AN: I do not own The Slayers, I just play in the sandbox. Cover art is by brendala, unfortunately I changed the title after I announced this project, but I liked the pic, so there.
It had been so long since Lina had traveled alone that her mind had a hard time grasping that he wasn't there anymore. She would constantly find herself looking over her shoulder to tell him something, only to be crushed back to reality when she remembered he wasn't there. But it was so hard to shake the feeling that he still walked by her side. It was where he had been for the last few years after all. And when she came down for breakfast each morning she was unable to shake her habit of looking for him even though she knew he wouldn't be there. It was hard to break the routine. It was harder to eat alone.
She would still talk to him. She loved to talk and the silence seemed unendurable. So she talked, but no one answered. She wondered how she had dealt with it before she met him. Granted, she had traveled more populated roads then and ran into more people. Now she didn't want people to see her so beaten down so she avoided them. And as she walked them, she would have paid all of the money in the world to hear him ask some ridiculously stupid question.
"That sun's getting low." She said quietly. "I guess we should stop at the next town for the night. It shouldn't be too much farther."
The crickets started chirping in response. She brushed a hand through her hair as she found the silence to be infuriating. Even when Hellmaster had taken him she had been with friends who had distracted her from the chasm that had been ripped into her life. She also had the chance of getting him back. Now, he was lost to her forever, and there was nothing to take her mind off that fact.
For a moment she flirted with the idea of traveling to Seyruun, but then she discounted it. She wasn't ready to explain just yet. She wasn't ready to announce to the world that he was dead.
Dead. The emotions bubbled within her at the mere thought of the word and her sight became blurry. She stopped in her tracks and took a deep breath. She couldn't break down in the middle of the road like this! What if someone saw her? She took another breath without fully exhaling the previous, and then another, again without exhaling, until to her horror she realized she was panicking and hyperventilating. She was breaking down and she couldn't stop it! She hurried off the road. There had to be a tree or a bush or something she could hide behind while she composed herself.
She tore through the foliage, taking pleasure in the destructive act as the leaves fell from the branches. Then she stopped in her tracks as she saw a group of ruffians. How had she not sensed them? Lina froze. Her face was red and tear streaked and she must have looked horribly vulnerable. That impression was confirmed as one of the men grinned vilely. "Well hello." He said as he got out his knife and the sense of bloodlust wafted through the air.
Well fine. I've been looking for someone to vent my anger on!
"DIL BRAND!" Lina yelled, and the man was blasted away. But the others rushed towards her, and she felt unusually scared. She was used to fighting with Gourry by her side. So used to it that she wasn't as confident as she used to be in her ability to take people on her own. Why had she ever let herself get so rusty? Why had she let herself need him so?
A man charged at her with a knife, but before he reached her he stopped suddenly. Lina blinked her eyes in confusion. "What the hell!?" he cried as Lina stared in disbelief as he started engaging in a strange dance as though struggling against an unseen attacker. The wind picked up and the smoky scent of oak wood tickled Lina's nose. Gourry had always smelled of oak wood. She'd never understood why until she'd gone through his belongings.
The spell she was chanting choked in her throat as the ruffian's arm was snapped back until he dropped the knife. But there was no one there to snap it back! The other men looked at him in horror, the blood draining from their faces. The one who had dropped the knife backed away, and Lina thought she saw the imprint of a hand around his arm. But before she could be sure the ruffian yelled, "It's a ghost!" and started running. One of the other men cried out as he was suddenly pushed back by something Lina could not see. He also went running, soon followed by the rest of the pack.
Lina stared at the knife on the forest floor, shocked. What had just happened? For a brief moment she felt a presence before her and the smell of oak intensified. Gourry? She wondered, but she didn't dare speak. Tentatively, she reached a shaky hand out, but as the smell of oak faded, no matter how far she stretched her arm, it touched nothing.
Clad in her pajamas, her hair still damp from her bath, Lina sat at the edge of the bed and gazed at the tiny wood statue. She had often wondered what Gourry did in his room late in the evenings or while taking watch considering she'd never seen him read a book. Considering they'd been together so long she was surprised she'd never found out about his hobby until she was going through his things after he'd died and had found a bag full of carvings, along with a set of knives and some oils for sealing.
When she'd spread them over the blanket she was stunned to find that, with the exception of a few carvings of swords and jellyfish, most of them were of her. There was one of her standing proud and confident, another of her with her glasses perched on her nose and book on her knee. Others depicted her eating or laughing while one carving even included her battling a lake dragon. Two had been carefully wrapped in cloth to protect them. One of them was of her with her arms raised high containing the Giga Slave. The other was her visage, wearing a dress, encased in a heart bordered by an intricate series of love knots.
Lina had cried so long and hard after she had found them she feared she would never be able to stop.
Why had he never told her? Why had she never told him? Sure, they had been affectionate with each other. Sure they'd said it in roundabout ways. But never directly. Why?
She fingered the knots and felt the pressure rise in her chest again. After her encounter with the ruffians she had sought a bandit camp and attacked. As soon as they had started to fight back, the invisible fighter returned once again and the smell of oak became pungent. But as soon as the camp was subdued both the fighter and the smell were gone. Lina wondered if she was losing her mind due to her grief.
She clasped the carving to her chest and inhaled deeply. "Gourry?" she asked.
Silence. And no sense of a presence. She squeezed her eyes tight as the pain asserted itself, along with the thought that she was being silly. The smell of oak tickled her nose, but she knew it was from the carving. He's gone. She told herself. You need to get over it.
And then the grief washed over her and she wondered if this was something that she ever could get over.
Lina had not wanted to go to Seyruun. She hadn't wanted to explain over and over again where he was and how she had lost him. But she needed to talk to Amelia. She needed to find out why, whenever she was attacking bandits, or being attacked by bandits or, in one case, a Mazoku, a ghostly presence would come to defend her. And why the only time he was there was when she was in danger. Night after night she spent in fruitless attempts to reach him. She'd tried endless spells to no avail.
While she had been worried she was going crazy, the evidence was just too overwhelming. During a bar fight in one town all of the patrons were spooked by the spirit. She was definitely not the only one who noticed him. And she was certain it was Gourry. Who else would be so devoted that even dead he would come back to defend her?
But she couldn't talk to him when she was fighting off enemies. She couldn't tell him everything she needed to. And she had so much to say. His death had happened so quickly she hadn't even had time to say goodbye.
Tepidly she walked up to the palace. "Miss Lina Inverse?" one of the guards said as he spotted her. Lina's stomach twisted with anticipation. "But where's Mr. Gourry?"
Lina had been completely unable to say it out loud. Her hands clenched into fists as she gathered every ounce of composure as possible, "I need to see the princess, Amelia."
The guards exchanged a look, "I'll send for a page."
Lina nodded, but didn't trust herself to say anything further. She looked onto the palace lawns as she waited. Finally the page arrived and took her through the labyrinthine palace and led her into Amelia's chambers. "I'll summon Princess Amelia."
Lina relaxed a little when she was finally alone in Amelia's plush apartments. Mechanically she sat on the couch and wondered how long Amelia would be. It ended up not being too long. In fact, it was only a matter of minutes before Amelia burst in, "Miss Lina! What an unexpected surprise…"
Her voice trailed off as she took in Lina's demeanor, her puffy cheeks and uncharacteristically morose expression. Not to mention the fact that Gourry wasn't there. "Oh no." Amelia gasped, "Is it that bad?"
Lina lowered her head and dug her fingers into her knees. "As bad as it gets." She finally managed to say.
Amelia put her hand to her chest as she shut the door behind her and moved to sit beside Lina, wrapping her arms around her and pillowing her head on her shoulder. "What happened?"
Lina sniffed and fought to keep her voice from breaking, "Would you believe it was one of those damn hemnid scorpions?"
"Oh Miss Lina…"
"I mean, dammit, the idiot had survived Mazokus, bandits and my temper. Part of me felt that even if he was badly hurt he would be too stupid to know how to die. And with his senses, I mean, something about him seemed invulnerable. I guess it takes an idiot scorpion to take down an idiot swordsman."
Lina stopped and put her hand to her mouth as tears started to leak from her eyes, "It was just so senseless."
"I'm so sorry." Amelia whispered as she squeezed her into a sideways hug.
Lina took a heaving breath as the sobs shook her body. She wasn't used to crying like this in front of others and she hated it, but she also couldn't stop. She couldn't stop thinking about looking up from her book while they had been camping out because he had cried out. How by the time she'd reached him he was already turning blue and seizing due to the swiftly lethal venom the scorpion carried. Before she could even think of something to do he was dead. It had all happened in a matter of minutes!
Amelia rubbed her back as she struggled to regain her composure. It seemed to take hours for her to pull herself together, but she was sure her sense of time was just badly warped. At last she got to a point where she trusted herself to speak. She just wasn't sure she was going to want to hear Amelia's answer.
"Amelia, I'm here because something strange happens whenever I fight now. An invisible presence starts to fight my attackers. And it smells just like him! Like oak. And then as soon as the fight is over he's gone. I know it sounds crazy, but it's him. I know it's him. But I don't know why it's happening!"
Amelia gasped as she put her hand on Lina's knee, "I have an idea." She said as she wiped her eyes with her other hand. "I would have been surprised if this didn't happen actually."
Lina felt relieved that Amelia believed her and that she seemed to have an explanation, "Why?"
"Just one minute." Amelia said, and then she got up and started digging through her belongings. She got out a crystal and explained as she put it over her eyes, "This allows me to see your astral body."
Lina sat, feeling unusually nervous as Amelia examined her. Amelia put the crystal down, an inscrutable expression on her face. She sat down beside Lina and grabbed her hands, her expression rather solemn. "Your astral bodies are tightly tuned with each other. More than anyone else's I've seen."
Lina frowned, "What does that mean?" Is he here beside me?
"It's rare, but there are a few other documented cases. Mr. Gourry made it his life's work to protect you. And like a lot of people who die, when they still have business in this life, they have difficulty crossing over. Now most ghosts haunt the places they died at obviously. But since Mr. Gourry's astral body was so tuned to yours, well, you serve as an anchor for him in this world. And whenever you're in danger, it pulls him back into this life."
"But what does this mean?" Lina asked, "I mean, what about when I'm not in danger? Is he here now?"
Amelia shook her head sadly, and Lina felt a bit stricken as it occurred to her that Amelia, who adored romantic crap like this, was not gushing, "No, he's in between worlds."
Amelia squeezed her hands, "I'm sorry. The only time he can make it back to this world is when you are in danger. And there's no way to stop him from coming back when you're in danger."
Lina was quiet for a moment. And then a foolhardy hope grasped her mind, "But if I serve as an anchor…what if there was a way to heal his body and get him back into it?"
Amelia squeezed Lina's hands and said quietly, "Remember Halciform."
Lina felt as though she had been kicked in the gut with Amelia's admonishment. And Amelia was right. She was going to have to let him go. But how could she when he would come back into her life the moment she was in danger, which for her, was rather often?
It was like being shown a diamond she could not touch, forever slightly out of reach, but continually teasing her with the promise of what could be. As if she wasn't already reeling from all she had lost! Talking didn't seem possible anymore. The grief was too overwhelming. And it must have been showing because Amelia pulled her into a hug, "I'm so sorry, Miss Lina."
But then another idea hit Lina. One that she didn't dare share with Amelia as she clung to her while Amelia repeated over and over, "I'm so sorry Miss Lina, I'm sorry I can't do more."
But Lina started to feel calm. She was going to talk to Gourry. She was going to do this on her own terms. And she would tell him everything she hadn't been able to before.