Dear Chloe,
I'm finally using that journal you got me for christmas… The leatherbound one with the ribbon book mark, you know the one. You wanted me to use it to write mix ideas and songs in. I never thought I'd be using it to write to you.
It's been 24 days, 7 hours and 46 minutes since I got the call.
It's been 24 days, 7 hours and 46 minutes since they told me you were gone.
It's been 24 days, 7 hours and 46 minutes since I lost the one thing I can't live without.
The hospital was the worst. Everything was white, too white. Like some sick metaphorical take on heaven… The doctors tried to save you, they tried to get your heart pumping again… You were so pale, Chloe. All I wanted was for you to wake up and laugh at me for crying over you. I wanted you to wake up and hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright.
Why didnt you wake up?
The bastard in the truck who hit you walked away with barely a scratch. He tried to apologize to me. He told me he was sorry for my loss… Did he know that when he ran that light that he was not only killing one person but he was killing two? My heart stopped working when the doctor signed your death certificate.
We had your funeral two weeks ago…. All of the Bellas came. They've been taking turns on "Beca Duty" making sure I still eat and bathe and function like a somewhat normal human being… But how can I function when my heart has been ripped out of my chest?
Aubrey stayed with me for a week. She probably heard me crying every night but didn't mention it. I appreciated that…
Your parents and Aubrey gave eulogies. It was all beautiful. But I know if you had heard the speeches you would have been laughing, you would have just rolled your eyes and tucked your face in my neck like you did when you were embarrassed… I spoke too. I don't remember if it went well. I didn't write anything, I just tried to say what I feel.
Its been so hard, Chloe… So god damn hard. I can't even turn to music. Every song reminds me of you. Every time I close my eyes I see you behind them. I know I was never the best with words but I loved you, Chloe. I still do. I'll never stop.
The only thing I use my laptop for is to look at pictures of you. You're so beautiful, you know that? The way you would smile at me always made my heart melt. Your puppy dog face could get me to do anything and when you sang… God, Chlo… You sounded like an angel. Now I guess you truly are one. I hope you're singing up wherever you are. Don't forget me, Chloe. Because I sure as hell will never be forgetting you. I'd trade everything, all my music, all my equipment, I'd sell my voice like in the little mermaid just to get you back.
I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday.
Love,
Beca