This is my first fan fic, yes; I understand that Craig is a bit out of character and that I did go into a bit extensive detail about the physical descriptions of the characters.
I apologise for any spelling or grammar mistakes, English is not my first language.
I do not own South Park.
Becoming Greg Birch
"Oh hey look, Kyle's back!" Bebe shouted pointing to the door. I looked down the hall and saw a long white stick followed by a boy with sunglasses adorning his eyes. I felt a jolt of guilt strike in my gut; I knew that I had caused this just a year ago. I, Craig Tucker, or Craig Fucker, as Stan had so kindly started calling me, had caused an innocent boy to lose his eyesight at just fourteen years of age. His hair was combed carefully into loose curls that framed his pixie like face. His face wasn't the only thing pixie like, he was almost half a foot shorter than the second shortest boy in the school; Tweek. As he inched nearer I saw that he had lost a considerable amount of weight, he was thin before so this worried me a bit.
"What are you staring at?" I turned around and looked down at Clyde who was about a foot shorter than I was.
"Nothing, just waiting for Kyle to come beat me with his stick or something." I muttered, only half joking.
"I wouldn't doubt if he did, I mean, if he could see you." Clyde said with a light snicker causing his dark brown eyes to light up. I rolled my eyes and turned back to my locker after gazing at Kyle one last time. He was talking to Stan, stupid Stan the Man Marsh. I hated him! With his tall, lean, slightly muscular body, his black hair and piercing blue eyes, Stan could have anyone he wanted. Except me, my heart only belonged to one person and one person only.
I sighed, knowing that Kyle would probably never want me, I surpassed everyone on the height scale, reaching 6'10, and I had arms that were too long for my body. That coined me the nickname Ape Boy. My black hair was always greasy and my steel grey eyes always seemed to scare people off instead of attracting them to me. I had grown a pencil thin moustache on my upper lip but I considered shaving it after Clyde told me it looked stupid. I hadn't yet though, I wasn't sure if listening to Clyde's advice was the right thing to do. Just then I felt a slight warm force bump into me and I found myself staring down at the top of Kyle's red hair.
"Sorry." He muttered backing up off of me. I didn't say anything for fear that Kyle might realise just who he had bumped into. I guess he took this as a sign of me being pissed off because he shrugged his shoulders and continued walking down the hall.
"Hey." I heard the voice of my friend Token call. Surprisingly, Token didn't get as tall as everyone thought he would, at 5'8, he was two inches shorter than Clyde.
"Hey, what's up?" I asked.
"Did you know that Kyle's back?"
I nodded.
"Maybe you should go apologise to him or something, I mean he just might forgive you." Token said with a charming smile. I just shook my head, Kyle would never forgive me. Token shrugged,
"Suit yourself." He said continuing down the hall to his debate class. Token had decided awhile back to follow in his father's footsteps and become a lawyer. Kyle's father was also a lawyer, but I knew that he never wanted to be a lawyer. He bitched about how his mother kept constantly trying to get him into debate and all that other stuff.
"You need to stop blaming yourself; you didn't know it would have happened." I heard a voice say behind me. I turned around and found myself looking into amber eyes of Wendy Testaburger. She had changed quite a bit over the years; she was the tallest girl in the school at 6'1. She had gotten her straight black hair cut short into a pixie cut, and since she was as thin as a rail people sometimes mistook her for a boy. I knew Wendy didn't care though, she had long ago stopped trying to fit into the popular crowd and she stopped caring about every little thing people thought about her. I admired her for that.
"How did you know?" I asked my best female friend. After Clyde had ditched me for Bebe and Bebe had ditched Wendy for Clyde, we found solace in each other. Nothing sexual though, our relationship was purely platonic.
"I just know these things." Wendy said giving a sly smile. I can't help but to smile back; which is something I rarely do. Just as I was about to say something, I saw Token's girlfriend Nichole walking towards us. Nichole and Token had gotten together in the fourth grade and they had been together since then. They haven't broken up once unless you count the time when Nichole thought Token was only with her because they're the same race.
"Hi!" She greeted cheerfully when she saw us. Wendy just rolled her eyes and muttered a light 'hi' before walking off. Nichole is a sweet girl, possibly the sweetest girl I have ever met. She was always willing to lend a helping hand and to be there for whoever needed help no matter who it was. Yet, Wendy didn't like her and I didn't know why. It was possibly because she was beautiful. With her dark brown skin, braided hair adorned with colourful beads, large sparkling brown eyes, long, graceful fingers and legs, Nichole was easily one of the most beautiful girls in the school. It's not that Wendy wasn't pretty; it's just that, Nichole was in a league of her own.
"Hi Nichole, what's up?" I said.
"I was wondering if you would like to come to my pool party this Saturday." She said smiling, showing off her straight, pearly white teeth. I started doing an internal debate in my head, trying to decide if I wanted to go or not. It would probably be fun, but on the other hand, Nichole probably invited losers like Butters and Tweek, she probably even invited Kyle.
"I'll see if I can go." I finally said after a few minutes of contemplating.
"Okay, great!" Nichole said cheerfully before skipping off. Just then, the bell rang and I reluctantly walked to my first class of the day; Science.
When I went into the Science classroom, I groaned when I saw that each desk had a little green paper apple on it with different students' names on them. What did they think we were in? Elementary school?
"Class, sit down, as you can see, I assigned you seats, now sit down." The man said in a fast, rushed voice, like his mouth worked ahead of his brain. I sighed and sat down in the desk with my name on it. My desk was two rows back and three seats to the left. I was pretty much right smack dab in the middle. My heart nearly stopped in my throat when I saw Kyle take the seat next to mine. Why was he in this class? Why wasn't he in the Special Ed class with Timmy and Jimmy? Just then, he took out a small laptop sized device that looked like a type writer.
"What's that?" I asked finally letting my curiosity get the better of me.
"It's called a brailler, it's like a type writer but the keys are in braille so it makes it possible for me to type up my notes." Kyle said with a light smile that showed off his slightly crooked teeth. I was shocked; obviously he recognised my voice, why wasn't he yelling at me?
"Oh, that's cool." I said a bit shakily, as if Kyle might suddenly strike up and knock me out with his stick. Kyle wrung his hands and looked down in his lap before blushing furiously.
"So, who are you? I've never been good at putting faces and voices together but I'm going to guess Clyde." He finally said letting out a huge sigh, as if saying that lifted a heavy weight from his chest.
"I'm Greg, I'm new." I lied. I wanted to find out how Kyle truly felt about me before I revealed my true self.
"Gregory? The self-righteous dick?" Kyle asked with confusion. I shook my head and then I mentally face palmed myself after I realised Kyle couldn't see my actions.
"No, Greg Birch." I said thinking of the surname of one of my favourite actresses.
"That's a nice name." Kyle said with a light smile. I couldn't help but to smile back, here this boy was supposed to hate me and he was talking with me like I was a good friend.
"Alright class, listen up." The teacher said meekly, trying to sound tough as he ran his hand across his already sweating forehead.
"I decided that since it's the first day of school, you may feel free to talk amongst yourselves." He said before literally diving into his desk chair and burying his nose in a book. Kyle looked disappointed, Science was his favourite subject, and he was probably looking forward to learning something new. I, however, was as happy as a pig in a mud puddle.
"So, I guess since we're next to each other we should talk or something, that is if you want." Kyle said with a hint of nervousness.
"Yea, that will be fun." I said with a smile.
"So, how are you?" Kyle asks, reaching into his hoodie pocket. I'm about to ask what he's doing when he pulls out an eraser and starts chewing on it.
"What are you doing?" I asked with my left eyebrow cocked. I am currently in awe of what the small boy in front of me is doing. Why didn't I ever notice him doing this before?
"I have pica; I prefer to eat erasers and other things of the same sort of substance, rubber I guess." He said like it was no big deal at all.
"Ha, Jew boy likes to eat rubbers." I heard a voice behind me snicker; I turned around and saw myself staring into the light brown eyes of Eric Cartman. Cartman had changed a bit, at six foot six he was the second tallest person in the school. He had his brown hair cut into crew cut and he had a pair of horn rimmed glasses perched up on his pudgy nose. He was still fat, but with his height he looked extremely intimidating and it was difficult for people to make fun of his weight.
"Shut up Cartman." I muttered rolling my eyes at him.
"Or what Greg?" He asked with a raised brow. I sighed, knowing he had won this one.
"That's what I thought." He said with a smirk, focusing his attention on the story he was writing. Cartman wrote stories a lot, they were mostly full of gore and so graphic that they could put The Human Centipede to shame, but some were good.
"Thanks for standing up for me; I really don't feel like messing with that fat shit today." Kyle said touching my arm lightly. My heart started pounding in my chest and I could feel a hot blush rise to my face. I was grateful that Kyle couldn't see.
"No problem." I said smiling at him.
"So, tell me about yourself."
"What do you want to know?" I ask, stalling for time because I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to say. Kyle chews on his eraser and wrinkles his forehead as he thinks.
"What's your favourite subject?" He finally asks.
"Math." I answer easily. He wrinkles his nose a bit in distaste, if there is one Jewish stereotype that Kyle doesn't fit into; it's the affinity with Math.
"Mine is Science." He says finally. Just then, the bell rings.
"What's your next class?" Kyle asks picking up his brailler and putting it back into his bag before unfolding his stick. The length of time it takes him to do it isn't as long as I thought it would be. I guess he learned a lot in the year he was off recovering and going to the blind school up in North Park.
"English." I say, hoping he has the same class.
"Aw, I have Maths." He says with a slight pout.
"What do you have after?" I ask, curious to see what classes I have with him.
"Well, my schedule is Science, Maths, Home Economics, History, Lunch, English, and Gym." He says. I wonder how he can participate in Gym and Home Economics but I say nothing, instead I start telling him my classes.
"I have Science, English, Shop Class, History, Lunch, Maths, and Gym."
"At least we have three classes together." He says with a light smile. I nod and smile, but I wish I could have more classes with him.
"We better go; we don't want to be late." I say, not really wanting to leave. He nods with agreement and takes off down the hall, as fast as he's daring to go. I quickly run and plop down in the only seat left open in my English room a millisecond before the bell rings. I groan when I turn and see it's by Stan Marsh.
"Hey Craig Fucker." He greets me with a sneer, showing off his perfectly white straight teeth. He looked like a fucking shark. Everything about him was perfect, his hair, his skin, his teeth, his clothes, you name it. Fucking perfect.
"Why do you hate me so much?" I finally ask after a year of being tortured by Stan. I guess seeing Kyle had finally given me the courage to stand up to him.
"Why do I hate you? I can't believe you're asking me this! Um, let's see, you blind my best friend and then you steal my girlfriend." He says with pure malice dripping out of his mouth.
"I didn't steal your girlfriend, Wendy is with Henrietta." I say with a slight eye roll before flipping him off. His blue eyes widen in shock at hearing this.
"The Goth?" He asks with shock. I don't say anything, I just nod, amused at how shocked he is about this.
"Oh hey fellas, can I borrow a pencil?" Butters asks rubbing his knuckles together nervously, a habit he has been doing since he was young. Butters has changed quite a bit, he was tall, about six foot four, and kind of chubby. He looked a bit like Neville in the first few Harry Potter films with short blond hair.
"Sure." Stan says handing him a pencil while I just flip him off. Butters gave me an expression of hurt before walking back to his desk.
"Alright class, everyone take out your literature books and open them to page one sixty-two." The teacher, Mrs Tallow, said walking up to the front of the classroom. Heidi raised a perfectly manicured hand in the air.
"Why aren't we starting at page one?" She asks in her annoying high pitched voice.
"Just do as I say." Mrs Tallow said with slight annoyance. I shrugged and opened my book and saw the story that we would be reading was called The Gift of the Magi.
"What did you all think?" Mrs Tallow said after she had finished reading the story, she had said that we would be doing popcorn reading before the week was over.
"It was so sad how Della cut her long beautiful hair off so she could get her husband a chain for his pocket watch." Bebe said dabbing her green eyes with a handkerchief.
"Yea, but too bad the douche already sold his watch so he could get some stupid chick some hair things for her stupid hair." Cartman scoffed.
"It wasn't stupid! It was totally romantic but I doubt you could understand that!" A girl from the other side of the room snapped. Pretty soon, a full blown argument was going on about whether Jim was a douche for selling his pocket watch. Mrs Tallow just watched the fight with a pleased gleam in her pale blue eyes. I just sat there and flipped everyone off. I was grateful when the bell finally rang and it was time to go to Shop Class. When I arrived in the shop building, the teacher pointed a meaty finger at me and told me to get out.
"Why?" I protested.
"Apparently you started a huge fight during Shop Class in elementary school and I was told not to let you in my class, I already enrolled you in Home Economics." He said in a deep gruff voice. I sighed with annoyance and flipped him off before heading over to the other end the school to Home Economics. On the plus side, I would be in the same class as Kyle, but I didn't want to be making muffins all through grade ten! When I arrived at the Home Economics classroom, I quickly shoved past Butters and took a seat beside Kyle.
"I was going to sit there!" Butters whined before pouting.
"Too bad." I muttered flipping him off. Butters gave me a slight glare before taking a seat beside Tweek.
"Gahh! This is too much pressure man!" Tweek screamed out tugging at his wild blond hair. I rolled my eyes; the teacher hadn't even entered the classroom yet.
"What if the teacher was abducted by aliens, man? What if that's why she isn't here yet!?" Tweek screamed out with his small body shaking. I cocked my eyebrow, thinking about how he kind of read my mind.
"It's okay, she'll be here soon." Butters said putting a soothing hand on Tweek's back. As if on cue, the teacher arrived carrying a basket of realistic looking pretend babies.
"As you can see, I am starting your semester project a little early." She said holding up the basket for the kids in the back to see.
"Why?" Clyde asked from behind me.
"The principal said he wants the middle school to participate in taking care of these babies too since so many twelve year olds think that it's cool to get pregnant." The teacher muttered with a sigh.
"What do we have to do?" Clyde then asked.
"Find a partner and take care of this baby for the next month, there is a camera in the baby so it will be monitored if you curse at it or something."
"Didn't we do this in the third grade?"
"You're full of questions today aren't you Clyde?" The teacher said raising a brow. Clyde shrugged and sank a bit in his seat.
"This will be much harder than taking care of an egg, this baby will cry, ear piercing howls, and it will be very hard to stop. You will be graded on how well you take care of your baby, how many times it cries, what you say to it, and how long it takes you to quiet it without breaking it, understood?"
The class nodded.
"Will we be able to pick which gender we want?" A girl towards the front asked.
"No, after you pick a partner, one of you will come up to the front and draw a name out of this basket, be warned though, on some of the papers they have twins!" The teacher exclaimed.
"Want to be partners?" I asked Kyle.
"Sure." He said lightly. Behind me I could hear Cartman snigger and call us 'fags' under his breath. I rolled my eyes, why the hell was he in all of my classes? I almost started laughing when Butters walked up to Cartman's table.
"Would you like to be partners?" He asked nervously.
"Fuck off Butters." Cartman said shooting the boy down. Butters hung his head dejectedly and trudged slowly towards the other side of the room.
"You're lucky Butters asked you, it's not like anyone else is going to!" Kyle snapped.
"Please Kahl; everyone would rather be with me than a kid who can't even see." Cartman scoffed.
"He can't help if he can't see." Clyde said coming to Kyle's rescue, Kyle smiled at him. I however wanted to punch him, I was supposed to be Kyle's knight in shining armour, not Clyde.
"Whatever, people would still rather be with me than that Jew." Cartman said.
"Then why does he already have a partner and you don't?" I said with a sneer. Cartman crossed his arms and turned back to his story, knowing that he had lost this argument. I then started to wonder why Cartman hadn't blown my cover to Kyle, he could have easily won the argument that way and knowing Cartman, he didn't give up that early.
"Meet me after class." I whispered to him. Cartman raised a brow at me.
"I suppose I could fit you into my busy schedule." He said with slight annoyance. About fifteen minutes later, Butters had finally paired up with Tweek and Cartman ended up being partners with Bebe.
"Why aren't you partners with Bebe?" I asked Clyde.
"We broke up last week." Clyde said with a light shrug of his shoulders. I felt kind of bad when I noticed that he was the only one without a partner. The teacher noticed this too.
"Clyde, it looks like you're our single parent, it is okay though, and there are a lot of single parents in real life." The teacher said. Clyde nodded. I was surprised he didn't cry; Clyde is pretty sensitive.
"Alright, Butters and Tweek, come draw a gender out of the basket." The teacher said after over half the class had already received theirs. Red and Jason ended up getting twins.
"We got a girl!" Butters exclaimed after he had unfolded the small piece of paper that he had pulled out of the basket.
"Congratulations." The teacher said placing a baby in a pink hat in Tweek's arms. As soon as she did that, the baby let out an ear piercing howl.
"Ah! It's going to kill me!" Tweek screeched out dropping the baby. The baby's head fell off and started rolling towards Bebe.
"Attack of the demon baby head!" Someone screamed causing Bebe to screech out and jump on her desk.
"Oh hamburgers! My daughter is dead! I am getting an F for sure!" Butters cried out before tearing out of the classroom.
"Here's our chance to talk." Cartman muttered, grabbing me with his meaty hands and pulling me out into the hall.
"So, how can I be of service?" He asked, trying to sound as professional as possible.
"Why didn't you blow my cover to Kyle? I mean you could have easily won the argument that way."
When I said this, Cartman started to chuckle lightly.
"All in good time Craig, all in good time." He said smugly.
"So, you're not going to tell me?" I snapped. He shook his head and his face broke out into a huge shit eating grin.
"There are some things you need to fix though, how are you going to keep your friends from blowing your cover, or your teachers for that matter? You may be able to convince your little friends to lie for you but I doubt you can convince the teachers."
I nodded because I knew he was right.
"What should I do?" I then asked.
"Go home, change your look, and pretend to be your cousin or something."
"Anything else?" I asked.
"You need to work on your attitude a bit." Cartman answered.
"What attitude?" I asked flipping him off.
"That attitude." He said pointing at my middle finger. I understood what he meant; I would have to lay low on the flipping off. It would be hard though, flipping the bird was my trade mark, hell, my parents and sister started flipping people off after they realised how fun it could be!
"Meet me after school." Cartman muttered right after the bell rang.
"Dude, guess what?" Clyde said as he started walking out of the Home Economics classroom.
"What?" I asked.
"We're doing a different project; Ms Bing said that only the females get to take care of the babies now." He said happily.
"What are we going to do?" I asked. Clyde shrugged and bit his lip thoughtfully before speaking.
"It seemed odd, how Kyle is your partner and how he's not even mad at you, well he doesn't seem mad." He said tapping his chin with his index finger.
"Maybe he has an ulterior motive." I lied; I knew exactly why Kyle wasn't being mean to me.
"It doesn't matter though, my cousin is going to come take my place tomorrow, and I don't have time to worry about Kyle." I added. Clyde's eyes widened and filled with tears as soon as those words left my mouth.
"W-why didn't you t-tell me? Will y-you be gone f-forever?" He stammered out.
"I'll only be gone a little while, my mother called me before Home Economics and said that my aunt called and said she wanted her beach bum surfer son to see what snow was like."
Clyde nodded and a light smile appeared on his face.
"I suppose that could be nice." He said.
"Yea, maybe you can teach him how to build a snow fort or something." I shrugged before heading off to History class.
As soon as I walked into the classroom, Cartman threw a wadded up piece of paper at me which ended up hitting me in the chest.
"Read it." He mouthed at me silently after I had glared at him. I flipped him off and unrumpled the paper before reading it.
Dear Craig (Greg),
I am pleased to inform you that I have accepted to be your mentor on helping you fool the school. There are a few important things that need to be done though.
We must change your look, wardrobe and everything.
I stopped reading for a minute, I never asked him for his help and I didn't see what my wardrobe had to do with anything. I wasn't even sure if I wanted his help, I mean all of his plans seem to go awry but on the other hand, desperate times call for desperate measures. I sighed and continued reading.
Change your voice a little; stop using the same boring monotone voice that is a part of Craig Tucker. You can still use it around Kyle since he is apparently too stupid to know it's you.
Remember all the stories you make up about your false identity and don't make up anything too bizarre.
Don't invite anyone over to your house.
Don't immediately flock to Clyde and Token; hang out with people you don't usually hang out with.
Sincerely,
Eric T Cartman.
I read over Cartman's 'rules' before writing back a response on my own piece of paper.
Dear Cartman,
I can honestly say that I'm not thrilled at the idea of your help, but I guess I do need it. I told Clyde that my cousin will be switching places with me tomorrow; I also told him that he is a beach bum surfer guy. Should he be from Florida or California? They both seem to be where a surfer guy would be from.
From,
Craig.
I crumpled up the piece of paper and threw it at Cartman who read it and started to write his response. As he was doing that, I directed my attention over to Kyle who was sitting across the room and chewing on his eraser.
"Stop staring Mr Tucker." Mr Cork muttered, taking his off of the paper he was reading. At the sound of my surname, I could see Kyle snap his head up and look wildly across the room. His lips were pursed in a way that either looked like anger or fear; I suspected it could be both.
"It's okay Kahl, don't fear the big bad Craig, he's leaving tomorrow." Cartman called out to the frantic boy. I couldn't believe that Cartman had tried to calm Kyle down (in his own weird way) and that he was actually helping me even more.
"Really?" Kyle asked in a small voice.
"Yes." Cartman said before throwing another wadded piece of paper at me.
Craig,
Your 'cousin' should be from Florida. To look like a proper beach bum, we should bleach your hair and get you a spray on tan. Also, you need to shave your stupid moustache, I mean everyone and their dogs can tell it's you by looking at that thing.
From,
Eric.
I sighed, not really wanting to bleach my hair or get a spray on tan, but I decided that in the end it would be worth it.
"Are we going to have a lesson?" Wendy asked. Mr Cork shook his head.
"But we need to have a lesson, how are we going to learn anything?" She demanded. Mr Cork just grunted and continued to read his paper. Wendy glared and stomped out of the classroom. I expected Mr Cork to tell her to come back in and sit down, he didn't though, and he just continued to read that damn paper. I was glad when the hell had finally rung and I was able to go to lunch. I had made it half way through the day without Kyle figuring out who I was. I could tell by his expression when he heard my name in History that he wasn't going to forgive me anytime soon. After I received my lunch (a tuna fish sandwich with tater tots) I went and sat at my usual table. I felt the bile rush up into my throat when I saw Stan with his arms around Kyle, they were sitting from the table across from mine. I angrily slammed the fork down into one of my tots and shoved it in my mouth, of course they would end up being together, and everyone could spot it from a mile off.
"Hey, what's wrong? Did your tater tots say something you didn't like?" Clyde teased as he came and sat down.
"Nope." I answered simply; I didn't want to tell him the real reason of my anger. I then felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off my shoulder when I saw Rebecca walk over to Stan and kiss him full on the lips.
At Gym class, I was disappointed to see that Kyle was not in there, he had told me that he had Gym this hour, in fact, all grade ten boys had Gym this hour.
"Where's the Jew? I wanted to pummel him." Cartman asked Stan, I didn't much like he said about wanting to pummel Kyle, but I was glad he asked.
"He's scared, he knows Craig will be in here, he lied to the coach and said he wasn't feeling well, so the coach told him to go lay down in the nurse's office." Stan replied.
"Damn, Craig must have really fucked him up." Cartman muttered.
"He did, when Kyle was in the hospital, he kept waking up and screaming about Craig trying to kill him." Stan said shooting the basketball in the hoop, we were supposed to be having a shoot off, but instead we were all mostly just talking and doing the occasional shooting.
"Did Craig blind Kyle on purpose?" Kenny asked, I hadn't even noticed he was there.
"Kyle said that Craig told him that he would never be able to see my pretty smile ever again, I think that sentence says it all, that Craig did mean to blind Kyle." As soon as those words left Stan's mouth, my own mouth opened in a shocked gasp. Yes, I had said that to Kyle, but I meant that I was going to knock out all of Stan's teeth so he wouldn't have his pretty smile anymore, not that I was going to blind Kyle!
"How did he know that Kyle wasn't going to move out of the way?" Kenny asked.
"Everyone knows Kahl has the slowest reflexes known to man." Cartman said with a yawn. So much for trying to help me. As if Cartman was reading my mind, he turned to me and gave me a slight wink, I guess to show me he was still on my side. After Gym ended, I quickly slipped out of the school with Cartman close behind me.
"Are you ready to become Greg Birch?" He asked when we stepped out onto the grass.