So this is my first South Park fanfiction. Sorry if it sucks - I've tried to make it as entertaining as possible. Enjoy!

Chapter 1

The moments before school time in South Park Elementary were always the sleepiest, particularly on Mondays. So when Butters disturbed the slumberous age before first period on a Monday morning, it came as a sort of surprise.

"FELLAS! HEH-HEY, FELLAS!" The little blond kid went whizzing down the corridors, causing Craig to snap out of a malaise and causing Tweek to jump out of his skin, not for the umpteenth time. "FELLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!"

"BUTTERS! Would you STFU, I'm talking to Kyle!" Cartman barked obnoxiously.

"Uhh, STFU?" asked Butters, coming to a halt at last. "Well, wha-what does that stand for?"

"Quit calling Mel Brooks a queer, you dumbass!" Kyle yelled at the obese kid we all hate to love.

"What? Listen Kyle, all I'm saying is he's Jewish, so he should be in the ass-munching business, not the filmmaking business."

"You're such a dick!" Kyle shouted.

Cartman put on his best manipulative whine. "But the ass-munching biz-nuuuuuuuuuss!"

Kyle turned to Stan and Kenny, the passive observers of this debate. "Dude, back me up here."

To Kyle's dismay, Stan shrugged. "Gotta give it to fatass here, his last movie did suck."

"Ay! Don't call me fatass!" Cartman ordered.

"Mummphmuphmmphumphuhmph," said Kenny. Stan and Kyle laughed mockingly at Cartman.

"Hey, fellas! I gotta tell y'all somethin'! It's, uh, kinda a emergency," Butters stammered before Cartman could rip on them any further.

"What is it, Butters?" asked Kyle.

Nervous, Butters fiddled with his hands.

"Uhh, well I…I just heard from the principal's office. It seems, uh, we got a…" He tailed off, going red.

"We got what, dude?" asked Stan.

"A…uh…d'aw, I can't stand it no longer! We got a new girl in our class!" Butters burst out.

Silence.

"That's it?" asked Stan.

"Well, yeah," said Butters. "Mm'boy, I woulda thought you'd be more surprised."

"Butters," said Cartman, "this is the seventy-eighth..."

"Mumphumphmphmumph," said Kenny.

"Seventy-ninth, yeah – this is the seventy-ninth time somebody has written in a new girl to a fanfiction."

"Yeah, and we know how it goes down," added Kyle. "She's going to be absolutely perfect and one way or another, one of us is gonna fall head-over-heels in love with her and then get dumped on and then go through all the hardship and pain you go through when that happens to you because chicks reading this crap love all that kind of drama – it happens all the time."

"Surprised you haven't figured that out, Butters," said Stan.

"Muh-mphmphmuhmuhmumph," contributed Kenny.

Butters played with his hands even more. "Oh. But…but see, fellas, she's…she's kinda different alright."

"Different?" said Kyle.

"Yeah, how could she be different from the rest of the other girls? They all had the same motives," said Stan.

"Mumph," Kenny agreed.

"No fellas, this time, she's actually different," Butters enthused.

"Oh! Well there's a big f*cking surprise!" Cartman gushed sarcastically. "Of course she's gotta be different, otherwise she'll be just like all the other one-dimensional characters that come along and f*ck with our lives! EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN ONE OF THOSE BITCHES WAS VASTLY DIFFERENT FROM THE LAST! THEY ALL HAD BLACK HAIR, BLUE EYES AND LISTENED TO LINKIN PARK!"

"Don't you get it, Butters?" asked Stan. "That's just the way the fanfiction system works. We get a new girl every other fanfiction, when Kyle and I aren't having buttsex in the bathrooms. Chicks lap it up like cream. They love to see us get used and abused by their creations because, well, that's what some girls with no life and no real boyfriends do."

"Uh, they sure do have boyfriends, Stan," said Butters defensively. His hands couldn't leave each other alone. "I mean, uh, they may be weird and stalker-y and glitter when the sun comes out…"

"Butters," said Cartman, putting a hand on the blond child's shoulder. "Those girls are a different breed of fanfiction writers altogether. They're what we call the Twilight fans."

"Twilight fans?!" Butters exclaimed.

"Yeah, girls who don't have boyfriends so they latch onto the latest craze to pretend they're actually part of something and imagine they're the girl in the story that have a gay vampire who stalks them and watches them while they sleep," said Kyle. "The Twilight fanbase is probably the biggest girl-centred fanbase in the entire world, next to Justin Bieber's."

"They also tend to be the stupidest," said Stan.

"Mmphmuhmphmmphmphmuhmphmmphmphmuhmuhmmphmphmphmph ," completed Kenny.

"Oh. Alright then," said Butters. "So…so who's it gonna be this time?"

"Whaddya mean?" asked Kyle.

"Who's gonna, uh, fall in love with her and pick some pretty flowers for her, only to have them ripped apart in front of your eyes and be cheated on with Bebe's new badman and be all sick and miserable and depressed for the next six months?"

The boys all looked at each other with some level of anxiety. A silence filled the corridor.

Then Cartman broke it.

"Screw you guys – I'm goin' home!"

"Cartman, it's school," said Kyle.

"Laters," Cartman retorted, waddling away.

"If you ditch school again, they'll show you your mom's home-made videos," added Stan.

Reluctantly, Cartman ambled back to them, a huge frown on his face.

"Ah am soooooo pissed off right nawh."

And with that, the South Park boys went back into the fanfiction.

So there ya have it. Who thinks this girl is going to be any different from the last three hundred and fifty-six? She might not be, I mean, I made her up, so...yeah, probably just another Mary-Sue. Who do you think is going to fall into an ultimately doomed romance with her? Will I be bothered to continue making up this crap? The questions are endless.