Eddlantis: The Lost Idiot!
Our tale today takes place in Peach Creek, where people are told they can find reasonable mortgage rates, clean and friendly neighbors, and most importantly, a distinguished education. (Of course, we know all of this to be pure bupkis, but that's beside the point.)
Now we join our friend Eddward, known to the residents of Peach Creek as Double D, as he silently slumbers in his bed. But all is not peaceful this night…
Edd rolled over in his bed, images of the Geologic Timescale and Period Table swimming through his mind.
"Hmmm…Coming, Professor Mendeleev…" He muttered, his hands pretending to pour out a test tube. Suddenly, the sound of window opening and an odd outcry caused his eyes to jolt open. He sat up quickly, his heading turning toward the far wall. He could see his curtains flapping calmly, pushed constantly by a faint breeze.
"Doh! How could I forget to close the window? Mother always warned me to do so…" Edd said, slapping himself lightly on the forehead. He stood up and walked over to the other side of the room, glancing out his window at the dark outline of his freshly cut front lawn, and the shadows of the bushes that leaned against his house.
"Alright. Time for bed…" He yawned, shutting the window closed and lying back down in his bed.
"Good night, Jim…" Edd said, gazing at his half of cactus Jim before slowly returning to sleep. Just then, the window slowly opened. Into his room crept two shadowy figures, both carrying a large object on their backs. The short one laid the object on the floor, before the tall one helped him hold the object up. The short figure whispered to the tall figure, who replied with a thumb's up. The two figures began to lift up the object, holding it out in front of them, almost like a shield. Then, the figures took a few steps forward, until one of them accidentally stepped on a magnifying glass, smashing the glass. This alerted Edd, who jolted up to see a tall Tiki-looking mask hovering toward him.
Edd gasped, reacting simply by reaching for his beloved cactus and holding it out in front of him.
"Stay back! I have half of a cactus and I'm not afraid to use it!" He yelled, swinging the cactus a couple of times. Then he thrust it forward, only for it to get caught in the small mouth of the tall mask. He struggled to pull it out, but it didn't budge. Next he heard two familiar voices. One of them appeared to be screaming; while the other bellowed something he could not comprehend, as the Tiki mask leapt forward at Edd's head. Edd felt it smash against his head, and then, total darkness...
But clearly I'm getting ahead of myself. This would all make a bit more sense if we go back about twelve hours to Peach Creek Junior High…
"Oh, happy day! The school is holding a spelling bee tomorrow morning!" Edd cheered, much to the confusion of Ed and Eddy.
"What are you on about now, Sockhead?" Eddy asked, sounding as brash and rude as ever.
"Oh Eddy! It's the spelling bee! I wonder how I'll do this time…" He questioned, looking back at the flyer colored black and yellow, with excitement present in his eye. Eddy simply sighed in disinterest.
"You do the same every time, Sockhead…You and some poor saps enter, and you slam them into the ground with word power…" Eddy replied, using air quotes for "word power"
"Why thank you, Eddy! I'm going to sign up now." Edd said, clearly unable to contain his excitement. He began rummaging through his backpack, a look of discontent forming on his face.
"Oh drat. Where IS my special sign-up pencil?" He questioned.
"Would you believe he even has a sign-up pencil?" Eddy murmured, before Ed pulled up on Edd's shirt collar.
"I know where to find a pencil!" Ed said, smiling in his Ed-ish way. He dropped Edd painfully on his face, before reaching up to pull out something from the ceiling above the water fountain.
"Here you go." Ed said, placing a chicken leg into Edd's hand.
"Um…Pencil, Ed…" Edd said, handing the leg back to him.
"Oh right…" Ed said, reaching up again and pulling out a pencil with a chewed eraser and a number 3 scribbled over the number 2 on its stick.
"Um…Thank you, Ed…" Edd stated, taking the pencil and turning back toward the flyer.
"Wait. It already has your name in typed print, Double D!" Ed said, shoving Edd's head against the sign up sheet, making a crater in the wall.
"Oh…yes…" Edd replied, holding his head up with one hand. Just then, Eddy noticed Kevin approaching the nearly destroyed sign up sheet. Kevin reached out and grabbed the pencil from Edd's fingers, scribbling his name onto the sheet, before walking away. Just then, the bell rang.
"Come on, Double D! I'll make my special Cyclops Casserole in Cooking Class. And it'll have a REAL eyeball in it this time, and it'll still be attached to the pepperoni!" Ed declared excitedly, dragging a disgusted Edd along with him.
"Wait, Ed! I have AP History next! EEEEED!" Edd exclaimed, his hands digging into the ground.
Eddy remained where he was, watching Kevin walk off.
"Hey Kevo! Did your mommy make you participate in the Spelling Bee again?" Eddy mocked, causing Kevin to spin around, leering toward him.
"What's it to ya, dorky?!" Kevin retorted, making a fist with his hand.
"Nothing, except you spelled your last name with an O instead of a U!" He chortled. Kevin's face was growing red, and he rushed forward and grabbed Eddy by the collar, lifting him up.
"Care to repeat that?!" Kevin shouted furiously.
"Uh, no wait Kev! I was just joshing ya, um, buddy…" Eddy stuttered nervously, giving a light jab to Kevin's shoulder. Just then, the two turned their heads to see Edd rushing by, taking a glance at the spelling bee sign up sheet, before continuing to rush by.
"Good luck on the spelling bee, Kevin!" He shouted, dashing toward the AP History class. Kevin looked toward him, and then back at Eddy, a gleam forming in his eye.
"Look, neckless! I betted all the jawbreakers in my garage that Sockhead would lose the spelling bee, got that? So he'd better! He yelled. Eddy's face curled up in confusion.
"Wh-What am I supposed to do about it?" Eddy stammered. A mischievous grin formed on Kevin's face.
"Well, if you were, to say, make sure he doesn't wake up tomorrow to win the spelling bee, I'd probably consider all your insults old news…" Kevin said, his fist tightening.
"But…but…" Eddy began to say, but was interrupted by Kevin.
"But refuse and I'll make sure my dad bans you from the candy store for good! That means NO JAWBREAKERS! Plus, you get a bonus of fifty jabs!" He threatened, a hint of laughter in his voice.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Eddy cried out, much to Kevin's delight.
"Just do whatever you need to make sure Sockhead sleeps through the spelling bee…" He said, dropping Eddy straight onto the floor, before walking off.
"Ohhh…Guess I gotta decide between my best friend and sweet, delicious jawbreakers…" Eddy groaned.
"Sweet…delicious…flavorful…perfect…" He muttered, his mouth beginning to water. Suddenly, he jolted up, his eyes wide. Ed walked by him, holding a plate full of what appeared to be broccoli, covered in gravy, wood chucks, and butter, with a large eye in the middle that had a pupil which appeared to move at times.
"Eddy! Want to try out my Cyclops Casserole! It's got a real eye in the middle and…" Ed began, but was interrupted by Eddy pulling down on his collar, making his head smash into his casserole.
"Listen up, lumpy! We got us some work to do. We attack…at dawn!" Eddy shouted maniacally.
"Sorry Eddy. My mom says I have to be in bed by ten thirty, right after Space Clams of course…" Ed said, straightening up so that Eddy was lifted off the ground.
"Ugh…Why do you always have to ruin a good allusion, Ed…?" Eddy groaned, jumping off of Ed, and walking into his Biology class, leaving Ed to play with the spinach covered eye that was stuck to his forehead.