You know what to do
~ Putting her trust in that man just means it will hurt her more in the end. ~
She has been together with Shunsui for 5 years now. The first 3 years had been amazing. A man had never been that sweet to her before. He was annoyingly overprotective, but he also made her feel safe and wanted.
I will never lie to you Nanao-chan, I promise
She believed him then. She really thought he would never lie to her. How could she have been this naive? After he injured his back in a car accident the doctor gave prescription drugs. but after a while she noticed he slowly became addicted to them.
I will always take care of you
She began to notice the drugs took her place. She just wasn't that important to him anymore. Instead of cooking meals he worried about the next time he could get high. Instead of picking her up from work he stayed home to use drugs. She slowly saw him slipping away.
A pretty lady like you shouldn't walk home by herself
It was the first thing he said when he met her. She had been annoyed by that at the time, thinking he thought she was just weak little girl. But it soon became an habit she enjoyed. They always talked during their little walks and in the winter he kept her warm. Now she feels cold, not only because of the winter breeze but he wasn't there to hold her anymore.
It was enough, she was fed up with it. She needed to confront him about this even though she knows this won't easy.
"Shunsui, can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Ofcourse Nanao-chan." He didn't even bother to lift up his head.
He used to be a man who knew no personal space. This distant cold display hurts her. But she has to remind herself she was not dealing with him right now but with a disease.
"Shunsui, I can't go on like this much longer. Ever since you have became addicted to your prescription drugs you've done nothing but hurt me." She just said. No reason to cover up the truth, she wanted to be direct about this.
He finally looked up but his eyes were still distant and cold. How much she missed the warmth in them now, how much she missed him.
"Nanao-chan, I'm not addicted to prescription drugs. I need this medicine for my back." He said flatly. The Shunsui she used to know always spoke with passion. She wanted that Shunsui back no matter what.
"Haven't you noticed at all how much you changed?" She said with so much emotion she always used to lack. He was the one to teach her to break off her walls and become more in touch with her emotions. With him acting so cold right now was just like a smack in her face. She needed to get through to him, today.
He just shrugged and didn't answer. It was making her frustrated.
"Are you not going to give me an answer?" She asked. In the past it used to be him who wouldn't stop asking until he knew what was going on. Maybe he was already too far in it and was it just too late. But she loved this man, she wouldn't give up on him. Not this time. He wouldn't give up on her either.
"What do you want me to say? You're just nagging me." He replied.
"I don't want this anymore, Shunsui. You need to go to rehab."
"I don't need to go to rehab, Nanao-chan." He said with tension rising in his voice.
He was getting angry with her. At least he showed some emotion now, even if it is anger. She prepared herself for this, she was ready for it.
"You will go to rehab or else I'll leave and you will never see me again."
He finally stood up. He looked even angrier now but she wouldn't budge.
"I don't have a problem." He said dangerously slow.
"You do have a problem." She pointed out. "If you don't agree to go to rehab I will leave for good. Because I refuse to pretend you are okay."
She walked out of the door, praying he would stop her. She slowly closed the door behind her. He never did.
Weeks passed and she finally found her own apartment after crashing at her best friend's house for a while. She sighed, she really hoped Shunsui would change his mind.
She was tempted to visit him a few times but she never did. She knew if she did that she would be sucked in this negative spiral again and that's something she didn't want to deal with anymore.
She prayed for him every night though. She prayed he would realise he's sick before it's too late. She often wondered if she could have done more for him. Maybe if she realised sooner he was becoming addicted to his prescription drugs she could have prevented this mess. She could have prevented it all.
Weeks turned into months and she still thought about him everyday. She thought about the old Shunsui who would give her flowers and did do anything to cheer her up when she was in a bad mood. And she thought of the sick Shunsui wondering if he tried to better his life. She wanted to know how he is doing, so she called his best friend Jushiro Ukitake. But he hadn't heard of him in a while either. He couldn't help her.
Her best friend Rangiku set her up on a few dates with other guys. She couldn't allow herself to enjoy those dates with Shunsui in the back of her mind. Dating is something she wouldn't do again in the near future. Her heart still belongs to Shunsui, and she wonders if that will always be the case.
Months turned into a whole year. It's been a whole year since the last time she saw him. And even now she still couldn't stop thinking about him. She wondered if he is still alive and shuddered, deciding not to dwell on that.
She was surprised when the doorbell rang. She opened the door she gasped. Shunsui stood there.
He quickly pulled her in a tight embrace but she pushed him back. "What is the meaning of this?"
"I'm so sorry Nanao-chan." He said softly. She looked into his eyes. She could see a mix of hurt, compassion and sorrow. That's when she realised he's back. The old Shunsui is back.
"Shunsui." She said softly. "I've waited so long for this."
Shunsui started crying and this time she was the one to hug him. She couldn't stop her own tears from falling too. They just stood there for a few minutes, neither of them saying a word. She was the first one to speak.
"You've hurt me Shunsui." That was all she said. She wanted him to acknowledge everything he had done to her. Then she would be able to forgive him.
"I know." He said. "It pains me that I was the one to hurt you, hurt I should have protected you from. I am so ashamed you had to walk home all by yourself late at night, I am ashamed you had to do everything around the house but I am mostly ashamed by all the things I did and said to you to hurt you. I'm truly sorry Nanao-chan. Do you think you can ever forgive me? I would understand ofcourse if you couldn't."
"Not right now. But I think I eventually will. I just need time." She pulled out of the embrace. Their tears dried, she felt relieved. These past few years had been anything but easy. But he is back and they have time to sort things out.
He nodded in understanding and even though she couldn't forgive him just yet he could feel her acceptance and for now that was more than he could have asked for.
"What happened to you?" She asked.
It was a question he didn't want to answer. But after everything he had done.. Everything he had done to her he couldn't deny her anything anymore. He sighed.
"After you left I hit rock bottom. I thought you would return in a few days when you left but you never did. And I think that's a good thing because it took me long realise what I missed. You were the only one having a job and with me spending all my money on drugs I couldn't afford the apartment anymore. I got kicked out and lived on the streets for a while. Instead of spending the little bit money I had on food I bought drugs. I wasn't just taking the prescripted ones anymore. I wanted more. One day I realised what I missed, I wanted to kill myself. But I also thought of you, I wanted to get clean and get you back. So I went to rehab for 2 months.. And it took me another 2 months to find the courage to visit you. It wasn't easy, because I am so ashamed for all the things I've done to you." He paused for a second. "I still love you, Nanao-chan."
"I still love you Shunsui." She said softly. How could she still love that man after all these years? After all the things he did to her she still couldn't stop loving him.
"Oh Nanao-chan." He kissed her quickly. But she wanted more, after all this time she still wanted more. She kissed him back and let him feel all the passion, let him feel all the things he had missed all this time. All the things she missed all this time. he had to realise if he never wanted to make that same mistake again.
Finally she pulled away. "We can start things slowly, Shunsui. We will date a few times a week and see whatever happens. It will take some time for me to trust you again."
"You've always been hard to get, Nanao-chan." He teased.
She just smiled. He was acting like himself again. She was positive it would all be okay in the end.
After a few dates they started to become comfortable around each other again. He was back to his old playful self and she noticed how much healthier he looked now. She invited him to live with her again which he gladly accepted.
"What are you making Shunsui?" She said sniffing at the wonderful smell in the kitchen.
"It's a surprise, sweetheart." He said and smiled to himself. Things were going perfect. He sat down at the table and served her dinner. "I want to ask you something Nanao-chan."
"What is it, Shunsui?"
He got down on one knee and took her hand. "Will you marry me?"
She looked at him and was tempted to say yes, but she wondered if it was too soon. They have only been together for a couple of months now. "It's too soon. I'm sorry." She finally answered.
He looked a little heartbroken but he quickly schooled his features. "I understand sweetheart." He kissed her knuckles. "I will give you all the time you need."
If he would have asked 3 years ago, before he injured his back she would have said yes. Right now she needed to be really sure he wouldn't fall back into his old him again will be harder than she originally thought.
"I want to be engaged to you eventually, Shunsui. But I think we first should spend more time together." She said.
"It's allright, Nanao-chan. I said I would give you all the time you need. I mean it."
He kissed her and she melted into his touch. It felt so good to have the warm, understanding and gentle Shunsui back. She started to forgive him, things will be perfect from now on.
"I will walk you to work tomorrow." He said.
"That's not necessary Shunsui." She said with a smile.
"I insist."
She rolled her eyes but she still smiled. His annoying overprotective nature was back but that just made him him.
but in the months after that she noticed some small changes in him. He was a little more distant and sometimes he seemed off. She wondered if he started taking drugs again but shook the thought away. He just couldn't do that after everything he put her through. She wasn't sure if she could deal with it again. But maybe it was just something else. She hoped it was something else.
"What is it sweetheart?" He asked after she sat next to him on the balcony. He just wrapped an arm around her and pulled her closer.
"I was just wondering how you are doing. You seem off."
"I just have a hard time because I started my new job. Nothing serious is going on sweetheart." He looked at her and gave her a smile but it didn't reach his eyes. He was still off. His eyes portrayed no emotion.
He looked away realising she was studying him. But he always looks away when he lies to her. That's what he had done in the past. She sighed but didn't comment on it further.
The next day she followed him when he left for work. She didn't know much about his new job. She also felt bad for spying on in, like she doesn't trust him. That's when she realised she doesn't trust him, at all. He was off and she needed to know why. She hoped it wasn't what she thought it was.
She thought it was odd when he walked into a bar. An ex-addict shouldn't work there. But then she saw he ordered something and she didn't know what it was but it wasn't coffee. She felt herself getting sick. This couldn't be real. No, no, no.. But yet there he was sitting drinking it. Was this his so-called new job? She was getting angry at him and stormed in.
"How could you!?" She yelled. "How can you put me through this again?" Her voice croaked and she stormed out. Everyone was looking at her but she didn't notice. She sat down on the street and broke down in tears.
She felt a hand on her shoulder but she shrugged it off. "Nanao-chan." He said softly and she knew it was him.
"Don't you dare touch me now." She hissed turning around.
"I'm so sorry Nanao-chan." Was all he said. "I didn't want to."
"Yet you did. You told me you were sorry before, remember? And do you remember how ashamed you were for putting me through this? And you dare to seek me out and do it again. I hate you."
"Nanao-chan, it was just one mistake. It won't happen again." He said softly.
"It won't happen again because I won't let you. I'm done with you. I will leave now and I never want see you ever again. If you set one foot in my house again you will regret it."
She turned around and left. She never saw him again.
Thanks for reading.
Life is to long.