The first month after Buffy died Dawn ignored it.
She lived in denial as robo-Buffy took on her slayer tasks. Dawn refused to cry because if she didn't think to hard she could pretend Buffy wasn't really gone.
The fifth month after Buffy died Dawn felt guilty. Buffy had jumped for her, closing the portal that had been opened with her blood so that she could live. Sacrificed herself to save the world in typical Buffy fashion.
"Shallow cuts, shallow cuts" She'd murmur calmly as the razor collided with her soft flesh.
The same words the freak who'd taken a knife to her skin to open the portal had used on the night Buffy had died. When the blood flows the portal would open and it shall close when the blood flows no more. Dawn defiled her body with her razor as punishment, because her blood still flowed, she was still here and Buffy was not.
The eighth month after Buffy died, she was angry.
She was angry with Spike for not stopping the demon from opening the portal in the first place. He was a brilliant fighter but when it counted most he had lost. He fell, Dawn's blood was spilled and Buffy jumped. But she hadn't gotten back up like Spike had, she was dead. Dawn wanted to yell and scream and hit him for not protecting her sister from death. He was supposed to love her god damn it! But when she looked in his eyes she found the guilt she'd wanted to invoke in him already there, so she kept her mouth shut.
The eleventh month after Buffy died Dawn was fed up. The scoobies had coped well. Willow had Tara and Xander had Anya and they floated through their grieving because they had loved ones by their sides. Dawn was not loved, no one held her while she cried. No one noticed when she stole things or cared when her grades slipped. Sure Tara and Willow gave her a quick lecture about how grades were important but they didn't bother to ask her if she needed help studying. They would scold her but they wouldn't help her. Everyone tried to avoid her, the freaky key thing that Buffy died for, thats all she was. Everyone loved Buffy and when Buffy was around that love had extended to Dawn as well. But Buffy was gone now, and Dawn was merely a painful reminder of that.
Spike was the only one that didn't avoid her, hell he was always trying to be around her. But not cause he loved her, not because he cared. But because Dawn was all that's left of his precious Buffy. Dawn was so fed up with all of them, with all of it. It made her disgusted to see the sadness in the scoobies eyes whenever Buffy was mentioned. Whenever she was around Spike she wanted to scream and tell him to snap out of it. Didn't any of the get it? Buffy had jumped. She'd chosen to, not to save the world or even to save her sister. Buffy jumped because she'd been given an easy out. She could jump and end it all, remove the weight of the world from her shoulders, not have to worry about the hole that ached in her heart after her mother's death, not have to go through the exhausting day to day life that she had. So she jumped and everyone said she'd died a hero. Dawn knew it was a lie, Buffy had died a coward. The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Her sisters words were true, and they were the reason she'd jumped.
Dawn was contemplating all this as she sat in Spike's crypt. He was standing, pouring himself another drink. His eyes were empty. Dawn looked down at the shot glass of liquor in her delicate hand. He allowed her to drink now, he'd given up on preserving any ounce of her innocence when he'd come to check up on her and found her face buried in a boys lap as she elicited pleasurable moans from him with her mouth. Dawn stared at the vampires empty eyes again, he looked as if he'd lost the will to live. It caused anger to boil within her. She threw her glass at him; it missed smashed to pieces against the wall beside his head. It woke him up, anger burning in his empty eyes.
"Snap out of it!" She screamed.
He looked at her, seeming awake for the first time in ages.
"She's gone Spike, she left us and she's not coming back!" The girl said as hot angry tears began to slip down her cheeks.
It hit spike for the first time. He'd spent that last eleven months an empty shell refusing to deal with the fact that she was gone. The truth being that she'd wanted to go. Death is my gift she'd told them and she was right it had been, but it was a gift she'd been happy to give. She was meant to go spike realized and a weight was lifted off his shoulders. For the first time since long before Buffy had died, the slayer haunted him no more. He saw his feelings for what they were, an obsession much like it had been with Dru. He'd wanted her craved for her and when she didn't want him back it drove him mad, like seeing Dru all over Angelus had. But then she was gone and he was lost and confused desperate for closure that wouldn't come. But it hit him now that he'd never loved her and with that realization he could move on. His attention returned to the now sobbing brunette that lay on the floor before him. His poor lil bit, he'd been so caught up in his own grief to care for her in the previous months. She was the only one who ever treated him as an equal with the exception of her mother and he repaid her so poorly.
"Oh god Dawn, I'm so sorry." He said as he approached her quivering body.
He knelt to the ground pulling her into his lap as he held her protectively.
"I'm so sorry bit. It's okay now. I've got you, gonna make everything better now." He murmured into her hair and he held her.
Dawn shook and trembled as so many emotions worked their way through her body. Finally after what seemed an eternity she'd calmed down. She lay there as her sniffles died down in Spike's lap with his hand stroking her hair soothingly.
"I'm so tired Spike" Dawn said with half closed eyes. All the crying had drained her both emotionally and physically.
He stood up carrying her effortlessly in his well-muscled arms and lay her down in his bed.
He covered her in blankets, until she was tucked in right and proper.
He sat down next to her and rubbed her back soothingly until his bit drifted off to sleep.
She awoke cradled in Spike's arms. She inhaled deeply taking in his smell, focusing on how comforting it was to have his strong arms around her, protecting her. He had not joined her under the blankets which told Dawn that he had not meant to fall asleep beside her. Silently, she wriggled away from him and got out of bed careful not to wake him. She crept off to his makeshift bathroom and borrowed some of Spike's mouthwash. She frowned at his lack of a mirror and tried to fix her bedhead blindly. When she was certain she looked acceptable she went back to where Spike slept. He looked peaceful and that made Dawn smile sadly. She wondered if he was dreaming about Buffy, while she stood awake and pining for him. She'd always loved Spike, the only one that treated her as an equal, the only one who cared about her at all. But he was in love with Buffy, just like Xander had wanted Buffy when Dawn was younger and infatuated with her sister's good natured funny friend. Dawn wondered if she should leave. She stepped closer to Spike, her hand tracing his jawline delicately. "Can't you see that I love you?" She asked barely above a whisper. Spike who had been awake since Dawn had risen from the bed, struggled not to open his eyes wide in shock. Before he could process her words or decided how he should react he heard her leaving his crypt.
He sat up alone in his bed trying to understand. Dawn loved him? He knew good and well that she was not a child, not anymore. She was a young women, and at the same time millenniums older than he was. If she said she was in love he took her seriously. He had known about the school girl crush that she'd had for him an eternity ago, but he'd assumed that it had run its course and ended. Spike struggled to understand how this would change things between them. His realizations of the previous night had made it clear that he needed to help her off her self-destructive path, but that would be difficult if he had to worry about leading her on. Would it be leading her on? He knew he loved her, always had. She was his best mate. But his love had always been platonic. Sure he noticed as she'd blossomed into the beautiful young women she was now. He'd observed as she'd developed hips and full breasts and lost the childlike roundness to her features because though he was a demon he was also a man. He was ashamed when he'd have to push away the vulgar thoughts that surfaced when she'd bent down to pick up something and her short skirt struggled not to expose her, or when he'd noticed her nipples protruding through her shirt as he walked her home on a cold night. Because she was Dawn, his little bit. She was precious and delicate and she was something that needed to be taken care of not lustfully ogled at. She was not longer a little girl but that didn't change their relationship he reminded himself. He her friend, it was his place to be her companion and her caretaker and nothing more. He'd already muddled up the taking care of her part so well he couldn't be distracted with all these thoughts of her. He needed to get a clear head and fast.
He went to her house that night to see if she was okay. He was determined not to let her know he'd overheard her whispers that morning in his crypt. But as he'd approached he took notice of the darkened house. It appeared no one was home. He was slumped against the tree waiting when he saw the strange car heading toward the summers house. Hidden in the shadows, he watched intently as a boy got out of the car followed shortly by Dawn. She wore black leather pants and a white tank top, not a lot unlike how faith used to dress. Her lips were adorned in blood red lipstick and her hair was loose long and flowing like a river down her back. Everything from her appearance, to the look in her eyes, to the way she walked into the house was provocative. Spike had no doubt in his mind what she and the strange boy were about to go do.
"Bloody hell." Spike cursed.
Torn between barging in there a pummeling the little prick or stalking home, Spike stood outside as he watched Dawn's bedroom light flicker on, then off again.
Spike made his way up to the roof and outside her window within seconds of making his decision. He couldn't just walk away, knowing what she was doing. Whether his complex feelings for her were platonic or not, he knew he did not like the idea of her whoring around with a slew of boys. It was beneath her, something she'd wound up doing because he had let her sink so low. But Spike was back now awakened by his revelation and he would not tolerate anymore of her promiscuous behavior.
He opened her window effortlessly and slipped through it with ease.
"Dawn" He growled as he crossed the room and threw on the lights.
Dawn was lying on the bed, topless with the also topless boy on top of her in nothing but his boxers. Spike was relieved to see Dawn still had her pants on, though the boys hand was down the front of them. The boy got off of Dawn startled. Dawn whose eyes at first grew wide with shock now seemed faintly annoyed and not nearly as embarrassed or ashamed as they should be.
Spike glared at the boy, and let out a fierce growl.
"Get out!" Spike snarled as grabbed him by the back of the neck and pulled him out of the room.
Spike tossed the boys clothes after him and then slammed Dawns bedroom door shut. Dawn was now sitting up, her long hair still covering her breasts. Spike turned to face her not exactly sure what he was planning to say. Dawn glared unforgivingly at him, when he replied with no excuse she started in on him.
"What the hell was that for?" She demanded furiously.
"You're not allowed to have boys in your room." Spike said in a low serious tone.
Dawn stood up now, seriously pissed.
"Who are you my mother? Oh wait she'd dead! If you can even count her as my mother I mean big blobs of energy don't really have parents do they?!" She screamed bitterly.
"Besides it's not like you've never caught me with a boy up here before." She spat at him.
Spike remembered the time he'd caught her with a different boy up in this same room of course at the time he'd been so numb he'd just walked in stood there shocked for a few moments as if he was confused and then left. Of course that time she hadn't been half naked as she was now standing in front of him. Spike felt his cock twitch. He was worried he'd might get a full hard on if she didn't cover up with something other than her precariously placed hair.
"For fucks sake, can you put a bloody shirt on?!" Spike yelled at her.
Dawn stood there defiantly for a few moments. Finally she crossed her arms over her chest.
"Why should I this is my room. You're the one who barged in here." Dawn said stubbornly.
She was mad, angry at him for storming in here and telling her what to do. He treated her like an equal, which is why he'd won her respect and why she'd tolerated him for the past few months. Yet now here he was bossing her around like a child. The way all the others had when Buffy was alive. At the same time her body was humming at the whole situation, him there not a metre away from her while she stood there without a shirt; it was something she'd fantasized about many times, though not quite like this. Sure she'd brought another guy up to her room, as she had with a handful of others, but in her mind they were Spike. Every time.
Spike, who was growing increasingly uncomfortable in his pants, frustratedly grabbed the blanket from her bed and wrapped it around her shoulders, covering her.
"Dawn, your better than this, you deserve more than random hookups with strange boys." Spike said softly trying to get her to understand his actions were for her own good.
"You don't know that. You don't even know me! Not anymore, every moment you've spent with me over the past months you've been sulking over Buffy! That's the only reason why you even bother with me is because I remind you of her!" Dawn accused him angrily.
Tears welled up in her eyes and threatened to spill over. Dawn now clutched at the blanket covering her desperately, feeling vulnerable and wishing she could hide her face in it and just disappear.
"Dawn, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything. But it's different now, I'm better now and I'm gonna help ya get better too. I care about you Dawn I do I swear it." He said very seriously.
Because he did care about her, hell she was the only person in this whole bloody planet he cared about.
"Liar." Dawn spat out bitterly. "Just leave me alone."
"Dawn I love you, not the way I thought I loved Buffy. But you are my best mate, the only one I can stand to be around, you treat me with respect and you used to make me laugh, and I used to watch out for you. I want to help you. Get back to how things were."
Dawn felt a confusing round of emotions overwhelm her.
She lingered on the "I thought I loved Buffy". Was he saying he didn't? She wasn't surprised at him saying she was his best friend, she knew that already. She longed for the past too, for a different spike. Who was funny and alive and well she'll admit it a little bad, the one who would make fun of Xander and tell her stories from his past and not be ashamed to be himself. Then there was the fact he'd said he loved her, even if it wasn't in "that way".
"Prove it." Dawn said seriously. She looked him straight in the eyes as she spoke.
"Take my away from here"
Spike stared at her, in her room that was littered with objects with tags on them that had clearly been stolen. Piles of homework left untouched, her shirt and bra on the floor. He looked into her big sad eyes, wet with tears, as she clutched the comforter around her begging him to take her away from this awful place. She had all the vulnerability of a small child and all the wisdom of an old woman when she spoke.
And as soon as the request left her lips Spike knew he would oblige. Because how could she heal in this god-awful town where she'd seen so much pain? Who would even try to stop them from leaving?
In that instant it was settled that they would leave Sunnydale.