Author's Note: Been a while. I've been having a bit of a rough time at home, and couldn't really focus on fanfiction. I tried writing something- what I hope to be- funny. And with a Tony/Abby friendship. I love those two as friends. Also some McAbby, and a bit of McGee whump. It's a bit random, but I hope you enjoy.
Also, the part with Tony in the store was based off of an MLIA (My Life Is Average) submission from a while ago. I can't remember it exactly, but it was something like, "Today my brother went to the store to buy my friend a pregnancy test. When the cashier handed it over, he said with a straight face, 'My period is two days late. I'm worried.' The look on her face was priceless. MLIA." I don't know if pregnancy tests are in an isle, or behind a counter, so I just guessed, by the way.
Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS, MLIA, or anything. Also, I think Ziva is a bit out-of-character.
--
"Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh-" Abby muttered to herself as she exited the women's bathroom. She continued her mantra of 'craps' as she made her way to the bull pen, grabbed Tony by the arm, and forcibly pulled him out of his seat. The whole team stared at Abby.
"Abs?" Tony asked as she started dragging him towards the elevator, still muttering 'oh crap' under her breath.
"Abby? Is something wrong?" McGee asked, getting out of his chair. Abby turned around to face him. She could tell he was concerned about her- How sweet. Of course, if there was something wrong with her, it was his fault. All his fault.
"Sit, McGee!" She commanded, her grasp on Tony's arm still firm. Unwillingly, her eyes wandered to Gibbs. He didn't seem fazed as she abducted his senior field agent. "Mind if I borrow Tony for a bit?" She asked, raising Tony's forearm as she said it. He huffed indignantly.
"Hey! You should ask me before kidnapping me, you know!" He said, trying to wriggle free from Abby's grasp. She elbowed him in the side, which easily got him to stop.
"Take him," Gibbs said, then looked back to his computer and pressed a few buttons on the keyboard. "Have him back before quittin' time, though," He shrugged.
"I am not a library book!" Tony yelled as Abby dragged him into the elevator. Ziva smirked.
"You know what a library is, Tony?" She sarcastically called out. He rolled his eyes, despite knowing she couldn't see. Once the elevator doors were securely shut, Abby's grip relaxed a bit, but she still kept her hand on her friend's arm. She tightened her grip again as the elevator doors opened and she dragged him onto the floor her lab was on. Somewhere between the hallway and the doorframe, she had managed to get behind him and actually pushed him into the lab.
"Abby? Are you okay?" Tony asked, as she steered him around until she found a chair to push him into. Abby kept opening her mouth to say something, but always shut it and looked away, shame clear on her face. "Did I do something wrong?" He asked. Abby shook her head, no. "Do you want me to go get you a Caf-Pow?" At the very mention of her favorite drink, Abby got hysterical, and started talking a mile a minute.
"Oh my god, I might not be able to drink Caf-Pows! I won't be able to drink coffee, or Whiskey, or vodka, or Caf-Nog! This is horrible! And my work! I work with a butt-load of chemicals! There's no way I'd be able to come in here and work with this and-"
"Abby," Tony said, but she continued to babble on. He sighed and let her rant, and tuned her out for a while, until she started mentioning specific people.
"And my parents would have to come up from New Orleans, and I'd have to meet McGee's parents- And- Gibbs is going to kill him!" She suddenly burst out. "Oh my god, we need to get McGee into protective custody right now!" Abby started pacing the lab. "That's no use, though! Gibbs doesn't give up, I mean you guys went to freakin' Somalia to kill the guy who killed Ziva, even though she wasn't really dead, and-"
"Abby!" Tony yelled, getting her attention. "Why is Gibbs going to kill McGee?" Abby stared at Tony, her eyes welling up in tears. Within a moment, he found himself encased in a Sad-Abby hug, her arms wrapped around his torso and her face burrowed in his shoulder. He could tell she was crying. He didn't need to see the tears, or feel the wetness on his shoulder, although he was sure that was coming.
"I-I think I may be pregnant!" She cried, burrowing her head deeper into Tony's shoulder.
"What?" He asked dumbly, not processing the information.
"McGee and I- We've sort of been secretly dating for a while and, my period's late, and condoms break sometimes, and-"
"I'm gonna kill him," Tony said darkly. Abby let go of him and looked him in the eyes.
"Don't, Tony! Please," She begged. His resolve melted in an instant. Damn her puppy dog eyes. Suddenly, Tony felt awkward.
"Abby? Why are you telling me first?" He asked. "I doubt McGiggles knows, and he's not six feet under, so Gibbs doesn't know. As for Ziva, I assume she'd kill McGee, too..." Abby smiled meekly at him.
"Tony, I need you to get something for me," She said, keeping her puppy dog eyes on. Already, he knew he'd end up doing what she wanted.
"Please tell me it's not what I'm thinking," He said. She just nodded. "Come on, Abs! Couldn't you just test yourself with something in the lab?" He asked, gesturing to several large, complicated looking machines.
"I can't, Tony, I don't want that to show up on a report or something," She said. Sighing, Tony agreed. When he went to the elevator, who should be there, but McGee. As he tried to pass Tony in the hallway, Tony put his arm around McGee and dragged him back onto the elevator with him.
"Come, McGee, lets have a little talk," He said maliciously. McGee rolled his eyes, assuming it would be about something trivial, like a slice of pizza or something.
"Tony! Don't hurt him!" Abby called as the door closed.
"Why doesn't she want you to hurt me?" McGee asked, turning to face Tony.
"Oh, ho, McIrresponsible, are you in for it," Tony said, his face unusually menacing in the lack of elevator light as he flicked the emergency stop switch.
McGee spent the next hour and a half curled up in the corner of the elevator, rocking back and forth, and muttering nonsense under his breath.
--
"Yeah, uh, one pregnancy test, please," Tony awkwardly asked the lady with a giant cross necklace behind the counter at the drugstore. He'd never done this before. Sure, once or seven times he'd waited with his girlfriend at the time, their bated breath, until the little stick gave them a tremendous relief with an 'Not pregnant' verdict. Usually, their relationship ended within minutes afterwards, too. Still, he was never the person to go buy the pregnancy test. It was unsettling. The lady looked him over suspiciously.
"Nervous, eh?" She asked. Biting his lip to keep himself from insulting the lady, he nodded. Who was she to judge? "You want to buy some condoms with it?" He noticed the woman scanning his left hand for a ring. What, so because he had premarital sex, he was a bad person?
"Uh, no, the pregnancy test is all," He bit his lip a bit more. He needed to screw with this lady's head. Something popped into his mind, and he smirked as she rang up the small box.
"Five dollars, thirty-five cents. You be responsible from now on, and Jesus loves you," She said, handing him a small bag. Tony forced a straight face, and looked her straight in the eye.
"Thank you. My period is two weeks late. I'm a little nervous," He said solemnly, trying not to laugh at the look of confusion on the lady's face. He turned on his heels and walked out of the store, then to his car, and drove to NCIS.
--
Soon enough, Tony was back at NCIS. He waited in the elevator to get to Abby's lab, McGee still in the corner, unaware of Tony's presence. When he got off he walked leisurely into Abby's lab, tossing the pregnancy test box up and down. Abby was sitting at her computer, hugging Bert closely while looking something up on the internet. Ziva was standing over her, saying something. The words were lost to Tony under the blasting music.
"Hey Abby!" He called, shoving the pregnancy test box back in the bag. He wasn't sure if Ziva knew yet. Well, McGee wasn't dead, so he guessed not. "Got that thing you wanted!" Abby quickly rose from her chair, still clutching Bert, and ran over to Tony. She hugged him, causing Bert to fart, and grabbed the bag from his hands with her Bert-less hand.
"Thank you, Tony!" She said, and then ran to the bathroom. For a moment, Tony and Ziva stood in silence.
"You know?" She asked, her mouth twitching into a slight frown.
"You haven't seen McGee yet, have you?" Tony asked, jerking his thumb at the elevator. Ziva chuckled a little.
"Well, not since Abby broke the- News, or the possibility?" She shrugged. "What did you do to him go into the fetal position and promise himself he'll never do something stupid again?" She asked with morbid curiosity. Tony smirked.
"Nothing that'll leave a scar," He hesitated. "Well, not a physical scar, anyway," He amended.
--
Abby paced the woman's room, the door locked tight, her eyes trained on the clock on her phone. She ignored Agent Jardine's begging for her to unlock the door so she could use the bathroom.
"Abby, please, I really need to go!" Nikki begged. Abby almost imagined the germophobic woman doing the 'potty dance.'
"CAN IT JARDINE!" Abby yelled. She couldn't deal with this. Not at the moment. "I'll be out in a minute!"
"Abby, there are two stalls, can't I just use one? Please?"
"Jardine, I am not in the mood, and I am one of the few people-"
"Who can kill me without leaving any forensic evidence! I know! Can you at least kill me with an empty bladder?"
Abby decided to go back to ignoring Nikki and checked her phone clock again. Five more seconds. Four, three two...
"YES! YES! YES!" Abby screamed as she waved around the negative pregnancy test in the air. She picked Bert off the counter and hugged him. He farted in response. "YES!"
"What?" Nikki asked from the other side. Abby unlocked the door, threw it open, and hugged the first person she saw. Who, unfortunately, was the germophobic Nikki Jardine. "A-Abby?" She asked. Bert the Hippo farted again. Nikki shuddered when she saw the pregnancy test left on the counter. Abby let go, and ran down the hall, occasionally screaming 'YES!' Nikki looked down at herself, stood there for a moment, and headed directly to the showers.
Quickly, Abby sought out her friends. Tony and Ziva each had one of McGee's arms, and were trying to drag him upright out of the elevator. She pushed past Tony and Ziva and threw her arms around her boyfriend. Again, Bert farted.
"I'm not pregnant! I'm not pregnant!" She shouted, gaining the attention of many people on the floor. She didn't care though.
"You- You're not?" McGee stuttered out. Abby could see her boyfriend's shoulders literally lift, as if weight disappeared from them.
"Congratulations!" Tony said, patting Abby on the back. "And, uh, sorry, McGee, for what I said. I'll pay for the therapy."
"Mazel tov," Ziva smiled. "Now all you have to worry about is Gibbs hospitalizing McGee for breaking Rule Twelve, instead of murdering him."
"Consider yourself lucky," Gibbs growled, walking up to the group at that exact moment. Tony and Ziva froze, while McGee put his arms up to protect his face and Abby stood between her boyfriend and Gibbs. "You two. Elevator. Now." Gibbs demanded, grabbing both of them and dragging them into the open elevator. Tony, Ziva, and the small group stood there as they heard the elevator start going down and then stop suddenly. They could even hear Gibbs screaming at the two, but not the words.
"I do not envy McGee right now," Tony and Ziva winced when they heard a cry of pain, obviously belonging to their teammate.
--
Tony, Abby, McGee, and Ziva sat in a booth at the bar. Abby chugged her drink, a mix of beer and Caf-Pow!
"I- Am so glad I'm not knocked up," She slurred, setting her half empty mug on the table. "I mean, I wouldn't want to screw up the kid, but there's no way I could go nine months without a Caf-Pow!"
"What about DeCaf-Pow!?" McGee asked, alternating between drinking from his own cold mug and holding it against the aching spot on the back of his head. If there was ever a day for him to mentally suppress in his adult life, it was today.
"Not the same," Abby said, and then stopped to think about something. "I guess if I ever do have kids, when I'm ready, I can give it a try." She smiled sweetly at McGee. His face paled. Tony and Ziva laughed at him.
"I don't think McFertile will give the McSperms that chance for a while, Abby," Tony commented.
"I'd be surprised if he doesn't end up getting a vasectomy tomorrow!" Ziva joked. Tony laughed a little too hard as he drank from his mug.
"Ha- A Mcsectomy!" He laughed, but quieted when the other three didn't. "Sorry. It's the liquor." Tony apologized.
"Hey, whose driving?" Abby asked, looking around the table. The only one who didn't have anything to drink was Ziva.
"I will," The Israeli said definitely. The other three groaned.
"Now it's really good you aren't pregnant, Abs," Tony started. "Ziva's driving is probably more dangerous than going on roller coasters and mechanical bulls when pregnant." Tony let out a cry of pain when Ziva hit him. The two buzzed men, the nearly intoxicated scientist, and the sober woman all stood, and left for the parking lot. After a horrifying car ride, Ziva dropped off McGee and Abby at his apartment. They stumbled in, Abby laughing for no reason. McGee plopped down in his computer chair, and she sat on his lap
"Abby?" He asked, rubbing the back of his head where Gibbs smacked him repeatedly.
"I know, I know," She said, rolling her eyes, "The chair isn't strong enough for two people-"
"Do you really want kids? You know, in the future?" He cut her off, thinking back to what she said in the bar. Abby bit her lip.
"Eventually," She shrugged. "Not for a-" She hiccupped. "-While, though. Why?" McGee smiled and wrapped his arms around her.
"Just checking," He said. "You'll be a great mom," McGee commented.
"You'll be an okay dad," She responded, giggling. He pouted. "Just kidding. You'll be an excellent daddy." She leaned down to kiss him, but the chair broke under the weight. They both screamed on the way down, and then started laughing like it was the funniest thing in the world. They'd talk about the subject later on, but for now, they were happy to just be able to get drunk and break a chair.
--
Author's Note: Not that bad, not that good. I don't really know what to say. Don't ask what Tony said to McGee to make him cry in a corner for a few hours, some things are best left unsaid. Not what you think about the story, though. Wink wink, nudge nudge. Please review.