Pain
by Arel o Imladris
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So would you please just
Take my hand
And take my whole live, too.
'Cause I can't help
Falling in love with you.
I can't help
Falling in love
Falling in Love
I keep falling in love
With
You.
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It hurt to think about him, it truly did. When he had been young, apparently thousands of years ago, it had seemed exaggerated to say, that love could hurt. Of course, love then had been a crush and a blush and admiration for beauty. Love now... Beyond reality.
Admiration, care, comfort; passion of course. Heaps of passion.
I hurt to think about him, that he wouldn't come back. That he was gone for bad. Gone. Vanished. Dead. The thought hurt deep inside his chest, like somebody trying to split his heart open, to tear the inside apart using a spoon. It made even just breathing difficult. He was gone now, never to come back no matter how much he wanted to deny it, wanted to wake up from this nightmare, wanted to feel his embrace again in the morning before the world awoke and even the birds were sleeping still.
It hurt to remember those countless nights he simply lay there, holding him, feeling him, touching him. Keeping him real. Proving,that he was still there. When his love woke up, he tended to blink sheepishly a few times before he could fully comprehend where he was and why he was held. Just as if he also was amazed every day again how anybody could love him. Holding his lover had been his most favourite night time activity, for he felt more real then.
It hurt to remember, how he had held him also then, almost crushing him, trying to force live into him, to save him. The fact, that he had caused this death was a heavy burden he had been carrying around for now thousands of years, millions of live times, so that it had become part of his very being. Nothing he ever did had ended well, nobody he ever love had lived long. He couldn't forget him, couldn't stop loving him. Not for lack of trying. He had lost count of his bed partners sometimes during his 5th millenia. Even the people he loved, had never been able to compensate this one lost. He just couldn't stop. Felt in love with him again every time he replayed in his mind all those moments they had spent together.
But the deepest, most aching pain, haunting him until now, until the very end, was how he had never told him he loved him. Loved him still. Would love him until the end of time, truly and deeply. He had not told him that even once. Not when he had first realized his feelings, not when his loved had finally confessed to him, not when they had been crying together on the floor. This pain was all he felt, now that he was finally, truly dying for the last time. All he had ever managed to say, had been one word over and over again: Don't.
Don't.
Don't tell me
Don't talk now
Don't love me
Don't.
loving me kills people...
I ache... Everything aches...
my heart... breaking again...
Ianto.
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For Ianto and Jack.
May they always meet.