A.N.
Title from Ella Wheeler Wilcox's poem, "The Little White Hearse."
WARNING: This chapter deals directly with stillbirth. The following chapters will also touch on the subject, but it is the focus of the end of this chapter.
Upon learning of her first pregnancy, Peggy's chief emotion was joy. The second was terror.
Peggy knew nothing of children. Hell, she hadn't registered her younger sisters existence until Claire was five and Peggy eight.
But, there Peggy was, sitting in a small doctors office, being informed that the nausea that she'd been experiencing was so much more than that.
If she hadn't been sitting, she probably would have collapsed on the ground when she fainted.
Peggy and Daniel had a routine to their evenings. They would make dinner together every evening, eat dinner together, move into the living room where they would either work on a case or just lounge in each other's company. After several hours of that, they would retire to bed together. While Daniel sat at the vanity stool and removed his prosthetic, Peggy would change into her nightgown, brush her teeth, and remove her makeup. While Daniel changed into his sleepwear and brushed his teeth, Peggy would brush her hair at the vanity. Daniel would move to stand behind his wife, and press his lips to the base of his neck. After that, Peggy would lead her husband to their bed.
But that evening - that evening Peggy broke the pattern.
While Daniel sat at the vanity stool, Peggy worked on gaining the confidence to say the words. He was about to begin when Peggy blurted out the announcement.
"I'm with child," Peggy exclaimed.
Daniel's fingers completely missed the first strap. His eyes shot to hers.
"What?"
"We're... expecting," Peggy said, this time slowly as the words finally truly sank in for her.
She watched as Daniel pushed himself up from the stool, leaving his crutch behind as he stumbled towards her. Peggy met him in the middle, wrapping her arms around him as he did the same.
"I hate desk duty," Peggy muttered as her husband stepped into her office, holding several files in his free hand.
"Keep telling yourself that," Daniel murmured, moving to the couch in the office. "Don't forget, it was you who decided that's all you should be doing."
"I'm not sure I was in my right mind," Peggy replied, her fingers dancing over the barely there bump.
Daniel paused in his movements, glancing up at his wife through his eyelashes. "It's quaint how you think you've got me convinced that you're annoyed. I know how much you've been worrying about the baby, Peg."
"You know me too well..." Peggy murmured, returning her focus to the mission report she had been reading.
Daniel listened to the rhythmic tapping of his wife's foot as he himself paged through the waiting rooms month old newspaper. Tossing the pages aside, Daniel squeezed his eyes shut and let out a nervous sigh. Feeling Peggy's warm hand on his snapped Daniel's attention to his wife.
"Relax, Daniel! God's sake, you're making me worry..." Peggy murmured, giving her husband's hand a gentle squeeze.
"Sorry, Peg..."
Peggy let out a sigh of her own. "Don't be. I admit, I'm terrified. I suppose it's just easier to place those emotions on your actions instead of on my own thoughts."
Daniel nodded, preparing to reply. Before he had a chance, though, the doctor stepped into the waiting room. "Mrs. Sousa?"
"That would be me," Peggy stated, taking slightly longer to stand than she had before.
"Come on back, Mrs. Sousa," the doctor continued, giving what was supposed to be a comforting smile.
"What about my husband?" Peggy asked, a slight edge of what Daniel thought was hysteria entering her usually level voice.
The doctor paused, his false smile falling from his face for a moment. "Husband's aren't usually allowed back with the women folk..."
Daniel flinched. People referring to Peggy, or other women in front of her, as 'women folk' had lead to punches prior to Peggy being with child. Since then, Peggy's emotions and reactions had become even more erratic.
The slightest sniffle was the only warning sign given.
"But, we can of course make an exception," the doctor quickly added, having noted Peggy's quivering lower lip.
"Peg! What on earth are you doing!" Daniel exclaimed, quickly limping to where his wife was standing, on tip toes, reaching into the cupboard.
"Getting the kettle so I can have a cuppa!"
"Didn't you listen to the doctor? He said not to reach above your head..."
"Because it could wrap the umbilical cord around the baby's neck... I know, I know. But come now, Daniel! That's a ridiculous notion!"
"I know, Peg, and I agree; but I also think we should listen to the doctor - he does this for a living. We shoot at people."
"Fine..." Peggy muttered, crossing her arms on top of her growing stomach.
"Thank you," Daniel whispered, reaching for the pot his wife had been reaching for. Placing the metal kettle in Peggy's hands, he pressed a soft kiss to her lips.
Peggy quickly set the kettle on the countertops, turning her focus back to her husband's affections.
"I thought you wanted tea," Daniel chuckled as Peggy began tugging on his tie.
"There are... other things on my mind now..."
"A little to the right..." Peggy murmured, flapping her hand in the same direction. Daniel took a stutter step in the indicated direction, holding the picture of Lisbon steady. "Perfect!" Peggy exclaimed, clapping her hands together from where she sat in the nursery chair.
Daniel let the picture gently hit the floor before grabbing the hammer from his work belt and a nail from his pocket.
Peggy smiled contentedly, letting her hands settle on her now extremely noticeable stomach. She let her eyes take in the room; she, Angie, and Anna had painted the walls a light yellow a month earlier, while Daniel and Edwin, and for a short bit Howard and Jack, worked on putting the crib together and bringing the furniture up the stairs. Admittedly, Daniel had spent most of the time hovering over his expecting wife.
Peggy stood, pushing herself out of the chair. She slowly waddled over to her husband, placing her lips on the back of Daniel's neck.
"This room is incredible, Daniel. I can't wait to sit with our daughter or son in that chair, to tuck them into the crib, to share stories of our times in those cities..."
"Certainly not all of our time, right?"
Peggy giggled, thinking back to the evenings they had spent in London, Paris, and Lisbon. "No, not all of it."
"Daniel?" Peggy whispered, her voice oddly sharp for the early, early hour.
"Everything alright, Peg?" Daniel asked, instantly awake - not all of his war-time habits had died with the battles.
"I think something's wrong..."
"What do you mean?"
"The baby... The baby hasn't moved in a while..." Peggy whispered, her voice frightened as her fingers danced across her swollen abdomen.
Daniel's hand went straight to the bump, placing it between his wife's two. He let it rest there for a minute, his own stomach twisting with fear. After a bit had passed - too long, in Daniel's opinion - he felt a weak kick against his hand.
"Don't worry, amada... Obviously just a little tired..." Daniel murmured, taking one of his wife's hand in his and giving it a squeeze.
Peggy paused, her eyes bright with unshed tears. After a few moments, she gave a sharp nod. "Right. Tired. I must be just getting extra nervous, since it's supposed to happen any day now. Obviously I'm just getting tired of carrying the extra weight..."
"What extra weight?" Daniel asked, giving her a small smile and pulling her hand to his lips.
"Smart arse," Peggy chuckled, pushing lightly n Daniel's shoulder.
Daniel had been waiting - pacing - outside the delivery room for hours.
He'd just been about to leave his office for the evening when he'd gotten a call from Anna Jarvis. Anna and Edwin had stopped in on Peggy that afternoon, hoping to keep the heavily pregnant woman company. Anna had calmly explained that Edwin was taking her to the hospital, and that she had been tasked with calling Daniel.
Daniel's reaction had been far from as calm. Thankfully Thompson had still been there, and he'd been able to take Daniel to the hospital.
Now it was just Daniel and Jarvis waiting outside the delivery room. Daniel flinched every time he heard Peggy scream, and Jarvis just sat in stony silence.
"God, I hate this," Daniel muttered, finally sitting back down in the chair next to Edwin.
"Agent Sousa..."
"I mean, God, she sounds like she's in so much pain..."
"Agent..."
"I did this to her! God, we'll never have another child. Not if this is what Peggy has to go through!"
"Daniel!"
Daniel's eyes snapped to the butler's. In the years the two men had known each other, the British man had never called Sousa by his first name.
"Peggy... She hadn't felt the baby kick today."
As Edwin murmured those words, a heartbroken sob came from the delivery room.
Daniel hadn't moved that quickly when both his legs worked.
It was a month before Peggy returned to their bed.
For a month she slept in the armchair they had put in Theresa's room. Every evening they would eat dinner together in silence, work on their paperwork in silence, and then retire to different rooms. Daniel would stand in the doorway, watching as Peggy wrapped her arms tightly around the bear Angie had given them and stare at the crib.
It was after a month that Daniel finally said something.
He slowly moved into the nursery, standing in front of his wife.
"Peggy.. Peg... you can't keep doing this," Daniel murmured, placing his hands on one of the arms of the chair.
"Why not?"
"Because you're killing yourself! Don't you realize that? Sure, you go to work, and eat dinner, and sleep. But, Peg, you're a shell of who you once were... You're a shell of the woman I love; of the woman I need! We both lost a child, Peggy, a daughter - our daughter."
"You don't even know, Daniel," Peggy hissed, showing the first emotion since the doctor had shared the awful news. "You don't know... You don't understand!"
"Don't I? Wasn't I with you every step of the way? Wasn't I just as devastated when the doctor told us? Don't I understand?"
"You don't understand!" Peggy screeched, standing to meet Daniel face-to-face. "You didn't carry her for nine months only to give birth to a corpse! You weren't told that, "there's nothing you could have done," when the one thing you should have done - protect her - you failed at! You didn't fail at being a mother before you could even hold your child! You don't understand at all!" With every word of her final sentence, she slammed her hand into her husband's chest. "No one understands..." she sobbed, hiding her face in his chest.
"Peggy... Amada…" Daniel murmured,wrapping his arms around his wife and pressing his lips to her curls. "You never needed to grieve alone..."
The two stood like that for several minutes, taking silent strength from the other. After the minutes had passed, Peggy pulled back, wiping away her tears, and led her husband back to their room.
A.N.
So, the next chapters shouldn't be so angsty. It obviously won't be straight up fluff - losing a child is never easy, and it causes irreversible damage.
I don't have hard text down yet, but I have ideas! It hopefully won't be longer than a week! Keep an eye out!