these clothes?
Ultimecia: You are good. Yes, you must say "Mildly Provocative Transformation- Stock Footage!"
Quistis: That's par for the course for this fanfic. And Carbuncle…?
Ultimecia: Will guide you on your journey. The course you have agreed to is dangerous, yet I have faith in you. (Smoke billows around Ultimecia) Farewell!
(Ultimecia disappears)
Rinoa: Well, now what?
Selphie: We still go get Irvine! If the bad guys are any good, they'll chase us down anywhere! Let's go !
(the girls run down the docks, Carbuncle following)
(Somewhere else, a shadow watches a crystal ball showing what has just happened )
The Menace: So, Ultimecia, you have made your move. Now it's my turn….HA HA HA!
To Be Continued…