Now That I'm Older
Hi guys, it's me again! Basically I started this like, freaking ages ago, forgot that I started it, and found it yesterday when cleaning up my documents! I thought what the hell, and I finished it but please forgive the clunkiness because this by any means lacks flow and rhythm, but I thought you might enjoy it! I don't know, I guess I'm just a sucker when it comes to thinking about Jess and Nick with a baby. It's my weakness. And, though this is very much Nick and Jess, it's kind of Caroline centric? I don't know, I just feel like the show makes her a very one dimensional character and there must be more to her than just an evil bitch? Or maybe that's just me, reading too much into light-hearted comedies. Oh, and the title of this comes from a You Me At Six song. I'm just a walking cliché, aren't I?
Reviews make me smile.
Caroline sighed heavily as her phone vibrated on the table in front of her, the screen lighting up with the name of the guy she met at the bar last night – the most recent in a long line. Ignoring the call, she screwed her eyes up tightly, the pounding in her head (brought on by the excessive amounts of tequila shots she drank last night; she swore she'd never touch it again but, then again, she said that last week) making her stomach churn, and willing the painkillers she took an hour ago to take effect. The coffee she'd nursed all morning sat in front of her, the final murky brown dregs turning stone cold.
Around her, the quaint café she'd became quite fond of (the coffee here cured hangovers, she'd swear on it) hummed with activity as it slowly came to life, the life within it unfurling like the petals of a flower on the first day of spring. Caroline guessed it must be pretty early in the morning, the sky was a watercolour mix of pastel pink and chalky blue with golden ribbons of sunlight twisting throughout, and the café was quiet, frequented with heavy eyed workers grabbing their caffeine fix in their matching charcoal grey suits and shiny black shoes. She felt the sequins of her own party dress bite into her arms and the sharp metallic taste of stale whisky on her tongue; and, quite suddenly, surrounded by all these people with a purpose; all briefcases and heads full of spread sheets and parents evenings and final deadlines, she felt extremely alone.
She was far too old for this. Drinking and partying and staying out all night. The signs were all there, she just chose to ignore them. The men (boys, she should call them) all payed her little to no attention, and the ones that do are only trying to score points by scoring a (she shudders at the word) 'MILF'. That was a rare occurrence, however, as more often than not she went home lonely. Her friends don't go out anymore, or very rarely. They've all settled down, some with a steady boyfriends, some married, and some even having babies. Even her single friends all have promising futures, boasting careers rich with promises of good money and opportunities to make something of themselves. Where was Caroline's memo to hang up the party shoes? Letting out a groan, she slumped forward on the table and cradled her head in her hands, quickly wiping away a few stray tears on the back of her sleeve, not even flinching when the black of her mascara stained the pretty white fabric.
Where had everything gone wrong? When did she stop having fun? Caroline casted her mind back to the last time she was truly, truly happy. A time when she wasn't working a dead beat job for a pittance under a boss that hates her. When her love life didn't consist of crying into a pot of Ben and Jerry's at two o'clock on a Wednesday afternoon watching re-runs of Sex and The City with her cat. Her phone rang again, and with a frustrated growl she angrily declined the call, slamming it onto the table and turned to look out of the window, noticing how the raindrops sliding down the glass were a lot prettier than her own jaded, kohl stained tears.
Caroline, her head resting in her arms, was far too gone in her own pit of self-pity combined with stinking hangover to even notice or acknowledge the new patrons that had just entered the café, or to glance up at the sound of the delicate tinkling of the doorbell as they entered. Nick's arm was draped loosely around Jess' shoulders and Jess smiled in appreciation as he held the door open for her, prompting Nick to shoot a crooked grin back. He placed a hand at the small of her back and steered her to a table, kissing her hair as he moved toward the counter to order. Jess hummed contentedly to herself as she gently rocked what appeared to be a swaddle of pink blankets cradled in her arms, her eyes lighting up as she took in her daughter's sleeping face, all scrunched up as if thinking hard about something.
"Nick," Jess said as Nick returned to the table carrying two steaming cups of tea, "Take Rosie for me? I be reportin' to the poop deck if you be hearing what I'm saying." Jess followed up her ridiculous accent with a gurning expression Nick guessed must have been her attempt at pirate.
"Really Jess?" Nick said, rolling his eyes, "In public, really? You couldn't have just said bathroom?"
"I warned you about letting me watch Pirates of The Caribbean last night Nicholas!" Jess sing-songed, gently passing Rosie over to her father. "Be right back. And, try and keep her asleep will you? Because last night she was up until-"
"Oh, I know Jess," Nick interrupted in a sarcastic tone, "I heard her. And then I also heard her beloved Uncle Schmidt referring to her as a 'prime example of the devastating affect a faulty condom have.' Props to you for your choice of godfather there, by the way. "
Jess stuck her tongue out at him at that and flounced off the bathroom, leaving Nick cradling a sleeping Rosie. Casting a look back over her shoulder, Jess felt her stomach erupt into fluttery butterflies at the sight of Nick making gooey faces at their slumbering daughter with adoration shining in his big brown eyes. She remembered the Nick she knew when they first met, the emotional wreck who worked the low pay job and who was terrified of committing to anything. The Nick that slept with strings of twenty one year olds, just because he could, and who would only surface from his room, grumpy and bleary eyed, way after the hours you could consider 'morning.' To look at him now; an amazing father, a loving boyfriend and a successful bar manager, Jess couldn't believe just how far he'd come in the space of the four years she'd known him.
"Hey, Jess?"
Jess snapped from her reverie with a start, jumping with fright and slamming her flailing body into the chair that was sat behind her, thus making her lose balance and fall to the ground in a rather ungraceful heap. Jess looked up from underneath her bangs that had fallen into her eyes from her fall to see a rather amused looking Nick grinning back at her. Rising off the floor with her chin held in the air and an indignant expression pointedly plastered on her face, she dusted off her skirt and replied: "Yes, Nicholas?"
"I just thought you were going to the bathroom, is all. You were just stood staring at me for a good five minutes." Jess flushed a deep crimson at his words and knowing grin, and once again stuck out her tongue and flounce off to the bathroom. Nick caught her arm in his grasp and spun her round suddenly.
"I love you, you know. You big weirdo." Jess' entire body flushed with joy at his words and she grinned goofily.
"I love you too. But, I really got to go to the bathroom now." With that, there was a flash of black hair and pink dress and she was gone, her 'I love you' still ringing like a pretty melody in his ears.
An abrupt bellow of thunder echoed from outside, causing Nick to jump and utter a barely concealed curse word under his breath, just as Rosie began to stir in her position in the crook of his arm.
"No, shit, shit, shit. Stay asleep baby, please? For daddy?" Nick began frantically rocking the baby in a futile attempt to keep her subdued in sleep, but it was to no avail. Rosie's big blue eyes, so like her mother has, fluttered open, and her face crumpled into the expression Jess had dubbed her 'baby turtle face.' Then, she opened her tiny mouth and an almighty wail erupted from her lungs, and Nick noticed the majority of the café go-ers to turn and look at him in disgust, silently judging him at his incapability of being able to keep his child quiet. Jess still hadn't emerged from the bathroom, so Nick sighed as he realised his last and only option. May god help him.
"I've had the time of my life," Nick started, internally dying at what he was about to do, "and I've never felt this way before. And I swear, it's the truth, and I owe it all to you." Rosie upon hearing her father start to sing immediately stopped crying and stared up at him in wonder, her big blue eyes blinking slowly. Nick, encouraged by this, continued with much more enthusiasm.
"You're the one thing I can't get enough of…"
That voice. Caroline immediately snapped to attention, eyes wide and alert, with a sudden shot of adrenaline coursing through her previously alcohol numbed veins. She knew that voice. Hell, she fell in love with that voice. Nick. Her heart thumped rapidly at the thought of seeing her previous love again, as her mind created images of running back into his arms and being protected and loved by all his flannel manliness. She'd like that. Maybe that's where she went wrong the last time, letting Nick go. He sure as hell loved her. And she totally messed him around. Maybe this was her final chance of happiness…
She snatched a spoon off the table she cast a quick look at her reflection, and grimaced at the panda eyed mess that gazed back at her. She couldn't meet Nick again looking like she'd just crawled out of a dumpster. Grabbing her possessions she raced to the bathroom in order to make herself presentable, determined to grab this chance with both of her hands. Finding the bathroom occupied, she groaned and knocked on the door.
"Hey, is anyone in there, sorry it's kind of important…" The door swung open, and Caroline's heart dropped. Jess let out a little scream/giggle of surprise, before gaping back at her in silence.
"You?" Caroline asked, a little rudely.
"Caroline!" Jess beamed, "God, how long has it been?" Caroline was caught off guard as she was suddenly met by an arm full of Jess, and she patted her on the back awkwardly.
"Hey, Jess… Listen, I don't mean to be rude, but the last time I met you I remember a much less friendly attitude…" Caroline questioned hesitantly, remembering the icy cold reaction Nick's roommates had given her at that brief stint in time when she and Nick had toyed around the idea of moving in, before he bailed on her. Jess just waved her hand airily, as if to shrug off the issue.
"Let the past be the past, am I right?" She lifted her hand as if to request a high five, before awkwardly lowering it as she realised Caroline wouldn't reciprocate the action. "So… how have you been?"
Awful. Terrible. Horrific. Those were the first words to spring to the front of Caroline's mind. But, as she met Jess' wide eyed, almost hopeful gaze, she found herself unable to admit it.
"Great, I've been great!" Caroline exclaimed, grinning falsely, "Everything's just… great." Jess was looking at her in a way that was obviously expectant, so Caroline continued. "How have you been, Jess?"
"Oh, you know…" Jess shrugged, but the smile on her face told Caroline that she'd obviously had a pretty great few years, "I'm a Mommy now!" It felt like a block of ice slithered down Caroline's stomach, freezing her insides at Jess' happy gaze, and she had to force the tears burning her eyes not to fall.
"Oh, congratulations! So… you still at the loft?" Caroline asked, genuinely interested.
"Yeah, we decided to stay after having the baby, the guys are all still there too, it's like a great big, dysfunctional family!" Jess beamed, practically radiating happiness. "So…"
"Jess, we better head back, Rosie's just spit up all over me and god knows how hard it is to get baby puke out of anything, and I love this shirt…" Nick appeared next to Jess, wrapping his arm around her waist, gaze directed at a tiny baby in his arms, wiping spit up from around her mouth. "What took you so long in the bath…" As Nick's eyes met Caroline's, all words died in his throat. Caroline froze as she saw him, saw him holding a baby, as the final piece of the puzzle seemed to slide into place.
He was with her. Nick was with Jess. They had a child together. As Caroline's gaze met Nick's, she almost exclaimed at the pair of dark eyes, so achingly familiar, yet so startlingly different. Gone was the Nick she once knew, the Nick she was once kind of a little bit in love with, the Nick she had wrapped around her little finger. In front of her stood a man, a father. Nick Miller had grown up. Caroline observed as Jess silently moved to twine her fingers through his, the little creases of worry that gathered around Nick's eyes smoothing out as he felt the reassuring touch of her hand. The intimate gesture made Caroline's throat close up, eyes blurring with tears. Rosie let out another loud cry from her comfortable position nestled in her father's arms, distracting Nick and Jess, and giving Caroline the opportunity to make a quick exit.
"Guys, I… I can't… I… gotta go." Then she whirled around, stepping into the fiercely pounding rainstorm and racing off down the street, broken heels clutched in her hand. Nick gazed at the space where she'd previously been standing, eyes dark and quiet, as his jaw clenched and unclenched, as if forming words he'd been unable to say. Jess moved closer to him, gently easing the now sleep sedated Rosie from his arms and nestling them in her own, before pressing an ever so gentle kiss to his gruff cheek.
"Go after her." Jess said, smiling. Nick stood, his figure tense and apprehensive, as if his bran was trying to make sense of five hundred situations at once.
"You sure?" Jess nodded silently, adjusting the hold she had on Rosie, "I'm sure Nicholas. You just be sure to come back to me after, okay?" She said jokingly, but Nick noted the slightly sad expression that clouded her blue eyes as she gazed up at him, noted the serious undertone to her joking attempt at a throwaway phrase. He stooped and kissed her gently on the forehead, hand grazing the newly placed gold band that rested on her fourth finger.
"Always, Miss Day." As he rushed out of the café, Jess sighed heavily, rocking her gently cooing baby girl in her arms. She mouthed 'I love you' at the door as it slammed shut.
"Caroline, Caroline wait up!" Caroline barely heard the shout over the roaring in her ears, as burning tears rubbed her tired eyes raw. Without glancing back, pride damaged enough, she kept determinedly moving forward, picking up her face into a gentle jog. A strong grip latched onto her wrist and spun her around, landing just inches in front of dark brown eyes.
"Hey." He said gently, easing his grip on her wrist just enough to allow her to snatch her arm away from his touch, as if his fingertips were on fire; singeing her skin.
"What do you want Nick? Aren't you happy enough? Haven't you got the ultimate revenge? Seeing me like this!" Caroline screamed, gesturing to herself in disgust, "I'm a wreck Nick. A wreck. And then… then there's you. You have Jess, a good job, a beautiful little girl! I have nothing. I am nothing!" Caroline collapsed forward into Nick's chest, and he sprung backwards in surprise, before stopping himself, and bringing his hands to rest on her shoulders, making small comforting noises and trying to calm her sobs.
"It will be okay Caroline, it will be okay." Nick looked down at the woman in pieces in front of him, and felt an unusual stab of pity. It seemed amazing that this woman was the one person who had the capability to break Nick's world. The one woman he sent countless nights losing sleep over, her image burned into the back of his eyelids. "Things will get better, hell, they sure did for me!" Caroline let out a weird hiccough like giggle, wiping her eyes.
"You're in a funk, that's all. I was in a funk for the longest time, after yo- uhm, well, you know." Nick blushed and Caroline smiled in a sad, nostalgic kind of way. "Then Jess came along. And falling in love with her? That's the best god damn thing I ever did. It made me want to be a better man, you know? She made everything better, she made me better. She gave me my daughter. Hell, she's the best thing that ever happened to me." Caroline gazed downward, and Nick crooked his finger under her chin, lifting her face to look at his.
"You're a strong woman; you'll get through this, Caroline." She smiled as Nick turned away, heading back to the café where Jess and his daughter were. "I'll see you around sometime."
"Thanks, Nick." Caroline said though a watery grin, and raised a hand in farewell. Just as Nick turned to enter the café, Caroline shouted with frantic desperation:
"Nick, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry about what I did to you."
Nick let out a bark of laughter and shook his head out of something that almost resembled disbelief. "You will not believe how many times I imagined you saying that exact thing to me," He shouted back, before throwing Caroline one last wave of farewell and retreating back down the street.
Caroline let out a long, shuddering breath she didn't realise she had been holding, feeling a wave of new found optimism wash over her. Warm sunbeams bathed her skin, and with a wide grin she looked to the sky and noticed that the thick blanket of grey cloud had cleared, leaving clear blue and soft gold. The storm had passed. And with that, Caroline took a deep, bracing breath; before stepping out into the day, a smile that rivalled that of Jessica Day planted firmly on her face.