My Immortal
Pairing: Kirk/Spock
Rating: T, for the angst and slash.
A/N: For Rose Taylor's challenge, over at the Kirk/Spock fan fiction archive, for a story based on the song My Immortal by Evanescence K/S. I really like the song and loved this challenge. The guys are going to be a little out-of character, but then they are showing sides of themselves that they wouldn't normally show. Just wanted to let you guys know this is my first K/S fic so any comments would be helpful. All mistakes are mine, I hope they are not too bad.
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or the lyric to My Immortal. Those belong to the people that own them, duh. But I do not want to get in trouble..
I'm so tired on being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you to leave
I wish that you could just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
His mother was gone; those last few seconds still were with him. The fear in her eyes as the cliff gave her way, it was like she knew. Like just wanted to convey her love for him in those last few precious seconds. He saved his people's history when he saved the elders, but why did he feel; yes feel, like it wasn't worth it because he lost his mother.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
In the turbo lift Nyota had tried to be there for him, try to make him show his emotion. Some part of him wanted to just mourn. But he wouldn't do it, his mother had always been strong and he thought breaking down would just insult her memory. Plus he knew if he let it all go now that he would be lost, it was just too pain. It was illogical but he knew if he let that pain go he would die. He knew that there was no getting away from the pain, time would not heal him.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all these years
But you still have
All of me
She had made sure he was strong, his mother. When he was very small she would hold him and chase away all fears. She taught him to ignore the hate of his peers, inflicted on him. But as he got older it would be just a small touch. A brush of her hand that would connect them, just to let him know that she was there for him. That he didn't always have to be strong and brave for him, that sometime she could do it for him. The brief touch would could covey all the love she had for him; the touch gave him a little piece of her that would be his forever.
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dream
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
He realized, much later, the emotions he saw in Kirk's blue eyes as he told him he never loved his mother. He saw the self-hatred for his words, he also saw great pain. Those eyes shined with so much pain, for him, that he couldn't walk away. Of course all he felt at the time was hate but now later he felt something else. In those moments he saw his mother in those eyes, he saw a strong person that wanted to protect him was to take away his pain. But he let his anger take over, Kirk words let loose all of the pain he felt and he lost it.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much time cannot erase.
"Remember the good times," Kirk had found him staring out at the stars, they were heading back to Earth it was all over. "Remember her face when she was happy, when she was loving you and you were loving her."
"Your opinion of that," Spock had started to say but Kirk cut him off,
"You loved her Spock. You loved her as you will never love anyone else. I know this, always knew this," Kirk said softly, "The pain of losing her is consuming you it is in your eyes. I am sorry for my words I am not expecting you to forgive me I know I will not forgive myself. But don't let the pain kill you, if you do she will be truly be gone she is alive in you." Spock really wanted to say something but tears will slowly falling and when he finally got the courage to turn around Kirk was gone.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all these years
But you still have
All of me
His counterpart said their friendship would define them both. Kirk smiled as he walks into the bridge, a smile that warmed his very being. A smile that reminded him of his mother, their smiles seemed so much alike. Nyota caught his eye and gave him a small, sad smile. He nodded to her, they had broken up. She didn't know how to help him through his pain and grief. She tried to be there for him but she just couldn't understand why he could just let go of his pain. But he still wanted to be her friend and he knew with time they would get there.
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
Spock stood next to Kirk staring out at the stars, as they did every night. Spock still felt the pain of the lost of his mother even after so many months had past, it was illogical but he did not care. Every night he came here and every night his Captain stood here with him not saying a word. But Kirk's presence did something; slowly the pain began to fade.
"Thank-you Jim," Spock said softly. Jim turned and stared at him. Spock knew that the other man was shocked. He knew that Jim never thought that he would call him by his first name. "You two would have gotten along so well, you would have had her in tears she would have been laughing so hard." He knew those word were very out of character but they were true. Jim gently put a hand on his shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze before removing it, but it was enough.
Spock felt it, all of Jim's pain. He saw it, the way Jim's own mother couldn't stand to look at him. She never touched her so who reminded her of her beloved dead husband. He saw the pain as Jim was beaten and raped by his stepfather, a man that was supposed to protect the boy. He saw all Jim's attempts to kill himself as a child and teen, just to escape that pain. He saw the events of Taurus IV. He realized now why Jim acted the way he did, why he tried to keep everyone at a distance. He rather be alone then hurt, he had always been alone so he felt like he wasn't missing anything.
This made Spock mad, and also very sad. Jim deserved so much more; he didn't need to be strong for everyone else. Then Spock realized that Jim was doing what his mother did, being strong so he could just be happy. But Jim was not only doing it for him but for everyone else. Spock also felt the hatred that Jim felt for himself, still, for what he said about him not loving his mother. Spock also felt something else, but this came from him. He closed his eyes and saw his mother's face, but not as he had been seeing it but happy and bright. He felt like he wanted to protect and posses this man, it burned within him.
"Oh, Jim," Spock said softly. Jim turned and faced him at the emotion in his voice. Spock was crying and so was Jim. Spock gently took Jim's hand and interlaced their fingers. Jim stared at him this blue eyes so bright and shimmering with tears. He leaned down and kissed Jim, lightly hoping to convey what he was feeling in that soft kiss. Jim softly pressed back before pulling away, but only a little bit.
"Spock I…" Jim started but Spock didn't let him finish.
"There will always been some pain in all that we have lost Jim," Spock told him, "But you have lessened mine let me do the same for you. Let me in, let me be with you." Then Spock leaned in and kissed Jim again, this time with more feeling and pulled the other man close to him. Jim gave into the kiss and let Spock have full control. Spock sighed as he felt one emotion; love, from both of them. It was illogical, but it what felt right. He knew that this would not be easy and there would be more pain in their future but they would get through the pain, past and future, together
As they kissed Spock felt loved and knew now whenever he closed eyes and saw his mother, he would see her as she was alive and full of joy. In him she was alive and she would live through him and through his love.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all these years
But you still have
All of me