Zor the Newsreporter
Thought I might try this out. Zor is from Sonic Lost World, and you might recognize some of the other names and scenarios, though somewhat altered from their original.
Zor was a Zeti with purple hair and a rat's tail. He was also Emo. Giving bad news was the only thing he enjoyed. So, he got a job as a newsreporter, because it seems that everything on the news is bad news (aside from a certain broadcast on May 1st 2011).
"Today, a car skidded on a liquefied deer corpse and fell into a Hades Crater," said Zor. "At the bottom of Hades Craters is fire, so they burned to death. Based on the car and license plate, the victims were identified as a mother and father driving their two kids, 8 and 10 years of age, to school. But seriously, why bother? They were gonna die eventually.
"The terrorist, Abu Fayed, detonated a nuclear bomb in New York. Everyone in New York was killed, but perhaps they were the lucky ones. Chicago was wiped off the map by a storm. Everyone was evacuated because a man called in multiple bomb threats, but they have nowhere to go and no way of rebuilding their lives, so they are doomed to die a slow and painful death. The same thing happened when a giant pig smashed Shinjuku to pieces. Only the reaper wins in the end.
"A car crashed on Highway 231. It only took up one lane, but the entire road was blocked off because the driver was killed. It caused a traffic jam that caused 134 people to die of starvation. The driver was identified as 15-year old Benks Fuller, who mugged a man, stole his car, and drove drunk. Benks's victim, Tim Rogers, has both his arms and legs broken, two black eyes, a broken nose, and lost all his teeth. He'll be in a cast for a year. But we're all doomed anyway.
"The body of cameraman Peter Dellirgemalf was shipped back to his family. He is known for his obsession with spiders, but during an episode of Survivor, he was murdered by a clump of spiders that he got too close to. His funeral will be held on the day of the Super Bowl.
"And as if this day wasn't lame enough, an EMP fried Windfall City. All its inhabitants turned into rabid animals within three days, so a wolf furry had to come in and put them all down with her tail. The EMP is believed to be caused by a man who used the distraction to rob all the banks. The culprit has not been found or even identified, so he's going to get away with it. They're still searching for him, but why bother?
"A local boy appears to have jumped off of a balcony. The cops have determined that it was suicide because his favorite show was taken off the air and was not made watchable in any other way.
"The important businessman, Harvey Gambridge, was dragged into hell earlier this morning. His sister, Hannah, said that he sold his soul to the devil to save his mother's life 10 years ago. Seriously, so pointless.
"A boy was eaten by a yellow spider in the forest. He has been identified as Shouk, a boy who dreamed of becoming a duck. The spider was arrested and executed by werewolf.
"Borst Arnoldsen found a treasure map, and Charles Westermore, the man who helps children make their dreams come true, hired a crew to help him look for the treasure. Along the way, they were attacked by the kraken. A crew member killed the kraken with toothpaste, but half the crew, including Charles, were killed, so everyone had to do work, including Borst. Borst didn't want to serve food to people, so he sold his soul to the devil. He has the treasure now, but that doesn't matter – in ten years he will be going to hell.
"A unicorn was found dead of a stab wound in her neck, with a ring of green fire around her. The unicorn's name has not been released, but her murderer is believed to be the changeling queen, Chrysalis, who recently formed a unicorn-killing trio with the evil witch and wizard, Lamia and Voldemort.
"Renamon was beat up by Pigma Dengar, who bet on the pony race and lost 2 grand. Pigma bet on Rainbow Dash, but Renamon bet on Berry Punch because she knew Applejack and Rainbow Dash always place last when they bite each other's tails. Renamon was not seriously injured, but Pigma cut her tail off and threw it in a dumpster. She will be tail-less for the rest of her life, which is a huge blow to her because tails are one of the main symbols of furries. Personally, I don't see what makes tails so special, they're so pointless.
"That's all the news I have for today. Today the list is shorter than usual, so I'll say it all again.