A/N: This was supposed to be part of Simple Plans but didn't fit. It's mostly Lauren, a little Karma, and a bit of Booper (I like them, I can't help it.)
The moment she feels his lips on hers, Lauren wants to die.
OK, maybe not die. Not like literally and she knows that a kiss that makes you want to die could be good too, but that's not this. That isn't Liam Booker's pillowy soft lips (which, she admits, are soft, but that is so not the point), that's not his hands on her shoulders and his fingers pressing into her flesh and his tongue…
Yes. Die. Die, die, die.
It's New Year's Eve (though, technically, it's New Year's Day cause it was just midnight, hence the kiss and again, so not the point) and this is not how Lauren planned on ringing in the new year, not even the tiniest bit. Not that she really planned it, not that she's got a binder with a month by month schedule or a flowchart of how to make this year into her year. Not like she has a chart outlining exactly how she's going to (by May) (June at the latest) finally be comfortable with who she is. Or a ranking system set up to help her (by July) (August at the outside) find a nice guy.
(Or multiple pages of notes on why nice is not enough cause she's had nice) (a good guy, like Theo) (but not like Theo) (a good guy who also puts her above all else, who wants her more than a job) ( a good guy who looks at her the way her daddy looked at her mother, even if that's only memory and Lauren knows that's not always real)
(but it is for her, so fuck you)
This is going to be the year Lauren finally lets herself just be and she's got all her be-ing planned out and none of it, not a single fucking bit of it involves Liam Booker. Or his pillowy soft lips. Or his hands that have been everywhere and she knows two of those everywheres and no, she will not be number three (she loves Amy, even if she's not always sure why) (and she's learned to tolerate Karma) (but that's as much of a bond as she wants with either of them.)
(No way she's going to be the third stop on Liam Booker's virgin tour of Hester's class of 2018.)
So, no, this year - the year of Lauren - is not supposed to be going this way only two minutes and thirty seven seconds in. It's supposed to be the year of comfortable and the year of the good guy and the year she doesn't want to forget by the end of it. That's what it's supposed to be, but instead it's starting off the way so much of the rest of last year went.
With her running.
Sometimes, when she lets herself think about it, Lauren thinks that's the story of her life (and maybe a big part of the reason she and Amy get along so much better now, cause in common) and she hates that (the story of her life part) (not the getting along with Amy part) (she likes that part) (quite a bit, really) (tell anyone that and she'll kill you.)
But hating it doesn't stop it, it doesn't root her feet in place, it doesn't keep her lips on his, as tempting as that may be. (And it's surprisingly tempting.) If anything, it only makes her run faster.
She's done it (the running) (not the kissing) (not the kissing him) so often and for so long, Lauren's not sure she knows any other way. She runs until she can't, until there's no other option but to stop. She ran from being Intersex (until the garage) (and then the pageant) (and then Theo) (and look at how all that turned out.) And she ran from Theo (twice) and then she ran from being Amy's sister (until Amy's running ran them right into each other) and then she ran from that again, ran right out of the house and into her apartment (condo, fucker) and that ran her right into Booker and see?
That's why she hates it. Nothing good ever comes from running. No matter how soft that nothing good's lips may be.
She hates it and yet, here she is. Doing it again. She bolts from the party, leaving him standing there looking confused and stupid and lost (so, you know, his usual.) "Five minutes," she mutters under her breath. She's sure that's all it will take. Five minutes (or less) for him to find someone to soothe his wounded pride (she's sure she saw Brandi in there and Lord knows that girl isn't above a little soothing) but whoever it is, it won't be her.
Not this year.
She hears him in the distance, calling after her. "Lauren, wait," but whatever comes next, whatever it is he wants her to wait for, she's already too far gone to care. Shane and Noah are by the door and she pushes past them, ignoring Noah's confusion and Shane's… is that concern?... and she flings herself through the doors and out into the night air. That's enough, that little bit of distance, that tiny bit of an escape. It's enough to loosen the tightness in her chest and her heartbeat settles and she feels - for a moment - almost normal.
"Fuck normal," she curses. "Fuck normal and fuck right and fuck him."
That she was, just two minutes and forty-eight seconds ago, actually considering doing exactly that is more than enough reason to run.
There's a cool sort of breeze and Lauren soaks it in. Now that she's out of the confines of the building and the party (and his arms) (especially those) she finds the urge to run fades just a little. Not entirely, but enough to keep her there, enough that she's not darting out into the parking lot looking for a faster and more horsepowered means of escape.
Which is good since, you know, she came with him. And he drove.
In a way, Lauren thinks, it's kinda funny. (Not that she's laughing.) But nothing seems any… different. It's a new year, a brand new calendar, time in a reboot. And still it's all the fucking same.
Like, for example, her luck. Cause there, over there, is Karma. She's leaning against the building and staring in through the window with tears on her cheeks and trembling hands and a clearly broken heart and see?
Nothing changes.
There's a second (just one) (really) when Lauren considers slipping back inside (but Booker) or heading off to the parking lot (but Booker, again) or just fucking walking home (but heels) (and blisters and sore arches) and standing there with Karma (even with Karma) is better than any of that, so she stays.
Lesser of all evils and whatnot.
She does shrink back, settling herself as quietly as she can on a bench just out of view of the doors. Maybe, she thinks, if she's quiet enough, Karma will be so wrapped up in her own… whatever… that she won't even see -
"It's supposed to be different."
New year. Same fucking luck.
Lauren doesn't say anything, she doesn't respond, but she really doesn't think that's going to keep Karma from saying anything more and she's not wrong.
"It's supposed to be, but it isn't," Karma says. She's staring through that window like she's looking into the depths of hell. "It's all the same. It's the same smells of cheap champagne and stale beer, just like last year. And all the same cheers and claps and yeah, maybe some of the… kisses… are new. But…"
She shakes her head and Lauren wants to sit there, wants to stay silent, wants to not even try to talk to her. But even she can see the fresh (and old) pain in Karma's eyes and she just can't bring herself to leave the girl hanging there.
(So maybe some things do change.)
"When I was little," Lauren says, "like really little, my parents let me stay up late to watch the ball drop. I sat on my mother's lap and counted it down with them and every year, I waited." She kicks off her heels, one at a time, trying not to moan in pleasure as her feet are freed from their $400 prisons. "I waited for everything to… change."
But it never did.
Or, if it did… it was a slow thing. A gradual, glacier like movement towards inevitability. A slow ride down the river that started on her mother's lap and ended on her daddy's and yeah, that year was different.
Just her luck, though.
Karma nods and presses her fingers to the glass as she squeezes her eyes shut. It's a new year, there's no disputing that. But nothing else is new. Nothing else is any different now than it was at 11:59:59. It's all just numbers on a clock and dates on a calendar.
"How does anyone get a new start?" Karma asks. "When there's no real end? Nothing shuts off and starts again, nothing resets, nothing…" Her eyes open and then widen and then there's fresh tears welling in them. "The names change and some of the faces, but it's always the same fucking game."
A quiet settles between them, the laughter and music from inside filling the gaps and Lauren watches Karma. She's seen the other girl in every imaginable way the last year or so. Happy and popular. Sad and broken. She remembers the look on Karma's face the night of the wedding, the shell shocked expression on her face after Amy's confession. And the pain and confusion (and jealousy) (can't forget that) written all over her that night at Communal.
The lost puppy looks all summer and the angry resentment when summer was done, the lustful sidelong glances at Liam and the utterly devoted smiles for Amy.
Lauren's seen them all (even if she didn't much care at the time) but this one… this is new. This is something else and she hears Karma mumble something under her breath (something that sounds a lot like 'too late') but she isn't sure and she's not asking cause she's got no idea what to say or why she's even thinking of saying anything and then she has a sudden flash of a table and a plate and some cake
Karma's a bitch
and Lauren can't help wondering if her sister (cause, yes, still) and her BFF will ever manage to be the ones consoling each other or if, no matter the year, fixing one of them will always just be her lot in life.
It's almost enough to drive her back inside, but Booker, and then… fuck… that's when it hits her, when it smacks her right between the eyes and Lauren suddenly wishes she'd never stopped running.
Karma's out here. Alone. It's just past midnight and she's out here and she's alone and the guy the universe wants her to be with is inside and, by now - Lauren's sure - he's not alone and, come to think of it, he wasn't alone at midnight either.
Fuck
The blisters and sore arches would have been better.
Lauren doesn't know (at that moment) (or later) (or ever) what possesses her to say it, or what it is about the sight of Karma standing there - shaking with silent sobs, now - that drives her to such obvious stupidity (because that's what it surely is.) Maybe it's a need to reassure herself as much as to reassure Karma or maybe it's just being polite or maybe it's nothing more than an effort to start the new year with at least some small moment of… something.
Something good and kind and something that might earn her a little… karma.
(fuck the pun)
"It didn't mean anything," Lauren says and Karma's head snaps up from the glass and as sick of the Karma Ashcroft pity party as she may be (and she so is) (isn't everyone?) the look in the other girl's eyes is enough to give even Lauren pause. "It was just… it was midnight and all. That's it. Nothing more. A kiss for the clock. It'll be forgotten by this time tomorrow."
(She's lying.) (She knows it.) (Why else would she have run?)
Karma looks away again, letting her eyes fall back to the glass. It's just cool enough outside and she's leaning just close enough that her breath fogs the window and she has to use just the tip of her sleeve (long and green, in the shade of her dress from the wedding and that's a memory Lauren wishes she could run from) to wipe the glass clear again.
"It meant everything," Karma says softly, her hand lingering on the glass. "And it really does… it changes things. It changes everything."
Lauren realizes she's in over her head here and looks around, silently praying for Amy to show up and save her but, as usual, Amy's not there when she needs her. She was sure the blonde had some sort of sixth sense, a Karmalarm for whenever her 'soulmate' was in pain or trouble or just demanded her presence. That always got Amy to come a running.
Maybe change is in the air after all.
"It was a kiss, Karma," Lauren says, stepping closer. "It's what people do at midnight." She takes another step or two, the cool of the grass tickling her feet. "You shouldn't read anything else into it."
She has to wonder - for just a second - which of them she's really trying to convince.
Karma just stares and stays silent and it's starting to get creepy so Lauren keeps talking. "If the universe really wants you together… well…" She leans up against the building just on the other side of the window. "Well… you know what? Fuck the universe."
The other girl's eyes flick from the glass to Lauren's face.
"Yeah," Lauren says. "You heard me. Fuck the universe and fuck New Year's and fuck... all of it." She reaches up behind her and tugs at the ties holding her hair in place, yanking them loose and letting her hair crash down over her shoulders. "You're right," she says (and yes, both of them are a little shocked at that.) "Nothing changes. Not like we think. The clock doesn't strike twelve and everything is suddenly and magically different."
(she's living proof of that)
"You want things to be different, Karma?" (And yes, Lauren is well aware she could be - and probably is - talking to herself too.) "Then you need to make it different. You think you're… too late? Then you are."
(You think he's not a good guy, then he's not.)
(Unless… maybe…)
(But 'unless' and 'maybe' aren't in the plan, they're not in the binder or on the flowchart and 'unless' and 'maybe' don't have a May or June - at the latest - timetable.)
(Unless she forgets the plan.) (Maybe.)
"I'm probably shooting myself in the foot here," Lauren rolls on, mostly so she can stop thinking about it. "Especially since I know it… fuck… it wasn't just a kiss, but I know… I know that if it comes down to a choice?" She stares at Karma (and curses Amy in her head, cause this is all her fault) (somehow.) "If it comes down to a choice, you win. Every time."
There's a moment then, a second when Lauren thinks maybe she's gotten through to Karma, when she's showed her (and her) the way it is, the way things really are and should be. When she's reminded her that if she wants him, she has to do something about it cause he's not going to just show up in front of her.
So, of course, he does.
The doors open behind them and people start filtering out, laughing and joking and holding hands and dancing across the grass and there he is. Standing there with this look… the look of a man who doesn't understand how any of this happened and is fucking terrified of it and doesn't really care about that because all he really wants is to kiss her again.
(And she wouldn't run.)
And Lauren thinks maybe, just maybe, she was wrong. Maybe Karma wouldn't win. And she looks back to the other girl, the sudden realization dawning in her eyes that she might have just done more damage than she ever meant to, that her 'something good' might not be as good as she thought, not for Karma, anyway.
But then Lauren sees - so fucking clearly - how wrong she was.
Karma's not looking at Liam. She's not looking at Lauren. She's looking past them both, at the crowd, but not really at them either. Lauren's pretty sure Karma doesn't see any of them, she's almost positive Karma's gone blind to everyone but the couple at the center of it. The long arms of the beautiful brunette wrapped around neck of the perfect (and that's the only way Karma can see her) blonde as the sway in the grass, the people milling out around them, completely unnoticed because they only have eyes for each other.
Blindness is apparently contagious.
"You're right," Karma says softly and Lauren's stomach drops. She wants to scream at Karma that no, she's not right, she's anything but right. "I'm only too late if I let myself be too late. Nothing changes unless I make it change."
Of course Karma chooses this moment to finally take someone's advice about Amy. Even if, you know, it wasn't about Amy.
The redhead stands up straighter, the life flooding back into her and Lauren's mind races, desperately trying to think of some way to squash that, to push it all back down and bury it in the same place Karma buried (not very well) her feelings for Amy.
"Karma," she says, but she doesn't even bother going any further. She can see her words falling on deaf ears.
Karma runs her hands down the front of her dress and flicks a finger against her cheeks, wiping away the last of the tears. There's that look in her eyes, that fire, the same one Lauren saw not so long ago
You want a villain?
and Lauren has a sudden wish that her phone wasn't still in the car cause if there was ever a time for a 9-1-1 text to Amy…
"You're right," Karma says again. "Nothing changes if I don't do something. Nothing changes until I show her that I've changed."
Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss.
"I'm going to," Karma says. "I'm going to show her." She nods and smiles at Lauren and gives Liam a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek and then she's off and they both watch her walking away in the same general direction that Amy and Sabrina headed off in (hand-in-hand.)
"She's got a plan," Liam says. "I can see it already."
Lauren nods (and not cause it's looking in a mirror) (a little.) She can see it all coming and it's like that glacier moving along. It's slow and plodding and you can see it from miles away.
It's just too fucking big to dodge. No matter how fast or how far your run.
"Look," Liam says, "about what happened in there -"
Lauren cuts him off. "We're going home," she says (and no, she doesn't miss the sigh of relief from him that he apparently still has a home.) She starts walking for the lot without looking back to see if he's following (she knows.) "And when we get there… I've got some stuff I need you to help me get rid of."
"Stuff?" he asks, quickening his pace a little to keep up (though she may be tiny, she be fast.)
"Yeah," Lauren says. "Some… binders and things." She stops and turns, looking up at him, her eyes boring into him and fuck, she can't tell. He might be a good guy, maybe. Unless he's not and, well…
She goes up on her tiptoes and kisses him. Hard.
"I like you," she says when she's done. "And we're going to try… this." He doesn't protest (she knew he wouldn't. "But if you hurt me…"
"I won't," he says (and she kinda believes him.)
She nods and starts walking again. "I know you won't," she says. "Cause you're right down the hall."
"Yeah," he says. "But how does -"
"Hurt me?" she says. "And I can kill you in your sleep." She smiles back at him over her shoulder. "And they'll never find the body."
The moment she felt his lips on hers, Lauren wanted to die and so she ran.
Maybe this year, she thinks, she'll try walking more.