The following fanfiction is purely fictional (duh) and does not mean to represent any of the original characters in how they acted while performing for Hogans Heroes. Instead, it's as if the directors found a secret pile of various drugs and used hypodermic needles and begin writing an episode. I also don't own Hogans Heroes, but I did make write this crackfic. You probably didn't even read this, so get on with the actual story already. If any of the following offends you, the back-button will still be there for you. Rated M according to the rules.
One peaceful morning, over the tree-covered hills of Hammelburg, inside the 'Toughest POW camp in all of Germany' the gang at Stalag 13 were busy getting ready for another day of tricks, deception, blowing up factories, trains, depots, other stalags and all the other totally believe stuff they do in this show.
Colonel Hogan jumped off his bed, flipped on his American Officer's hat, and strolled out the doorway, tipping his way past half-alseep/half stoned/half smashed prisoners in Barracks 3. Carter was attempting to try a new loop he learned off Lebau, which involved making a dick-butt shape, then crossing it over until it looked like a leaf of marijuana, then tighten it. So far, he got up to the dick-butt, but every time he went to cross it over, he forgot that his shoe was still sitting on the ground, and that it was Newkirk's shoe, not his.
Speaking of Newkirk, the british corporal was buttoning on his shirt, while the already-ready lebau was almost rage-quitting trying to sow on 1 single irresponsible button onto a piece of fabric when the thread kept breaking. He soon suspected that this thread is the same stuff used to make Red Cross branded butt-wipes, which broke and gave your arse a gigantic infection that doesn't allow you to to sit without the pain of a thousand Schultz's weighing on top of you.
And then there was kinch, still head-first into the bucket of KFW (Kentucky Fried Weiner-schnizel).
Hogan stepped through the door and showed a sign of disgust when he looked at Kinch, his fat black head still stuck in the container. Kinch went to stand at attention, but since he was sleeping under the same bunk the tunnel is under, he hit the roof, the bed lifted up, he fell off and fell straight down into the tunnel before breaking his neck.
"Maybe its best we move him over to some other bunk, I can't stand this sort of thing when it happens. I have to pay 50 marks for another staircase every time he does that." Colonel Hogan sighed.
He turned over to Lebau, as he was about to rage in the colors of the french flag, because a single fucking button wasn't cooperating.
"FILTHY BOCHE BUTTON F**K BOCHE FILTHY BUTTON F**K BOCHE-
"Lebau, remember, my jacket also needs another button, the one on top." Hogan reminded.
Lebau then kept swearing in 3 different languages while Newkirk was trying to stuff his ears full of saurbraten, as protection from lebau's french rage.
"Newkirk, why are you stuffing your ears with saubraten? We've got cotton right here!" Colonel Hogan shouted holding up kinch's recent harvest.
Newkirk turned around with bloodshot eyes and said:
"Its the c-CAMP colonel, I've gone r-ROUND THE BEND."
Hogan rubbed his palm against his face and sighed again. "Oh great..."
He picked up the coffee-pot up from the furnace and went to pour himself a mug, when the only thing that came out was the noise from a speaker, direct from Klink's office.
"Yes Fraulein Helga, that will be two pairs of testicle warmers. Oh, and get one in basic black for hochstetter, you know how he feels about these colourings-
Hogan immediately slammed the coffee pot down, before his brain cells offically died off, and exclaimed:
"WHERE THE HELL DID THE COFFEE GO?!"
The whole barracks, with prisoners still preparing for morning, looked at Hogan. Then Carter stood up and walked over with the real coffee-pot, with the coffee still warm.
Carter piped up as he walked over: "Sorry Colonel, we were hoping to tune into the BBC with it and-
"Carter, this trails right into Klink's office, how do you expect to get the BBC from it?" Hogan inquired.
Carter immediately tried thinking hard, but he couldn't take the pressure, so he started crying, then went back to his bunk and sobbed, before chewing his waifu pillow, pretending it to be Greita, the maid at the hofbrau.
Hogan leaned over and and quietly said to him:
"Closest thing you'll get to a real pair of pillows."
The whole barracks whooped and laughed while Carter still sobbed at gnawed at his Greita waifu, tasting the big foaminess of knockers made from hand-woven Japanese materials, which tasted like rotten-ass rice.
Hogan then turned over, stopped laughing at Carter's feels and told his men:
"Alright, Roll call will be in a minute, so don't dawdle, otherwise our beloved Kommandant may take away our pictures of Betty Grable's gorgeous booty away".
The men didn't care.
"Including the pictures of Goering and his jiggle belly tape-
The whole of barracks 3 started shouting and carrying on like all the saurbraten was gone (true actually, newkirk shoved it down his ears and now has saurbraten brain damage)
"QUIET DOWN!" Hogan yelled. "And another thing, no pushing around the guards, Klink already gave one of us 69 days in solitary for trying to push Corporal Langensheit into the high voltage electric fence when were high off our faces, so don't try again."
Just as hogan was going to continue, the roll-call whistle went out. Precisely just as Lebau finished sewing on that one f*cking button that made him want to stick gullotines into General-De-Gaulls arse. Newkirk strapped on his other shoe, which was cutting off his circulation due to dickbutt knots, and Carter walked outside carrying his waifu pillow. Kinch was still dead.
Hogan told lebau as he was walking out: "Lebau, revive Kinch will you?
Lebau angrilly shouted at him: "WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO REVIVE HIM!?"
"Because lebau, you always make the best KFW".
Lebau did his 'sure sure' expression, then took down a big piece of KFW down the tunnel to find Kinch, who was already decomposing into the chicken-oil soil. Hogan and the rest of the barracks followed outside.
7.00AM Roll call-
Hogan and his men were lined up for roll call, and Schultz was desperately trying to count to 15. With help from the men of course.
"Seven, eight, nein- I MEAN nine! NINE NINE NINE!" Schultz cried out, his fingers almost up to 10.
"Schultz, no one said anything" Newkirk told.
"I AM TRRRYYING TO SAY THE NUMBER 10, BECAUSE THERE ARE SO FAR TEN PRRRRISONERS HERE! Schultz yelled at newkirk with the voice of a thousand Hochstetters screaming from tourettes sydrome.
He began counting again: "TEN! ELEVEN, TWELVE, THIRTEEN, FOUR-taaaah..." He stopped and looked for the two next men.
He walked over to Hogan and asked: "Colonel Hogan, where is Lebau and the Nigger?"
Hogan stood up and told him off: "I REQUEST YOU DO NOT CALL KINCH A NIGGER, HE IS A WELL RESPECTED SERGEANT!"
Just as they were starting to argue, Kinch and Lebau walked out. Kinch covered with Grease, half-composed body bits and other anonymous materials.
Schultz immediately blew chunks over the floor out when he saw the porch monkey zombie rise from it's jizz-stained grave.
Hogan piped up happily: "Ah, welcome Ninch- I mean welcome Kigger- I MEAN Niggerloe- I mean KINCH DAMN IT..."
Kinch turned to hogan and did his famous slinky eyebrow pose, but as he raised his eyebrow, it peeled off his skin and fell off, with the men looking disgusted. No matter, he super-glued his eyebrow back on, and stood to attention, schultz counted the men and let out a huge sigh counting 15 men. Too bad for the men though, as Schult's sigh smelt as bad as Hammelburg harbour after Getrude Burkhalter had a fun night out using a crane as a-
Klink interrupted the immature joke and finally appeared from his office, walked down the stairs, and shouted out
"RRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRT!"
The guard closest to his door died from internal bleeding and ruptured eardrums.
Schultz saluted, and hit himself on the side of the head with his notebook, which cut his ear, and profoundly bled out everywhere.
"Herr Kommandant, all prisoners correct and accounted for!"
Klink let out his monocle/maniacal smile and gave his men a speech:
"AT EEEEASE. PRISONERS! I have an announcement, from now on, this camp is run realistically like it would be if this whole situation were suddenly to become as realistic as it was during that time!"
The men all are puzzled.
"What I am trying to say to you is, is that from now on, this camp will be a lot stricter, starting from now!"
While the prisoners were busy grumbling, Lebau spotted his basketball on the other end of camp, the one he had lost from a couple of months ago, when Carter f*cked up during the game and sent it flying into klink's window, bounced out, knocked General Burkhalter out when he was leaving, blew up a staff car, killed Kommandant Heinrich and...EVERYTHING. No wait, Kommandant Heinrech was killed off last season.
Lebau started running over to his basketball, when suddenly, the guards in the tower started shouting "ACHTUNG! VERBOOOOOTEN!" before firing their MG42s, and blazing away until little pieces of Lebau were scattered all over stalag 13.
Hogan's men were speechless, then they heard themselves crying out:
"LEBAU!"
"THE FRENCHMAN!"
"LOUIE!"
"COCKROACH!"
"STRUUUUDEL, NOOOOOO!"
The last one of course, was schultz, who immediately ran over and started to nibble at the little pieces of lebau that were left..
Newkirk immediately stepped up and challenged Klink: "Kommandant I protest, Lebau was just getting his basketball!"
The machine guns in the towers blazed again and sprayed newkirk all over the barrack's walls.
"NO BASKETBALL ALLOWED IN CAMP!"
THEN Kinchloe stood up and went against Klink :"Holy Toledo man, Newkirk barely even-
Once again, the MG42s blazed away, and Kinch was made into paste, alongside Newkirk.
"NO BACKCHATTING!"
Hogan was about to step forward, but got the idea that maybe it wasn't really the best thing to do. He didn't honestly felt like getting blasted all over camp.
Klink remained at ease during the f*ckfestivities.
"And now, you may go to your recreational activities. For example, getting your craft kits and gluing your petty comrades back together while you think over your mistakes." He snickered
Hogan backchatted: "Yeah, not killing you sooner."
You could just hear the guards itching to loosen up their trigger discipline, with raging hard-ons.
Hogan stepped back and didn't bother.
Well that was an chaotically interesting first chapter, let me know in the reviews if you want to see a second part, writing this was a great experience and made even me fall out of my chair laughing. Rate and review, this was as a matter of fact my first experience putting something up here.