I first wrote this ageess ago, on my phone, in a hotel room. It has now been finely combed for grammar and spelling as well as other little tweaks.
A/N: So, I did it. A Mary Poppins/Doctor Who Parody. Ok it's just Missy as Mary and some other Doctor Who character's will appear as other significant roles.
I plan to change some of the lyrics to the songs. In this chapter they are the same.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I live in a box with a monkey, and a laptop.
Missy Poppins.
[Opening titles play "Hey Missy". Missy herself is perched on a cloud in her usual get up, applying red lip stick. She grins pearly whites as we pan past her, blue eyes glinting. She may be enjoying this a little too much perhaps... To avoid disappointment, we'll put this straight now: this is Missy Poppins not Mary Poppins, the adorableness of Julie Andrews is absent i'm afraid. But good news, you get Missy's delightful evilness, and some frighted kids. That's not good news. Anyway...]
[Down in the streets of 20th century London, Twelve is dressed exactly like Bert from the opening scene of the film— various instruments strapped to him make a ridiculous amount of clatters, chimes and trills as he plods around the square. A ratty brown cap is placed over his silver locks, he sports a faded blue and white pin striped shirt under a dirty jade green jacket, a leather brown cravat tied at his neck. ]
Twelve: [Muttering to himself, glaring up to the sky as if to place blame on a certain smirking time lady.] I can't believe I have to do this, ridiculous, really do I look like the type to do musicals...
[Twelve trails off, suddenly realising he's not alone. A crowd of people are staring at him waiting for the first lines of the show to be spoken.]
Twelve: Rights sorry... [He clears his throat and peers at the notes written on his hand] All right, Ladies and Gents – Gents is it just Gents?...ah yes... – Gents – You are a lazy bunch – comical – ironic isn't it, I'm not the comical type of person yet here I am! [He grins expecting at least some amused responses]
[Instead he receives numerous glares from the circle surrounding him, whilst irritated voices begin whispering complaints to one another.]
Missy: [OC from her cloud] DOCTOR SAY THE LINES RIGHT OR I PROMISE YOU NOW, YOUR UNTIMELY DEATH SHALL DESCEND UPON YOU.
Twelve: [His eyes widen in terror. That was no idle threat no matter how melodramatic a delivery. he clears his throat and commences without hesitation this time] Comical poems suitable for the occasion, extemporized and thought up before your very eyes! [He grins nervously, and loosens his cravat.] All right, here we go...
[He begins singing, hardly, he's not even trying. It sounds more like a strangled cat with a sore throat.]
Room here for everyone gather around...
er.. something...constable....responstable...now, how does that sound?
[No one looks impressed. The crowd seems impatient– Some of the elder even angry– and bored. Children are pleading with their nannies to leave.]
Heh. Okay, Lets just skim over this... [Peering intently at his hand]... Dammit my clammy hands...
[The Dog, Andrew, barks]
Ah, yes, the dog! *Clears throat*
Hello, Miss Lark, I've got one for you!
Miss Lark likes to walk in the park with Andrew.
I'm liking the tartan jacket-y thing he's got there, very Scottish. [Winks]
Miss Lark: [Rolls her eyes and leaves pulling Andrew along with her]
Twelve: Sorry...OH AND HIS NAMES NOT ANDREW, ITS CLARICE, AND HE WANTS YOU TO RESPECT HIS LIFE CHOICES.
Miss Lark: [OC] SHUT UP!
Twelve: Yeesh, tough crowd. [Glaring surrounding him intensifies.] Heh. Lets just get to the main point of the song... [He is pulling sleeve up, desperately trying to read scrawled writing] since the ink has smudged and I can't read the rest of the lyrics anymore... ah here we are
Wind's in the east, mist comin' in.
Oo look, a coincidental breeze... [Glares from haters] Sorry...
Like something is brewin' about to begin.
Oh god... that sounds horrific [More glares from surrounding hate– people. He obediently carries on.]
Can't put me finger on what lies in store
[Quickly mutters in between the words] Bet I cannn...
But I feel what's to happen, all happened before.
[No one looks impressed, he offers a strained grin holding his hat out for money. They all just leave. One guy runs back, Twelve smiles gratefully, expecting this to be a generous, last minute donation. The guy just knocks his hat down laughing like Bart Simpson then runs off again.]
And they say I'm the rude one! Humph.
[He turns and notices audience (us). He floofs his hair and smiles awkwardly]
Oh, It's you lot... the same bunch who obsesses over me using various social networking sites such as tumblr, twitter and this very website... [He trails off laughing nervously] Well how nice of you too... stalk me here also... So that house... what was it... [Checks his other hand] ah yes! Number 17, cherry tree lane– How cringy.. gosh– well that's this way. I think... I lost the map. But anywho, I'm certain it is this way...
[Twelve begins to trod down the street, obviously very uncertain of where he is going, symbols clashing as he walks.] Yep, this is it! See, I knew, I was completely prepared for this musical I was forced into–
Missy: [OC From her cloud] JUST DO IT.
Twelve: Yes of course! Loving every minute! [he nods to sky] So, this house that's currently right next to me– Oh right you can't see... but trust me, this is the first house on this road. Isn't it great? It looks like a massive ship! It's where Captain Jack Harkness resides in this frightful parody, because it's a ship... and he's a Captain... [He hits his drum then clashes the symbol. No one laughs. He sighs irritated.] IT JUST MAKES SENSE.
Jack: LOOK AT MY MASSIVE CANON, THIS ROCKS! WHOOO! THANKS DOC![He swings around the mask of the ship jubilantly]
Twelve: ANYTIME JACK. [He laughs and gives the camera a terrified look.] Evidently he seems to have gotten the best role in this charade. He gets to blow canons into the street for no reason. Which is not a good thing.
Jack: Bee–Tee–Double—you Doc, there's like crazy weather that's bizarrely only at that house. Totally not foreshadowing anything, but just so you can keep your hat on.
Twelve: Cheers. So this is it. The only house that is actually really a house inside. The rest are just cardboard sets to fill the scene. Number 17- HOLY SHIT ITS WINDY HERE HE WAS RIGHT. WINDS IN THE EAST INDEED. Phew!Anyway, no one wanted to play this lot so we got the originals.
Time Travel. [He winks.]
[Fangirls scream]
Mr. Banks lives here with those adorable children, they are adorable though don't lie... and then his suffragette wife that just marches everywhere.
[Inside the house you got them two maids running after the former Nanny no one actually cares about. Google tells me the maids are Mrs. Brill and Ellen. Why is addressed by her second on one first I have no idea. Katie Nanna just wants too leave.]
Mrs. Brill: NEVER LIKED YOU, WRETCHED CREATURE, GET OUT SAVE ME WASHING!
Ellen: NO BUT IF SHE GOES I HAVE TOO LOOK AFTER THE CHILDREN. I HATE CHILDREN ALMOST AS MUCH AS MISSY–Wait I ain't supposed to know who she is yet. Sorry, my bad, spur of the moment rage, just carry on...
[Everyone stares at her for a brief moment, then the drama continues.]
Katie Nanna: I WOULDN'T STAY HERE FOR PETER CAPALDI'S HAIR.
[Audience gasps]
Ellen: PLEASE NO DON'T LEAVE ME, I CAN'T STAND CUTENESS.
Twelve: Oo Drama! [He pulls a bag of popcorn out his coat and munches loudly. He curiously mutters.] Peter Capaldi...? [He shurgs and continues being nosy.]
Mrs. Brill: Oh shoot, Mrs. Banks is back, It's all gonna go down now–
Mrs. Banks: [She crashes though the door singing loudly.]
Our daughter's daughters will adore us
And we'll sing in grateful chorus
"Well done, Sister Suffragette"
Twelve: Told you she was Suffergette crazy...
Mrs. Banks: I had the best meeting ever [She giggles madly.] Mrs. Whitbourne-Allen chained herself to the wheel of the prime minister's carriage. You should've been there. They drove off anyway and she was crushed to death.
[Complete silence. Missy cackles from above.]
Katie Nanna: That just confirms it, you're all crazy I'm out–
Mrs. Banks: [She grabs her arm and starts dancing] Oo and thennnn! Mrs. Ainslie, she was carried off to prison, singing and scattering pamphlets all the way! It's a win win because I never liked her and I don't have to give the pamphlets out!
We're clearly soldiers in petticoats
And dauntless crusaders for women's votes
Though we adore men individually
We agree that as a group they're rather stupid!
Twelve: This is why my companions are female.
Katie Nanna: Mrs. Banks–
Mrs. Banks:
Cast off the shackles of yesterday
Shoulder to shoulder into the fray
Our daughter's daughters will adore us
And they'll sing in grateful chorus
"Well done, Sister Suffragette"
Katie Nanna: Listen to me, this is obviously more important than women's rights–
Mrs. Banks:
From Kensington to Billingsgate
One hears the restless cries
From every corner of the land: womankind arise
Political equality and equal rights with men
Take heart for Mrs. Pankhurst has been clapped in irons again
No more the meek and mild subservients we
We're fighting for our rights, militantly - never you fear
Katie Nanna: I'M NOT USED TO SO LITTLE ATTENTION.
Mrs. Banks... AND ME!:
So cast off the shackles of yesterday
Katie Nanna: Will you shut up for a sec–
Twelve: IGNORE THE HATERS MRS. BANKS.
Mrs. Banks:
And shoulder to shoulder into the fray
Our daughter's daughters will adore us
And they'll sing in grateful chorus - "well done"
Katie Nanna: God dammit women–
Mrs. Banks: "Well done"
Katie Nanna: MRS. BANKS.
Mrs. Banks: "Well done, Sister Suf-"
Katie Nanna: MRSSSSS. BANNNKKKKKSSSSSSSSSSS.
[In mexio]
Katie Nanna: MRSSSSS. BANNNKKKKKSSSSSSSSSSS.
Mexicans: Non comprehendo!
[In Australia]
Katie Nanna: MRSSSSS. BANNNKKKKKSSSSSSSSSSS.
Australians: Not another yelling cliche in a fanfiction.
[Back in number 17 cherry tree lane– YES WE HAVE TO SAY THE WHOLE THING]
Mrs. Banks: WHAT BITCH, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN KILL MY JAM SESSION?!
Katie Nanna: I lost your kids.
Mrs. Banks: Oh no, where abouts–
Katie Nanna: I dunno, bye bitch!
[Katie Nanna just leaves.]
Mrs. Banks: BUT THE CHILDREN ARE MISSING, HOW CAN YOU JUST LEAVE, YOU ARE A TERRIBLE NANNY!
Katie Nanna: SCREW YOU ALL, I WANTED TO BE AN ACTRESS, INSTEAD I ENDED UP IN THIS DUMP. [A taxi pulls up and coincidentally Mr. Banks walks past and opens it for her in an act of graciousness. Oh he's an idiot. He just helped her leave. I'll never get over that. Ok, I know you guys just want Missy.]
Jack: [He launches a canon ball just too mess everything up even more. Cherry tree lane collapses, it's only cardboard. Number 17 is fine though, we made sure it wouldn't crash and burn every time Jack did that, we kinda need it for the rest of the fic.] AHAHAHHAHA WHOOOOO!
Mr. Banks: [Crashes through the door similarly to his wife earlier. ] YEH MAN, LIFE IS EPIC! I have money, my name is Banks, I work in a Bank. Oh the perfect irony. So, What's going on hon?
Mrs. Banks: We lost the kids–
Mr. Banks: What the fuck, I don't have time for this, why is my life so crap, heck we just want Missy to appear– I mean my poor children... scared and alone– [Jane and Michael walk into the house and stand in front of their father silently.] oh Jane, Michael your alive great, we can move on.
Jane: Ain't I just precious.
Michael: Same.
Mr. Banks: Where's Katie Nanna, she's failed, we shall have her hung.
Mrs. Banks: She left. Someone accidentally told her of the fate beforehand.
Mr. Banks: Dammit. Oh well. We need a new nanny.
Missy: THIS IS MY MOMENT–
Twelve: [Holds her back] NOT YET.
Missy: Why is it always you in my way Doctor?
Twelve: Ask the bloody writers, don't take it out on me yeesh...
Mr. Banks: Lets just stick an advert in The Times, it's where all the hip Nannies look. Winifred [Google says that's Mrs. Banks name... I know right?] take this down as I speak. This is a chance to perfect your speed writing. You're welcome.
Mrs. Banks: FINALLY.
Mr. Banks: Wanted. Uh, no, this isn't the wild west. Uh, required. Evil Mistres– I mean, Nanny: firm, respectable, no nonsense.
Missy: Lammmmeeee.
Twelve: Hush!
Mr. Banks: Nannies, basically, they have to be British because hey, the kids gotta understand their accent.
Missy: [OC] OI YOU'RE GETTIN SCOTTISH OR NOTHING
Mr. Banks: What the hell was that... where was I? Oh yes! —We can't be bothered to look after our kids, you do it. There!
Mrs. Banks: Splendid, George! Inspirational. The Times will be so pleased.
Mr. Banks: Ahh, I know.
Jane: Daddy.
Mr. Banks: Yes you stupidly cute child?
Jane: We've discussed everything, and we're very sorry about what we did today.
[Audience awwsss.]
Jane: We wrote this advert because we are precious angels of adorableness.
Mr. Banks: [He nods, barely forming words because of the sudden emotions the cuteness had brought on.] Go on.
Jane: "Wanted: a nanny for two adorable children."
Mr and Mrs. Banks: [Nod, on the verge of tears.]
Jane: If you want this choice position, have a cheery disposition. Rosy cheeks– just be Julie Andrews. We watched the Sound of Music and want to become the Vontraps. That would be epic. [Cute smile]
Missy: [She cackles in the distance.] Oh sweet summer child!
Jane:
You must be kind you must be witty
Very sweet and fairly pretty
Missy: These children have been ruined by society's deceptions of women.
Jane:
If you won't scold and dominate us
We will never you give you cause to hate us
Missy: [More evil cackling]
Jane:
Hurry, nanny
Many thanks
Sincerely
Jane and Michael:
Jane and Michael Banks.
Mr. Banks: [He blinks unmoving for a moment before snatching the paper from Jane's hands.] What the hell is this? You're cute, but your writing skills are gonna take you no where kid. [he rips up the paper and chucks it into the fire. NO ONE SEES IT MYSTERIOUSLY FLOAT UP THE CHIMNEY AHAHHAHAHA!]
Jane and Michael: [Both adorably sulk away.]
Missy: YIPPIE, MWAHHAHAHAHAH, I'M COMING KIDDIES! MWHAHAHAHHA.
Twelve: Why god, why did I agree to this?