Summary: John and Helen have another fight in Hollow Earth.
Pairing: Helen and John
Rating: T
LIVING IN PAIN:
John was trying in vain to tune Helen out. She was ranting and raging at him again about his bad choice to go back in time. If it wasn't a completely childish gesture John would have covered his ears. Her anger was calling foreword the beast inside of him; the malevolent energy elemental that was apart of his being. It made the anger harder to resist. John had had enough. He dropped the pack he was carrying so he could pin her against the wall. "Do honestly believe that I would do something like this without thinking it through?" he yelled.
"Yes!" Helen shouted to cover her shock. John had never out right man handled her before. Not unless she wanted him to.
"Then you never knew me at all," John dropped his arms backing away. His soul shattered. "I'm in hell, perpetual purgatory. My only freedom is in the seldom contacts we have." Turning his back on her John fought to control his raging emotions. If he wanted he could just leave and never come back. Though, that never worked. He had tried it so many times before and always he had come back to her.
"How could I have been with someone like you?" Helen seethed. She was only asking to hurt him. She knew that, but it still didn't stop her. Two people really in love only ever fought dirty when they knew it would all work out. 'You only hurt the one you love.'
"Well, we both know it wasn't my maturity you valued." He snarled at her. A long time ago Helen had called him beautiful. She had once marveled at all the things he had shown her, all the ways he had made love to her body. He had been her gothic angel fallen to earth for her to love. And now what was he; a monster.
"You Bastard!" Helen raged. It was lust that had started them, but love prevailed keeping them together. Even now she still felt the pang of love for John that confused her. Why was she so drawn to him when he had done the most awful things? Simple, the face that stared at her had made her heart swell with love. That face had risen above her in bed as they had made love. It was the face she saw in her dreams.
"Right, because I am the only one who wanted life to turn out this way!" He shouted. John was sick and tired of being the one to be blamed for everything.
"John…" Helen tried feeling very foolish for thinking the worst of him. John, in his own way, protected Helen. He tried to shield her from the worst life had to offer, from the worst he could do. Whenever she had really needed him he had been there to help her, to do what she couldn't. John was right; she did value him more as a killer. He was of more use that way. That knowledge ate at her and left her feeling guilty.
"Don't!" John turned the coldest stare he could muster on her, "You said you wanted this done, so it's done. I've tried Helen, I've tried so hard, but you refuse to free me so I am stuck like this; a monster. Find yourself another killer to use as your puppet."
"I don't know how to free you short of killing you!" Helen defended. "You say you're hell," Helen pushed away from the wall calling on her own anger, "What about me? I'm as condemned as you are. I suffer night after night with out you! I'm so alone." Instantly she put her hands over her mouth. It was too late to call the words back.
The small part of John that was still human wanted to reach out to her, to pull her into his arms, and tell her that he was sorry for all that he said. Honestly, how long could he keep up this coldness towards her? Not long, her sad blue eyes were already working him over. Damn her! John loved her too much to stay angry at her. John sighed rubbing at the back of his neck. "How did we get like this?"
Helen fisted her hands in the material of her jacket. She had been asking that question since the Ripper murders had begun. "I don't have any answers for you."
"I only wanted my life back; the life I was meant to have. I wanted a life of sanity, a life with you." He turned sorrowful eyes on her, "Every time I look at you I see blood and death and pain, that's not what I wanted for us." He looked at his own hands, "I wanted us to be together without the stain of some human's life on my hands."
"John, we only have one life and we have to live it," She took a step closer, "There are no second chances, no do over's. You just live the life you have."
"My. Life. Is. Hell." He made each word a sentence; his voice growing dark and menacing. The creature was winning, it was taking him over, and John couldn't fight forever. Against his will he went down to his knees. John had to gain some control, take back some measure of peace the creature had stolen.
"Mine isn't much better," Helen said keeping her distance from John. He was in a raw state and his emotions were all over the place.
"Let's just get this over with," John rose to his full height calling on the dead calm he had inside of him. It was a place he went to when he killed, when he needed to kill for her. It was the place where his love for her didn't exist. There was nothing human inside of him and he needed that just to stay sane. He grabbed for the pack and set off down the tunnel putting distance between him and Helen.