For Annie - Merry Christmas!
Not Crossmas
Crossmas was officially Jude's least favourite time of the year. The name alone showed Crosses to be higher than Noughts. It was a cheap, fake time of year celebrating soem so-called saviour that he could never believe in. I knew Jude well, he hated letting people get close to him, he hated opening up, but after drinking once he let me in. You may think I couldn't possibly know someone from one drunk conversation (from his side may I add, I was sober and able to remember it the next morning) but I knew his side of everything that happened in his life. I knew what he wouldn't even admi to himself let alone to someone else - he was scared. He didn't tell me this but it was obvious from everything he did say. He had lost so much he cared about that he didn't want to care about anyone. And he acted like he didn't want anyone to care about him, but if anyone took the time to look at him proprely they would be able to see him the way I did. Not a psychopath, but a sad, misunderstood, lonely man.
Jude probably wouldn't recognise me in the street if he saw me now, or if he did he wouldn't look twice. He had been so drunk that night I didn't even know if he'd remember it now. He told me everything and even cried a bit. Yea, you heard me right, Jude McGregor poured his heart out and cried. Then he kissed me, oh it was the most wonderful kiss, so deep and passionate, so much love and feeling went into that kiss that I will never stop believing that he just wanted to feel someone close to him, to make him feel something inside him that wasn't hatred. After kissing me Jude sat down on my sofa and passed out. He looked so young and innocent, it was hard to believe this man was one of the most wanted men in the country. That this man, so lost, asleep on my sofa, had killed so many times.
I didn't sleep that night. My mind went over and over everything he had told me. His sister, his Dad, his sister, killed by society, he told me he had killed Cara. He told me how his Mum was all alone. He told me how he hated Sephy Hadley so much it scared him. He had told me that at times he was just so fed up of life he didn't see the point of each day. He told me so much and it was all I could think about.
The next morning Jude left without a sound. I had left him on the sofa, while I stayed in my room, 7am I went back into the front room to see if he was awake, but he was already gone. It was as if he had never been there - the sofa was neat as if he hadn't even been used.
That was three weeks ago. And now it's only a week to Crossmas, and I can't stop myself from wondering what Jude is going to be doing. Is he going to be with the L.M acting like it was just another day, was he going to be plotting some major disaster for Crossmas day, or was he just going to be alone pretending to be fine because there'd no way he'd admit anything else. I couldn't help but feel in some ways responsible for him, I couldn't help but feel for him. I wanted to make sure he wasn't alone at the time for families and love. Love... I couldn't help feeling like I was falling in love with Jude, it was stupid, I had only spoken to him once, but it was a once I could never forget. I could never forget him. Perhaps it was because I was lonely like him - I didn't have anyone, my family and I had never been very close and when I moved away to Uni contact just dwindled out. I knew what it was like to spend Crossmas alone, and I didn't want that for Jude. Which is why I just wanted to find him, and spend Crossmwas with him. Every sensible thought I had knew it was a bad idea - this was Jude McGregor, he wasn't going to admit to feeling lonely and just agree to spent Crossmas day with me - but I didn't take any notice of my sensible thoughts. I just wanted to see Jude again.
AMM
I don't know what possessed me to look around the Dundale shopping center. It was a crowded place, full of people trying to sell Crossmas cheer. Full of people queue jumping, and pushing and shoving. And all round annoying. The only place that wasn't crowded was a small cafe on the top floor. It was almost empty, just a couple of Noughts sat in one corner, I ordered a coffee and sat down by a window to drink it.
'Regular, white coffee' I heard a gruff voice say, causing me to look directly to the counter. I knew that voice, I could never forget that voice. And sure enough, there was Jude McGregor, waiting for his coffee. I couldn't take my eyes off of him, looking at him now he looked like the rough, non-caring person everyone thought he was. He was a good actor, and a truly world class liar - he could even lie convincingly to himself. I watched him as he waited for the coffee, he looked bored, and unamused, I tried to imagine what was going through his mind, but I couldn't. He ran his eyes over the cafe and momentarily met mine. I tried not to change the expression on my face, but I knew it was unlikely I was successful, I wasn't like Jude, I wasn't an actor, I wasn't an expert at hiding how I felt. He showed no signs of recognision in the brief moment our eyes met, and I knew I shouldn't've been surprised. He took his drink and sat down. He kept his head low once he was sat down, not looking at anyway or anything except the cup. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I'd wanted to see him so much in the past three weeks and now here he was, 3 tables up from me. And it hurt knowing he didn't recognise me, even though I knew it was unlike he would.
I couldn't take just staring at him, I had to speak to him. I walked over to his table and kissed him, passionately on the lips. Just as he had that night, only I didn't pass out after it. I smiled at him afterwards.
'What the hell?' he whispered, out of breath.
'Hello, Jude' I replied.
'How do you know who I am?' He was instantly on guard.
'Jude, Jude, Jude' I muttered 'I'm surprised you don't remember me. Still you were pretty out of it that night'
'What night?' demanded Jude.
'About three weeks ago' I replied and sat down opposite him 'so what are you doing for Crossmas'
'Who are you?' Jude ignored my question.
'Anna-Margaret Moreland, you can call me Annie' Isaid smiling. 'I know everything about you. I know about your brother and Sephy Hadley'
'Everyone knows that' Jude shrugged it off.
'I know how you Dad died' I continued.
'Look Annie, my life isn't exactly private, my family have been in the media many times. You aren't proving anything' said Jude.
'Everything I know about you, you told me' I said 'I know you killed Cara because you loved her'
'I wouldn't have said that' insisted Jude 'I didn't kill anytone and I didn't love her'
I couldn't help noting that he insisted he didn't kill her before insisting hedidn'tlove her. The expression on his face didn't change so I couldn't tell if I was getting anywhere.
'Like I said, you were pretty out of it, goodness only knows how much you had drunk before you told me everything about yourself'
'You're lying' said Jude.
'Try me' I said.
'I'm not wasting my time with some try hard kid' replied Jude, he stood up and started to walk away.
'You sister, Lynette, had a Cross boyfriend called Jed who was killed for dating a nought' I called after him and he froze. When he turned back to face me I added 'Tell me I learnt that through the media'
'Come with me' Jude said and I followed him. It was hard keeping up with him because of the speen he walked, but I wasn't about to lose him about. 'I don't know how the hell you know that' he muttered while walking.
'That's not all I know' I replied 'I know how you kidnapped Sephy. I know how you're scared'
'I'm not scared of anything' Jude hissed, and finally stopped outside a block of flats. 'The lift doesn't work' he informed me as he walked straight passed it and started on the stairs 'In'he said after unlocking the door he stopped at.
I couldn't believe I was going intoJude McGregor's flat. Now I just had to convince him that I wasn't a try-hard kid, but am in face probably one of only a few people in the world who doesn't hate him and doesn't want to see him hung. And I had to convince him that he had got drunk and told me everything. As per usual, Annie, you are making this exceptionally easy for youself I thought as I went in. I sat down in the 'living room' and quickly took in all the details. The flat was so impersonal, there was nothing special about it, nothing that stood out just... nothing. The walls were white, the carpet was pale, the sofa was cream. There was on colou, not life. I couldn't help thinking this reflected Jude's life in many ways. My poor Jude living like that.
'So do I get a drink? Tea? Coffee? Hot chocolate if you're being extra nice' I said, cherrily.
'Forgive me if we skip the pleasentaries' said Jude. He didn't sit down, choosing rather to stand a few feet away from the sofa, directly in front of it, looking right at me. It should've been uncomfortable, but it wasn't. 'How thehell do you know about Lynette and Jed?'
'I told you' I replied. 'You told me. Three weeks ago you got drunk, came back to my place, and starting pouring your heart out. I learnt so much about you that night, Jude, not just from what you were saying, but from the way you were saying it, the feeling you put behind it. You can act in front of the whole world Jude, make them believe whatever you want them to believe about you, but I know the real you'
'So...' Jude was looking at me like I was crazy 'You think you know all there is to know about me because of a so-called drunken conversation?'
'I'm not lying' I insisted. 'You must remember waking up on a sofa in a flat you didn't recognise'
'Ok, fine, maybe you aren't lying' admitted Jude. 'but I don't remember that night, so for all I know everything you're saying about it is a lie'
'You don't remember anything about it?' I asked. I had known this, but again it hurt. 'Not even the fact that you kissed me before passing out?'
'Don't be riddiculous' scoffed Jude. 'As if I'd kiss you'
'You did. Why don't you go and buy a lie detector if you don't believe me, because I can guarentee every word I am saying is true' I replied. 'I can give me a step-by-step reminder if you want'
'I'll pass on that one' Jude replied.
'I don't know how I can make you believe me, Jude, but I promise you I am telling you the truth. I don't know why, maybe it was the drink or maybe you just needed someone, but you trusted me with everything that night' I said. 'And I learn so much about you. About your life. About everything. I just wish you still trusted me now, because surely the fact that I'm here rather than at a police station telling them what I know, shows that I'm on your side'
'Or your just luring me into a false sense of security' said Jude.
'I'm not' I replied 'and it's sad that you are so untrusting of everyone. I'm not a Cross, Jude, so what is your problem with me?'
'I don't let people in' he told me. 'I don't get drunk and talk to people. I don't trust, and I don't feel. That is me, that is Jude McGregor. I know you're telling the truth, Annie, I'm smart enough to see that, but it's not right. That's not me'
'You aren't true to yourself much, Jude' I told him. 'You just need to let go of the hate'
'Let go of the hate?' Jude repeated. 'Forgive and forget? Pretend it never happened? Pretend Lynny wasn't mad for years because she saw her dagger boyfriend killed? Pretend Callum wasn't killed. Pretend Sephy isn't bringing up my bastard neice. Pretend my Dad wasn't killed because he was wrongly accused of a crime. Pretend that everything is fine between noughts and Crosses?' as he had been saying this Jude paced up and down the room, trying to keep himself calm.
'You're going about it the wrong way' I insisted. 'There will never be peace and equality if people are always hating and killing. I know that isn't really you' I took his hand in mine
'You know nothing about me' Jude replied, pulling away from me. 'Now, get out of my flat.'
'I don't think I'm wrong, but maybe I am' I said 'I'll go if you want, but will you agree to spend Crossmas day with me?'
'I don't celebrate Crossmas' he replied, simply.
'So make an exception' I said. 'You don't have to be alone all the time. You don't have to hide everything. Let me in'
'I'm not going to celebrate something created to make Crosses appear higher than noughts' said Jude 'I get that every day'
'Then spend December 25th with me and we'll not celebrate Crossmas' I replied. A smile threatened to play on Jude's face, but he hid it well. I grabbed a pen from my bag and he didn't move as I wrote my address on his hand. '9am, December 25th, see you then.' I smiled and walked out
AMM
I didn't know whether Jude would come or not. I hardly dared hope he would, I was worried I'd be disappointed. I tried to not think about it, not worry about it, but it was the only thing I could think about all the time until the day finally arrived. On Crossmas morning, no, I corrected my line of thought, on the morning of the normal day December 25th, I was awake by 6:30. My first thought when I saw the time was if he's coming, Jude'll be here in two and a half hours. I took my time showering and getting dressed, to try and waste time, but it was still only 7:30 by the time I was ready. I tried to take my mind off of Jude by watching TV, but everything was going on about Crossmas, and I wanted to forget Crossmas for this year, so turned it back off again....
The doorbell woke me up. I had barely even been aware of falling back asleep, but the sound of the doorbell woke me up. Without even thinking about it, I look to the clock before getting up - it was exactly 09:00, - I smiled and went to the door. As I opened it and saw Jude my smile automatically broadened 'Hi' I said, 'Come in'. I stepped back to let him in.
He stepped passed me 'Nice place' he commented.
'Nicer seeing when sober?' I laughed.
'Yeah...' Jude didn't even smile, he seemed distant, but I wasn't surprised. This was alien to him.
'Right, you sit down, and I'll get a DVD to watch' I said 'unless you'd rather do something else?'
'A DVD's fine' replied Jude. He sat on the sofa as though he was at a formal meeting, he didn't relax at all.
I went to find a non-Crossmas related movie, and when I returned I couldn't resist telling Jude 'You can sit back and relax you know, I don't bite'
Jude just about managed a smile before sitting back.
'I'm going to get us some popcorn' I said and disappeared into the kitchen. I found the popcorn quickly, but I didn't go straight into the front room. I don't know why I didn't go straight back in, I think I was giving him the chance to leave. Or rather proving to myself that he would stay, since he was still in the front room when I got back. He had even put the DVD into the DVD player ready.
'I've never seen this film' he told me.
'It's one of my favourites' I said, sitting down next to him and opening the popcorn.
Jude stayed quite tense the majority of the wya through the movie. He didn't say much, he barely touched the popcorn, he barely even moved. I couldn't tell what he was thinking at all, his face was completely blank. I didn't even know if he was taking any notice of the movie. And then without any pre-warning he completely relaxed. He put his arm around me and by automatic reaction I curled up beside him, my head resting on his shoulder. I felt so safe there with Jude, like nothing in the world could hurt me as long as I was with him.
He turned to face me and kissed me. As deep and passionate as the last time he kissed me, only without the smell of alcohol. This time I had time to think and return the kiss. I smiled at him as we finally parted and Jude smiled back, the smile actually reaching his eyes. 'You were right' he whispered in my ear.
I didn't need to ask what about. Thankfully I didn't need to say anything at all because I wouldn't have been able to. I was too busy trying to catch my breath. Jude turned back to the TV as soon as he spoke. I didn't need to ask what I was right about because I knew he mean him. I was right in my thoughts of him.
AMM
The whole day was fatastic. Jude was relaxed and happy the whole time after the kiss. Over lunch I told him more about myself, since I knew so much about him. After lunch we went for a walk for the hell of it. The streets were practically deserted because of it being Crossmas day and Jude didn't appear to be constantly on guard. We didn't take much notice of where we were going, but I think I subconsciously knew I was leading us towards the park. I felt like a kid again as Jude pushed me on the swing. By the time we got back to my flat it was dinner time. Jude insisted on cooking for me, which I certainly didn't complain about. He wasan amazing cook. After dinner Jude wanted to pick a movie and choose the only horror film I own. One I had never been brave enough to watch. And rightly so, I was hiding behind my hands for the majority of it.
'You know' I said, noticeing it was 10:30 by the time the movie finished. 'You should sleep next to me to stop me having nightmares'
Jude laughed and followed me into my bedroom. He didn't have any change of clother with him so had to sleep in his boxer shorts. Once I had changed into my nightdress I climbed into bed and Jude joined me.
'Thanks for a great day' I whispered and kissed him. He returned the kiss quickly and held me close. 'I love you, Jude' I whispered in his ear, in between kisses.
Jude froze, only momentarily, but he definitely froze. I wondered what he was thinking about what I said, but I knew he wouldn't say anything. I should've kepy my mouth shut. It was a comfort, though, that Jude didn't move away from me. He still held me close and he let me fall asleep with my head on his chest.
AMM
Jude was gone when I woke up. I wasn't surprised, only hurt. He left a note on my bedside cabinet. "You were right, but I'm not changing" and I realised I had forgotten Jude's first and most important law; Don't allow yourself to feel. Feelings kill and it confirmed to me that not only did he feel deeply, but Jude McGregor felt deeply for me.