Disclaimer: I do not own Coupling or any of the characters.

A/N: This is set post-season 4, with all canon pairings, however Jeff is in it, as well as Oliver.

Five days to a wedding

'You know the best thing about weddings?' Jeff inquired of his comrades as the three of them sat on their usual sofa. Steve winced.

'Is this going to be in really bad taste?' he cautioned. 'Is Patrick going to regret having invited you to his wedding?'

Jeff smiled wolfishly. 'The breasts.' His friend groaned. 'No but seriously, Steve,' he continued, 'think about it. Sitting in one of the pews in the church, you are about eye level with the girls' breasts. And with the bride, plus, oh say five bridesmaids, that makes six pairs of breasts going past!'

Patrick raised one eyebrow. 'Excellent!'

'How're you feeling, Patrick?' Steve asked. 'Not getting cold feet?'

'No, why should I?' he replied. 'Sally's a great woman, and an eight or nine out of ten in bed. Why should I be nervous?'

'Well, mate,' Steve mused, 'it's just that you'll have to be a one man woman for the rest of your life. No more videos for your cupboard, no more variety, and no more stockings! Once she's got you for life, it's goodbye stockings and hello thermal pants!'

Patrick swallowed, and fiddled with his shirt collar.

'Ah, my poor friend,' Jeff said in an ominous tone. 'I pity you, Patrick. For you will be standing out the front of that church, come Friday, and have to say your vows in front of everyone.'

'What's so wrong with that?'

'Oh, Patrick,' Jeff moaned. 'First there's the giggle loop to consider, and then the accidental words. Oh, Patrick, Steve, the accidental words! The priest could ask you 'Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, and before you know it, you've said 'gusset' instead of 'I do!''

Patrick began to get very worried indeed.

'Aren't you leaving it a little late to be trying on your wedding dress?' Susan asked her best friend. 'There's only five days to go, and you still haven't decided which one you want.'

'I think the first one,' said Jane, lounging on a chair in the corner of the shop, displaying her long legs.

'But the first one made my bottom look enormous!' Sally cried. 'I'll look like a huge ostrich going down the aisle!'

A loud, ringing wail interrupted Sally's paranoid rant, and next minute Susan was comforting a howling bundle in her arms.

'Oh, little Stephen, it's all right,' she cooed, rocking the baby back and forth to calm him. 'Jane, would you change him for me?' She passed the wriggling baby into Jane's arms.

'Aww, isn't that sweet, he's looking at me!' Jane squealed. 'Just look at his eyes! Don't you just wonder what they're thinking? I wonder if they can read minds…'

Susan rolled her eyes as her eccentric friend walked off.

'You know, Sally, I honestly think that this dress suits you…' she began, but Sally wasn't listening- she was staring into the full-length mirror, her eyes fixed on her neck.

'Oh, look, Susan,' she panicked. 'My neck…there's another line since I last checked! My neck lines are multiplying…by Friday it'll be all stripy...'

Susan decided it was about time to change the subject.

'But honestly, though, aside from your myriad of worries about wrinkles and how your bottom's going to look, you're not having cold feet, are you?'

'No, no,' Sally said. 'I mean, the fact that Patrick's a Tory doesn't faze me any more, and I'm not at all worried living in a flat with a cupboard full of his exes…just imagine all those videos, all those women…those women that've slept with Patrick, I shall have to count them, to make sure the collection isn't being added to… oh, what if it is? What if my bottom gets so enormous Patrick goes off me? What if he doesn't turn up, because he doesn't want to marry a woman with a stripy neck?!'

By now Sally had worked herself into a catastrophic panic, and was very worried indeed.

*

A/N: wow, that was really corny. Anyway, that was the first chapter. Let me know what you think!